Wife is sending inappropriate messages on Facebook. What do I do?

[TobyBoy]

That's your opinion. I was married and I would have been livid if my husband would have thought he had the right to read my private journals. I had nothing to hide (he is the one that was having an affair, not me) but that's not the point. The point is, even though married, you don't mold into one being with no privacy. It's not healthy to have no boundaries within a marriage. Marriage isn't some magical thing that necessitates an individual not have some semblance of being an individual still. People that snoop usually do so because they have their own guilt issues or aren't on the up and up.

 

Everyone has privacy - even in marriage. You don't know your wife's thoughts if she doesn't share them with you. Because we are all individuals, and should be. The trick is getting a marriage to work while still retaining that sense of self. If you can't do that, your marriage isn't working properly, sorry.

I have a question for you. Would you "snoop" on your underage daughter or son if you suspected they were not being truthful with you?

[Try]

I was married and I would have been livid if my husband would have thought he had the right to read my private journals.

There is a difference between an email or text that you are by definition sharing with others, and a private journal that you share with no one. If you are sharing emails or texts with an opposite sex friend, you should have no issue sharing it with your spouse.

 

People that snoop usually do so because they have their own guilt issues or aren't on the up and up.

It is totally false to say that "that snoop usually do so because they have their own guilt issues or aren't on the up and up". People who snoop usually do so because their gut correctly told them that something was wrong, and they are looking for confirmation.

 

Everyone has privacy - even in marriage. You don't know your wife's thoughts if she doesn't share them with you.

Again, there is a difference between an email or text that you are by definition sharing with others, and your private thoughts that you share with no one.

[No Limit]

I don't understand being in a relationship and snooping and then trying to demand the other person to do something or stop doing something.

 

If your spouse takes his/her "right to cheat", you damn well are right to snoop. Marriage isn't forceful bonding, if you don't want to be with a lying cheater and you're already getting to the point of having suspicions then do yourself a favor, snoop and divorce.

 

And now, you want the relationship to be something it never was anyway. Unrealistic expectations imo. I really do wish you luck, but it sounds pretty hopeless to me with all the lying and snooping and cheating. Why did you get married anyway? (not trying to be mean, I just do not understand why people marry in these type of relationships and then spend years being unhappy, bringing children into it, and then waxing regretful that it's not the relationship they want it to be but the one they always had - not like it's a surprise considering you both cheat)

 

That I'll agree on with you. You cheated on her, so the trust is probably non-existant. Remarkable that you don't want to cheat on her anymore, but as soon as a new superman turns up her resentment - subconscious or not - will quickly put you down.

And the rest... I ask myself the same.

 

OP, get a keylogger and wait a few days.

[AmyBamy]

I have a question for you. Would you "snoop" on your underage daughter or son if you suspected they were not being truthful with you?

 

Are you comparing a spouse relationship to a parent/child relationship? If so, you have more issues than you realize. I am the legal guardian of my minor children and they are my responsibility - a grown man who chooses to be my partner does not fall into that same category in any way, shape or form. If you see your spouse as a child that needs to be corrected and guided, then you are in for a world of hurt when you realize that they are free agents, no matter if you are married or not.

[AmyBamy]

There is a difference between an email or text that you are by definition sharing with others, and a private journal that you share with no one. If you are sharing emails or texts with an opposite sex friend, you should have no issue sharing it with your spouse.

 

It is totally false to say that "that snoop usually do so because they have their own guilt issues or aren't on the up and up". People who snoop usually do so because their gut correctly told them that something was wrong, and they are looking for confirmation.

 

Again, there is a difference between an email or text that you are by definition sharing with others, and your private thoughts that you share with no one.

 

I would gently suggest that you do some research on the importance of privacy in marriage/relationships. It will include information regarding the importance of maintaining individualism and self identity.

 

I agree that a private journal and a text might be two separate things, depending. However, I stand by that if I felt the need to snoop on my partner, I would not be with them, period. My partner is an adult man whom I do not control and that doesn't scare me because I trust him.

 

It amazes me to read on here the amount of energy and life some people put into trying to force another adult to do or not do something. You cannot prevent people from doing what they are going to do, and any illusion that you can is simply that, illusion, a false sense of control of something that you cannot control. And, let's be honest, if you have to control someone to be honest, faithful, truthful - is it even real? If they are being forced and blackmailed and given ultimatums? It will breed resentment - that I can guarantee you.

 

I feel bad for those that feel this need. To waste all of that time in life snooping and worrying and trying to control things that they can't control. It is such a waste of time and energy and resources. I prefer to just live my life and if someone proves to be unfaithful, dishonest, etc, I do not try to force them into being someone or something they aren't. When they show me who they are, I believe them, and react accordingly.

[Try]

However, I stand by that if I felt the need to snoop on my partner, I would not be with them, period.

Are you saying that if your husband started to act suspicious, and your gut told you that something was wrong, that you would end the marraige rather than snoop? In practice that is what you just said. Many here would need more to end their marriage, especailly if they have children involved. They would try to get that more by snooping in the hopes that they would find nothing.

[HermioneG]

I would gently suggest that you do some research on the importance of privacy in marriage/relationships. It will include information regarding the importance of maintaining individualism and self identity.

 

I agree that a private journal and a text might be two separate things, depending. However, I stand by that if I felt the need to snoop on my partner, I would not be with them, period. My partner is an adult man whom I do not control and that doesn't scare me because I trust him.

 

It amazes me to read on here the amount of energy and life some people put into trying to force another adult to do or not do something. You cannot prevent people from doing what they are going to do, and any illusion that you can is simply that, illusion, a false sense of control of something that you cannot control. And, let's be honest, if you have to control someone to be honest, faithful, truthful - is it even real? If they are being forced and blackmailed and given ultimatums? It will breed resentment - that I can guarantee you.

 

I feel bad for those that feel this need. To waste all of that time in life snooping and worrying and trying to control things that they can't control. It is such a waste of time and energy and resources. I prefer to just live my life and if someone proves to be unfaithful, dishonest, etc, I do not try to force them into being someone or something they aren't. When they show me who they are, I believe them, and react accordingly.

 

Having done the research, there's a truth bias. When you are in an intimate relationship with someone, especially over extended periods of time, it is easier for them to lie to you.

 

https://www.msu.edu/~levinet/deception.htm

 

So if your gut is telling you that you are being lied to, and yet, the person is insisting they are not lying, it is not unreasonable to verify. This is very different than irrational jealousy. This is an internal signal that something is wrong. It is okay and all right to pay heed.

 

And then you can, to reborrow the phrase you used from Maya, know exactly what you are being shown.

 

I have also found, in my life, that exceedingly honest people have no secrets. They don't lock phones. They make their passwords if necessary for things, open and available. That openness, that clarity, usually results In a strong pattern of trust that requires no validation.

 

I agree in no ultimatums. I never have given them. I however- have explained my boundaries. I make no attempts to ever control other people. But I do have standards for myself, so that there never need be another round of explanation needed, on what I accept.

 

It's good to be clear, open and honest.

[thummper]

I soooooo love that stinking Facebook: For me it WAS the beginning to the end.

 

Facebook CAN BE a wonderful way to connect with friends, BUT from what I've read on this and other sites, it has also been the destructive force behind a lot of marriage breakups. Ahhhhh, those "old friends" and "old flames," and "old boyfriend/girlfriends!" Let's get together and check each other out (in whatever sense those words mean.)

[thummper]

That's your opinion. I was married and I would have been livid if my husband would have thought he had the right to read my private journals. I had nothing to hide (he is the one that was having an affair, not me) but that's not the point. The point is, even though married, you don't mold into one being with no privacy. It's not healthy to have no boundaries within a marriage. Marriage isn't some magical thing that necessitates an individual not have some semblance of being an individual still.

1. People that snoop usually do so because they have their own guilt issues or aren't on the up and up.

 

Everyone has privacy - even in marriage. You don't know your wife's thoughts if she doesn't share them with you. Because we are all individuals, and should be. The trick is getting a marriage to work while still retaining that sense of self. If you can't do that, your marriage isn't working properly, sorry.

 

1. Where on earth did that statistic come from???

 

 

From my perspective if one of the partners, male OR female has a gut feeling that there's something happening that shouldn't be, they have a perfect right to try and discover what's going on.

[Timmos]

If she wishes you were more aggressive speaks volumes on how you carry yourself as a person.

 

Kind, loving, honest, and completely secure in the fact that my wife would never lie to me? Yeah, I know - Pathetic.

[HermioneG]

Kind, loving, honest, and completely secure in the fact that my wife would never lie to me? Yeah, I know - Pathetic.

 

Agreed. It's an immature, soap opera-ish view of life to wish for aggression and the resultant drama. No thanks. Give me a quietly self assured and confident man every day of the week.

[katielee]

"women do it, and I find it ridiculous. I feel like if you have to snoop, then you are in the wrong relationship. I wouldn't be with someone that I felt like I had to check up on, who has time or energy for that? And, with all of the available"

 

 

Well if I had not snooped on my husband he'd have had two affairs without me knowing about it. Sorry, if he's not going to tell me what is going in in MY life, I'm gonna snoop....

[atreides]

If I may in response to Amy and hopefully helps the OP

 

I don't understand being in a relationship and snooping and then trying to demand the other person to do something or stop doing something.

 

Respectfully and I say this on principle, infidelity is most of the time an addiction. I am not aware of one addiction where intervention and what you would call snooping is not required when one spouse of the relationship loses sight of it without notice to the other spouse. If the objective is the relationship, most of the time in an addiction especially a strong one like infidelity, action is required and many are thankful for nipping it in the but before it got worse both spouse that is. I know i have lived with a family of addicts that required all kinds of things you would go against in principle.

 

 

 

 

Honestly, I'm sad for your child. It sounds like you both are dishonest with one another and got married and pregnant anyway. And now, you want the relationship to be something it never was anyway. Unrealistic expectations imo. I really do wish you luck, but it sounds pretty hopeless to me with all the lying and snooping and cheating. Why did you get married anyway? (not trying to be mean, I just do not understand why people marry in these type of relationships and then spend years being unhappy, bringing children into it, and then waxing regretful that it's not the relationship they want it to be but the one they always had - not like it's a surprise considering you both cheat)

 

 

Let me tie this into what i will write below your next quote and direct it as well to the OP. To me, infidelity starts the clock when one gets in engaged or cultural/mutual agreement of reaching that "social tier" of commitment and not before as that is the point of exploring and finding the right match and test lower levels of social commitment.. Regardless though, she forgave him as she married him. Perhaps there are those that marry for the wrong reasons, but i take your statement as though to assume we all know the future. Moreover many times is the case, that the person we marry 20 years later is a very different person. I am sure they went into this eyes wide open.

 

The convo you explained sounds pretty mundane really, is it worth some odd ultimatum? I mean, you were snooping, betraying her trust - you are breaking "rules" here too. If you feel the need to snoop and spy on your spouse, there are MUCH bigger issues in the relationship than some little flirting she did with a guy over a social medium. If I was you, I would address THOSE issues - since this convo doesn't really seem like an issue.

 

Now to tie this into my above statement. Let's be real this is the heart of your argument. Quite frankly you do not see what she did as a big deal, a matter of perspective. I am sure if you dealt with addicts that you would agree to compromise levels of privacy but in your opinion this example for the OP does not qualify for you and that is the heart of the matter.

 

I would only counter as with my example above as to what i consider infidelity which is likely a different opinion than most have on the matter and yours I am sure, but that is a matter of perspective is it not?

Infidelity as with other addictions have red flags we look out for, which if the objective at hand is to correct, the earlier the better which requires action because the addict is not in the place to realize and or is already in the process of escalation in regards to the addiction.

 

From where I am standing, what she did is absolutely not acceptable on any level but i am sure you will disagree, but for the OP, I think he is doing the correct things to hopefully prevent the addiction from going further/getting off the ground and ultimately produce a result that perhaps may lead to divorce but without the consequences of a full on long term A in the least. If he waits for a smoking gun, far more time, resources and pain will be felt even greater. The damage is thus more severe and if they decide to R at that point and to your point of wasted years, i would argue that very point to you.

[captmal]

Thank you for the support. It means a lot.

 

 

If I may in response to Amy and hopefully helps the OP

 

 

 

Respectfully and I say this on principle, infidelity is most of the time an addiction. I am not aware of one addiction where intervention and what you would call snooping is not required when one spouse of the relationship loses sight of it without notice to the other spouse. If the objective is the relationship, most of the time in an addiction especially a strong one like infidelity, action is required and many are thankful for nipping it in the but before it got worse both spouse that is. I know i have lived with a family of addicts that required all kinds of things you would go against in principle.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Let me tie this into what i will write below your next quote and direct it as well to the OP. To me, infidelity starts the clock when one gets in engaged or cultural/mutual agreement of reaching that "social tier" of commitment and not before as that is the point of exploring and finding the right match and test lower levels of social commitment.. Regardless though, she forgave him as she married him. Perhaps there are those that marry for the wrong reasons, but i take your statement as though to assume we all know the future. Moreover many times is the case, that the person we marry 20 years later is a very different person. I am sure they went into this eyes wide open.

 

 

 

Now to tie this into my above statement. Let's be real this is the heart of your argument. Quite frankly you do not see what she did as a big deal, a matter of perspective. I am sure if you dealt with addicts that you would agree to compromise levels of privacy but in your opinion this example for the OP does not qualify for you and that is the heart of the matter.

 

I would only counter as with my example above as to what i consider infidelity which is likely a different opinion than most have on the matter and yours I am sure, but that is a matter of perspective is it not?

Infidelity as with other addictions have red flags we look out for, which if the objective at hand is to correct, the earlier the better which requires action because the addict is not in the place to realize and or is already in the process of escalation in regards to the addiction.

 

From where I am standing, what she did is absolutely not acceptable on any level but i am sure you will disagree, but for the OP, I think he is doing the correct things to hopefully prevent the addiction from going further/getting off the ground and ultimately produce a result that perhaps may lead to divorce but without the consequences of a full on long term A in the least. If he waits for a smoking gun, far more time, resources and pain will be felt even greater. The damage is thus more severe and if they decide to R at that point and to your point of wasted years, i would argue that very point to you.

[Noproblem]

Once a cheater, always a cheater......

[Steen719]

People that snoop usually do so because they have their own guilt issues or aren't on the up and up.

.

 

Horse hockey!

 

If only this were true. Instead I was taking care of his sorry a** and working 2 jobs to try to save our house. I understand your assertion that there is a need for privacy and we all have things we do not tell others, but the reality is that our spouses are not always truthful and for me, the choice between "snooping" and being lied to and cheated on was not a very difficult one. And, I was not trying to force him to do anything. IT WAS FOR ME!! Not him. He had made his choice; I was simply uninformed about it and it most certainly did involve me in every single way. I never snooped on him before and he had cheated on me 8 years into a 22 year marriage. But, by golly, when he started acting squirrley again, you betcha I did.

[smackie9]

Again??? It should have been strike one you're out!

[smackie9]

I will be talking with her again tonight. I am just horrible at confrontation. Especially with someone I love.

 

Maybe this is a wakeup call then. It just goes to show you, you must have open honest communication on a regular basis to maintain a marriage for the long haul.

 

We tend to forget each other because of life, and responsabilities with work, raising kids, paying the bills, etc. We forget to be a couple, and spend quality time as a couple, going out on dates, doing special things for each other, just to let the other know they are more than someone who sleeps in your bed and shares the chores.

[Steen719]

Again??? It should have been strike one you're out!

 

Yeah, hindsight and all that. Son was 7 and I thought it was better.

[smackie9]

Yeah, hindsight and all that. Son was 7 and I thought it was better.

 

 

Ya I hear that from a lot of parents. People don't realize it's not always for the better. Kids are happier with 2 parents that are separated but living happily with their lives, rather than two parents being misrable staying together.

[HereNorThere]

Ya I hear that from a lot of parents. People don't realize it's not always for the better. Kids are happier with 2 parents that are separated but living happily with their lives, rather than two parents being misrable staying together.

 

Unless it's a highly toxic environment, the statistics aren't with you. The children have significantly higher rates of divorce, depression, etc. A lot of people will tell you that watching their home being broken up was one of the most devastating thing they have ever been through.

[sweet_pea]

I always laugh when a person tries to make someone feel bad for snooping, especially when it comes to infidelity. Heck yes, I'm gonna 'snoop' if my gut is telling me something is very wrong and my spouse isn't being truthful. Since my spouse isn't gonna tell the truth or tell me what's up when I ask (and tries to make you feel crazy for asking, get mad at you for asking or takes things even further underground) I'll find out on my own. Sorry, but I don't think secrets should be held in marriages when they affect a spouse in such a damaging way.

[Thruster]

chances are she justs needs some attention

 

everyone has a note taped to the head

 

"Tell me I am special"

 

So that is the reason for the flirting -- looking for that -- wink -- the smile - -etc..

 

no if you happen to walk home and she is boinking the neighbor

 

well change the note to read "you are gone"

[smackie9]

Unless it's a highly toxic environment, the statistics aren't with you. The children have significantly higher rates of divorce, depression, etc. A lot of people will tell you that watching their home being broken up was one of the most devastating thing they have ever been through.

 

Yes that would be an immediate reaction, but in the long run everyone benefits. Of course not every case is going to have a positive outcome. It all depends on the couple and what they do to fix their marriage IF it is repairable. If they can't everyone loses.