i checked her email and suspect cheating...

[designguy]

hello all,

 

I am a college student in nyc and have had a significant other for almost 3 years now. for almost 2 of that 3 years we were together in a fully commited relationship. for part of that we lived together in an apartment here in the city. around valentines day of last year things were a little rocky, one of those bad points. we had had these points before but always gotten over them. this onw however was especially bad and culminated when she came home and accused me of cheating. this surprised the hell out of me, as i had never even thought of such a thing. i denied it but she wouldnt believe me, she said she might have an std and that the only way she could have gotten it was from me because she hadnt cheated, so i must have. this pissed me the hell off and i told her that we should break up or at least take some time off, but with the agreement that we would not date other people.

 

at thsi point we still had 2 months left on our lease and couldnt afford to break it. so for the next 2 months i had to endure watching her go on dates with other guy and not come back until all hours of the morning. this tore me apart becasue i was there witnessing all of this and i was still insanely in love with her.

 

eventually we started being intimate again (stupid me thinking with the wrong head) and we eventually go to the point where we were comfortable being together, but not officially. when we both moved out that is when things got better, it seemed like we were going to be ok.

 

that summer we both did a program abroad in europe where we saw each other maybe once a week. it was great to have this tim "alone" but thats just it, we were never really "alone". i kissed a girl and she knew within hours, and she was a few countires away...amazing.

 

when we got back from europe we were both good, and it seemed like we wanted a relationship again, but then i found out that she was dating another guy and had actually dated a few in the time i was still in europe and she was home. that pissed me off to no end but she very quickly realized how stupid she was and asked for me back. i said no, but i continued to stay very close to her and like before after a few months we were intimate again. and then we slept together one afternoon...it was great and things were looking good. we decided on meeting again later that night and did. however she showed up 2 hours late and had hickies on her neck. she at first denied anything but then confessed to having "just kissed" this other person. bull.

 

things were not good from then on out but have recently gotten much better. however i did some snooping (and i know thats immoral and bad) but looked through her email and found emails to a guy she has referred to as a friend but nothing else. these emails were very argumentative and dealt with them breaking up because i was back in her life. they go into detail about still having feelings for the other and all sorts of stuff.

 

i want to bring this up but dont know how to approach the subject. i am a terrible person for looking through her e-mail but i dont trust her and feel that it is warranted, being that she wants me back but then has this kind of stuff in there.

 

anyone have any idea what to do? i know i need to grow a sack and just say the hell with it but for some reason i cant do it. i feel like i would be losing a limb if i lost her for good.

 

thanks alot, designguy

[newby]

well you know you were wrong for snooping through her mail so thats ok.

dont tell her about it tho.

it all sounds very confused this relationship.

i couldnt work out if you had only just decided to get back together or not.

have you actually discussed getting back together or did it just happen?

i think you should talk to her about your relationship not about other guys.

theres no point in bringing up other guys if you havent actually got any definition on what your relationship is.

if you just say to her "well i would like to have a proper and exclusive relationship with you, how do you feel about that?" that gives her the chance to be honest with you about whether she is willing or able to do this.

if then she says yes she would like that then you have to make a fresh start and forget the past.

you say she was seeing someone when you were in europe which makes you mad but you also say you kissed a girl while you were in europe and she knows about it. you both need to have a good honest talk with each other about what you want NOW, dont throw any of the past into it, there is no point. it sounds like after the initial break up, everything has been a bit confused.

you need to do one thing or the other and agree on what it is you are doing.

[Owl]

You need to figure out what you really want. And then, you need to decide if that's possible.

 

It seems to me like she's not been honest with you for a long time. She accused YOU of having cheated, when SHE was the one who had an STD?!?! That's pretty typical of cheaters...turn the tables so that it keeps the blame off of you. She's lied to you repeatedly, and pretty much done whatever she wanted with anyone she chose to from the sounds of it.

 

So, do you want to keep her under these circumstances? If so, then don't tell her anything and just learn to deal with being second place to whatever else she's got going on. If not...then you need to confront her, and bring all of it out in the open. Bluntly, it doesn't sound to me like she really has valued your relationship nearly as much as you have, so I personally wouldn't think that she's going to be willing to put for the effort needed to fix your relationship. If you think there's a chance, then the both of you need to start working on the problems that exist between you...communication, honesty, accountability, etc...

 

Regardless, good luck.

[Owl]

BTW- Why post this here? Shouldn't this be under the "infidelity" forum, or under the "cheating" one? Sorry, but would think that this isn't the best place for this thread.

[Podna]

Originally posted by designguy

i know i need to grow a sack and just say the hell with it...

 

I think that is the best idea. Save yourself the pain and just know when to abandon ship.

[d'Arthez]

Unless either of you would have contracted the STD in a hospital (by unhealthy procedures), it looks like she cheated on you. The fact that she did not act quite devastated as a normal cheated upon person would feel also points in that direction. Unless she suffers from severe autism. Dating within a few months, and not even trying to distance herself completely from you are inconsistent with being cheated upon. Some STDs can be transmitted by kissing, so check out which STD it was, and consider if you think the cheating was unforgivable.

 

For the period you were not attached (on a break), you could not have cheated on her, nor could she have cheated on you. You were on a break. Whatever happened, happened. Did she act upset when you kissed another girl in Europe? If so it seems like a case "Will not fully commit to him, will not give him his freedom." Then she does not mind to trample all over you and your feelings, especially as she did practically the same thing.

 

In short you seem more than a safety net to her, than an equal in a partnership. The hickies are a terrible telltale sign, that she does not want to commit fully to you. Why the hell did she ask you back, and cover herself in hickies? Did she act upset when you were talking about things that happened between other guys and her?

 

If you'd call quits, you don't lose a limb. You don't have control over her, and even the limited control you would expect to have when you are in a relationship, has not been there in the past year.

 

Maybe things have improved in your relationship. But the only chance for this relationship to last, is absolute openness in what happened the past year. About the STD, about the European summer, the relationship she had formed with the guy, about which you read in the email. The breaking into her email et cetera. It is the only way you can strengthen your relationship enough.

It would be terrible for the both of you, if the both of you think the other person thinks they are in a great relationship, but with the both of you having doubts.

Either way a confrontation is required. To break up or to strengthen your relationship. If you want to break up it is easier on you to approach the confrontation. However if you want to strengthen your relationship, it takes more preparation to have the conversation.