Really Want To Let Ex-GF Know I Miss Her

[JustSomeGuyHere]

My ex-gf broke up with me a little over a month ago. We were having some trouble and had talked about it prior. Then one night she finally pulled the trigger and made it official. She still wanted to be friends and I said we couldn't. That we had to no longer talk or communicate. She reached out with a text a few days later that it was weird to not be seeing each other and I never wrote back.

 

She then reached out a week ago again just saying "Hey..." I didn't write back that night, but the next morning felt bad and wrote back "Hey". She never responded. It wasn't a bad breakup. We had a great relationship with virtually no fights. I just feel bad how things ended. I really miss her and want her to know.

 

It just feels like this whole NC thing is such a game and I really hate games. But I also feel like to reach out to her will only be painful. I know that. But a part of me says you only live once and will I forever regret not letting her know?

 

The only reason not to reach out to her is because of fear of getting hurt. But shouldn't a man be strong enough to go after what he wants? Be willing to put his heart on the line? I know I reached out to her last. I know she dumped me. But what if she is just scared of being hurt too. After all, I didn't write back to her until the next day. Maybe she thinks I'm with someone else already? Or she thinks I'm playing a game.

 

I don't know I just feel so lost. I know the overwhelming consensus on here is always go NC pretty much no matter what. But that just feels so passive.

 

Can I really not let someone I miss and still care about know how I feel?

[sugarlove]

You can let her know you miss her as it's normal to miss something you were once close to. But do not beg or show any signs of wanting her bank, also do not expect any response back as well. If you think you can handle that, by all means, Say what you want to say once and only once.

[mightycpa]

Sure you can tell her. But you'd better be prepared for the reply. Try this:

 

Call her up... forget the texting. Ask if you can actually see her, as long as you do it without crying... you don't want her to see you like that.

 

NC is not a game. Hopefully, you're not doing it to win her back. NC is to help you get over her, and it is also a time to reflect on the trouble you were having, what caused it, and why you had it. Sometimes it is because of who you are, and sometimes, it is because of behaviors that begin when people take each other for granted.

 

When you do see her, before you tell her whatever is on your heart, you should tell her that you've been having a difficult time being apart. She's going to want to hear that you've been thinking about the problems, not just her. So explain that you've also thought about the difficulties you were having, and go through them, bullet style. Take some blame, and give some blame. Tell her that you'd like to work on these things so that you can have a normal, loving relationship with her instead of a drama filled one. Ask her what she thinks about it, and if she has any suggestions to try to work on things. Tell her you're not sure if it will work, but you'd like to try.

 

This is the part where you get your answer. If she's willing, then good for you, you have a reasonable girl who still likes you enough to take a chance on you.

 

If she still doesn't want to have a relationship with you, that's when you can tell her that you love her and you miss her, but you don't want to hear from her ever again until you're ready, and that you'll let her know when that day is. Ask her not to text, not to call, tell her that you're going to unfriend her, drop her from your circles, etc. and to help you fall out of love with her by doing the same. Tell her that she'll know when you can be friends, because you'll call when you're interested in that. Tell her how great it was to be her boyfriend, and say your goodbyes. Get out with some class.

[thekid36]

My ex-gf broke up with me a little over a month ago. We were having some trouble and had talked about it prior. Then one night she finally pulled the trigger and made it official. She still wanted to be friends and I said we couldn't. That we had to no longer talk or communicate. She reached out with a text a few days later that it was weird to not be seeing each other and I never wrote back.

 

She then reached out a week ago again just saying "Hey..." I didn't write back that night, but the next morning felt bad and wrote back "Hey". She never responded. It wasn't a bad breakup. We had a great relationship with virtually no fights. I just feel bad how things ended. I really miss her and want her to know.

 

It just feels like this whole NC thing is such a game and I really hate games. But I also feel like to reach out to her will only be painful. I know that. But a part of me says you only live once and will I forever regret not letting her know?

 

The only reason not to reach out to her is because of fear of getting hurt. But shouldn't a man be strong enough to go after what he wants? Be willing to put his heart on the line? I know I reached out to her last. I know she dumped me. But what if she is just scared of being hurt too. After all, I didn't write back to her until the next day. Maybe she thinks I'm with someone else already? Or she thinks I'm playing a game.

 

I don't know I just feel so lost. I know the overwhelming consensus on here is always go NC pretty much no matter what. But that just feels so passive.

 

Can I really not let someone I miss and still care about know how I feel?

 

 

One of the worst words possible is regret. This is honestly a person you have at this point already lost. You should definitely let her know how you feel because there does not seem to much lost with doing so. I would just not count on her coming back to you solely just as a result of doing it. If she is not receptive, then you need to let her go for good.

[loversquarrel]

Just like most things in life, there is a time and a place for complete NC. People that require the need of extreme NC are those who have been abused by their partners physically and or emotionally, or partners who have cheated.

 

I often find there are many people who actually feel the same way you do and they can't find the closure they need because of the NC that was instituted. This is a big problem that is often overlooked with complete NC and can often lead to months of anguish, always wondering "what if". Again, everybody is different, some can not deal with the pain of a lost relationship while others have better coping skills and can deal with such loss. I think in your case, you know how you feel, the relationship wasn't abusive, you didn't indicate she was cheating or had interest in others, and she tried to contact you so it can't hurt.

 

Just keep one thing in mind - be strong and have NO EXPECTATIONS.

[elseaacych]

Someguy: You've really given no indication that you want her back, at least, that's not the vibe I am getting from your post. You told her not to contact her after she broke up with you, she didn't comply with your request for whatever reason. (Indicative of boundary issues and she thinks she has some sort of control over you.) So yeah, she may miss you, she may not want to get back with you.

 

That is a normal feeling for both of you to have. Either way, by staying in contact with her, you open yourself back up for rejection, which will hurt worse for you, EVEN if you DON'T want to get back with her. Rejection sucks, no matter what.

 

I think, if you want her back, now is the time to say your piece. But think about it really hard before you call her, and think about what you want to say. But only say it once, like sugarlove suggested, and be prepared to walk away for good if you don't get the response you want.

 

If you do not want her back, do not contact her. Period. It doesn't matter if it's nice or not. She broke up with you, which is not nice!

[BC1980]

The reason for NC is to protect yourself emotionally from more pain. It's not at all about playing games. At this point, putting yourself back into contact with her will bring you pain. You are not emotionally able to handle it at all in my opinion. Right now, you are still in denial and wanting her back, so your knee jerk reaction is to reach out. Bad idea. She's going to shoot you down again, and you are going to be back at square one. It's a process we have all been through, and we have lived and learned not to break NC. Your number one priority is to yourself right now.

 

I completely disagree with anyone telling you to reach out to her. You say that she might be scared of getting hurt, but she sure wasn't scared of hurting you was she? Why is it your responsibility to reach out to her?

[BC1980]

Just like most things in life, there is a time and a place for complete NC. People that require the need of extreme NC are those who have been abused by their partners physically and or emotionally, or partners who have cheated.

 

I often find there are many people who actually feel the same way you do and they can't find the closure they need because of the NC that was instituted. This is a big problem that is often overlooked with complete NC and can often lead to months of anguish, always wondering "what if". Again, everybody is different, some can not deal with the pain of a lost relationship while others have better coping skills and can deal with such loss. I think in your case, you know how you feel, the relationship wasn't abusive, you didn't indicate she was cheating or had interest in others, and she tried to contact you so it can't hurt.

 

Just keep one thing in mind - be strong and have NO EXPECTATIONS.

 

How can she give him closure? Reaching out to an ex for "closure" is a rookie mistake. Also, how in the world can he not have expectations at this point? He is not in the right frame of mind to put expectations aside.

[bubbaganoosh]

She broke up with you. There's a reason for break ups and she told you and I understand that you miss her.

 

Telling her you miss her will get you what? Answer. Nothing but more heartache. You can miss her until the moon turns black but that won't get her back but what it will do is keep you from healing and until you heal, you wont be able to move on with your life.

 

Stop looking back. Looking back is history and you can't re do it no matter how hard you try. Keep the NC and IMO block her on your phone and face book and move on.

 

Maybe she does contact you but there's a big difference in being on the giving side of a break up rather than receiving the news from them. She doesn't understand the hurt your going through because she was already prepared for the break up and you weren't.

[mightycpa]

I don't mean to quarrel with you, but are you sure NC is for protecting yourself from pain? I don't think so.

 

I think maybe protecting yourself from cruelty of an ex who insists on being "friends", and to help you learn how to live life without the other. Definitely to give you sometime to focus on yourself, and maybe even reflect on how to be in a relationship, if you did some things wrong.

 

But the heartbroken shouldn't avoid pain - they need to embrace their pain. And if the heart refuses to listen to the dumper, then sometimes, what it takes is for them to hear it again until the heart does listen.

 

If I could go back, I'd ask my dumper to record a video on my phone where she'd speak my name, tell me she doesn't love me and that it will never work out, and that we are never getting back together. That would be painful, but it would have finished for me a lot quicker.

 

So, I'm going to respectfully disagree about what NC is for.

[elseaacych]

How can she give him closure? Reaching out to an ex for "closure" is a rookie mistake. Also, how in the world can he not have expectations at this point? He is not in the right frame of mind to put expectations aside.

 

You make a good point. However, my philosophy is that if you want to take ONE last shot to try and make it work and are willing to make it work, you should ask, regardless of if you are the dumper or the dumpee. It's an emotional time and both parties, to some extent are hurt by the loss of the relationship, at least I would hope. If you get rejected again, you get the "closure" you need, and psychologically it helps you move on faster because then you get the validation of "Well, at least I tried." (Read it Psychology Today, a few months ago.)

 

Sometimes you just need that extra knock on the head to get to moving on.

[todreaminblue]

normally if i miss someone i reach out.......to me thats normal, ill say hoep to see you soon or something like that and then leave it to them , i dont hide what i feel but i do control what i say...if i am worried about them though ...ill give them a feisty comment to get a response to make them think even fi they dont respond to get them to feel something....if they dont respond ...i worry more..but i dont send another message...ill go stealth and subterfuge and ask someone else if they are ok.....smilin...i look out for people i care about even if they dont appreciate it.....ignorant sods.....;0)...honestly havent had many people not appreciate the efforts i make.....and because of this people i care for and look out for, are normally there for me if i need help and a kick up the butt too.....they are honest with me like i am with them

 

 

 

the best you can do is be honest if you want to reach out, reach out...be prepared for no response back and be happy knowing you are true to you and what you wanted to do ...it is the right thing actually to follow your heart..what i do is pray for a good ten minutes before i send a message, about what i should or shouldnt say and if a feisty comment is appropriate because i actually dont like to send comments that are a bit confronting..... and if i feel a warmth in my heart i know i am on the right track..love isnt from the head it isnt logical or concise and often messy if you are prepared for that ...you will survive whatever comes.....or doesnt...come what may seize the day

 

and in that seizing the day, do it right and for the right reasons........deb

Edited July 14, 2014 by todreaminblue

[JustSomeGuyHere]

Thanks for the replies everyone. I think I have to agree with the people who are saying not to reach out. I really want to but don't know what it would accomplish if I did. I imagine it would just be more confusion. I really see only two possible responses from her: 1.) a vague reply that she misses me too, which then opens up all sorts of new questions and problems or 2) no reply.

 

I also feel like I'm no shape to be talking with her. I'm really having a hard time with everything and I doubt it would go well as a result. Also she dumped me. She made that decision and has stuck by it. She might have missed me when she sent that last text... but obviously not enough to reply to my text the next day. I have to remind myself, I did reach out to her last, after I told her we couldn't communicate anymore.

 

So I already put my neck out there and went back on my word and she left me hanging with no response.

 

The only reason I can think of to reach out, is just so she knows I'm not angry or mad about anything. But again, I don't really know what that would accomplish.

[mightycpa]

Well, at a minimum, I would be honest with her, and explain that it is better for you if she stops texting you completely. You've got to get that taken care of. It has to stop, for your sake.

 

Tell her you respect her decision, but she can't have it her way right now. Tell her that she is being cruel when she contacts you without the intent of getting back together. Tell her you need her help - she needs to stay away from you. If she's a decent person, she'll do it for you, and in the long run, it will be easier. Tell her once you don't think of her that way any more, you'll be happy to contact her again. And until then, to leave you alone.

 

You can do that by text. Good luck.

[elseaacych]

Thanks for the replies everyone. I think I have to agree with the people who are saying not to reach out. I really want to but don't know what it would accomplish if I did. I imagine it would just be more confusion. I really see only two possible responses from her: 1.) a vague reply that she misses me too, which then opens up all sorts of new questions and problems or 2) no reply.

 

I also feel like I'm no shape to be talking with her. I'm really having a hard time with everything and I doubt it would go well as a result. Also she dumped me. She made that decision and has stuck by it. She might have missed me when she sent that last text... but obviously not enough to reply to my text the next day. I have to remind myself, I did reach out to her last, after I told her we couldn't communicate anymore.

 

So I already put my neck out there and went back on my word and she left me hanging with no response.

 

The only reason I can think of to reach out, is just so she knows I'm not angry or mad about anything. But again, I don't really know what that would accomplish.

 

Good analysis. Because you responded back and she left you hanging, you have no reason to speak with her. Feelings don't really matter at this point unless they are strong enough to want to reconcile. Even so, it should be on her.

[Justaguy30]

You can let her know you miss her but she might not feel the same way. Or maybe she does miss you but has made a choice to just move on. Either way I wish you the best but once you have let her know once don't tell her again because she already knows. You will just look pathetic. I went down that path and it didn't do me any favors. Actually had I just chilled and left the situation alone we would likely be together.

[BC1980]

I don't mean to quarrel with you, but are you sure NC is for protecting yourself from pain? I don't think so.

 

I think maybe protecting yourself from cruelty of an ex who insists on being "friends", and to help you learn how to live life without the other. Definitely to give you sometime to focus on yourself, and maybe even reflect on how to be in a relationship, if you did some things wrong.

 

But the heartbroken shouldn't avoid pain - they need to embrace their pain. And if the heart refuses to listen to the dumper, then sometimes, what it takes is for them to hear it again until the heart does listen.

 

If I could go back, I'd ask my dumper to record a video on my phone where she'd speak my name, tell me she doesn't love me and that it will never work out, and that we are never getting back together. That would be painful, but it would have finished for me a lot quicker.

 

So, I'm going to respectfully disagree about what NC is for.

 

I said protecting yourself from MORE pain, additional and unecessary pain. Not all pain. It adds to your long term pain to keep contacting your ex. It won't alleviate any pain.

[JustSomeGuyHere]

Well, at a minimum, I would be honest with her, and explain that it is better for you if she stops texting you completely. You've got to get that taken care of. It has to stop, for your sake.

 

Tell her you respect her decision, but she can't have it her way right now. Tell her that she is being cruel when she contacts you without the intent of getting back together. Tell her you need her help - she needs to stay away from you. If she's a decent person, she'll do it for you, and in the long run, it will be easier. Tell her once you don't think of her that way any more, you'll be happy to contact her again. And until then, to leave you alone.

 

You can do that by text. Good luck.

 

Well at this point I doubt I will be hearing from her. Or it could be a while.

[smuggy95]

NC requires strength. sometimes people aren't brave enough to stick to NC

it's to protect you from being hurt, but also to end the relationship for both of you.

 

 

A game is leading people on, or letting yourself be led on to confusion.

 

 

NC is the opposite of a game, as it gives a clear cut message.

[JustSomeGuyHere]

NC requires strength. sometimes people aren't brave enough to stick to NC

it's to protect you from being hurt, but also to end the relationship for both of you.

 

 

A game is leading people on, or letting yourself be led on to confusion.

 

 

NC is the opposite of a game, as it gives a clear cut message.

 

Yeah I hear you. I already showed I wasn't strong enough to stick to the NC I insisted on when we broke up by replying to her last text.

 

It still feels like a game though. I really hate all this stuff. I just wish I could follow my emotions and express how I really felt. Instead, I have to keep things to myself and pretend like I don't care.

[BC1980]

Yeah I hear you. I already showed I wasn't strong enough to stick to the NC I insisted on when we broke up by replying to her last text.

 

It still feels like a game though. I really hate all this stuff. I just wish I could follow my emotions and express how I really felt. Instead, I have to keep things to myself and pretend like I don't care.

 

You don't have to pretend like you don't care. In fact, you shouldn't pretend, and you have a right to feel what you feel. The problem is that she is not the appropriate person to express any of these emotions to. Talk to anyone else but your ex. There is a thread on LS where you can post instead of calling your ex.

 

Everytime you break NC, you miss an important part of processing your emotions independent of your ex. You also stay in denial. Breaking NC, at it's core, is a way to delay having to fully grieve because you stay stuck each time you talk to her. There is no processing of why you feel the way you do, no attempt to put your emotions into something more constructive, no learning to live without running to your ex.

 

That explanation might be a bit deeper than you care for, but it helps to understand what is going on and why there are so many people running around still stuck on their exes. Under no circumstance should you engage on any emotional level with your ex right now. You are in no place to do that.

[BC1980]

Well at this point I doubt I will be hearing from her. Or it could be a while.

 

You'll probably hear from her in one form or another. People get curious and like to test how serious you are about sticking to NC.

[Zahara]

It still feels like a game though. I really hate all this stuff. I just wish I could follow my emotions and express how I really felt. Instead, I have to keep things to myself and pretend like I don't care.

 

You feel like it's a game because you're too concerned as to how NC is perceived by her. The other thing is that holding on to the notion that it feels like a game, provides with you with some deluded justification in your mind that maybe you should be doing the opposite, because the opposite helps you keep the tie with her. And you don't want to sever that tie with her. Severing it means the painful finality, and the daunting fear of not being a part of her life anymore. You're afraid to face that so you make excuses -- NC is a game. It's not a game if you utilize it for what it is intended to do.

 

NC is for your benefit -- prioritizing nothing else but your best effort to help you move on from her. That's the only way you should look at NC, that is if your first and foremost priority is to heal and move on.

[JustSomeGuyHere]

You don't have to pretend like you don't care. In fact, you shouldn't pretend, and you have a right to feel what you feel. The problem is that she is not the appropriate person to express any of these emotions to. Talk to anyone else but your ex. There is a thread on LS where you can post instead of calling your ex.

 

Everytime you break NC, you miss an important part of processing your emotions independent of your ex. You also stay in denial. Breaking NC, at it's core, is a way to delay having to fully grieve because you stay stuck each time you talk to her. There is no processing of why you feel the way you do, no attempt to put your emotions into something more constructive, no learning to live without running to your ex.

 

That explanation might be a bit deeper than you care for, but it helps to understand what is going on and why there are so many people running around still stuck on their exes. Under no circumstance should you engage on any emotional level with your ex right now. You are in no place to do that.

 

Thanks BC. You are absolutely right. I know all this stuff. It's just nice to hear it from someone else sometimes.

 

It was actually healing to hear from some posters saying that it was OK to contact her. I think I felt trapped by the concept that "I can't contact her" and that everybody else (both IRL, books, other posts, etc) all say go NC.

 

After some people said go for it, I just realized how bad of an idea it is. Not saying it's easier or that I'm not struggling with the concept. But hearing it's OK and not doing it has helped.

[JustSomeGuyHere]

You'll probably hear from her in one form or another. People get curious and like to test how serious you are about sticking to NC.

 

That's true. I have such mixed feelings. It's both the thing I most and least want more than anything. However, at this point I highly doubt she'll contact me for a while.

 

Either way, I imagine at some point we'll reconnect. Even if it is years down the road.