Please help....broke NC on Valentines, seems to be a spark.....I think.....

[Broken3112]

Ok, here goes. I've posted before but I'll just recap. Me and my ex were going out a good 5+ years almost six, our families became close and there was even talk of marriage. During the fifth year I got emotional problems, anxiety disorder and was neglecting her, we got too comfortable, I didn't take her out much, fighting, getting addicted to substances, being bitter and rude and just generally emotionally detached and unattractive in that sense.....she felt neglected and cheated on me, I found out - she broke up with me shortly after both of us were trying to make things better. Whether it was guilt, being smitten with the other guy or whatever I don't know.

 

Anyway after all the begging and gifts after trying again (I know, my mistake, after all SHE cheated on me) she dummped me, told me how great I was, it just don't feel the same, she cried, I cried and it ended. She told me something wierd - that our paths might cross again - do u want to set a date. I said hell no.

 

1 month NC goes by. We IM a little, all the time she would either go into "Are you okay? I'm so sorry for hurting you..." again and again or we'd just talk about how we are to sort out our shared bank account. Anyway, NC worked in the sense that I was able to fix my problems and COMPLETELY cure my disorders. The whole time she hooks up with the other guy.

 

Anyway..sorry if this is long. But thats how it is. During a certain national holiday, I go over to her house to deliver presents to her family. Little did i know she was there. She chose to come down (her mom told me) to greet me. She starts crying and going into "I'm so sorry for hurting you" mode and I was a little cold and said stuff like you shouldnt have done it and a little while after walked out on her crying. I felt terrible after. Sent an e-mail telling her i didnt mean to be cold. That I want her to smile and be happy as that would make me happy. She waited a week and sent a reply one day before Valentines, saying its jsut that she felt so guilty and it was all cooked up inside her and it comes out when she sees me.

 

Anyway, on Valentines day I heard that she told her mom that she didn't want to spend Valentines with the other person because she knew what she done was wrong.(AS well as the mom telling her not to, and that whwat she did was wrong. Mom loves me and disagrees with her decision to break off with me) She also told her mom that she missed my bunch of friends and the gang. So after a lot of thinking I got a single flower of her favourite color and a card.

 

Drove to her place. Rang the doorbell. She came out surprised. And when she saw me I told her I had something for her, she said I didn';t have to. I said please don't think anything of it, I jsut felt i needed to do it after maybe the Valentines i may have neglected. I gave it to her. I reached out and we hugged for quite some time. I could feel her weeping on my shoulder. It felt so calm in her arms. In fact, the whole time I've never been so calm during the whole breakup and she saw it I think. She offers for me to have a cigarette and chat, so we do. The whole time, we talk about nothing of the relationship or the other person. We just catch up and tell each other stories. She shows off her grown nails (I always hated her biting them) She tells me I've put on weight (that's good, I'm skinny, and I've been working out) We joke just a little bit. Talk about movies, and we ask about each other's families. The whole time I was calm and confident with a little bit of silences between subjects. She told me she missed watching my band and would come to one of our gigs.

 

During mid-sentence of talking about art, we suddenly end up staring into each other's eyes for a good 7-10 seconds. I chickened the stare out and continue talking about random stuff. I sensed a little bit of sadness in her eyes. At the end of it all, I told her that I just wanted her to know that I know she's sorry and I'm sorry too for whatever way I've been and that I learned to use faith and inner-love to overcome all the emotinal problems I had. She weeps a little. We go back to the gate and I said take care of yourself, she said you too. We hugged again for a while, and she rubs my back...as we pull away there was a visible awkwardness - either she was scared I would kiss her, or that she was waiting for a kiss or it was just awkward, I don't know. Our hands held for a short two seconds before they parted. I left her with the flowers and card and drove home.

 

In the card there is a quote that touched me and I wanted her to have it- "People give us well-meant but miserable consolation when they tell us what time will do to help our grief. We don't want to lose our grief. Our grief is bound to our love, and we cannot cease to mourn without being robbed of our affections." Happy Valentines Day, With Love ______.

 

Before you tell me that she doesn't deserve me for cheating on me, I think she was in a confused state and our relationship was affected by my own problems. Its complicated. I don't know what all this means, and I think some of you might be sceptical. But please give me an unbiased analysis...

 

I haven't heard from her since, but my mom has been in contact with hers, and apparently her mom asked if she thinks of me, and she said yes....God, I miss my best friend and partner so much...please help guys.

 

Please tell me what you guys think...

[demonfall]

It does look like there's some hope for you. I wish I could say the same for my situation, though it's similar and just as complicated, if not more. Just be glad there's not a child involved. That's what's hurting me the most.

 

But, enough about me. She obviously feels bad about what happened. Keep in touch with her, I really think a little bit a little bit of contact would be appropriate here. As long as you're prepared for the worst, and are willing to try again with her and think it's what you really want. Keep up the calm confidence -something I need to work on- and let her bring up the relationship. I wish I could learn to take my own advice. I always break and bring something up or say something I shouldn't have.

 

I miss my best friend and partner so much too. At least it looks like there may be a chance for you.

 

Good luck.

[Broken3112]

Thanks a lot, Demonfall. I'm sorry that there is a child involved in your situation, it must be difficult - most of all, especially for the child. I know its nowhere close, but my nephew is so fond of both of us, and he has been devastated by the breakup, sometimes crying for no reason. I hope it goes well for you, and I hope you find what it is that you are looking for. If you are of any faith, pray to God, as that has helped with me...I only cry and let it out when I pray now. I'll take a browse through your last posts to see your situation, and whether I can give any advice.

 

I really hope I can begin to communicate with her...although so far I have initiated contact always. Its been a week now, and she has not initiated any contact. The other day she followed my mom to work, and they stopped by the bakery store, and she pointed out to my mom which was my favorite pastry, apparently 'for her information'. It seems she told my mom this with the knowledge that what she said would come back to me. A hint to me that she cares?

 

So basically I'm scared to contact her because she never bothers to contact me, but always allows me some time if I contact her. It could be that she is with someone else and doesn't feel SHE should contact me. It could be that she is trying desperately to forget me. God, its so hard to read these things.

 

BTW, I feel uncomfortable posting my e-mails, but I'd like some feedback :

 

1 Week before Valentines I sent this after being cold to her :

 

"Sorry if I came across cold when I saw you. It actually saddened me to see you cry and I don't want to see you like that, it made me feel like hugging you and comforting you, but that is no longer my place and my chance has probably passed - please please smile It would make me happy to know you are happy, ok? Don't feel obliged to reply, and take care of yourself. ______ "

 

 

She replied 1 day before Valentines:

 

"you dont need to apologise, you have all the right to appear cold or to be. i was crying because i have been bottling up my feeling and guilt, then when i saw u it all came out. There are times when i get so upset about how i treated u and how you must be feeling, then i bottle it all up and continue with work or whatever. but that day when i saw u, it finally came out. Jordan i am truely sorry for all the hurt i am causing you."

 

Any feedback on this??