Hopeless situation/give up? From NYC to Europe

[hey123]

Hey, so,

I went to an American college (but Im European) for a while, then transferred back to a school in Europe. I met this guy in the US in college, we had a one time thing, wasn't too in to him back then although I do remember he was caring and considerate. Lets call him A.

 

When living in NYC this past year (after graduating from school in Europe, it was a temporary job so knew I was going home), I dated a few people. Most of them didn't turn out to be such great guys, but hey what to expect in NYC I guess. Until I met A again, he contacted me at the end of my stay since he had just moved to the city and asked to get drinks. Hadn't seen him in four years but we hit it off immediately. It was clear that it was more than just a sexual thing this time, and during my last three weeks in New York, we hung out every day after work, and I stayed over at his apartment every night.

 

I felt this connection I haven't felt since my last and only long term relationship. He said he felt the exact same way. We went out with friends together, partied, showed public affection in front of our friends too. He told me I meant a lot to him and that he would miss me incredibly.

 

I've been back in my home country these past two weeks, and haven't really been feeling well, been sick, and miserable over going back (starting a two year masters program in the fall in my home country). Thing is, I feel like Im the one always initiating contact, and I dont recognize this. Hes busy with work ofc, Im home sick but still. When we talk, its incredible and he says that he loves talking to me and that he misses me so much.

 

But he also made it clear to me that he doesn't want a long term relationship because a) he had one with his previous gf that didnt end well and b) too little foundation to build on/uncertainty that Ill be back.

 

Thing is, I might be crazy, we've met three weeks but still: I told him that I have the money to travel and see him, first in August, then October etc. And I know for sure that I'll apply for jobs in NYC as soon as I graduate. That Ill be there next summer on a summer internship. I keep my word, and I always return to the States, it's like my second home. I love the US and am planning on moving back.

 

Why isn't this enough for him? I feel hurt. Is the distance/geography just an excuse for him? He thinks Im smart, funny, "absolutely stunning", which he tells me frequently, and that he's so happy to have found me. That if I had stayed, he would have loved to commit to me. Yet, why would he risk losing me? When I assure him I'll be back? Why does he want to keep his options open? because to me, that's what it sounds like.

 

Should I let him go (he wants to keep in contact he says, but not sure I can do this, too attached to him now and thought of other girls would kill me), should I stay with other friends when I visit the States, and, most importantly, when I move back permanently in two years, should I give him another chance? I know many friends that have met like this and stayed together, moved to each other's home countries. Made compromises and sacrifices.

 

So maybe I'm just not the one for him, and I should find someone who doesn't see barriers in things?

[hey123]

Maybe I'm living in a fairy tale world. He tells me that he cares about me deeply but that I'm being a bit naive and short sighted with this reasoning. That he wouldn't want to put the strain of a long distance relationship on either me or him. That I'll realize that this is for the better down the road. That seeing each other every once so often won't be enough for him.

 

That he'd love for me to visit and that it'd mean a lot to him if I stayed with him. Perhaps I'm cynical/ too demanding, but I can't help but feel that I'll be hurt from this/get stringed along.

 

I know that I can get other dates here in my country (perhaps easier than he does?), already have guys contacting me about going out, and I think he realizes this. But I don't want them, I want him. Why would he risk losing me?

[TAV]

Because not everyone has the guts to be in a LDR with all the heartache of missing the other one, the uncertainty and sometimes loneliness that goes with it.

 

He dreads you being out of his life completely though but I think that is the only power you have at this point, no matter how much it will hurt you too. Go NC and let him realise what you mean to him. And if and when he contacts you be adamant and tell him that you either want to be in a committed relationship with him or nothing at all.

 

I know what you mean when you say you don't want anyone else but him. I only said to my LDR bf last night that the first year or so he acted as if he should better enjoy this while it lasted since he expected me to wake up and tell him that I could not do this after all and that I needed to date local people. No matter how many times I told him that it was only him I wanted and that I had very valid reasons for thinking that way and was not living on a cloud. He admitted that it took him a while to believe in our love due to his past relationship and the impossibility of it all.

 

Your man sounds like a good guy who has also been hurt in the past and wants to play it safe. It's up to you to open his eyes. I hope you can.

[daisydook]

I am someone who no matter who you are, I would not entertain a LDR. Yes, you're coming back in 2 YEARS, but that is two years away. Also, you're doing your Masters during this time. I'm sure most people would feel you don't have time.

 

I am sure you're very important and he does love being with you. You're not there to be with though, so I do understand that. I need my partner near me, not living half way across the world.

 

I need to see my partner and I am not built for LDRs. I would go insane and it wouldn't be enough for me.

[FitChick]

NYC to Europe is nothing time wise on a plane. It can take just as long flying across the US if you need one or two connecting flights.

 

Why can't he travel to you half the time? You'd see each other every month but it would only be traveling every other month for each person. Hardly a big sacrifice if you are Skyping and texting in between. I'd give him that option. Tell him you understand his being dumped by someone who didn't care enough about him to make it work. You aren't that girl and you are both older now than he was then.

 

Then if he still argues against it, tell him how much you care, have a list of all of your good points and your points as a couple. Then say you wanted to put your cards on the table. You plan to go silent on him and would appreciate it if he respected your wishes so you can get over him.

 

Let him date all the flakes out there and think of what he lost. Who knows, he might change his mind. However, if I were you, I wouldn't hang onto that hope but live my life, even start dating. If it's meant to be, it will all fall into place without your help.

[writergal]

OP then you need to be direct with him and ask him if he can commit to you LDR for the next 2 years, and do the things required to stay connected that many others in LDR's have done, which have been suggested here.

 

When I lived in Chicago, a friend of mine from France met her husband right before she had to move back to Paris (her student Visa expired) for a year and a half until she could get a work Visa and move back to Chicago. Before she left, he also told her he had cold feet and wasn't sure he could do the year and a half wait.

 

Mind you, this was well before Skype came into existence so the only connection they had to close the distance was long distance phone calls from LAN lines. None of us had cellphones at the time either, including those two.

 

Well, they somehow survived that year and a half gap with him flying to Paris to see her multiple times, since she couldn't return yet due to Visa issues.

 

Today they are happily married 14 years with 1 child and spend every summer in Paris with her family.

 

LDR's can and do work when both people involved truly love each other (even if one person has cold feet and major doubts).

 

LDR's are not for the fearful but for the brave. It's meant for those who are willing to spend time alone, in exchange for a little bit of time with the person they love. It's meant for those who know a good thing when they see it, even if they don't see it nearly enough.

 

In 2014, you have so many digital platforms to help you stay connected with people who live abroad; Skype (video), Google (for calling, instant messaging), Facebook (instant messaging), the phone, and international plane trips. There really isn't any barrier anymore to keep people separated, except the barriers they create themselves (mental barriers) out of insecurity and fear.

 

If you know he's the "one," and you know you want to be with him then tell him this and tell him you need to know if he feels the same and if he is willing to come visit you, Skype, call, etc. b/c in the grand scheme of life, 2 years is not that long to be apart. Married soldiers spend far more time apart from their spouses and still make it work.

Edited July 13, 2014 by writergal

[Eternal Sunshine]

Guys will often use distance as an excuse not to commit.

 

I am a firm beleiver that there is no obstacle big enough if both people truly want it.

[writergal]

Guys will often use distance as an excuse not to commit.

 

I am a firm beleiver that there is no obstacle big enough if both people truly want it.

 

Agree with you 100% ES.

[hey123]

A few different viewpoints here.. He wrote to me.. a long essay reiterating that LDR would be impossible for him and that physical intimacy is a factor. That any chance we might have in a future would be killed in a LDR. How it hurt him that I wasnt there with him and that this had nothing with him wanting to play the field/string me along as I had accused him of.

 

Actually, I cant even pin down for myself why I'd like a LDR either.

I mean, Im still fairly young, I guess have options too here in my country. I guess it's hard for me to separate between my ego/hurt feelings too and true love when I ask him to be in a LDR and he denies me that. And surely Ill be busy with my masters this fall. I just wish there was some kind of arrangement to agree not to sleep with other people before I come visit New York again, because it'd feel weird knowing that both/either one of us have been with others in between. Without us necessarily being in a relationship per say? Haha, but I realize how absurd that sounds.

 

So yeah, I dont think Ill push this issue any further, it might ruin the memory we have. If our paths will meet again, they will.

 

And perhaps, if I meet him in the future, Ill "forgive" him for feeling this way. Im not sure. Ideally Id like a man like the one in writergal's story, to realize "Im the one", fly over for me, commit to me. That deep down I think, if I truly were the one, why is he letting me go like this? Dont I deserve better?

But perhaps, on the other hand, I need to be a realist, like him. If any of you have further inputs, feel free to share them

[Zeurich]

Now my dear friend I have few questions. Does he loves you as you love him? Did you ever felt that he care for you he loves you and he wants you?

I truly understand what you say but what I feel he does not care that much. If he cannot accept that you will be back after your degree then I don't think there is much health on this sort of affair. I know many friends who are successfully married. Now days what does mean LDR? Nothing there is skype/ viber/whatsapp/ many things to talk to each other. Take a wise decision getting hurt at early stages is much better than you getting hurt after you take effort to go NYC.

 

What I think you better ask him directly " do you want me as I do want you"

Honestly saying is easy than done!

[Trufita]

OP then you need to be direct with him and ask him if he can commit to you LDR for the next 2 years, and do the things required to stay connected that many others in LDR's have done, which have been suggested here.

 

When I lived in Chicago, a friend of mine from France met her husband right before she had to move back to Paris (her student Visa expired) for a year and a half until she could get a work Visa and move back to Chicago. Before she left, he also told her he had cold feet and wasn't sure he could do the year and a half wait.

 

Mind you, this was well before Skype came into existence so the only connection they had to close the distance was long distance phone calls from LAN lines. None of us had cellphones at the time either, including those two.

 

Well, they somehow survived that year and a half gap with him flying to Paris to see her multiple times, since she couldn't return yet due to Visa issues.

 

Today they are happily married 14 years with 1 child and spend every summer in Paris with her family.

 

LDR's can and do work when both people involved truly love each other (even if one person has cold feet and major doubts).

 

LDR's are not for the fearful but for the brave. It's meant for those who are willing to spend time alone, in exchange for a little bit of time with the person they love. It's meant for those who know a good thing when they see it, even if they don't see it nearly enough.

 

In 2014, you have so many digital platforms to help you stay connected with people who live abroad; Skype (video), Google (for calling, instant messaging), Facebook (instant messaging), the phone, and international plane trips. There really isn't any barrier anymore to keep people separated, except the barriers they create themselves (mental barriers) out of insecurity and fear.

 

If you know he's the "one," and you know you want to be with him then tell him this and tell him you need to know if he feels the same and if he is willing to come visit you, Skype, call, etc. b/c in the grand scheme of life, 2 years is not that long to be apart. Married soldiers spend far more time apart from their spouses and still make it work.

 

Such a good post!! Agree 100%

[nomadic_butterfly]

I think it is unwise emotionally and financially to invest in this situation. It's very rare that a situation plagued with doubt from the very beginning goes well in the end.

 

Sure he may appreciate the gesture of you willing to sacrifice and see him more than once this year, but you have to understand you cannot set the tone where only one person (YOU) is sacrificing. The other person will not appreciate you as much and then you usually end up being the one always giving, and him always taking.

 

You never know, you might finish your degree, come back to the States, and you are both single and able to see if there's a future there. He seems insecure and not able to commit so it will be futile and you will be hurt and angry if you buy those tickets, and he still acts wishy-washy towards you. He told you everything you needed to hear so don't try to turn it into what you want to hear.

 

He is right in that there isn't a solid enough foundation there. An international LDR is a hefty investment and if both people don't take it very seriously and/or already positioned by default to be traveling where the other is (i.e. work, disposable income, etc.), why bother with all that hassle when you can have someone local that requires much less effort? He thinks you are a nice girl but doesn't seem to have made enough of an impression to fully trust the situation to remove all fears based on the pass, and give it a full shot.

 

I mean, what if the visa/job situation God forbid doesn't go as you are planning it now? No one can predict two years down the line. If he invested now, saw you a couple weeks out the year and then the visa/work doesn't pan out for you, where would that leave him? One of the only choices unless you are a highly skilled laborer would be marriage and if he wasn't ready for that, everyone gets a losing hand. I've learned in life it's best not to force or contrive things. You want to fight for it, but he doesn't so let it go. Maybe you will cross paths again, or maybe you won't. It takes two people to decide to give it a shot, not one.

[hey123]

Thanks for responses guys. Im usually pretty hard on people. As many of you say, this may be a lost case because it takes two people to want such a thing.

 

But life is too short to hold grudges against people though or to be disappointed. So in response to his long letters about that nothing would make him happier than to have me back, spend time with me etc... That distance was the Only factor that didnt make this feasible right now..and that he didnt see LDR as realistic at all... Well I told him that I understood. That enough with tragic/accusatory essays on my part, that I, too, would miss him dearly and try to keep him in my heart.

 

I understand his viewpoint now. Our paths may cross in the future, they may not. I will go back to NYC as planned, on holidays (most likely staying with other friends instead) and eventually for work. And hey, theres always something good in everything, right? This way, I can be certain that a potential move to the US further down the road will be because I want it, and nothing to do with him.

 

He said that honestly hearing that meant so much to him, that he was grateful I understood. Itd tear him up inside if he knew I was angry or disappointed in him. That he's love to talk soon.

 

Im actually content with this. Why should I burn bridges by telling him "its all our nothing"? "Commit to me or I wont talk to you again/wouldnt want to see you?" Take life, myself, or relationships too seriously at this point? Id love to travel some first, meet new people. And hey, he's 25. How can I expect someone to, after seeing a girl for three weeks, commit to flying back to Europe every other month? For two years? If not more. To a country he has no connection to or doesn't speak the language. For me it's easier. I have other motives to visit NYC again besides him.

 

Perhaps there are people like that out there, he wasn't that person, at least not now. But perhaps he'll feel differently when he's 30? When he wants to get married? I dont know, no one knows. All I know is that life is much easier if I'm forgiving and not too hard on people.

 

I'm sure we'll both date other people. And perhaps perhaps one day he'll realize that I'm one of the good ones, perhaps that someone who got away. And if not, bah, there are so many others out there

[nomadic_butterfly]

This is a very well balanced and rational outlook! I am glad you've cleared your head and spoke to him. I wouldn't have "cut him off" either as he did nothing wrong, in fact he did what many men don't have to courage to do; told the truth! Nothing worse than to be given false hope!

 

And I spoke from experience with paths crossing again. You wouldn't believe how many things I thought were "final," only

to see those doors open again at a later time but even so, I've never put my life on hold, just kept living and the chips just fell into place. You sound like a smart girl with a plan so I am sure in the end it will all work out for you!

 

 

Thanks for responses guys. Im usually pretty hard on people. As many of you say, this may be a lost case because it takes two people to want such a thing.

 

But life is too short to hold grudges against people though or to be disappointed. So in response to his long letters about that nothing would make him happier than to have me back, spend time with me etc... That distance was the Only factor that didnt make this feasible right now..and that he didnt see LDR as realistic at all... Well I told him that I understood. That enough with tragic/accusatory essays on my part, that I, too, would miss him dearly and try to keep him in my heart.

 

I understand his viewpoint now. Our paths may cross in the future, they may not. I will go back to NYC as planned, on holidays (most likely staying with other friends instead) and eventually for work. And hey, theres always something good in everything, right? This way, I can be certain that a potential move to the US further down the road will be because I want it, and nothing to do with him.

 

He said that honestly hearing that meant so much to him, that he was grateful I understood. Itd tear him up inside if he knew I was angry or disappointed in him. That he's love to talk soon.

 

Im actually content with this. Why should I burn bridges by telling him "its all our nothing"? "Commit to me or I wont talk to you again/wouldnt want to see you?" Take life, myself, or relationships too seriously at this point? Id love to travel some first, meet new people. And hey, he's 25. How can I expect someone to, after seeing a girl for three weeks, commit to flying back to Europe every other month? For two years? If not more. To a country he has no connection to or doesn't speak the language. For me it's easier. I have other motives to visit NYC again besides him.

 

Perhaps there are people like that out there, he wasn't that person, at least not now. But perhaps he'll feel differently when he's 30? When he wants to get married? I dont know, no one knows. All I know is that life is much easier if I'm forgiving and not too hard on people.

 

I'm sure we'll both date other people. And perhaps perhaps one day he'll realize that I'm one of the good ones, perhaps that someone who got away. And if not, bah, there are so many others out there

[justwhoiam]

I would just say "Thank you for the wonderful time we could spend together while I was there with you and in your life. Unfortunately, I'm not cut for flings anymore. I obviously fell for you, so I think it's wise we don't meet anymore. I understand your point of view, and that you don't want a relationship, especially with me. NYC won't be the same for me without you. I wish you all the best." Then I'd sign with my name.

 

And that's the end of it. Move on. Or it'll become a FWB thing with him. And I guess that's not what you need while living in NYC.

 

Good luck!

[hey123]

hey! thanks for responses. Im usually hard on people, as said. But most of you here seem even harder on him than I am at the moment. Perhaps Im living in denial, only seeing what I want to see (him very much into me but sees LDR as an impossibility at such early stages of dating)...

 

 

So I didnt write him that letter. Well see what happens when I come back to the States again.

 

Til then, there are plenty of others. And if not, Ill focus on my studies for a while

[justwhoiam]

Perhaps Im living in denial, only seeing what I want to see

It looks like it.

 

Well see what happens when I come back to the States

You'll hook up with him again.

[Tayla]

Some folks have different concepts of a relationship. Guys ( and I try not to overgeneralize), yet there is truth in this: They sincerely believe its the Physicalness that creates the relationship. Thus the concept of out of site out of mind. They constantly need the visual and concrete being there. I am not justifying it, its a fact more then anything else.

 

Women on the otherhand value the intimacy of heart and concepts of character. It goes way beyond the physical.

 

My LDR was two years. Europe to america, and vice versa. I read your story and it was very much how mine went. Knew him for six , seven years thru various run ins while he came to america. We always clicked yet kept things in perspective til it hit the LDR stage...seemed to come naturally. We remained in the LDR stage for 2 years. then parted ways...His choice mostly. And I respected him for that. It was bittersweet yet I do not regret knowing him or having that time in my life. Its rarely a waste of a life when so many good memories and streghtening of character were had.

Whatever you chose for this time in your life..may it enhance you in future times.

[ASG]

It looks like it.

 

You'll hook up with him again.

 

Is that really the worst that could happen??

 

I'm in the same kind of situation, only the distance isn't as big, but the circumstances make it tricky.

 

Met this guy last year, we were both working on a show, on tour. We hit it off and started sleeping together. It was just that, and under the banner of "what happens on tour, stays on tour".

 

Tour finished, I went on xmas holidays and he went back on tour just before I came back, so, even though we were still messaging each other, we didn't actually see each other for about 3 months.

 

Then he came back and we went out for drinks. He was going to be in town for a few weeks before going on tour again, so we hung out every week. By the time he was about to leave for his next tour, a connection had developed and saying goodbye was hard... So hard in fact that we were still texting pretty constantly and I ended up going to visit him.

 

It worked out that he was coming to London every few weeks, so we saw each other somewhat regularly. But we have both made it clear we don't want a LDR. I don't think we have enough to build on with the distance. And touring is kinda like a Big Brother experience. it's all encompassing and sometimes it's hard to connect with the "outside world".

 

So we decided to keep it casual and reassess when he's back. Which will be in the New Year.

 

In the mean time, we still text (mostly initiated by him, since I don't want to overcrowd him). And he always lets me know when he's coming to town.

 

Maybe it won't amount to anything, maybe it will... I don't know. In the meantime, we're free to date whomever. I find myself not wanting to. And I don't think he is, either.

 

 

All of this to say that i understand where he's coming from! And it might not be too much time on a plane, but the costs add up, if you're flying every other month to the states! Not to mention time off!