Star2880 Posted July 14, 2014 Share Posted July 14, 2014 Have any OW had their AP absolutely destroy them by the words they said to their wives about you. My exAP said the most hateful things about me in a text to his wife who temporarily left him after DDay. ( She sent me the text!) He said that he never loved me, he didn't even like me, that In fact he hated me and I had stopped him loving her the way he wanted to. We had an affair for 3 years! Just interested to know if others have had their ExAP go to horrible depths to salvage their marriage! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
AmyBamy Posted July 14, 2014 Share Posted July 14, 2014 That is so sad that he felt like he had to lie so much to salvage something he obviously didn't respect much anyway. No, I did not have that experience, and I'm thankful that I did not. In fact, part of the reason exMMs ex wife went nutty was that she knew he loved me and couldn't handle that. And I'm sure that if he had said anything mean about me she would have broken her neck to share that with me with joy. I call this the "saving the marriage fog". Where the MM is so freaked out about losing his kids, his house, his money, his status quo that he becomes desperate to put it all back in line. They come out of that fog eventually and realize that in saving all of those things it also means that they have to go back to that stale relationship that wasn't working and their heads clear and they let it go. This is a knee jerk reaction, it will pass and he will come to his senses when he can see clearly after that fog lifts. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
notserene Posted July 14, 2014 Share Posted July 14, 2014 It's commonly called "throwing you under the bus" and there are literally hundreds of threads about it on this board. 11 Link to post Share on other sites
joanofark Posted July 14, 2014 Share Posted July 14, 2014 why did the BS send you that text? If I received that I would have followed up with texts from HIM disputing otherwise, assuming there were any. Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted July 14, 2014 Share Posted July 14, 2014 As a BS I'd be totally pissed if my husband tried to blame shift like that. It would show me he isn't willing to man up to his choices. I would fear he wasn't willing to work on himself and would surely cheat again. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 14, 2014 Share Posted July 14, 2014 In any remotely adversarial dealings always authenticate. If authentication is impossible, disregard as unverified. In this case, if there is no independently verifiable way of authenticating the origination of and content of the alleged text, it must be disregarded as unverified. Had my MW's H ever had such a communication with myself, I simply would have sent or showed him the love letters from his wife, in her own handwriting. In fact I did! Sent him the whole slew after saying goodbye. Done! If she lied, it was over eight years and in verifiable form. People do what they do to hurt and manipulate. Everyone has the propensity. All they need is a trigger. What I liked about MC was that the psychologist heard my side, my exW's side and he focused in on the truth, which was neither of our sides. Great lesson. Myself, if receiving such communication, I would have laughed (my situation) and paid it no mind. One outburst, unsubstantiated in this instance, couldn't erase years of interaction, nor would it. Sure, things could end of their own accord and with purpose and intent, but not by the rantings of a betrayed spouse. You give that spouse that power. Otherwise, neither they nor anyone, including the wayward spouse, has any power over you. You have complete power over yourself. Make choices that benefit you. Good luck! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted July 14, 2014 Share Posted July 14, 2014 Had my MW's H ever had such a communication with myself, I simply would have sent or showed him the love letters from his wife, in her own handwriting. Please don't do this- tit for tat seldom ends well for anyone- as a BS with a OW that intruded until she OD'd-blew out her liver and now is in ICU- I can say that escalating is never a good idea- she had no right to contact you and be so mean, but acting in kind is not going to do anything but prolong the misery for all involved- The MM is a jerk- consider yourself lucky to have dodged that bullet- 3 Link to post Share on other sites
wanting more Posted July 14, 2014 Share Posted July 14, 2014 my xMM did the same thing, made me look like a street walker whore who threw myself and at him and convinced him to have sex with me, over and over for 3-1/2 yrs. it stung so hard in the beginning to know what he was saying about me, but then, you really do get to a point that it doesnt matter i think it made it easier for me to see what a POS he was. Time does heal. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
AmyBamy Posted July 14, 2014 Share Posted July 14, 2014 my xMM did the same thing, made me look like a street walker whore who threw myself and at him and convinced him to have sex with me, over and over for 3-1/2 yrs. it stung so hard in the beginning to know what he was saying about me, but then, you really do get to a point that it doesnt matter i think it made it easier for me to see what a POS he was. Time does heal. I am so sad for those of you whose APs did this. It's such an obvious desperate attempt at damage control though. And the BS that gets joy from this doesn't realize that it's false joy, that they are only a small part of the bargain that the WS is trying to salvage - yet they seem to take it as they are the package and parcel wholly. Honestly, I wouldn't take it too much to heart during this time of trying to find equilibrium on the WS's part. He/she will swing both ways for a while and eventually land somewhere in the middle of reality - seeing that the affair was meaningful of something and that the marriage was not working in some way. Not to mention the pressure placed on them by the BS who is demanding that they profess their love for the marriage and hate for the AP and the affair, demanding that they "choose" (when in my mind they already have, but to each his own I guess), demanding so many things from them due to their own issues and insecurities. It's a messed up time, not much is solid during it. I can imagine it hurts to have your lover say things about you in an effort to save something that he/she doesn't really want anyway, just try to remember, they are desperate and scared and being caused to second guess themselves by society and their spouse and probably family and community too. Ride it out and see where he lands - I'll bet money that once the dust settles he is singing a completely different tune. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
AmyBamy Posted July 14, 2014 Share Posted July 14, 2014 As far as tit for tat, it's not my thing, but again, to each his own. When you are part of an affair you have so many things at your disposal to wound the BS. If you use them is up to you, but I wouldn't feel good about it I don't think. I am content with knowing what I know and if the BS is delusional, it doesn't hurt me at all, so I choose to just let it be. Whatever the BS chooses to do is on them regardless what they are presented with - as it is with every human being. But what you choose to do is on you - there are no take backs in real life and you have to do what you can live with and sleep peacefully at night with. I feel good about the fact that no matter what the BS did in my situation that I didn't open fire on her in return. I could have, I had that power, but even though it might have felt good for a minute to hurt her (as the BS in your situation seems to have found pleasure in doing), it's short lasting I would think. Just knowing that I could have made her miserable with only 1/10th of what I have at my disposal is enough, I don't have to exercise my power to know that I have it. Like I said, whatever she thinks doesn't affect me in the least, so I choose to be the better person, the more mature person. Of course, she didn't have anything that could truly hurt me, so it is a bit different, but she tried. I held my tongue, kept the pictures and texts and pillow talk to myself, and moved on. The end result of that is that people respect me and they don't respect her, and I didn't do a thing to cause that, she did. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
littlemermaid Posted July 14, 2014 Share Posted July 14, 2014 I'm sorry, this happened to me 10 years ago when I was having an A with someone from my past, who was separated at that time from the mother of his children. We were planning for me to leave my H and for us to marry...he asked me to marry him (he was never married to her). Then all of the sudden they were back together and he said the most horrible, ugly things about me...she sent them to me in emails. I cut him out of my life and didn't look back. Funniest thing ever...he came crawling back to me a few months ago after 10 years...saying they broke up soon after I left him and that he had always loved me all these years...LMAO. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted July 14, 2014 Share Posted July 14, 2014 Have any OW had their AP absolutely destroy them by the words they said to their wives about you. My exAP said the most hateful things about me in a text to his wife who temporarily left him after DDay. ( She sent me the text!) He said that he never loved me, he didn't even like me, that In fact he hated me and I had stopped him loving her the way he wanted to. We had an affair for 3 years! Just interested to know if others have had their ExAP go to horrible depths to salvage their marriage! The better question is WHY? WHY would a MM/MW, who, after years of an A, years of "I love you"...do this? ...and what does it say about one's future with him/her? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Star2880 Posted July 14, 2014 Author Share Posted July 14, 2014 The better question is WHY? WHY would a MM/MW, who, after years of an A, years of "I love you"...do this? ...and what does it say about one's future with him/her? That is the question! My friends say he is a coward and he was trying save himself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Star2880 Posted July 14, 2014 Author Share Posted July 14, 2014 I'm sorry, this happened to me 10 years ago when I was having an A with someone from my past, who was separated at that time from the mother of his children. We were planning for me to leave my H and for us to marry...he asked me to marry him (he was never married to her). Then all of the sudden they were back together and he said the most horrible, ugly things about me...she sent them to me in emails. I cut him out of my life and didn't look back. Funniest thing ever...he came crawling back to me a few months ago after 10 years...saying they broke up soon after I left him and that he had always loved me all these years...LMAO. I am sorry this happened to you also. It's so hurtful. The BS also said the most horrific statements about my daughter too. I totally knew the BS was a bit of crazy but not to that extent and it seems that he obviously knew what she would react like that! I think there was family pressure from all sides after DDay to demonstrate complete rejection of affair and the coward decided to write these hurtful things to prove it to her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Star2880 Posted July 14, 2014 Author Share Posted July 14, 2014 As far as tit for tat, it's not my thing, but again, to each his own. When you are part of an affair you have so many things at your disposal to wound the BS. If you use them is up to you, but I wouldn't feel good about it I don't think. I am content with knowing what I know and if the BS is delusional, it doesn't hurt me at all, so I choose to just let it be. Whatever the BS chooses to do is on them regardless what they are presented with - as it is with every human being. But what you choose to do is on you - there are no take backs in real life and you have to do what you can live with and sleep peacefully at night with. I feel good about the fact that no matter what the BS did in my situation that I didn't open fire on her in return. I could have, I had that power, but even though it might have felt good for a minute to hurt her (as the BS in your situation seems to have found pleasure in doing), it's short lasting I would think. Just knowing that I could have made her miserable with only 1/10th of what I have at my disposal is enough, I don't have to exercise my power to know that I have it. Like I said, whatever she thinks doesn't affect me in the least, so I choose to be the better person, the more mature person. Of course, she didn't have anything that could truly hurt me, so it is a bit different, but she tried. I held my tongue, kept the pictures and texts and pillow talk to myself, and moved on. The end result of that is that people respect me and they don't respect her, and I didn't do a thing to cause that, she did. I totally have enough ammo to sink his whole ship after him demanding that I delete everything. But I do not want to rise to this game. It has been 7ms since DDay and 5ms NC - we worked together and he write me letters apologising for everything and would leave them on my car! He would wait to see that I read them, then drive off! He was a coward! I kept trying to contact him for about a month after he left work but he has never contacted back! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Star2880 Posted July 14, 2014 Author Share Posted July 14, 2014 why did the BS send you that text? If I received that I would have followed up with texts from HIM disputing otherwise, assuming there were any. She was sending it from his phone number! He had accidentally sincted his iPhone and iPad together. So after DDay she made him give her all passwords for emails and would monitor all texts from the iPad. He never text me after that - he once emailed from his new work email to say not to contact him!!!! But I didn't know that email before he sent it! He just wrote me letters to say sorry for whole situation but not specifically what he had said! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Star2880 Posted July 14, 2014 Author Share Posted July 14, 2014 He used part of one of my emails to him about how I felt about him and how he made me feel. He stupidly send it to his wife to prove how much he loved her, using my loving gestures - she sent it to me trying to demonstrate how much he loved her and not me ... I actually laughed out loud when I read it... And did have to reply to her with the fact that they were originally my words about him and he obviously couldn't even think of his own to declare his love for her! No reply after that. Link to post Share on other sites
snappytomcat Posted July 14, 2014 Share Posted July 14, 2014 star im sorry you are dealing with this,as a bs I can only say when you respond to her,youre adding fuel to the fire,dont respond no more to her,hes a cowardly pos,not worth getting into anything with her about him,be glad you are rid of him,hes showing you his true colors Link to post Share on other sites
AlwaysGrowing Posted July 14, 2014 Share Posted July 14, 2014 I have always been perplexed by the notion that some feel feelings are static and based on truth. Doesn't everyone have feelings that change? Why are WS held to a different standard than others? Are WS not allowed to change their stance? Or are they only allowed to change their feelings/opinion in regard to their SO? Is it wise to put ones self-worth into the hands of another? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MayP Posted July 15, 2014 Share Posted July 15, 2014 Star2880... I bet that speech is common among men (or women) that are trying to explain and save their M. It is just unfortunately that you have to know about it. Regardless, it does feel rotten. It would have stabbed my heart right away. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lovinDKT3 Posted July 15, 2014 Share Posted July 15, 2014 Have any OW had their AP absolutely destroy them by the words they said to their wives about you. My exAP said the most hateful things about me in a text to his wife who temporarily left him after DDay. ( She sent me the text!) He said that he never loved me, he didn't even like me, that In fact he hated me and I had stopped him loving her the way he wanted to. We had an affair for 3 years! Just interested to know if others have had their ExAP go to horrible depths to salvage their marriage! You make so little mention of your husband in you threads, what are your plans with your own marriage? Link to post Share on other sites
whatatangledweb Posted July 15, 2014 Share Posted July 15, 2014 Star, I would say they do it for the same reason that some MM tell OW lies about their wives and marriage. They do it to get what they want. My husband told lies to her. I was hurt and pissed so I know how you feel. It's cruel to do that. My husband did take the whole blame himself for the affair. He didn't throw her under the bus. His wife sending it to you is out of her pain and anger. She wants to hurt you like she is hurting. She wants you have no good memories of him and the affair. I can understand her reason for doing it as well as maybe you wanting to do the same. The person who should be paying is him, instead it is you and his wife. I would block her. You have enough pain of your own to deal with. You don't need to deal with hers also. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
SunshineToday Posted July 15, 2014 Share Posted July 15, 2014 Don't you think after a Dday, everything's out, now is the time to declare that love for the OW? So why do so many MM back peddle all the way home to their BS, throwing the OW under the bus? I guess all that talk of ily didn't amount to a hill of beans. You would think those who wanted to step out on their partner so bad would grab the chance to make it permanent, but most often do not. I just see this happen over and over again. I guess it can help the OW realize faster what true jerks most MM really are. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
AmyBamy Posted July 15, 2014 Share Posted July 15, 2014 Don't you think after a Dday, everything's out, now is the time to declare that love for the OW? So why do so many MM back peddle all the way home to their BS, throwing the OW under the bus? I guess all that talk of ily didn't amount to a hill of beans. You would think those who wanted to step out on their partner so bad would grab the chance to make it permanent, but most often do not. I just see this happen over and over again. I guess it can help the OW realize faster what true jerks most MM really are. And yet, the BSs assume that the ilys that come after DDay are real, and none of the ones in the affair were. Why is that? That is so odd to me. And, they take them back and assume that their love is real while the other wasn't, when in reality, the marriage has a lot more wrapped up in it and the least of their concern may be their spouse - you know, the person that they were rejecting throughout the entire affair, sometimes for years. I would say that the ily of the married person didn't amount to a hill of beans if my husband cheated on me. I see it here too all the time and it confuses me to no end that one side is constantly trying to tell the other side that their love is real and the other is not. If someone cheats on you, I would suspect their love for you a heck of a lot more than I would for the person that they cheat WITH. Link to post Share on other sites
snappytomcat Posted July 15, 2014 Share Posted July 15, 2014 And yet, the BSs assume that the ilys that come after DDay are real, and none of the ones in the affair were. Why is that? That is so odd to me. And, they take them back and assume that their love is real while the other wasn't, when in reality, the marriage has a lot more wrapped up in it and the least of their concern may be their spouse - you know, the person that they were rejecting throughout the entire affair, sometimes for years. I would say that the ily of the married person didn't amount to a hill of beans if my husband cheated on me. I see it here too all the time and it confuses me to no end that one side is constantly trying to tell the other side that their love is real and the other is not. If someone cheats on you, I would suspect their love for you a heck of a lot more than I would for the person that they cheat WITH. I see all 3 sides of the affair,everyone gets hurt the bs,the ow/om and yes the ws,i have read your back story,and if I remember correctly you were at one time a bs,but you seem to lack any sympathy for any bs,and you can read my back story I don't blame anyone but my ws,but come on my xws loves me,and how do I know cause ive knownd him for over 20 years. I think some mm,do love their ap,but some realze that it was just a fantasy,so it does go both ways 8 Link to post Share on other sites
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