Timmos Posted July 14, 2014 Share Posted July 14, 2014 you were gaslighted, be firm and make her be transparent, phone email the works. This. You got the same answer I got. My fWW removed him from FB too, but made a secret FB profile to speak to him that way. Link to post Share on other sites
jackslife Posted July 14, 2014 Share Posted July 14, 2014 you were gaslighted, be firm and make her be transparent, phone email the works. Seen this word a few time on here - as an aside, what does 'gaslighted' mean? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author captmal Posted July 14, 2014 Author Share Posted July 14, 2014 (edited) She said that was back in high school. About 17 years ago. The messages were fromast Sunday night. She has not met up with him. He lives about an hour away and is out of town about one week a month. How old were the messages? Did she's meet him when was in town? What did she say about "being in love with him for long time"? Edited July 14, 2014 by captmal Link to post Share on other sites
Jonah Posted July 14, 2014 Share Posted July 14, 2014 (edited) Like I saud, I was young and stupid. "young and stupid"... I got to hear that and I knew it was bull when I heard it. She just wanted to screw around. young and stupid = just an old friend... All whatever excuses... Quit beating around the bush and just say it like it is. You wanted to screw around, she wants to screw around. It's a big club, nothing to be ashamed of. Once you can both understand that, you can teach each other to see all the way down the line and understand that her with another guy is an ugly thing, as you have come to understand that you with another woman would be an ugly thing. We'll be watching you to be back with the excuse that you want to be with another woman because she cheated or whatever excuse when really, the bottom line would be that you want to screw around, to use your sexual power in a destructive way. Edited July 14, 2014 by Jonah Link to post Share on other sites
Author captmal Posted July 14, 2014 Author Share Posted July 14, 2014 I can see you didnt even bother reading all of my posts. I dont want other women. I thought I made that pretty clear..... "young and stupid"... I got to hear that and I knew it was bull when I heard it. She just wanted to screw around. young and stupid = just an old friend... All whatever excuses... Quit beating around the bush and just say it like it is. You wanted to screw around, she wants to screw around. It's a big club, nothing to be ashamed of. Once you can both understand that, you can teach each other to see all the way down the line and understand that her with another guy is an ugly thing, as you have come to understand that you with another woman would be an ugly thing. We'll be watching you to be back with the excuse that you want to be with another woman because she cheated or whatever excuse when really, the bottom line would be that you want to screw around, to use your sexual power in a destructive way. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted July 14, 2014 Share Posted July 14, 2014 Seen this word a few time on here - as an aside, what does 'gaslighted' mean? It means being given false information that is intended to doubt what you already know. Op, understand that the odds are there is more, much more to this story. By being slow feed the information it allows the wayward time to move your breaking point. Example, if she kissed another man it would be over, then she insists it was only a hug, after a month she says it was a kiss on the cheek. While the truth was, it was an all out make out session. By the time you get the truth your breaking point has moved to "if she had sex with him" You busted her, early, but to best believe there is more. Prepare yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted July 14, 2014 Share Posted July 14, 2014 Seen this word a few time on here - as an aside, what does 'gaslighted' mean? Gaslighting is the name of a movie where the husband gets the wife to doubt what she is seeing with her own eyes, by questioning her sanity for thinking that she saw what she really saw. In this case when the OP had reason to believe that there was history between her and the other man, she made him question this reality by telling the him that she thought of the other man as "a pervert and that she never liked him." The main reason for her to do this is to preserve him as someone that she can stay in contact with as "just a friend". Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted July 14, 2014 Share Posted July 14, 2014 I havent even thought of cheating on her since I came clean. Like I saud, I was young and stupid. You were also not married and came clean a year before you were married. Being married matters. Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted July 14, 2014 Share Posted July 14, 2014 I am still worried about it. Hoping that I will stop worrying about it over time. What do you think of her responses? I kind of saw the "he is just an old friend" thing coming. She would not tell an old friend that "she had a dream where she had sex with him", or that "she loved him for a long time (past tense)", and then ask to see him when he is in town. She was openly fishing to see if he would be interested in a romantic relationship with her. Saying that he was just an old friend, was her gaslighting you, because what she was seeking was more than just friendship. In light of her history of cheating on everyone prior to you, you have reason to beleive that this is not over as she may just take this underground. Do not have children with her until you are better sure of the situation. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted July 14, 2014 Share Posted July 14, 2014 Do not have children with her until you are better sure of the situation. And one way to get and keep a handle on the situation is to demand complete transparency. You get all passwords to her phone, computer, emails, and social media. She may not like it, but if she wants the marriage to work and regain your trust, she'll comply. If she doesn't, that's a pretty clear message as to where she's at, and it ain't a place that's conducive to the marriage. Whatever you do, don't sweep this under a rug and hope for the best. "Hope" is not a plan. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Man Mountain Makino Posted July 14, 2014 Share Posted July 14, 2014 I mean, you were snooping, betraying her trust - you are breaking "rules" here too. If you feel the need to snoop and spy on your spouse, there are MUCH bigger issues in the relationship than some little flirting she did with a guy over a social medium. If I was you, I would address THOSE issues - since this convo doesn't really seem like an issue. I never had a relationship where my stuff was off limits to snooping. My PC, email, mobile phone, smart phone, etc was all fair game for investigation. I never resisted - nothing to hide. I think a lot of women do this with their men. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Steen719 Posted July 14, 2014 Share Posted July 14, 2014 Keylogger I was gaslighted until I proved it in black and white and then, of all the stupid things, he still tried to say it wasn't anything - lol Oh well, some find it easier to lie, lie, lie than to stand up and be honest! If you are still worried, keylogger. For those who are uncomfortable snooping, don't snoop. As a person who experienced someone looking straight at me and lying like a rug, I prefer to know the truth in the absence of honesty. When he complained about me invading his privacy, I asked him if that was really what he wanted to concentrate on - that, and not the fact that he was cheating? He didn't really say that again. UGH, the lies - makes me sick that people can't be honest with each other. Maybe she was just being inappropriate online with no thought of meeting up, but regardless, she should have been talking to you about what was wrong and trying to work it out. At least, now you can see where your marriage is and perhaps save it. If you had not found out, it could have developed into something else. Good luck. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted July 14, 2014 Share Posted July 14, 2014 you are not out of the woods yet. You are early in your marriage for her to be doing things like this. Has she ever sent you any pictures or flirty messages? Did you do a DNA test on your child? Have you tried MC? Link to post Share on other sites
Jonah Posted July 14, 2014 Share Posted July 14, 2014 I can see you didnt even bother reading all of my posts. I dont want other women. I thought I made that pretty clear..... I read each and every one of your posts. You said that you had an affair because you were young and stupid. That "young and stupid" excuse is just another excuse, no better than the "old friend" excuse. You knew what you were doing, having fun behind your significant others back. I assure you that yours knew that she was having fun behind your back when she wrote, that she got a thrill out of it. Would she do this guy? If the chemistry is there and the time was right. From her you must find... is it you and her against the world or is it her and the world against you? Link to post Share on other sites
TheBladeRunner Posted July 14, 2014 Share Posted July 14, 2014 I soooooo love that stinking Facebook: For me it WAS the beginning to the end. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted July 14, 2014 Share Posted July 14, 2014 My take on her responses is that she is already down playing the seriousness of this, and is covering her ass by saying she will cut contact with him. Captmal that conversation shouldn't be the end of it. You need to follow up with more discussions. The mention of the sex dream needs to be addressed and not swept under the rug. There are issues rooted in that conversation and she is hiding them. The focus now should be on your marriage and how you can improve on it. Keeping a close eye on her doesn't resolve what"s going on. Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted July 14, 2014 Share Posted July 14, 2014 (edited) You said that you had an affair because you were young and stupid. Actually he said that he cheated early in the relationship a year before they were married. It may be called cheating, but marriage matters, so there is a difference. Edited July 14, 2014 by Try Link to post Share on other sites
AmyBamy Posted July 14, 2014 Share Posted July 14, 2014 I never had a relationship where my stuff was off limits to snooping. My PC, email, mobile phone, smart phone, etc was all fair game for investigation. I never resisted - nothing to hide. I think a lot of women do this with their men. I know that a lot of women do it, and I find it ridiculous. I feel like if you have to snoop, then you are in the wrong relationship. I wouldn't be with someone that I felt like I had to check up on, who has time or energy for that? And, with all of the available mates, why would anyone put up with that? I once broke up with a guy because he read my journal. If he didn't trust me, then he needed to get out of the relationship or talk to me about it, not snoop in my personal stuff. Just bc you are in a relationship doesn't mean that you lose all rights to privacy. Link to post Share on other sites
notserene Posted July 14, 2014 Share Posted July 14, 2014 I know that a lot of women do it, and I find it ridiculous. I feel like if you have to snoop, then you are in the wrong relationship. I wouldn't be with someone that I felt like I had to check up on, who has time or energy for that? And, with all of the available mates, why would anyone put up with that? I once broke up with a guy because he read my journal. If he didn't trust me, then he needed to get out of the relationship or talk to me about it, not snoop in my personal stuff. Just bc you are in a relationship doesn't mean that you lose all rights to privacy. Apart from a few paranoid people, snooping generally happens when someone's suspicions have been raised. I agree that you should trust your partner. Your partner should not abuse your trust. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted July 14, 2014 Share Posted July 14, 2014 Just bc you are in a relationship doesn't mean that you lose all rights to privacy. There is a difference between being in a relationship and being married. Other than when you are in the bathroom, there should be no expectation of privacy in marraige. I know my wife's passwords and she knows mine. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
Author captmal Posted July 14, 2014 Author Share Posted July 14, 2014 There is a difference between being in a relationship and being married. Other than when you are in the bathroom, there should be no expectation of privacy in marraige. I know my wife's passwords and she knows mine. Yeah my wife doesnt have any passwords on her stuff. Link to post Share on other sites
Author captmal Posted July 14, 2014 Author Share Posted July 14, 2014 She used to send me picturesnand flirty texts but that stopped a while ago. I am not going to DNA test my kid. I think that is a little extreme at this stage. What is MC? you are not out of the woods yet. You are early in your marriage for her to be doing things like this. Has she ever sent you any pictures or flirty messages? Did you do a DNA test on your child? Have you tried MC? Link to post Share on other sites
Author captmal Posted July 14, 2014 Author Share Posted July 14, 2014 I will be talking with her again tonight. I am just horrible at confrontation. Especially with someone I love. My take on her responses is that she is already down playing the seriousness of this, and is covering her ass by saying she will cut contact with him. Captmal that conversation shouldn't be the end of it. You need to follow up with more discussions. The mention of the sex dream needs to be addressed and not swept under the rug. There are issues rooted in that conversation and she is hiding them. The focus now should be on your marriage and how you can improve on it. Keeping a close eye on her doesn't resolve what"s going on. Link to post Share on other sites
AmyBamy Posted July 14, 2014 Share Posted July 14, 2014 There is a difference between being in a relationship and being married. Other than when you are in the bathroom, there should be no expectation of privacy in marraige. I know my wife's passwords and she knows mine. That's your opinion. I was married and I would have been livid if my husband would have thought he had the right to read my private journals. I had nothing to hide (he is the one that was having an affair, not me) but that's not the point. The point is, even though married, you don't mold into one being with no privacy. It's not healthy to have no boundaries within a marriage. Marriage isn't some magical thing that necessitates an individual not have some semblance of being an individual still. People that snoop usually do so because they have their own guilt issues or aren't on the up and up. Everyone has privacy - even in marriage. You don't know your wife's thoughts if she doesn't share them with you. Because we are all individuals, and should be. The trick is getting a marriage to work while still retaining that sense of self. If you can't do that, your marriage isn't working properly, sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
HermioneG Posted July 14, 2014 Share Posted July 14, 2014 Apart from a few paranoid people, snooping generally happens when someone's suspicions have been raised. I agree that you should trust your partner. Your partner should not abuse your trust. This is the truth, absolutely. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
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