beach Posted July 14, 2014 Share Posted July 14, 2014 Your Mom should know. You live in her home. You are responsible for how you participate = always. Violence never resolves the issues. He could have you placed in jail. Sure - he didn't need to do what he did - but you could have handled it much better. Since you wish to do what you want without being accountable to others - you should move out - like today! That's what a grown person does whether intend to do things their way. Work hard and support yourself since you want your independence. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FitChick Posted July 14, 2014 Share Posted July 14, 2014 This is the main reason second marriages don't last -- bratty kids. Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted July 14, 2014 Share Posted July 14, 2014 Massyd39, how old were you when he came into your life? How long have you known him for? Has he tried to "father" you before? Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted July 14, 2014 Share Posted July 14, 2014 (edited) If he's trying to take care of you in the way a father might, like making sure you are safe when you go out, and so on, I don't think you should abuse him. But, I do think he should not have gone through your things. That is invasive. I would not have done that with my kids, unless I had some serious reason to think they were at risk. I honestly can't think of a reason why I'd go through their things without asking them about them first if something concerned me. It sounds like you both lost your cool. Why not try to treat him better and assume he wants to protect you and see if he reciprocates. If he keeps invading your stuff though, speak to your mother. I think if there are to be any family discussions, it would be best if you were all together rather than you having to deal with him alone and your mother not knowing what goes on between you. Edited July 14, 2014 by spiderowl 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Massyd39 Posted July 14, 2014 Author Share Posted July 14, 2014 Ok, I'm back. As for the update yes as expected I had to explain since when I started smoking, which wasn't so long ago. The only good part is my mother at least agreeing with me that it was wrong for him to go through my stuff and I have my car keys back. I'm still planning to move out sometime this year but for now, will just have to be cordial to him. Somedude, the first time my mother started seeing him I was a couple months shy of turning 15. He moved in when they've been dating for like 6 months. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Massyd39 Posted July 14, 2014 Author Share Posted July 14, 2014 He was out of line for snooping & holding you hostage but you were more out of line hitting him. Violence is never the answer. What do you think would have happened if he hot you back in self defense?Techinically he started it by not letting me leave and hiding my car keys. If he would have just minded his business, none of this would have happened. Will now just try to get along with him for the meantime. Where was your mother in all of this? She was doing some errands. Why don't you believe that his Qs about where you were going were asking out of paternalistic concern? You are clearly immature as demonstrated by your extreme overreaction to this situation so it probably is best that someone know where you are going so that at the very least they can identify the body when you make a monumentally dangerous decision.Ok but I truly don't need his Qs. I'm old enough to choose who my friends are, who I'm dating and where to hang out. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted July 14, 2014 Share Posted July 14, 2014 It's too bad that your Mom isn't seeing that you handled this with violence. She agreed with you? She thought it was fine to hit and scratch another person? Did she think it was ok the way you're hiding things from her and that you weren't being honest? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Massyd39 Posted July 14, 2014 Author Share Posted July 14, 2014 Work hard and support yourself since you want your independence.This is what I've been planning. Will be moving out later on this year. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted July 14, 2014 Share Posted July 14, 2014 And since you're old enough to make your own choices (choices that need secrecy) then as a parent I'd say you're also old enough to move today. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Massyd39 Posted July 14, 2014 Author Share Posted July 14, 2014 It's too bad that your Mom isn't seeing that you handled this with violence. She agreed with you? She thought it was fine to hit and scratch another person? Did she think it was ok the way you're hiding things from her and that you weren't being honest?She only agreed on the part that it wasn't right for him to snoop through my stuff, not the hitting nor smoking part. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted July 14, 2014 Share Posted July 14, 2014 She only agreed on the part that it wasn't right for him to snoop through my stuff, not the hitting nor smoking part. You see - people don't learn very easily what they did wrong when there are no consequences. He could have had you arrested. I'm serious. You could be out on the street today. Don't you think you would clearly understand that you participated in a violent way and your actions could have severe consequences? When you're 18 and you do these things = you go straight to jail. I hope you understand that your behavior was unreasonable. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted July 15, 2014 Share Posted July 15, 2014 Ok, I'm back. As for the update yes as expected I had to explain since when I started smoking, which wasn't so long ago. The only good part is my mother at least agreeing with me that it was wrong for him to go through my stuff and I have my car keys back. I'm still planning to move out sometime this year but for now, will just have to be cordial to him. Somedude, the first time my mother started seeing him I was a couple months shy of turning 15. He moved in when they've been dating for like 6 months. Hmm, so he moved in when you were 15. That's still kind of young, but you weren't a kid either. I can understand why you would feel that he isn't your father and does not have any rights over you. Yes, I do think the best you can do is to be cordial though also explain to him and your mom that feel he went out of line. And you did as well. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TXGuy Posted July 15, 2014 Share Posted July 15, 2014 Thanks for coming back and giving an update. I didn't think we would have heard back from you. Good for you. It sounds like you have a decent plan with looking to go out on your own soon. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Raena Posted July 15, 2014 Share Posted July 15, 2014 I was in your exact situation, only slightly older so I understand your feelings towards him... he's not your dad, blah, blah, blah. I too was a smarmy young girl who thought that just because I was 18 that I could do whatever I pleased. You know what I did when he ran his mouth at me and expected me to follow HIS rules? I moved out that day and didn't come back. I'm much older now and I realize NOW that what he did, he did out of love for me. I treat him now like I would treat my own father. Respectfully. But it took a long time to get there. The only problem getting there was ME. I was too much of a know it all smart ass to see that he was there for me and wasn't trying to run my life... just give me guidance. You should do the same. I see you said later this year you are planning to move out. You may want to see if you can push that timeline up a bit. I don't know if you are like me but I liked my independence. I craved it and couldn't wait to get out on my own. It may be better for you in the long run if that's what you do just to save your relationship with your mother and your future step-father. If he's a stand up guy, he's going to be there for you for the rest of your life. You'd do well to forge a positive relationship with him. Don't wait like I did and hold on to that negative attitude that he's not your father. He's marrying your mother and if he loves her he's going to love you too if you let him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 15, 2014 Share Posted July 15, 2014 This rage came from getting fed up of him trying to act like he's my father, such as wanting to know my whereabouts if I'm going out with friends, getting told by him I should call if I'm going to be returning late or getting once corrected by him for rolling my eyes on a boring topic my mother was explaining. I guess I just got fed up with it and blew up. Talk to your mom. This guy needs to back off and realize that he is not your dad, not your parent either. He is mom's husband and possibly as time goes on he'll be a friend or maybe many years from now you'll embrace him as a father figure - But ONLY if he stops treating you like you're 12. He had no right to go through your personal belongings. And to swear at you, that's not maturity nor nice to do. You were wrong to smack him/scratch him. Next time walk away, not worth engaging in a fight. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 15, 2014 Share Posted July 15, 2014 Ok, I'm back. As for the update yes as expected I had to explain since when I started smoking, which wasn't so long ago. The only good part is my mother at least agreeing with me that it was wrong for him to go through my stuff and I have my car keys back. I'm still planning to move out sometime this year but for now, will just have to be cordial to him. Somedude, the first time my mother started seeing him I was a couple months shy of turning 15. He moved in when they've been dating for like 6 months. Glad you spoke to your mom and she has your back on this. Yup, be kind and respectful towards him, it'll make your life easier. You don't have to confide in him at all, he hasn't earned your trust anyway. He moved in quickly. How long was it just you and your mom before he started dating her? during those 3 years has he been nice to you, try to get to know you, spend time with you, laugh with you etc? Or is he serious and stern with you and pulls the dad act too often? Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted July 15, 2014 Share Posted July 15, 2014 This irks me beyond all belief. What a completely insensitive thing to say. Pffffffft. She's 18, and he's a live-in boyfriend. He's neither her parent nor stepparent. It's both unfortunate and downright laughable that he would try to assert his authority over her as if he were the actual father of a misbehaved adolescent. Even the actual parents have to start treating 18 year olds as adults if they expect them to ever behave as adults. The only thing that's healthy about this situation is that she's planning to get the hell out soon. (not excusing her reaction, no matter how inappropriate his actions were) 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted July 15, 2014 Share Posted July 15, 2014 You live in THEIR house (and it's theirs...your mother has apparently signed him on as her partner)...you abide by THEIR rules. You don't like it...move out. It's just that damn simple. Oh...and something that I don't think has been addressed yet. As an "adult" ( ), be glad that your step dad didn't call the police and file an assault charge against you. BTW...are you really trying to convince your mother and step dad that the cigars are there for their tobacco content??? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted July 15, 2014 Share Posted July 15, 2014 This irks me beyond all belief. What a completely insensitive thing to say. My parents are divorced and so as a result I have FOUR PARENTS that I love dearly and they love me as well. I know some step parents are ****ty, but a lot are actually wonderful. They are called step PARENTS for a reason. Can't see the necessity for this emotional response. The argument isn't that step parents are bad. The argument is that this guy has only been around for 3 years, he isn't even married to the mother. The OP is 18! That's an adult in many countries. You can't just barge into someone's life because you are the mother's boyfriend for a little while (barely an LTR by anyone's standards). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted July 15, 2014 Share Posted July 15, 2014 Can't see the necessity for this emotional response. The argument isn't that step parents are bad. The argument is that this guy has only been around for 3 years, he isn't even married to the mother. The OP is 18! That's an adult in many countries. You can't just barge into someone's life because you are the mother's boyfriend for a little while (barely an LTR by anyone's standards). He didn't barge. He was invited in by his girlfriend. If he's overstepped his bounds...it's up to his girlfriend (OP's mom) to straighten that out. The other thing no one is taking into account...she's apparently breaking a number of likely 'house rules' by having those cigars in her purse to begin with. He apparently had some reason to search...and found something she wasn't supposed to have. Then she physically assaulted him. Who's really at fault here? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
UpwardForward Posted July 15, 2014 Share Posted July 15, 2014 You live in THEIR house (and it's theirs...your mother has apparently signed him on as her partner)...you abide by THEIR rules. You don't like it...move out. It's just that damn simple. Oh...and something that I don't think has been addressed yet. As an "adult" ( ), be glad that your step dad didn't call the police and file an assault charge against you. BTW...are you really trying to convince your mother and step dad that the cigars are there for their tobacco content??? You sure give livin boyfriend/fiances a lot of credit & rights. He is not the OP's step father. And it's her mother's house. Imo, he is the intruder - who wishes to be a controller. Perhaps even take over the daughter. I'm with you OP. Do what you can to move out from a bad situation. Link to post Share on other sites
littleplanet Posted July 15, 2014 Share Posted July 15, 2014 Adult behavior requires adult sensibility.....on both sides. OP - the step showed up when you were 15? That's three good years to establish a respectful relationship. He has always been the adult in the picture. You're the one who is on your way there. So where was his ability to gain your trust and respect? The idea that this comes without any work and an automatic given - is the typical attitude of an adult-centric world. Adults are the ones blessed with the abilities and knowhow to be able to avoid major confrontations over minor issues. Is he patriarchal? Overbearing? Over-familiar? (We already know he's a snoop.) Just because your mom thinks he's the cat's pajamas does not automatically get him into your good books and respectful esteem. The "dad"part needs to be earned. And whatever he's done over the past three years, he obviously hasn't earned it. Some people just don't know how to parent very well. Especially when the biological part is missing, and they haven't been there from the get-go. When I was very young, (20's) I 'step-parented' for a bit. General rule of thumb was to go easy, take some time, establish some mutual trust and respect, and give the natural responses time to kick in. Bottom line: he is confrontational in a way that you don't accept or respect. He should consider his own boundaries.....instead of 'acting' out what he has not established. Make sure you hang on to a good relationship with your mom, at least. Ironically - where I live, 18 is one year too young to legally smoke. But personally, there are about a thousand other issues I'd place far above that. But if I were the dude, any attempt at disciplinary behavior, I wouldn't touch with a ten-foot pole without complete accordance first with the natural parent. That's just common sense. (How adult, um?) Good luck with this from now until you've flown the coop. And to all those mentioning lawyer-friendly profit-motivated opportunities and rampant criminalization of the domestic body-politic.......sure. A domestic dust-up? Charges laid as if the persons involved were complete utter strangers? Says a lot, doesn't it? A real dad - would have infinitely more pride of place, than that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 15, 2014 Share Posted July 15, 2014 Techinically he started it by not letting me leave and hiding my car keys. If he would have just minded his business, none of this would have happened. Will now just try to get along with him for the meantime. Ok but I truly don't need his Qs. I'm old enough to choose who my friends are, who I'm dating and where to hang out. It doesn't matter who started it. You don't end with violence. You are old enough to make decisions but you seem to refuse to consider that possibility that he was asking out of concern. He wants you to be safe. He also may want to try to get to know you better. On that score he went about it the wrong way but you stamping your feet & acting childish screaming that you don't have to tell him anything inflamed the situation. Do you understand that? Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted July 15, 2014 Share Posted July 15, 2014 You sure give livin boyfriend/fiances a lot of credit & rights. He is not the OP's step father. And it's her mother's house. Imo, he is the intruder - who wishes to be a controller. Perhaps even take over the daughter. I'm with you OP. Do what you can to move out from a bad situation. No...he's the ADULT, who was invited in by her mother. She was a minor/teen when he came into her life...again by invite of the mother. As an adult in the home...and partner to her mother...he's an authority figure in the home, whether the OP (or you) like it or not. He's a rule-maker/setter/enforcer...unless her mother has refused to grant him that status. I have 3 adult 'children' living in my home right now. They're all in their mid-upper 20s. They abide by the house rules...or they find their own place to live. Whether or not they think those rules are fair. OP faces the same choice...whether she likes it or not. Welcome to adult choices and adult consequences! Link to post Share on other sites
UpwardForward Posted July 15, 2014 Share Posted July 15, 2014 No...he's the ADULT, who was invited in by her mother. She was a minor/teen when he came into her life...again by invite of the mother. As an adult in the home...and partner to her mother...he's an authority figure in the home, whether the OP (or you) like it or not. He's a rule-maker/setter/enforcer...unless her mother has refused to grant him that status. I have 3 adult 'children' living in my home right now. They're all in their mid-upper 20s. They abide by the house rules...or they find their own place to live. Whether or not they think those rules are fair. OP faces the same choice...whether she likes it or not. Welcome to adult choices and adult consequences! OP is now an adult, as well. 'House rules' as in cigars in her purse? And this outsider wants to go through her purse?? And his age doesn't earn him more respect in his fiance's owned home, than OP. OP, if your mother doesn't see your side in the privacy for an 18 yr old, then she is a desperate woman. You say OP is fortunate he didn't call the police? If I were law enforcement, I'd put the boyfriend in the slammer for being presumptuous. Link to post Share on other sites
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