Why would a woman want space and time instead of working on the issue?

[thefooloftheyear]

Its a canned answer for dumping a guy, but rather than just dropping him on his head, they use this stall technique to save face..Or maybe its a scenario where they want out, but would like the opportunity to come back if they cant find a better deal...

 

Either way, its not a desirable thing to hear and it almost never means what it sounds like its supposed to mean...

 

TFY

[joystickd]

Its a canned answer for dumping a guy, but rather than just dropping him on his head, they use this stall technique to save face..Or maybe its a scenario where they want out, but would like the opportunity to come back if they cant find a better deal...

 

Either way, its not a desirable thing to hear and it almost never means what it sounds like its supposed to mean...

 

TFY

 

Well we are talking a little more now. She says she sees a future with us. She just needs time to deal with her feelings and I understand I brought back some bad memories. I've worked on putting my past behind me to be a good man in the present

[Emilia]

They don't want to solutions in terms of you giving them the solution, you have to be the solution...in terms of you're expected to know what to do, how to approach or engage a situation, how to be comforting, nurturing and emotionally supportive. But there is no solution solution like a man would expect, some logical, rational explanation or understanding of...the solution is you resolving the issue but not really resolving it, doing basically what I said above.

 

Any kind of real problem that cannot be solved with care bear power, like some problem/issue among the couple, isn't going to be resolved by the woman even though she will try...even if the male shuts down. They will withdraw because they know you can't fix the problem because there's something within them that is not interested or motivated in taking it that far, they may not want the issue resolved...both sexes can mask the real issue by their other issues using that as a scapegoat.

 

When it comes to relationships, I don't believe women are effective problem solvers...because they're using trying to fix problems without the tools they need, they don't have a logical/rational approach more often than not, they don't often understand men...just like many men may not understand women, without the insight you don't stand a chance without the other person being open and willing.

The problem is that most people aren't rational enough to be good problem solvers. Men are just as emotional. It's not the lack of interest on their part, it's their inability to take a step back and use sense.

 

They are expected to be logical and rational and don't have the tools to face the fact that they aren't. So they shut down because they aren't allowed to be the emotional beings that they are.

[regine_phalange]

My apology for all the women here. But I tend to do that so I can have some quiet time to think if I should consider emotional blackmail or just sympathy tears.

 

Kidding.

 

Personally, sometimes we just don't even know ourselves. WE try to listen to our gut feeling but couldn't put a finger on it. Other times, we just want to think if we are overreacting over a small issue.

 

I agree. Sometimes there is a lot of "noise", and there are times that you need to make a decision with clear head.. Being able to hear yourself think without someone affecting your decision emotionally.

[joystickd]

I wrote a letter and gave it to her saying this: I had decided to follow my dream. I have been researching and found stuff that would help you follow yours. I want to do my music and eventually get into real estate. Then get in a position to empower people to be financially independent. I thought long and hard about a lot of things. I realized that encouraging you to follow your dreams meant I wasn't living in fear. It's the reason I could never show those 4 qualities you talk about again. A man with those qualities could never allow someone he says he loves to grow as a person and reach their full potential and encourage them to live out their dreams. I want that. I want you to take care of kids and watch them grow, learn and see new things. Like you did with your brother. There was too much passion when you talked about that for you not to at least give it a try at some point. Everything I was afraid of I realized I had put behind me. I have books on writing business plans and some other resources to help you get started

I also said if it's best then I'll understand if she wants to end it

 

Now I will just wait. Hope it works

 

So what do you think of letter I gave her

[Frank2thepoint]

I don't know how many ladies here will say that's the truth. I often tell my bfs that sometimes I just want to talk, doesn't mean I want solutions. If I want to be quiet, I just need some time to think.

 

It frustrates me that guys want to fix everything, we don't need any solutions to be honest, as we already know the answer ourselves.

 

I have to offer a man's counter-point, without frustration. Men, in general, are logical problem solvers. They see a problem, it has to be solved/fixed. Light bulb went out, replace the light bulb. Toilet is not flushing properly, replace internal parts, fix the problem.

 

If they see their woman upset, they try to fix her problem as efficiently as possible. It's the way men generally operate. The experienced men of course, will use building an emotional connection, patience, and understanding with the woman to guide her to solve the problem, to be there with her, and reassure her. But in essence, the man wants to fix the problem. Because as long as the problem exists, his woman will be hurting. It's just how many men are.

 

To offer any defense for men, women (whether some or many) do not always communicate properly. Such women start off a discussion/argument/rant/vent to their man by saying "I don't want you to fix this, but I want to listen to my problem, which is..." This obviously confuses a man easily.

 

Moral of the story. Bother men and women need to practice communicating, and considering each other's strengths and weaknesses when it comes to a discussion.

[joystickd]

Well it worked out. We talked and everything is great

[pteromom]

When I want space, it is because I am feeling too emotional or angry, and I want to regroup so that I can approach the issue in a rational way.

[todreaminblue]

Women are not known to be the greatest of problems solvers in relationships, they just want whatever the problem is to be over or out of their way.

 

Therefore you should fix the problem, and then get back to her when you do...they just want the solutions.

 

 

Let me give you the advice your dad never gave you...

 

Don't ask women for logical/rational explanations, there is no rational answer...they haven't thought about it and they don't know. You're only going to make it harder on yourself trying to figure it out.

 

You have to understand the ever changing variable within women, once you figure that then you'll be able to interpret her behavior. Alas, that is much harder to explain to you.

 

The only reason i ask women questions is mostly out of a sheer frustration, because I already know the damn answers...but ultimately to understand her you need to pay attention to how she behaves, women believe they are highly simple to understand and transparent because they see things from their perspective only, so she will think she is being clear. They also believe they are much better communicators than they really are, but in reality they just think you think like they think and understand things the way they do, and that's how they try to interpret your behavior..when that doesn't work then they give up or just throw themselves helplessly into a situation until by some miracles it just fixes itself.

 

 

classic so putting it on repeat i didnt know how to say it perfectly but you did so i dont need to try and think about it...going back to my day now...cheers to ya.....deb

[somedude81]

Well it worked out. We talked and everything is great

 

You're VERY lucky she was willing to talk.

 

Don't forget that.

[joystickd]

You're VERY lucky she was willing to talk.

 

Don't forget that.

 

Not luck. She loved me and wanted to keep our relationship

[somedude81]

Not luck. She loved me and wanted to keep our relationship

 

And you made her love you?

[thefooloftheyear]

And you made her love you?

 

 

No one makes anyone love another.....

 

TFY

[somedude81]

No one makes anyone love another.....

 

TFY

 

That's the conclusion I wanted joystickd to come to...

 

Thanks for stealing my thunder.

[joystickd]

And you made her love you?

I knew she felt that way the whole time.

[joystickd]

That's the conclusion I wanted joystickd to come to...

 

Thanks for stealing my thunder.

You had no thunder for anyone to steal.

[somedude81]

I knew she felt that way the whole time.

 

And I felt that my ex loved me the whole time.

 

Yet she didn't want to talk it out with me (that's why she's my ex), while your girl did want to talk it out with you.

 

Do you see the point I'm trying to make?

Edited July 18, 2014 by somedude81

[joystickd]

And I felt that my ex loved me the whole time.

 

Yet she didn't want to talk it out with me (that's why she's my ex), while your girl did want to talk it out with you.

 

Do you see the point I'm trying to make?

My girl and our situation was totally different than you and your ex. The situation that happened with me and her I would have as much as didnt want to would have accepted it ending because it was something that really bothered her.

[joystickd]

I'm reconsidering now. There's no touching it's like I'm a platonic friend. No sex and I can't do that. I'm not being a sucker to some woman.

[Monm82]

I don't know how many ladies here will say that's the truth. I often tell my bfs that sometimes I just want to talk, doesn't mean I want solutions. If I want to be quiet, I just need some time to think.

 

It frustrates me that guys want to fix everything, we don't need any solutions to be honest, as we already know the answer ourselves.

 

And women are not the greatest problem solver.... that's a fallacy. I'm sorry but that's not true either. As the silent treatment is quite prevalent among the male species.

 

Still, when someone ask for time and space to think. It will be respectful to give him or her what she needs.

 

Good post.

[No Limit]

Either they need time to think or they need time to screw their affair partner with some peace and not under constant pressure of being caught before making their decision.

 

Depends on what type you're dating currently.

[RedRobin]

They don't want to solutions in terms of you giving them the solution, you have to be the solution...in terms of you're expected to know what to do, how to approach or engage a situation, how to be comforting, nurturing and emotionally supportive. But there is no solution solution like a man would expect, some logical, rational explanation or understanding of...the solution is you resolving the issue but not really resolving it, doing basically what I said above.

 

Any kind of real problem that cannot be solved with care bear power, like some problem/issue among the couple, isn't going to be resolved by the woman even though she will try...even if the male shuts down. They will withdraw because they know you can't fix the problem because there's something within them that is not interested or motivated in taking it that far, they may not want the issue resolved...both sexes can mask the real issue by their other issues using that as a scapegoat.

 

When it comes to relationships, I don't believe women are effective problem solvers...because they're using trying to fix problems without the tools they need, they don't have a logical/rational approach more often than not, they don't often understand men...just like many men may not understand women, without the insight you don't stand a chance without the other person being open and willing.

 

 

Ninja, you just aren't attracted to women who can solve relationship problems effectively. Or they aren't attracted to you. *shrug*

[RedRobin]

OP, When I've asked for space and time to think, it is because I'm trying to decide how I feel about someone or a situation, and the best way to solve it that takes both mine and my partner's feelings/needs into account. Some problems are best solved with some deliberation... not on the fly. When they push or try to solve it for me, I've learned to tell them nicely that I can manage, thank you, and I will get back to them... I'm pretty good about telling them when... a few hours. A day or two. Much like a job interview. It really isn't more complicated than that.

 

 

It doesn't sound like your situation is the end of the world. For now, just go on about your business and let her manage. If she is a mature adult, she ought to be able to bring up the topic again on her own in a responsible way.

 

 

Sometimes I'm open to brainstorming a possible solution with my partner... Have come up with some really great ideas. That only works with people who are good negotiators and when both can keep a cool head. Also only works with people who are quite self-aware.

[joystickd]

OP, When I've asked for space and time to think, it is because I'm trying to decide how I feel about someone or a situation, and the best way to solve it that takes both mine and my partner's feelings/needs into account. Some problems are best solved with some deliberation... not on the fly. When they push or try to solve it for me, I've learned to tell them nicely that I can manage, thank you, and I will get back to them... I'm pretty good about telling them when... a few hours. A day or two. Much like a job interview. It really isn't more complicated than that.

 

 

It doesn't sound like your situation is the end of the world. For now, just go on about your business and let her manage. If she is a mature adult, she ought to be able to bring up the topic again on her own in a responsible way.

 

 

Sometimes I'm open to brainstorming a possible solution with my partner... Have come up with some really great ideas. That only works with people who are good negotiators and when both can keep a cool head. Also only works with people who are quite self-aware.

 

I found out that whole situation was BS. Yesterday I gave her til Friday to figure out what she wanted. She got mad so it's over and it's a big relief that it is. Too much headache and too many lies. Even her friends are getting tired of her. There was so much unnecessary drama and lies as time went on

[RedRobin]

Sorry to hear that

 

 

Sounds like you two have different communication styles

Edited July 21, 2014 by RedRobin