Stepfather invading my privacy

[Owl]

Yes, I was expected to still follow rules (for instance, he would put a curfew if I had to go out with friends or on a date) even when she had to do some errands. Well I was still a minor then. When he first moved in, she would tell me how I should be respectful to him as he's going to be part of the family.

 

She views him as both the man she wants to spend the rest of her life with and part of the family.

 

I guess I just thought by now things would be different since I'm 18 but nope, it's the same.

 

Thanks Massey...this clears a lot up.

 

I suspect most of you either missed, or misunderstood, this post.

 

Here's the thing...just because OP had a birthday, it doesn't suddenly/automatically change how things HAVE BEEN WORKING FOR THE LAST THREE YEARS.

 

He's been operating in capacity as 'step dad' for that time...it doesn't suddenly disappear with a birthday.

 

Even if it WAS her 18th birthday...that didn't magically transform her into a different person overnight.

 

The 'step' part doesn't actually change the scenario...even the OP now noted that the 'step' part was irrelevent...what changed was her own beliefs/expectations on how she should have been changed because she had a birthday.

 

He treated her as she's been treated, by pre-established rules and expectations in the house.

 

She didn't like it because she felt it should have changed because she was 18.

 

The rules, nor her status, were re-negotiated jointly at any point based on that birthday that I've seen her mention.

 

The fact that he's her "step dad" or "pending step dad" is irrelevent, and has nothing to do with whether how she was treated was right or wrong.

 

She knew the rules...she rebelled against them...she was called out on it...she fought back against them...and that's where it's at.

[BlueIris]

 

House should pass to OP. Why do people think if they find a woman (or man) who has property, they can move in and take over - and run over the kids.

 

 

What? Says who? Not the laws where I live.

 

Now, MAYBE I can see a child thinking he or she should inherit IF that child gives up his freedom and autonomy as an adult to care for their parent the rest of their lives (like the step-parent is doing). But being born and being provided for doesn't entitle anyone to anything.

 

No. Kids who think mom and/or dad owe them, or that they (the kids) are more important than their parents and their parent's spouses are entitled and spoiled and overestimate their importance in the world.

 

Kids are not in charge. Those kids who think they are equals in a household, or superiors, are in for a lot of disappointment. And parents who raise their kids to believe this are doing their children a disservice.

[Keenly]

One thing I'll never understand about controlling / authoritarian style of parenting past the age of 18 is that parents don't raise children. They raise adults. A child can not learn how to be an adult if they are always treated like a child.

 

 

When your kid is 18, you have already done everything that can be done to raise an adult. You either succeeded, or you failed as a parent. Continuing to treat your adult offspring like a child well into their adulthood teaches them nothing. Which is why I've always viewed the " my house , my rules " argument as the ultimate cowards tool of control.

 

 

 

When I was 16 the parenting style of my mother changed from treating me like a kid to treating me like an adult. I was able to make my own choices and learn how to live life. The primary goal of a parent / mentor is to render themselves obsolete.

 

Of course, my douchebag step father attempted to undermine this learning process every step of the way, but he failed, just like he did at his two marriages as well as raising ( or not raising ) his own two kids.

 

 

Point is how do you expect people to learn to be adults if you are always treating them like. Children.

[Owl]

One thing I'll never understand about controlling / authoritarian style of parenting past the age of 18 is that parents don't raise children. They raise adults. A child can not learn how to be an adult if they are always treated like a child.

 

 

When your kid is 18, you have already done everything that can be done to raise an adult. You either succeeded, or you failed as a parent. Continuing to treat your adult offspring like a child well into their adulthood teaches them nothing. Which is why I've always viewed the " my house , my rules " argument as the ultimate cowards tool of control.

 

 

 

When I was 16 the parenting style of my mother changed from treating me like a kid to treating me like an adult. I was able to make my own choices and learn how to live life. The primary goal of a parent / mentor is to render themselves obsolete.

 

Of course, my douchebag step father attempted to undermine this learning process every step of the way, but he failed, just like he did at his two marriages as well as raising ( or not raising ) his own two kids.

 

 

Point is how do you expect people to learn to be adults if you are always treating them like. Children.

 

You're thinking that an 18 year old IS an adult.

 

If this were true, they'd be allowed to drink legally, they'd be able to make other decisions legally as well, such as a choice to participate in "those" kinds of films.

 

Even our legal system doesn't recognize an 18 year old as a "full fledged adult".

 

Hopefully they're well on their way at 18 to BECOMING a fully functional part of society.

 

Odds are...they're not there yet already, unless they're a really special human being.

 

On the "my house, my rules" being a coward's solution...hogwash. That fully functional adult you're referring to should therefore be fully self-sustaining...and so should have no problem with moving out on their own and therefore having their own rules.

 

How many kids have you raised to adulthood?

[UpwardForward]

Thanks Massey...this clears a lot up.

 

I suspect most of you either missed, or misunderstood, this post.

 

Here's the thing...just because OP had a birthday, it doesn't suddenly/automatically change how things HAVE BEEN WORKING FOR THE LAST THREE YEARS.

 

He's been operating in capacity as 'step dad' for that time...it doesn't suddenly disappear with a birthday.

 

Even if it WAS her 18th birthday...that didn't magically transform her into a different person overnight.

 

The 'step' part doesn't actually change the scenario...even the OP now noted that the 'step' part was irrelevent...what changed was her own beliefs/expectations on how she should have been changed because she had a birthday.

 

He treated her as she's been treated, by pre-established rules and expectations in the house.

 

She didn't like it because she felt it should have changed because she was 18.

 

The rules, nor her status, were re-negotiated jointly at any point based on that birthday that I've seen her mention.

 

The fact that he's her "step dad" or "pending step dad" is irrelevent, and has nothing to do with whether how she was treated was right or wrong.

 

She knew the rules...she rebelled against them...she was called out on it...she fought back against them...and that's where it's at.

 

'rules' 'rebelled'.. Sounds like the Army.

 

The mother was out of line, having a live-in into the house and to take over as 'step dad'.

 

Desperate, weak women (w live-ins) produce adolescent or young adults who act out - as OP seems to be doing with her social life.

 

Another reason for not remarrying until children are grown (as a psychologist recommends), is so these young adults have opportunity to Run.

[Owl]

'rules' 'rebelled'.. Sounds like the Army.

 

The mother was out of line, having a live-in into the house and to take over as 'step dad'.

 

Desperate, weak women (w live-ins) produce adolescent or young adults who act out - as OP seems to be doing with her social life.

 

Another reason for not remarrying until children are grown (as a psychologist recommends), is so these young adults have opportunity to Run.

 

OK...so clearly this is all her mother's fault, and the OP has no responsibility for her actions. Mom should never have another relationship with another man if her first relationship ended prematurely...she should have resolved herself to celibacy and no adult companionship until her children (of whatever age) reached adulthood.

 

REALLY???

 

Good grief.

[Owl]

I wanted to add...I agree with treating ADULTS like ADULTS. And, in giving children responsibility and the chance to ACT LIKE AN ADULT.

 

OP clearly did NOT act like an adult when she violated her parent's trust by having cigars in her purse and (theoretically) smoking them, by not letting them know where she was going when asked, and then by attacking her step father physically in anger because of all of this.

 

That demonstrates she wasn't ready to act like an adult...if she were to have been treated like an adult in this circurmstance, her step father should have filed charges against her for assault and battery.

 

Don't think she would be ready for that, either.

[beach]

I wanted to add...I agree with treating ADULTS like ADULTS. And, in giving children responsibility and the chance to ACT LIKE AN ADULT.

 

OP clearly did NOT act like an adult when she violated her parent's trust by having cigars in her purse and (theoretically) smoking them, by not letting them know where she was going when asked, and then by attacking her step father physically in anger because of all of this.

 

That demonstrates she wasn't ready to act like an adult...if she were to have been treated like an adult in this circurmstance, her step father should have filed charges against her for assault and battery.

 

Don't think she would be ready for that, either.

 

Yep, this would hold the OP accountable for her actions (to which she is responsible). It also would have imposed a consequence if Mom and BF would have pressed charges.

 

A lesson would have been learned, hopefully.

 

But now no consequence for bad behavior tends to have the OP believing that she did nothing wrong and very well may just act that way again.

 

 

Mom dropped the ball. Mom didn't take action to do what was right. Someone hits and scratches me? I'm calling the cops immediately.

 

A person should never strike another human being.

[UpwardForward]

I wanted to add...I agree with treating ADULTS like ADULTS. And, in giving children responsibility and the chance to ACT LIKE AN ADULT.

 

OP clearly did NOT act like an adult when she violated her parent's trust by having cigars in her purse and (theoretically) smoking them, by not letting them know where she was going when asked, and then by attacking her step father physically in anger because of all of this.

 

That demonstrates she wasn't ready to act like an adult...if she were to have been treated like an adult in this circurmstance, her step father should have filed charges against her for assault and battery.

 

Don't think she would be ready for that, either.

 

There is only one Parent here. And in her desperation and weakness she dropped the ball with having the boy friend give orders to her daughter.

 

OP is most likely acting out because her Mother is lacking in strength and in taking responsibility.

[Owl]

There is only one Parent here. And in her desperation and weakness she dropped the ball with having the boy friend give orders to her daughter.

 

OP is most likely acting out because her Mother is lacking in strength and in taking responsibility.

 

And here is where we will have to agree to disagree.

 

I simply don't get your logic here...whatsoever.

 

But...the beauty of this is...we don't have to agree.

[pink_sugar]

You're thinking that an 18 year old IS an adult.

 

If this were true, they'd be allowed to drink legally, they'd be able to make other decisions legally as well, such as a choice to participate in "those" kinds of films.

 

Even our legal system doesn't recognize an 18 year old as a "full fledged adult".

 

Hopefully they're well on their way at 18 to BECOMING a fully functional part of society.

 

Odds are...they're not there yet already, unless they're a really special human being.

 

On the "my house, my rules" being a coward's solution...hogwash. That fully functional adult you're referring to should therefore be fully self-sustaining...and so should have no problem with moving out on their own and therefore having their own rules.

 

How many kids have you raised to adulthood?

 

If you can go out and get killed for your country...you're old enough to make your own decisions. The laws here are full of flaws and loopholes. In all other countries, there is one age you become an adult...be it 18 or 20. You can go to war, drink, marry etc. I'll never understand U.S. logic where you can go to war at 18, but not have a beer.

[Massyd39]

Glad you spoke to your mom and she has your back on this.

 

Yup, be kind and respectful towards him, it'll make your life easier. You don't have to confide in him at all, he hasn't earned your trust anyway.

Yes, this has been sorted out and now I'm just going to be respectful.

He moved in quickly. How long was it just you and your mom before he started dating her?

Before they started dating, they were friends for several months.

during those 3 years has he been nice to you, try to get to know you, spend time with you, laugh with you etc? Or is he serious and stern with you and pulls the dad act too often?

No, he isn't always serious. He would sometimes ask about how I was doing in school and was there on my graduation. I guess he's trying but it takes me a while to trust someone I know for such a short time.

[Massyd39]

Apologize to him if you haven't already.

Already did.

[Massyd39]

I hope her real father is available and capable of being supportive in he right way.

No, my real father is dead. I was a toddler when he decided he couldn't take it anymore and locked himself in his room, leaving me unattended. I was obviously clueless and still have no recollection of that, I only know base on what I was told years later. I was under his care at that moment while my mother went out shopping. No one knew he felt this way. He didn't even leave a note nor showed signs of being depressed. Till this day I don't know why he did it.

[amaysngrace]

No, my real father is dead. I was a toddler when he decided he couldn't take it anymore and locked himself in his room, leaving me unattended. I was obviously clueless and still have no recollection of that, I only know base on what I was told years later. I was under his care at that moment while my mother went out shopping. No one knew he felt this way. He didn't even leave a note nor showed signs of being depressed. Till this day I don't know why he did it.

 

He did it because he was suffering with depression. Twenty years ago it was easy to miss signs of depression. There wasn't the awareness that's around today.

 

I'm very sorry for your loss.

[littleplanet]

No, my real father is dead. I was a toddler when he decided he couldn't take it anymore and locked himself in his room, leaving me unattended. I was obviously clueless and still have no recollection of that, I only know base on what I was told years later. I was under his care at that moment while my mother went out shopping. No one knew he felt this way. He didn't even leave a note nor showed signs of being depressed. Till this day I don't know why he did it.

 

 

 

Keenly and SalParadise - I figure I probably see the world like you guys do.

 

OP,

 

 

I'm sure you must have your own good and personal reasons for not wanting to get too close and trusting to a thousand stepdads.

 

And the "adult" man in the story here - the one that so many respondants want to give full-fledged parental rights and full authority over yourself: carte blanche and without question..................

 

Does he happen to know the full extent of your personal history?

And if so, does he happen to be an understanding man who is sensitive to you and your past?

 

I am deeply sorry that you had such an experience....ever - let alone so young.

I can say that and mean it, and I don't even know you.

 

This man had a golden opportunity to establish something (with adult know-how) and gain an actual relationship with you, and he didn't do it.

Either he doesn't care, or he doesn't know how.

 

We cannot ever 'assume' that this is a given, just because he wears a title in the conventions of your home.

In my little world, respect is always earned. It is never surrendered.

There is a universe of difference between the two.

 

You did not perhaps, act in the most adult and responsible of ways through this entire circumstance, but I would hardly fault you for your transgressions.

 

Once upon a time, long ago....I had a step of sorts, when I was 16.

But from the age of 16, I never had anyone of authority over me.

That is why I left my biological father's home.

My mom had the good sense to respect my decisions....even so young.

I paid my own rent, bills, and life expenses. Took my hits, falls, spills, and occasionally asked her advice. The step I tolerated, to a point.

He was her business, not mine.

 

You will no doubt, probably find that the only real resolution to all this happens when you are calling all your own shots.

Until then, I hope you can at least preserve a good relationship with your mom. That is the most important thing.

[Ronni_W]

No, my real father is dead. I was a toddler when he decided he couldn't take it anymore and locked himself in his room, leaving me unattended.

Yeah...I know how it feels to think that my Dad abandoned me. It's really, really difficult. Especially when the other men in our lives don't pull through for us in the ways that we were wishing, hoping or expecting them to.

 

I'm truly sorry for your loss, Massd39. I've come to see that it wasn't an abandonment of me but...something else, entirely. Doesn't make it hurt any less, though.

 

Many and heartfelt hugs.

[salparadise]

No, my real father is dead. I was a toddler when he decided he couldn't take it anymore and locked himself in his room, leaving me unattended. I was obviously clueless and still have no recollection of that, I only know base on what I was told years later. I was under his care at that moment while my mother went out shopping. No one knew he felt this way. He didn't even leave a note nor showed signs of being depressed. Till this day I don't know why he did it.

 

That must've been difficult to grow up without your father, and knowing how that came to be. Abandonment is hard to process and deal with as it always seems personal to a child. I hope you've come to terms with it and have found a way to carry that loss so that doesn't leave you stuck with strong reactive emotions and projective expectations of men in future romantic relationships.

 

It sound like you've got this current situation pretty well stabilized now. I'm sure you understand that all of this is forcing you to grow up a little quicker, and perhaps be the bigger, wiser person at times when it seems like it should be the other person doing that... you seem to be confident and resilient. Think about making choices that will shape your future in a way that you'll be proud to own. Every choice in every moment contributes toward it. Your potential is only limited by the beliefs you hold with regard to what is or is not possible. I wish you all the best.

[Keenly]

Did this guy just say 18 isn't an adult? Good god man, talk about a lack of respect for some one just bexaaue they are young. 18 is an adult, in both the eyes of the law and the eyes of society. At 18 one is more than capable of being a responsible contributong member of society, provided that parental figures are not holding them back from personal growth by continuing to treat them like children, stunting their growth and insulting and disrespectig them because of their youth in the process.

 

 

At 18 I was out of then house with room mates, had a job, went to school. That sounds pretty.much like an adult to me.

 

 

Trying to bring the drinking age into this is a little ridiculous. If you want to suppress the growth of another human being you go ahead and do that. Its not going to help them though. I said before, at 18, parents either did their job of they failed their son/daughter.

[BlueIris]

Yes, this has been sorted out and now I'm just going to be respectful.

 

Before they started dating, they were friends for several months.

 

No, he isn't always serious. He would sometimes ask about how I was doing in school and was there on my graduation. I guess he's trying but it takes me a while to trust someone I know for such a short time.

 

Well done, and pretty. It doesn't really cost us anything to be respectful and it's reflecting very well on you as a person. Being calm and respectful doesn't mean not speaking up for yourself.

 

I'm sorry to hear that you lost your father at such a young age and it makes sense that it takes a while to trust someone new.

[Raena]

Did this guy just say 18 isn't an adult? Good god man, talk about a lack of respect for some one just bexaaue they are young. 18 is an adult, in both the eyes of the law and the eyes of society. At 18 one is more than capable of being a responsible contributong member of society, provided that parental figures are not holding them back from personal growth by continuing to treat them like children, stunting their growth and insulting and disrespectig them because of their youth in the process.

 

 

At 18 I was out of then house with room mates, had a job, went to school. That sounds pretty.much like an adult to me.

 

 

Trying to bring the drinking age into this is a little ridiculous. If you want to suppress the growth of another human being you go ahead and do that. Its not going to help them though. I said before, at 18, parents either did their job of they failed their son/daughter.

 

Keenly,

I have no idea where you live but where I live, parents are still legally responsible for their children until they are 21. Yes, at 18 you can vote, move out and live on your own, get a job, join the armed forces, etc. BUT, the parent is still legally responsible for their child until 21. In many instances, the parent needs to continue to provide health insurance until 21 and any judgments placed on a person between 18 and 21 can then also be placed on the parents. I'm talking legal cases here... not moral judgments. It's a fact. Many states are making it so that child support happens until 21, not 18 as well, longer if the "child" is enrolled in college. In addition, young people applying for student loans must use their parents income until they are well into their late 20s, whether they can claim themselves as independent or not. I know, because I went through it. I was out of the house a month after I turned 18 and stayed out, paid my own bills, had my own apartment, had a job and took care of myself but legally, my mother was still responsible for me. Just keep that in mind. Just because the OP turned 18 does NOT make her a mature adult. It just means she has the choice to leave if she doesn't like the rules in her mother's house.

[pink_sugar]

Keenly,

I have no idea where you live but where I live, parents are still legally responsible for their children until they are 21. Yes, at 18 you can vote, move out and live on your own, get a job, join the armed forces, etc. BUT, the parent is still legally responsible for their child until 21. In many instances, the parent needs to continue to provide health insurance until 21 and any judgments placed on a person between 18 and 21 can then also be placed on the parents. I'm talking legal cases here... not moral judgments. It's a fact. Many states are making it so that child support happens until 21, not 18 as well, longer if the "child" is enrolled in college. In addition, young people applying for student loans must use their parents income until they are well into their late 20s, whether they can claim themselves as independent or not. I know, because I went through it. I was out of the house a month after I turned 18 and stayed out, paid my own bills, had my own apartment, had a job and took care of myself but legally, my mother was still responsible for me. Just keep that in mind. Just because the OP turned 18 does NOT make her a mature adult. It just means she has the choice to leave if she doesn't like the rules in her mother's house.

 

Not sure where it is that you live that an 18 year old is not an adult. Regardless of needing your parents income until you are 24 for financial aid for school, your parents are no longer legally responsible for you. This is just another lame flaw in the system because parents DO NOT have to pay for your college and it only hurts students when schools "assume" their parents will pay for school by including their income. The highest age of adulthood I have seen in other countries is 20 (Japan). But in the U.S. your parents are no longer responsible for you at 18 and can kick you out on your 18th birthday if they so choose.

[UpwardForward]

We were given Two of almost everything in case we loose one or it fails.

 

Single mothers who turn their parental responsibility over to priests, boys club, boyfriends, etc etc - Are Not doing their Job, and asking for trouble.

[UpwardForward]

Not sure where it is that you live that an 18 year old is not an adult. Regardless of needing your parents income until you are 24 for financial aid for school, your parents are no longer legally responsible for you. This is just another lame flaw in the system because parents DO NOT have to pay for your college and it only hurts students when schools "assume" their parents will pay for school by including their income. The highest age of adulthood I have seen in other countries is 20 (Japan). But in the U.S. your parents are no longer responsible for you at 18 and can kick you out on your 18th birthday if they so choose.

 

Yes. Support payments i.e. child support, SS, cease at 18 yrs.

[lollipopspot]

Let me just say - you need to lock your phone. No one should just be able to pick it up and read your texts without a passcode. I assume it's a smartphone and contains a lot of your life and sensitive data? Protect yourself and password protect it. It's a hassle, but you'll be glad you did it if it's lost or stolen. Tape an email address or contact number to the outside of the phone.