sugarlove Posted July 13, 2014 Share Posted July 13, 2014 Just wondering.. found my exbf trying to contact a whole bunch of women on LInkedIn.. usually making comments about their profile pic on guise of a "new job" notification from LinkedIn in December last year. We broke up this April and I hacked into his email account. Found out he has been asking an overseas girl if he can stay in her bed when he visits her in Indonesia. My best friend and I are debating about this issue, she said they never ever change but on the other hand, I felt it's quite narrow minded to feel that they will NEVER ever change.. surely maturity will change them down the road? My question is have you ever taken back a cheat and found them recommiting the act? Or will it be something that be worked through with a bit of discipline and counselling? Link to post Share on other sites
Author sugarlove Posted July 13, 2014 Author Share Posted July 13, 2014 (edited) I also found out when he was 25 (via his gmail), he placed an ad on Craiglist to seek mature women for casual sex. At that time, I was very sure he was in a serious relationship with his then gf. He's 28 now.. I thought that was just an immature phase he was going through.. Why did you change? WHat prompt you to decide it's enough? Edited July 13, 2014 by sugarlove Link to post Share on other sites
Author sugarlove Posted July 13, 2014 Author Share Posted July 13, 2014 My theory on cheaters is that they are narcissists. Very few acts are as selfish as cheating on your partner. I don't really think a person grows out of narcissism, it is just who they are. I just kind of woke up one day. I had a bit of a dark time when I was in my 20's and I spent a couple years just soul searching and staying to myself for the most part. I have seen what cheating does to people, and I don't want to have anything to do with that. As bad as it sounds, when I used to cheat, I honestly didn't think much about the feelings of my partner. If someone really wants to have any chance at a successful relationship, they can't be a cheater. I understand. As for me, I've never cheated, never felt the need to or even really want to. Even when I've some male friends who are interested in me, I made sure things are ended formally on one relationship first. It's sad that some people just can't be faithful no matter how much you show them you love them. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted July 13, 2014 Share Posted July 13, 2014 love is not a cure all. Narcissism is a personality disorder, and personality disorders need therapy and sometimes drug therapy. There is no cure, but if there is a will to change, they need to maintain it for the rest of their life. so yes some can grow out of it as enigma said, and some just can't......... Oh well not to worry, you have your values and you will find someone out there that feels the same way as you do. Dating is like buying a car, you have to kick a lot of tires to find the right one. Best of luck sugarlove, may you find your prince charming Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted July 13, 2014 Share Posted July 13, 2014 My question is have you ever taken back a cheat and found them recommiting the act? Or will it be something that be worked through with a bit of discipline and counselling? Yes I took a cheater back and yes it happened a second time.After the second time I did not even give my then GF more than a couple of moments to even attempt an explanation. Nothing she could have said could have changed my mind at that moment I walked out of her life within 15 minutes and never looked back. And I'm better off for it. I think it depends on the person and whether they ever faced any consequences in the first place. Generally if they faced some real world consequences it would at the very least perhaps give them pause to do it again. Some people will do it no matter who they are in a relationship with for a myriad of reasons according to them. It's very hard for people to do the actual work necessary in order to regain trust. Someone who wishes to reconcile has to be committed to reconciling and do the work necessary to become a safe person to be around. Sadly most people are incapable of doing the work without looking deep into themselves and their reasons, as the time involved can be too daunting so it may be easier for them to move on without addressing their issues, thus setting themselves up to sabotage their next relationship with the same act. There is a huge difference between Regret and Remorse. Most if not all start out with some sort of regret(initially at being discovered) but unless they do the hard work necessary they will rarely reach remorsefulness Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted July 13, 2014 Share Posted July 13, 2014 I took a cheater back and no he didn't cheat again BUT he wasn't a serial cheater, it was a one time thing. 2 years later I broke up with him for very different reasons. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 13, 2014 Share Posted July 13, 2014 By 25 they should be out of the immature phase. So I don't think he will change in time to make a difference in your life. Let him go & stop hacking his e-mail. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted July 13, 2014 Share Posted July 13, 2014 A friend of mine got together with a guy with a... questionable past. He behaved well, even his friends told her how much he changed for her. 2 weeks later he randomly broke up after their school had made a little trip when they graduated, and previously to that he said that "He can't promise anything, he's a guy and has needs". I didn't understand why she didn't kick him to the curb as soon as he said it, but I'm just glad she handled it very well. He tried to make some drama too, contacted her a few days after the breakup and texted "You're so childish" when she didn't reply; but she went NC and never broke it. Best decision she could have made, otherwise she wouldn't have met her current boyfriend. They've been together for a year now. So, no. They might change for a period of time, but they fall back into old habits. There are exceptions of course, but the number of people who actually come around is so little, why take chances? And those who really do change -- I'd say maybe 10 of those people each year, at best. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sugarlove Posted July 14, 2014 Author Share Posted July 14, 2014 Do all cheaters have the GIGS syndrome? Perhaps that's caused them to seek gratification elsewhere, hoping that something is better. Or is it just something in them being unable to commit to just one person? Oh yeh, the email thing is done after and just once. That's enough for me. Do I regret it? No. I'm just gobsmacked that a cheater can dump someone out of guilt and never gave that person closure or even try to justify their reasons. What kind of human does that... Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted July 14, 2014 Share Posted July 14, 2014 There truly is no justification for cheating. And not all cheaters are the same. People cheat for different reasons. Some cheat because of lack of experience, some seek that high, the thrill of the chase, some has a sex addiction, some do it to boost their ego, some use it as an escape from a boring or abusive relationship, some also cheat because they are too afraid to leave a relationship.....I can go on and on. Seriously you need to let this go before it eats you alive. Move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sugarlove Posted July 14, 2014 Author Share Posted July 14, 2014 Oh I've definitely move on. Not hanging on at all. Just wondering as this is all very new to me. I've never been cheated on before, so it helps me I've some information to work on especially the inner clockwork of a cheater's mind. THanks for the clarification! Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted July 14, 2014 Share Posted July 14, 2014 Ya it sucks too be cheated on, but it is an experience you will learn from and will help you down the road. Relationships are never 100% ending up with someone who cheats on you is a 50/50 chance. My ex cheated on me, but it was the fact he was young, drunk and me being his second experience, that combination made him step over the line. She wasn't even attractive and was older. It was a total shock. So not all people who find themselves in that situation are not typically a cheater. Some would call it a mistake, a one time thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Javelin Posted July 15, 2014 Share Posted July 15, 2014 @Op, your guy there is a cheater... And, if you have no fiscal attachments to him, then you should let him go... Also, cheating on your partner has nothing to do with mental issues, disorders, or character flaws. The person made the decision to cheat, put themselves before their commitment, and followed through with the act. To simply generalize a cheater into an illness related category infuriates me to no end and gives people that do cheat a form of sick justification. I'm not saying that cheaters can't learn from their awful habits, but the majority don't learn and cheat again. Link to post Share on other sites
Andy_K Posted July 16, 2014 Share Posted July 16, 2014 I had an ex who cheated on every boyfriend previous to me. Occasionally she'd mention/boast I was the only boyfriend she hadn't cheated on. I asked her why once... Her reply was along the lines of: "Don't get big headed, it's not because you're better than them at all. It's nothing to do with you. I just grew up." I'm pretty sure she has never cheated on anyone since either. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts