Stepfather invading my privacy

[Massyd39]

My mother met him 3 years ago and they recently got engaged by April.

Anyway I got into a fight with him because just as I was trying to go to a girls hang out, he wouldn't give me my purse and said he hid my car keys. When he asked where I was going, I replied ''It's none of your ****ing business, give me my purse and my car keys''.

 

In my purse, he found a couple of pack of cigars and a couple personal messages on my cell but still, it was none of his business (I don't even smoke every single day and what I write on my cell is my life). This got me upset. I just turned 18 this month anyways, not a minor anymore.

 

I guess I got upset then, went on to smack him on the shoulder several times. I was pissed off, called him every single bad name I can think about and continue hitting him a couple more times (think I scratched him at some point too with my nails on his arm). He then shoved me and I tripped. Now he pretty much now wants to tell my mother everything.

 

Was this any of his business anyways? I don't think I even own him any explanation of my hang out with my friends. I think I was right to get upset. He had no rights trying to rule over me. He's not my father.

[CarrieT]

Do you live under their roof?

 

Regardless of your age, you may still have to adhere to their rules.

 

I don't condone snooping through your things, but just being 18 doesn't give you free reign if you rely on them for rent or food or existence.

[Massyd39]

True, I still live under their roof (my mother's since it's under name, he moved in way before their engagement) but will be planning to move out at some point.

I'm just so mad he felt the need to snoop through my stuff.

[Ronni_W]

No, he's not your father. But why do you think that fact gives you the right to be rude and violent-abusive towards him?

 

I don't get why he withheld your car keys and purse, and snooped through your cell records...but your over-reaction is still something for you as an adult to think about. (Where is the rage, hostility coming from? Is it being misdirected? Stuff like that.)

 

I would try to have an adult, civilized conversation with him...and with your mom. Ask: is he concerned about you and if so why...what is he seeing in your attitude, behaviour that may be cause for alarm? What does he see is his role in your life, responsibility to you as your mom's husband? Does that match with what you want, need, expect, deserve? What are your mom's thoughts and expectations?

 

You're going to be a family. You're growing up. New relationship dynamics are coming into place. Adults would figure it out...or at least try to. Act adult.

[Massyd39]

This rage came from getting fed up of him trying to act like he's my father, such as wanting to know my whereabouts if I'm going out with friends, getting told by him I should call if I'm going to be returning late or getting once corrected by him for rolling my eyes on a boring topic my mother was explaining.

 

I guess I just got fed up with it and blew up.

[WhiskeyJack]

Honestly you kind of sound like a brat. It doesn't matter if you want him to act like your father or not, your mother is marrying him and he will become your stepdad. And believe it or not parents generally look out for their kids, blood or step. I don't agree with his choice to search through your things, but look at your reaction. You hit him, repeatedly!! For someone who just turned 18 and wants to treated as an adult your sure not displaying the maturity at all. Show some respect for your elders.

[CarrieT]

I called him every single bad name I can think about and continue hitting him a couple more times (think I scratched him at some point too with my nails on his arm).

Yeah - this does not sound like an 18-year old, but an 8-year old.

 

Respect begets respect.

[Massyd39]

I know it was wrong to hit him but he was literally getting on my nerves. Has anyone not ever felt like this before?

He's now telling her everything.

 

Coming back tomorrow to update this. I assume I'm going to probably be made to apologize him and now I have a long explanation to give for the cigars.

[Ronni_W]

This rage came from getting fed up of him trying to act like

Massyd39,

What if the reason he wants to know your whereabouts...which includes when you'll be late getting home...is because he cares about you and feels protective and is trying his best to keep you safe from all the harm and damage and shyte that can happen to you in the real world???

 

I lost my dad when I was 13...and my step-dad...was NOT protective...he was the opposite.

 

Have an ADULT attitude and conversation with him. As a free person you get to roll your eyes and have cigars if you choose.

But you may be raging at some random person whose worst crime is just caring about you.

[CarrieT]

I know it was wrong to hit him but he was literally getting on my nerves. Has anyone not ever felt like this before?

Of course. But one should know not to act inappropriately as you did. Physical violence is never acceptable.

[todreaminblue]

I know it was wrong to hit him but he was literally getting on my nerves. Has anyone not ever felt like this before?

He's now telling her everything.

 

Coming back tomorrow to update this. I assume I'm going to probably be made to apologize him and now I have a long explanation to give for the cigars.

 

 

i had a step dad who resented me but i lived under his roof his rules and i showed him respect never hit him not once in my whole life have i hit either of my parents.....sounds like he cares for you maybe he shouldnt have looked through your things but maybe you should show him some respect for caring about you in the first place...my step dad and i had a disagreement when i was a teen he was strict ....i had masses fo chores and no free time idle hands and all that my step father was aperfectionist and the son fo a soldier so my day started at six in the morning....ended with homework at night then lights out by nine........and i was given a choice leave or stay so i left........with nothing but the clothes on my back...and i was not allowed to come home after that only to visit not to stay one night...i was on my own..but.....my step father gave me a backbone of steel to take it all..when i got accepted into teh navy he came and got me and took em to the interview ....supported me....he has doen many things...he bought me my first beat box and a book fo msytery stroies for girls....loved him and feared him all at once.........be grateful your step dad cares...some step dads beat the living hell out of step kids....and yeah i was one....still repect some of his ways though...because they taught me something......i am a survivor...and i can do a lot of things i wouldnt be able to if it werent it for his hardness and his set ways with me..he also supporte4d me ...made sure i had good shoes and clothes ......he took me on awesoem holidays....these are times i remember for the rest of my life ill remember whether or not he talks to me...i think of him....i do understadn why and wherefors of his ways with me...not all of it was bad....he cared......deb

Edited July 14, 2014 by todreaminblue

[Editbee]

Sounds like you're attacking the man that cares about you. Not too many stepdads are kind.

 

OP do you realize he could have easily knock you down with a single punch or slap you hard but he didn't? Even when you hit him repeatedly (some men out there would react violently after that and overdo it, not realizing their strength), he didn't want to hurt you and only push you off him. Great self-restrain.

 

From what I'm reading, he seems like a good guy.

[salparadise]

Step parents are not parents. Your mother should be doing the parenting while he stays in the background and tries to be supportive without interfering. He should not be snooping through your purse or phone, or hiding your keys. Hell, he's not even married to her––not that being married would give him the right to dictate and control either. It's your mother's job to define the boundaries since he obviously doesn't have a clue. I hope she's up to it.

 

But your reaction was way over the top too. It's never ok to hit or call names or throw fits. This situation is headed for disaster. You escalated it with the childish behavior. You all need to get into counseling (unless your mother is capable of sorting it out) to learn how to make this work and establish appropriate ground rules. In the meantime, you'll be far better off if you behave like an adult, and learn to use your words.

[Keenly]

I would have done the same thing. I'll be damned if some ******* thinks he can tell me, a legal adult, what to do just because he married my mother.

 

 

Step parents only inheiret a minor form of authority when they marry into a family of kids. She's 18. What he did was completely out of line.

 

 

The " its their roof " crap is such a cowardly argument that people only say when they think they have ultimate power over you and have no way to justify their actions so they shout that out like it gives them control over your every action.

 

 

Step parents are so terrible these days, always overstepping their bounds and then wondering why their step children hate them.

[ASG]

I would have done the same thing. I'll be damned if some ******* thinks he can tell me, a legal adult, what to do just because he married my mother.

 

 

Step parents only inheiret a minor form of authority when they marry into a family of kids. She's 18. What he did was completely out of line.

 

 

The " its their roof " crap is such a cowardly argument that people only say when they think they have ultimate power over you and have no way to justify their actions so they shout that out like it gives them control over your every action.

 

 

Step parents are so terrible these days, always overstepping their bounds and then wondering why their step children hate them.

 

You would have hit and name called a step parent?? Really?

 

I agree that he should NOT have withheld the purse and keys or snooped. It is NOT his place, at all. But that does not excuse her behavior!

 

Since when is violence acceptable?? Being annoyed and even angry, yeah, I get that. But becoming violent???? No. Never acceptable.

[Emilia]

Agree with Salparadise. He is your mother's boyfriend, they only met 3 years ago. He isn't your stepfather, he didn't bring you up. I can see why his interfering would annoy you.

 

However, the argument got way out of hand.

[d0nnivain]

He was out of line for snooping & holding you hostage but you were more out of line hitting him. Violence is never the answer. What do you think would have happened if he hot you back in self defense?

 

Where was your mother in all of this?

 

Why don't you believe that his Qs about where you were going were asking out of paternalistic concern? You are clearly immature as demonstrated by your extreme overreaction to this situation so it probably is best that someone know where you are going so that at the very least they can identify the body when you make a monumentally dangerous decision.

[SammySammy]

Move out. Problem solved.

 

If you want to act like an adult and be treated like an adult, then do what an adult does. Provide your own housing, food, clothing and transportation. Then you won't have to worry about him snooping or telling you what to do.

 

But, you can't have it both ways. Be respectful or GTFO.

[StumpyNB]

I know it was wrong to hit him but he was literally getting on my nerves. Has anyone not ever felt like this before?

He's now telling her everything.

 

Coming back tomorrow to update this. I assume I'm going to probably be made to apologize him and now I have a long explanation to give for the cigars.

 

So is it okay for him to hit you if you get on his nerves????

[SmartDude]

You are not alone in your struggle. 18-24 year olds have it rough these days. It is because of the economy. Your parents generation had more chances for financial independence than you do. Don't let them guilt trip you, saying you are not an adult if you don't have your own place.

 

Maybe you are the one who will need to gather your step dad and mother for a talk. Remember when they used to do that to you as a teen? Now its time to turn the tables. You sit them down for a talk and discuss what you believe is unacceptable. You tell them that if they want a good relationship with you in the future, they are going to have to let go of you as a little girl and get used to the fact that you are now a young woman.

 

Be gentle, Your parents might freak out because they are not used to having their authority challenged. It is new and scary for them. They might even try to squash you down again. Keep your cool, if you freak out and get angry, they win.

[TAV]

Why does he feel telling your mom will give him the upper hand? You grew up with your mom most likely so I'd expect you and her to have a strong bond, something this 'stranger' will not be able to interfere in. Is your relationship with your mom troubled? Is that why he acted that way or thought he could get away with acting that way?

 

I agree that scratching and hitting is not the answer but I also wonder why he was not the wise one and removed himself from the situation till you calmed down.

 

I'm hoping that my bf will be the future stepfather of my children but I'd not stand for him treating one of my kids like that unless you were about to take off with a criminal boyfriend or go on a drug bender or something.

 

I think we are missing a backstory here.

[WhiskeyJack]

Step parents are not parents.

 

This irks me beyond all belief. What a completely insensitive thing to say. My parents are divorced and so as a result I have FOUR PARENTS that I love dearly and they love me as well.

 

I know some step parents are ****ty, but a lot are actually wonderful.

They are called step PARENTS for a reason.

[TXGuy]

... and now I have a long explanation to give for the cigars.

 

Both he and your mom know the cigars are for making blunts, but they will accept whatever explanation you give them. Because the bigger issue is you hitting.

[TXGuy]

Why does he feel telling your mom will give him the upper hand? You grew up with your mom most likely so I'd expect you and her to have a strong bond, something this 'stranger' will not be able to interfere in. Is your relationship with your mom troubled? Is that why he acted that way or thought he could get away with acting that way?

 

I agree that scratching and hitting is not the answer but I also wonder why he was not the wise one and removed himself from the situation till you calmed down.

 

I'm hoping that my bf will be the future stepfather of my children but I'd not stand for him treating one of my kids like that unless you were about to take off with a criminal boyfriend or go on a drug bender or something.

 

I think we are missing a backstory here.

 

Not to sidetrack too far, but be sure to let your bf know before the marriage that he will have all of the responsibility for your kids but none of the authority.

 

Back to OP...I think it is important that step dad disclose/report this to bio mom. They need to work together parenting daughter. I would hope bio mom would back up step dad (come to think of it, it might be stepdad to be) that daughter cannot get away with "I don't have to listen to you, you are not my dad." As a guy if my fiancée did not back me up on that, there would not be a wedding. (This is setting aside for now that step fiancée might have overstepped a bit).

[TAV]

Not to sidetrack too far, but be sure to let your bf know before the marriage that he will have all of the responsibility for your kids but none of the authority.

 

Back to OP...I think it is important that step dad disclose/report this to bio mom. They need to work together parenting daughter. I would hope bio mom would back up step dad (come to think of it, it might be stepdad to be) that daughter cannot get away with "I don't have to listen to you, you are not my dad." As a guy if my fiancée did not back me up on that, there would not be a wedding. (This is setting aside for now that step fiancée might have overstepped a bit).

 

Thanks for that bit of advice. I will make sure to pass it on.

 

Authority is not taking away someone's personal belongings and invading their privacy. It actually shows you lost control/authority some time before that. My bf is a parent himself and he would not treat his own nor my kids like that without a very good reason for it.

 

She is not 5 yrs old, she is 18. Maybe stepdad does not have a clue that parenting at that age is a lot different.