Long history.

[Shizno]

This is gonna be a long one with no tl;dr. Fair warning.

I came to post here because throughout my relationship with the woman I'm currently dating I've never received a unified response from my friends regarding this situation. For what I'm gonna describe some of my closest friends have said it's not worth breaking up because with the exceptions of this issue my girlfriend has they see us as the ideal couple.

 

Basically, my girlfriend is some sort of attention whore, but nothing like your typical one. There's no way of talking about my problem without chronologing our entire relationship.

 

This all started a year ago a few months after we started dating. She was drinking one night and was at a party I couldn't go to because it was for a social group of her ethnic subculture (family from Eastern Europe is part of almost a cult like group in the US). She got blackout and some ass kissed her, and let's just say she didn't instantly reject (I found out it lasted a few seconds before he got pushed away). I forgave her because I knew that if I was blackout and a girl I used to crush on did that to me, I don't know how quickly I could deny her.

 

However for a while I became insane with jealousy. Every guy friend I treated like her being a flirt. I was mostly wrong, but it led to some confirmation bias forming on her part for whenever the topic was brought up.

 

Fast forward to New Year's Eve. Same thing happens, ethic subculture party, etc. This time she pushes the guy (different than before, he had no feelings he was just high af) away instantly. He was on shrooms and didn't know she had a boyfriend and she forgave him. Let's call him A, he's relevant to the problem at hand.

 

She is currently in the country her family came from on an internship with her friends from that ethnic group. Neither of the guys I mentioned are there, that's not the problem.

Before she left we got into a tiny argument because she wanted to get coffee with an ex-lover turned good friend (she was with him for a week before she decided she didn't like him). I didn't like this because the guy seems weird. She respected my feelings and didn't go. However it's pretty much impossible for me to sound legitimate now because of the confirmation bias she formed back when I acted crazy.

However around that time I saw that she texted A, basically for the same thing. It was along the lines of "A! How's it going? We should get coffee sometime, I need more [ethnic group] people in my life." He responded he couldn't and offered her to come on a day hike with his friends, to which she never responded. I'm not one to violate privacy anymore, this was an open text when she asked me to set an alarm on her phone. Whether or not she was trying to hide this I will never know.

The issue now is that I didn't want to start a huge argument with her before she left. She sends me love messages every day while she is gone and is overall pleasant. I want to bring up this issue, but I also did something really bad before she left (to summarize, called her a cunt). I want to be able to be all happy and whatnot while she is gone

 

Now I know that on paper this seems like an obvious solve. That I should just end it. But it's not so black and white. This girl loves the hell out of me. She always talks about our future, our kids, etc and I like it all. She is also a smoke show. From her mom I know she has good genetics, like I honestly very rarely see girls on her level and she loves sex with me. But to even further complicate ****, we both have been there for really traumatic stuff in each others lives. Like, really really horrible stuff. I also know she would never legitimately cheat, but I put this under this subforum because I consider this all emotional cheating (btw inb4 responses about how she lied about the guys who forced themselves, I was really paranoid at the start because of a ****ty previous relationship, so I acquired the knowledge of those scenarios through means I'm less than proud of).

 

So, for those who made it through that wall of text; what do I do? I used to be a little beta bitch boy, but I feel like had I given less ****s and returned the favor she would never even bother with people like A (guy friends are unavoidable, she was basically a boy until middle school and that tom boyishness carries over). It's not like she was flirting, she texted him the way she does when she talks to my best friend about a tv show or some ****.

 

Do I just do the opposite of what I used to do? Should I just pretend like I never saw that and go get close female friends and give zero ****s? In any other scenario I would break up with her, but to put it simply we are otherwise 100% ****ing perfect and she wants a real future with me. She just has the fatal flaw of being an attention seeker and being put in scenarios which only build a case against her.

 

I'm just trying to figure out how to put her in her place basically. I feel like if I do the same **** maybe she will begin to understand. I've recently been going out with women she is super uncomfortable with me being around instead of doing what I used to do and pamper her every concern and wish. Is this the right path to go down?

[todreaminblue]

I have a problem when guy say i need to put her in her place......please clarify this statement and i honestly think there are no really perfect relationships only truly workable ones built on trust, honesty and compassion...... to me you are failing in all three on both sides of the fence..........

 

 

you dont really trust her

 

you called her a cunt that is not compassionate or even nice....i basically dumped a guy for calling me that totally turned me off and made me see him in a new light....rapists use the word all the time damn me to hell if i let a bf call me it or sleep in the same bed as him...disgusting crap...its a word you should never with compassion in mind and the image it gives is you call your gf that

 

you arent being honest with her and i feel this needs to happen......

 

 

can you tell me where or what her place is in your life.....i am forming judgments due to your choice of word to call her, and this putting her in her place thing, i am sorry about that .....but it isnt something i agree calling any woman ...and as far as place goes it should be by your side.......deb

[Shizno]

I have a problem when guy say i need to put her in her place......please clarify this statement and i honestly think there are no really perfect relationships only truly workable ones built on trust, honesty and compassion...... to me you are failing in all three on both sides of the fence..........

 

 

you dont really trust her

 

you called her a cunt that is not compassionate or even nice....i basically dumped a guy for calling me that totally turned me off and made me see him in a new light....rapists use the word all the time damn me to hell if i let a bf call me it or sleep in the same bed as him...disgusting crap...its a word you should never with compassion in mind and the image it gives is you call your gf that

 

you arent being honest with her and i feel this needs to happen......

 

 

can you tell me where or what her place is in your life.....i am forming judgments due to your choice of word to call her, and this putting her in her place thing, i am sorry about that .....but it isnt something i agree calling any woman ...and as far as place goes it should be by your side.......deb

 

Maybe put in place was the wrong phrase. More like showing her how it feels because she has changed very little from soul bearing conversation? And the context of the c word....we got into an argument about something petty, name calling got out of hand on her end and I simply was being an ******* that day. First time I ever used the word.

 

What do you mean by I'm not being honest with her? I've spoken with her about every problem except my issue with A. I only avoided that so we could have a nice time while she was gone.

 

And her place in my life? Potential life mate

 

Also I'm not justifying anything. If you believe something I said is wrong, I'm here for advice

[smackie9]

I have guys friends and from a woman's perspective, so far I don't see anything inappropriate so far. She is young yes, and at this time in her life she is still learning and developing as an adult and so are you. Showing her up by hanging out with hot girls is juvenile and will only cause more of a riff between you and eventually destroy what you have. You can't force her to change, you get what you see. You have a beautiful woman, you will always have men chasing her, flirting with her, trying to get her attention, etc. You can't stop that from happening. Telling her to avoid anyone who may find her attractive is asinine. So what to do. Well you obviously won't breakup because you are madly in love with her, fair enough. You will just have to express your feelings to her, and if she has any respect for you, she will make adjustments to your requests as long as they are justifiable. Remember the tighter you pull that leash you have on her, the more she will resist, so don't be so controlling, try to be fair.

 

BTW, your relationship is in the honeymoon stage, or the infatuation stage. This is when people will talk about the future, marriage kids etc. But I am here to inform you, it IS just all talk and should never be taken as a promise. It may never happen. So never base your relationship on the talk of marriage so early in a relationship.

 

You both still have a lot of growing up to do. Communicate, have open discussions, learn compromise, and in time things may settle down if your relationship survives another year.

[Darren Steez]

Maybe it's about time she stops going to these ethic subculture parties... since that may not be an option since this is her family we're talking about..(also if it's her family with her at these parties, don't they know you're with her..why are they letting her talk to these random men?)

Why not go with her?

 

I will concur with the others. Yes got kissed but it happens..second time a bit dodgy but still she told you (would be a bit concerned why she keeps putting herself in these situations where dudes think it's ok to lean in and kiss) Third time would be a bit of a killer because all these incidents are doing nothing to reinforce any trust you might have built up over time.

 

You say she will never cheat and she loves you? Personally never say never, but attention whatever or not. No more hanging with dudes that are exes, or when at ethic subculture parties hanging with dudes that are not her brothers, cousins or uncles.

[Space Ritual]

This is gonna be a long one with no tl;dr. Fair warning.

I came to post here because throughout my relationship with the woman I'm currently dating I've never received a unified response from my friends regarding this situation. For what I'm gonna describe some of my closest friends have said it's not worth breaking up because with the exceptions of this issue my girlfriend has they see us as the ideal couple.

 

Basically, my girlfriend is some sort of attention whore, but nothing like your typical one. There's no way of talking about my problem without chronologing our entire relationship.

 

This all started a year ago a few months after we started dating. She was drinking one night and was at a party I couldn't go to because it was for a social group of her ethnic subculture (family from Eastern Europe is part of almost a cult like group in the US). She got blackout and some ass kissed her, and let's just say she didn't instantly reject (I found out it lasted a few seconds before he got pushed away). I forgave her because I knew that if I was blackout and a girl I used to crush on did that to me, I don't know how quickly I could deny her.

 

However for a while I became insane with jealousy. Every guy friend I treated like her being a flirt. I was mostly wrong, but it led to some confirmation bias forming on her part for whenever the topic was brought up.

 

Fast forward to New Year's Eve. Same thing happens, ethic subculture party, etc. This time she pushes the guy (different than before, he had no feelings he was just high af) away instantly. He was on shrooms and didn't know she had a boyfriend and she forgave him. Let's call him A, he's relevant to the problem at hand.

 

She is currently in the country her family came from on an internship with her friends from that ethnic group. Neither of the guys I mentioned are there, that's not the problem.

Before she left we got into a tiny argument because she wanted to get coffee with an ex-lover turned good friend (she was with him for a week before she decided she didn't like him). I didn't like this because the guy seems weird. She respected my feelings and didn't go. However it's pretty much impossible for me to sound legitimate now because of the confirmation bias she formed back when I acted crazy.

However around that time I saw that she texted A, basically for the same thing. It was along the lines of "A! How's it going? We should get coffee sometime, I need more [ethnic group] people in my life." He responded he couldn't and offered her to come on a day hike with his friends, to which she never responded. I'm not one to violate privacy anymore, this was an open text when she asked me to set an alarm on her phone. Whether or not she was trying to hide this I will never know.

The issue now is that I didn't want to start a huge argument with her before she left. She sends me love messages every day while she is gone and is overall pleasant. I want to bring up this issue, but I also did something really bad before she left (to summarize, called her a cunt). I want to be able to be all happy and whatnot while she is gone

 

Now I know that on paper this seems like an obvious solve. That I should just end it. But it's not so black and white. This girl loves the hell out of me. She always talks about our future, our kids, etc and I like it all. She is also a smoke show. From her mom I know she has good genetics, like I honestly very rarely see girls on her level and she loves sex with me. But to even further complicate ****, we both have been there for really traumatic stuff in each others lives. Like, really really horrible stuff. I also know she would never legitimately cheat, but I put this under this subforum because I consider this all emotional cheating (btw inb4 responses about how she lied about the guys who forced themselves, I was really paranoid at the start because of a ****ty previous relationship, so I acquired the knowledge of those scenarios through means I'm less than proud of).

 

So, for those who made it through that wall of text; what do I do? I used to be a little beta bitch boy, but I feel like had I given less ****s and returned the favor she would never even bother with people like A (guy friends are unavoidable, she was basically a boy until middle school and that tom boyishness carries over). It's not like she was flirting, she texted him the way she does when she talks to my best friend about a tv show or some ****.

 

Do I just do the opposite of what I used to do? Should I just pretend like I never saw that and go get close female friends and give zero ****s? In any other scenario I would break up with her, but to put it simply we are otherwise 100% ****ing perfect and she wants a real future with me. She just has the fatal flaw of being an attention seeker and being put in scenarios which only build a case against her.

 

I'm just trying to figure out how to put her in her place basically. I feel like if I do the same **** maybe she will begin to understand. I've recently been going out with women she is super uncomfortable with me being around instead of doing what I used to do and pamper her every concern and wish. Is this the right path to go down?

 

 

I am just going to float a couple of things out there....take it with a grain of salt if you wish

 

Regardless of your relationship you must understand that her interactions with her Ethnic Group will continue regardless of whether you are in a relationship with her or not. There really is not anything you can do about that if you want to remain in a relation ship with her. It is part of her culture, and she will always be involved with it.

 

 

 

I don't think "Putting Her In Her Place" will have the desired effect that you seek. IMHO I don't see much to work with here...you don't trust her which is understandable but I don't see much point in continuing the relationship if it's regressed to this point. You will continue to be upset....she will continue to have friends from her Group...and this will continue to be an issue....Wash Rinse Repeat....

 

Do yourself a favor and move on.....If you are considering Tit For Tat measures in a relationship its pretty much a Wrap and nowhere to go but down.

[todreaminblue]

Maybe put in place was the wrong phrase. More like showing her how it feels because she has changed very little from soul bearing conversation? And the context of the c word....we got into an argument about something petty, name calling got out of hand on her end and I simply was being an ******* that day. First time I ever used the word.

 

What do you mean by I'm not being honest with her? I've spoken with her about every problem except my issue with A. I only avoided that so we could have a nice time while she was gone.

 

And her place in my life? Potential life mate

 

Also I'm not justifying anything. If you believe something I said is wrong, I'm here for advice

 

 

yeah put her in her place might have been a wrong way to phrase it, when guys have said this to me its standing over the top of me they say it.....normally after they kick the **** out of me.....so its a reflex reply i wrote you.....i dont think its manly or masculine to say you need to stay in your place to a woman, i think its an issue if a guy wants a woman to stand at the back or down from them...again this is my perspective born from experiences, not so good ones, i now understand what you mean and it isnt about putting her in her place at all,more akin to an understanding and resolution you wish for your relationship to progress.....

 

 

i did explain i have a pet hate about that c word...its an issue with me and i need to work on it.i have bile come up when i hear it ..........and i understand now you were both name calling ....not that good for resolution though when you let it get out of hand.....for either one of you, maybe a walk away ten minute calm down policy during conflict would be helpful for the both of you, then resume from a saner calmer view for both to reach resolution

 

as far as honesty goes i think you should let her know what exactly you feel you are unsure about whether to continue or not, you ar unsure whether you can get over this flaw.....dont avoid anything because it will just grow.....

 

 

i understand you see her as a life mate or potential to be such , but conflict resolution and more productive ways of disagreement ending need to be sought ....i think this can be done with complete honesty with compassionate ways of dealing such honesty and maybe a ten minute recess when things get ehated , do it before the name calling occurs

Edited July 13, 2014 by todreaminblue

[Shizno]

I'm getting a lot of "try to work it out or break up if you can't handle it." I have actually done both... I have spoken to her and she did address it to the point it's at now, but I think now she is dodging telling me certain things out of fear of arguing.

 

And I have actually broken up with her about this. Not in the way that you would in your teenage years, but we were separated for a while. She "couldn't be without me. Seeing me with someone else would be impossible for [her]." I Also felt the same way and we came to a set of agreements (I also have problems that I'm not addressing, but not of this nature). Clearly if she had interests in others, then would have been the time to pursue them.

 

I want to talk with her about the A problem, but it is already so stressful doing a long term relationship until the end of the summer (our communication is loving, but it's fragile ice upon which we walk. i.e. we don't criticize each other about anything so that our conversations are upbeat).

The problem is I feel that not only if I wait the window of relevance to talk about the situation has passed, but that it already has. I feel like I couldn't justifiably bring it up after trying to let it go. I couldn't be like, "hey remember when you asked me to set your alarm like a month and a half ago? I saw that you initiated conversation with A because it was open to it when I unlocked your phone. What's up with that?"

 

Do I just wait and see? I mean when we are together there are no signs of infidelity at all. In fact she is most definitely crazy for me sometimes. Should I just ignore this particular problem I have, and if something comes of it discuss it then (such as if she actually does go out for coffee with him rather than texting him and falling off)?

[smackie9]

We all know what you are going to do....not talk to her about it and bury your head in the sand because you are so p%$%* whipped.

[Shizno]

We all know what you are going to do....not talk to her about it and bury your head in the sand because you are so p%$%* whipped.

 

You must know me intimately. I am going to, but I just want to wait because honestly it isn't worth the headache of arguing online. I learned the hard way a while ago that 2 months of online arguing can be resolved in 20 minutes in person.

 

Legitimately, in all honesty: what would someone from your perspective recommend?

 

EDIT: One thing I forgot to note about her behavior...it's not like she is ignoring, cold, distant, etc. Many times she almost seems insecure like she knows she is pushing me more away. She calls herself a burden on me when I bring up stress. She sometimes asks if I'm bored in the relationship and is relieved when I say no. So on and so forth. It's not like I am being some punk beta who is attending her every whim. The tables flip back and forth I suppose.

Edited July 14, 2014 by Shizno

[Space Ritual]

Your relationship is currently long distance correct? She is in another country for an internship?

 

LDR's take a BOATLOAD of trust and just as much of an amount of hard work communication-wise, if not more, than most standard relationships. From what you write, there is little to no trust in your relationship. LDR's are hard enough under regular circumstances but the whole jealousy and mistrust going on probably does not bode well.

 

It is not going to get better anytime soon.

 

Go date someone local. You'll be alot better off.

 

Good Luck:)

[Shizno]

Your relationship is currently long distance correct? She is in another country for an internship?

 

LDR's take a BOATLOAD of trust and just as much of an amount of hard work communication-wise, if not more, than most standard relationships. From what you write, there is little to no trust in your relationship. LDR's are hard enough under regular circumstances but the whole jealousy and mistrust going on probably does not bode well.

 

It is not going to get better anytime soon.

 

Go date someone local. You'll be alot better off.

 

Good Luck:)

 

It's only for another 3 weeks. Summer internship, I'm doing one as well (you have to nowadays :/)

[Space Ritual]

EDIT: One thing I forgot to note about her behavior...it's not like she is ignoring, cold, distant, etc. Many times she almost seems insecure like she knows she is pushing me more away. She calls herself a burden on me when I bring up stress. She sometimes asks if I'm bored in the relationship and is relieved when I say no. So on and so forth. It's not like I am being some punk beta who is attending her every whim. The tables flip back and forth I suppose.

 

Sounds more like she is putting the Onus on you to break it off....or giving you an out before she goes and does something she may or may not regret.

[Shizno]

Sounds more like she is putting the Onus on you to break it off....or giving you an out before she goes and does something she may or may not regret.

 

I've actually considered it and after the initial breakup thing we did went into a period where I slowly started to ween off. She sensed it and basically acted like the model girlfriend and brought up she sensed it too and asked what she could do.

 

Honestly, talking it out with different people here and just expressing my feelings, I feel like I am settling on a course of action. She is shifting away from how she acted when our relationship was more rocky. She always explicitly sends me messages when she's gone about how it's no fun without me there, how she even wants me to send her a shirt of mine so she can feel closer. That doesn't seem like the mentality of someone who is seeking to potentially cheat. Despite that she is in the place she loves most, she is unable to be fully happy because we can't share it (her words, not mine).

 

Honestly, she is just stupid in this regards I feel. We share a friend group and it is almost memetic that she is very immature with relationships. When I discussed the matter with close friends they all commented on how she has grown with me.

 

I will man up and talk about the problem with her, but when she comes back. I do actually believe that with enough guidance rather than me doing what I used to do and seek and force, she can possibly change (I've seen bigger changes than what I seek). I'm not looking to manipulate, but if instead of being the angry, hurtful person I used to be and trying to force her to change and instead being a person who only loves, then if she can't change I have no choice but to move on. In that process I'll probably become a better person.

 

Maybe people I've spoken to in this thread see this as naive or immature, but I guess this is what I've fallen on. I can take the hurt if it fails (trust me, I've put more trust in others and been hurt 100 fold more than a cheat could do to me).

 

Thanks for responding to my whinyness, but I think I've determined where I'm going with this.

[smackie9]

Many times she almost seems insecure like she knows she is pushing me more away. She calls herself a burden on me when I bring up stress. She sometimes asks if I'm bored in the relationship and is relieved when I say no. So on and so forth. It's not like I am being some punk beta who is attending her every whim. The tables flip back and forth I suppose.

 

This type of behavior is a cry for attention.

[Shizno]

This type of behavior is a cry for attention.

 

Probably is. If she doesn't grow out of it then it's over. But basically I'm giving her and myself another chance (as individuals, not a couple). Up until she left I addressed everything way too angrily and hostile to the point where someone might even think SHE shouldn't stay with me.

 

If my expressing of only love and good emotions doesn't change her, I understand she isn't worth my time.