Stepfather invading my privacy

[UpwardForward]

I have successfully raised two wonderful responsible adult children.

 

It happened by knowing Priorities and by Not having live-ins in their home, or under their noses.

[Owl]

I have successfully raised two wonderful responsible adult children.

 

It happened by knowing Priorities and by Not having live-ins in their home, or under their noses.

 

OK...so mom should kick her boyfriend out then...shouldn't have ever let him in the house to begin with...at least not until her daugher was out?

[Owl]

OP is now an adult, as well.

 

'House rules' as in cigars in her purse? And this outsider wants to go through her purse??

 

And his age doesn't earn him more respect in his fiance's owned home, than OP.

 

OP, if your mother doesn't see your side in the privacy for an 18 yr old, then she is a desperate woman.

 

You say OP is fortunate he didn't call the police? If I were law enforcement, I'd put the boyfriend in the slammer for being presumptuous.

 

"House rules" could include no cigars in her purse/no smoking...yes.

 

Why not? Her mom's/boyfriend's house...their rules.

[UpwardForward]

OK...so mom should kick her boyfriend out then...shouldn't have ever let him in the house to begin with...at least not until her daugher was out?

 

Wouldn't be a bad idea.

 

He doesn't seem to know how to be respectful.

[UpwardForward]

"House rules" could include no cigars in her purse/no smoking...yes.

 

Why not? Her mom's/boyfriend's house...their rules.

 

Stop saying the boyfriend's house.

 

If he owned the house I would feel differently, and think OP had no rights.

[Owl]

Stop saying the boyfriend's house.

 

If he owned the house I would feel differently, and think OP had no rights.

 

But you don't own it. OP's mom does...and she's the one who determines the house rules, and who is entitled to enforce them

 

Her mother may well view it as much 'his' house as hers. Why wouldn't/shouldn't she?

 

There's nothing mentioned here to indicate that she views her boyfriend as less than a partner.

[Owl]

Wouldn't be a bad idea.

 

He doesn't seem to know how to be respectful.

 

Doesn't seem likely either.

 

So...best for the OP to make her own "adult plans" given that she doesn't like her current living environment...and there's no indication that its likely to change.

[Owl]

Wouldn't be a bad idea.

 

He doesn't seem to know how to be respectful.

 

Don't forget...while you don't feel he was respectful...at the end of the day...he did indeed find 'contraband' in OP's purse.

 

He was right. She was indeed hiding something.

 

Had he remained 'respectful' (in YOUR viewpoint), the truth wouldn't have come out.

 

I'm still curious if she planned on smoking the cigars "as is"...which I find doubtful. Haven't seen too many 18 year old female cigar smokers. Usually, they're used to cover the scent of pot, or used as rolling paper for it.

[amaysngrace]

You're pretty disrespectful. He asked you where you were going and you cursed him out?

 

Your mom should throw you out of her home if cursing and hitting is your attitude.

 

You'll be fine on the streets.

[BlueIris]

Who’s paying the bills?

 

Is stepdad contributing to or paying the mortgage, utilities, food, car payments, etc?

Is OP?

 

OP, is that your car, that you paid for or pay for, insure, and fill with gas on your own dime?

Or is it a car that mom and stepdad gave you to use, and that they pay for?

[Owl]

My mother met him 3 years ago and they recently got engaged by April.

Anyway I got into a fight with him because just as I was trying to go to a girls hang out, he wouldn't give me my purse and said he hid my car keys. When he asked where I was going, I replied ''It's none of your ****ing business, give me my purse and my car keys''.

 

So...your mom's fiancee asked where you were going, refused to give you your purse and keys when you refused to ask...and then you escalated the situation with your reaction and foul/insulting language.

 

In my purse, he found a couple of pack of cigars and a couple personal messages on my cell but still, it was none of his business (I don't even smoke every single day and what I write on my cell is my life). This got me upset. I just turned 18 this month anyways, not a minor anymore.

 

Well...I think legally it would depend on a couple of things. Who pays your cell phone bill...you, or your mom? In fact...who owns the car...you, or your mom?

 

If your mom pays the bill on the cell phone...then your mom is responsible for how its used, and what it contains. So in that circumstance...what's on there is NOT just "your life".

 

Now...if you foot all your own bills including the cell phone bill, and its in your name...then I'd think that legally you might have a foot to stand on there.

 

Same thing with the car...if it's titled in your name, or if you're the one the lien is against...it's yours. If not...not yours.

 

I guess I got upset then, went on to smack him on the shoulder several times. I was pissed off, called him every single bad name I can think about and continue hitting him a couple more times (think I scratched him at some point too with my nails on his arm). He then shoved me and I tripped. Now he pretty much now wants to tell my mother everything.

 

No...you were upset before then, as evidenced by your language. Then, you escalated this to assault and battery by both verbally and physically assaulting him.

 

I'm curious...what is the "tell my mother everything"?

 

What is it you expect him NOT to tell her???

 

She's his fiancee, and you're her daughter...what ELSE should he do???

 

Was this any of his business anyways? I don't think I even own him any explanation of my hang out with my friends. I think I was right to get upset. He had no rights trying to rule over me. He's not my father.

 

That depends...you see, he's been in your life and home for three years. Has your mother allowed him to discipline you during that time? Expected him to treat you as a daughter, to including knowing where you're going, what you're doing, etc...?

 

If so...then there's no reason that changes just because you don't like it.

 

If no...then you probably need to move on out, with a quickness.

[pink_sugar]

Sounds like you're attacking the man that cares about you. Not too many stepdads are kind.

 

OP do you realize he could have easily knock you down with a single punch or slap you hard but he didn't? Even when you hit him repeatedly (some men out there would react violently after that and overdo it, not realizing their strength), he didn't want to hurt you and only push you off him. Great self-restrain.

 

From what I'm reading, he seems like a good guy.

 

I agree. If I EVER tried to pull that on my dad...I would have been in a world of hurt. Sounds like it would benefit you to move out if it bothers you that much.

[Massyd39]

BTW I do work at a library so no, I'm not a lazy girl that does nothing. Will soon be starting college too.

Regarding the car, well yes my mother helped me with some money. I did contributed too. Yes, I do fill the gas myself sometimes too.

 

My cell is mine however. I pay for that on my own.

[Owl]

Then LEGALLY, he didn't have the right to take it and snoop on it.

 

Question...does your mother view him as your "step dad"? Does she give him authority to enforce the 'house rules' when you're not abiding by them?

 

Or does you mother view him as "her boyfriend", and he has no authority?

[Massyd39]

Who’s paying the bills?

My mother and soon-to-be stepfather mainly. Though I do contribute some in the house too such as going grocery shopping sometimes and help out with the Internet bills.

[BlueIris]

Ok, then the way I see it, anyone who is paying for you is not someone you hit, swear at, or defy. If he is one of the primary supporters of that household that you live in, pretty much free, then appreciate him. I bet his contributions also made it possible or easier for you to have a car, freeing up money that your mom would otherwise be paying to meet needs.

 

One of the things that you did that needs to be pointed out, is saying, “he’s not my father.” In my experience, that’s a child’s ploy to guilt and manipulate their biological parent, or to try to marginalize and disempower the stepparent who is actually helping your family. It’s a mean thing to say and utterly irrelevant.

 

You’re transitioning into adulthood, so it can be rocky time. But turning 18 doesn’t make you an adult; behavior and maturity do.

 

These two people are giving to you. You are very very lucky.

[Massyd39]

Then LEGALLY, he didn't have the right to take it and snoop on it.

 

Question...does your mother view him as your "step dad"? Does she give him authority to enforce the 'house rules' when you're not abiding by them?

 

Or does you mother view him as "her boyfriend", and he has no authority?

Yes, I was expected to still follow rules (for instance, he would put a curfew if I had to go out with friends or on a date) even when she had to do some errands. Well I was still a minor then. When he first moved in, she would tell me how I should be respectful to him as he's going to be part of the family.

 

She views him as both the man she wants to spend the rest of her life with and part of the family.

 

I guess I just thought by now things would be different since I'm 18 but nope, it's the same.

Edited July 15, 2014 by Massyd39

[salparadise]

No...he's the ADULT, who was invited in by her mother.

As an adult in the home...and partner to her mother...he's an authority figure in the home, whether the OP (or you) like it or not. He's a rule-maker/setter/enforcer...unless her mother has refused to grant him that status.

 

I have 3 adult 'children' living in my home right now. They're all in their mid-upper 20s.

 

Well, nice of you to tell us why you have such a immutable, black and white perspective on the situation... you're his mirror image; desperate to hold onto your own rule-maker/setter/enforcer/dictator status.

 

She is 18 and if this guy had any sense he'd realize that the only way he's ever going to have any real influence is by gaining her respect. He should be staying the background, assuming the role of trusted advisor, and letting the mother do any heavy lifting that needs to be done. Trying to dictate to someone who has reached the age of majority based on nothing more than the fact that he's banging her mother is foolish. Step parents, especially recent, who believe they have the same standing as a parent are foolish. And parents who think they can dictate to an 18 year old the same way they do a 12 year old are foolish.

 

All that's going to happen here is that the family is going to split apart because nobody is demonstrating respect for the other. I just hope the mother has the insight and backbone to pull this out of the dumpster. If she takes sides with this guy over her daughter, she's going to lose the daughter. And that would be a real shame because she still needs the gentle guidance and support of a loving parent as she transitions to full independence. I hope her real father is available and capable of being supportive in he right way.

 

I'm glad my daughter hasn't had to deal with live-in ass-holes on either side after the divorce. I would never try to give someone like that authority over my daughter, who just happens to be 18 as well. I would never try and exercise that kind of control over her myself! If you haven't taught them how to make good choices for themselves by that age... well, that ship has already sailed.

[amaysngrace]

I guess I just thought by now things would be different since I'm 18 but nope, it's the same.

 

It's the same because you're still the same.

 

Apologize to him if you haven't already.

 

That's a step in the right direction.

 

You're being treated like a child because you're behaving like one. Want to be treated like an adult? Then the next time the man asks where are you going? answer him. And tell him with whom and what time you'll be back.

 

Is that really so difficult?

[pink_sugar]

Well, nice of you to tell us why you have such a immutable, black and white perspective on the situation... you're his mirror image; desperate to hold onto your own rule-maker/setter/enforcer/dictator status.

 

She is 18 and if this guy had any sense he'd realize that the only way he's ever going to have any real influence is by gaining her respect. He should be staying the background, assuming the role of trusted advisor, and letting the mother do any heavy lifting that needs to be done. Trying to dictate to someone who has reached the age of majority based on nothing more than the fact that he's banging her mother is foolish. Step parents, especially recent, who believe they have the same standing as a parent are foolish. And parents who think they can dictate to an 18 year old the same way they do a 12 year old are foolish.

 

All that's going to happen here is that the family is going to split apart because nobody is demonstrating respect for the other. I just hope the mother has the insight and backbone to pull this out of the dumpster. If she takes sides with this guy over her daughter, she's going to lose the daughter. And that would be a real shame because she still needs the gentle guidance and support of a loving parent as she transitions to full independence. I hope her real father is available and capable of being supportive in he right way.

 

I'm glad my daughter hasn't had to deal with live-in ass-holes on either side after the divorce. I would never try to give someone like that authority over my daughter, who just happens to be 18 as well. I would never try and exercise that kind of control over her myself! If you haven't taught them how to make good choices for themselves by that age... well, that ship has already sailed.

 

I'd have to agree with this. My parents always assumed sole responsibility over my brother and I. All partners they have been with were respectful towards us and only acted in a capacity that we were to respect them as someone older...but they did not parent us. The OP is 18 and her mother has been dating this guy for 3 years...when she was 15. It's not as if they've been together since she was a child. She was a teenager when they got together, so IMO it's inappropriate for her step-father to be parenting her. My husband went to live with his mother and stepfather at 16 (after living with dad all his life) and his stepfather did the same thing. In fact, his mom did very little and let his stepdad handle ALL the parenting and discipline. WRONG. This is why Stepparents get such a bad rap. Know your boundaries.

[Keenly]

Step parenting is something that most people will never understand.

 

 

They think that because they married the biological parent that they some how inheiret power and authority and can then make and enforce rules like the kid was there's.

 

Pretty damn good way to alienate your child not only from the step parent, but the biological parent as well.

 

 

My entire relationship with my mother is now permanently screwed up and we will.never be as close as we could have been all because my ex stepfather was a complete *******.

 

 

He was one of those morons who didn't understand that respect was earned, not demanded.

 

At no point did he ever attempt to win my favor or develop any kind of relationship with me , he was there for my mom and to get drunk, that was it.

 

 

Parents need to be more aware that any relationship and then marriage they enter into will have a profound affect on their childrens lives as well as affect the entire parent child dynamic for the rest of their lives. Too many selfish parents just want a companion and don't ever even care about the affect a bad step parent has on their kids.

 

 

Most of you have no idea what the betrayal of watching your mother choose to side with a controlling and demanding step parent over their own child feels like.

[pink_sugar]

I'd have to agree with this. My parents always assumed sole responsibility over my brother and I. All partners they have been with were respectful towards us and only acted in a capacity that we were to respect them as someone older...but they did not parent us. The OP is 18 and her mother has been dating this guy for 3 years...when she was 15. It's not as if they've been together since she was a child. She was a teenager when they got together, so IMO it's inappropriate for her step-father to be parenting her. My husband went to live with his mother and stepfather at 16 (after living with dad all his life) and his stepfather did the same thing. In fact, his mom did very little and let his stepdad handle ALL the parenting and discipline. WRONG. This is why Stepparents get such a bad rap. Know your boundaries.

 

I also might add, that his stepfather made no effort to really be involved in my H's life...except to be a d-bag and throw his authority around. He pretty much stopped speaking to us a few years back and my husband has no contact with him ever since his mom passed away a year and 2 months ago.

[amaysngrace]

Asking a live-in family member where they are going isn't being controlling. It's common courtesy.

 

Most volunteer that information.

 

We all do in my home.

[pink_sugar]

Step parenting is something that most people will never understand.

 

 

They think that because they married the biological parent that they some how inheiret power and authority and can then make and enforce rules like the kid was there's.

 

Pretty damn good way to alienate your child not only from the step parent, but the biological parent as well.

 

 

My entire relationship with my mother is now permanently screwed up and we will.never be as close as we could have been all because my ex stepfather was a complete *******.

 

 

He was one of those morons who didn't understand that respect was earned, not demanded.

 

At no point did he ever attempt to win my favor or develop any kind of relationship with me , he was there for my mom and to get drunk, that was it.

 

 

Parents need to be more aware that any relationship and then marriage they enter into will have a profound affect on their childrens lives as well as affect the entire parent child dynamic for the rest of their lives. Too many selfish parents just want a companion and don't ever even care about the affect a bad step parent has on their kids.

 

 

Most of you have no idea what the betrayal of watching your mother choose to side with a controlling and demanding step parent over their own child feels like.

 

This sounds like my husband's situation down to a T. His mother was never really maternal to him...his step father took full advantage of this fact and made it worse by flipping out over the smallest things (husband was way over 18 at this point) and even made his mom stop speaking to him because her husband was pushed out of shape by a trivial facebook comment. When she got cancer, my husband was only able to come by by appointment only...basically whenever his stepdad felt like inviting us. He waited until her last few weeks to say "okay you can come visit her now". Thank god he is out of our lives.

[UpwardForward]

But you don't own it. OP's mom does...and she's the one who determines the house rules, and who is entitled to enforce them

 

Her mother may well view it as much 'his' house as hers. Why wouldn't/shouldn't she?

 

There's nothing mentioned here to indicate that she views her boyfriend as less than a partner.

 

Yes. OP's mother does own the house. Could be from a previous M .. or not.

 

House should pass to OP. Why do people think if they find a woman (or man) who has property, they can move in and take over - and run over the kids.

 

Has nothing to do with if the mother calls him Her partner. (that is If she does)

 

Their R should have nothing to do with an adolescent or young adult. OP should take her orders directly from her mother, while living there.