A Note to the Betrayed, From a Cheater

[HermioneG]

That's true. As far as I know, I've never been cheated on.

 

However, that doesn't change what's true about infidelity.

 

I think you need to learn to separate causes and effects. The OP is talking about the REASONS she or anyone else may have cheated. She never said the cheating had no EFFECT on her mate.

 

Yes, we can recognize that you were betrayed. We can recognize and empathize with your pain. We can recognize that you have to pick up the pieces and move forward with your life.

 

All of those things are true. You've been blindsided, hurt and have to deal with the aftermath of the cheating. That's true. It's also true that the reason she cheated was not about you.

 

We're talking about two different things. The OP is talking about the causes of cheating. You're talking about the effects of cheating. Yes, they are interrelated, but still different sides of the same coin.

 

This is very very well stated.

[veggirl]

I do wonder how any SO could ever again trust someone who blatantly says that their love for new and exciting and passion is /was at the end of the day more important than their SO. I mean the need and desire for new and exciting is likely gonna come back once the dust settles 2, 5, 10 years down the road. Why would the betrayed believe otherwise?

[HermioneG]

In an earlier post you said something like "I've never been cheated on and I'm here on LS to try to learn more about this infidelity thing" - words to this effect. So the obvious response to your insensitive post is that you don't understand what its like to be a betrayed partner and you never will - until it happens to you.

 

It did happen to me.

 

I do understand.

[Redhighheelz]

I do wonder how any SO could ever again trust someone who blatantly says that their love for new and exciting and passion is /was at the end of the day more important than their SO. I mean the need and desire for new and exciting is likely gonna come back once the dust settles 2, 5, 10 years down the road. Why would the betrayed believe otherwise?

 

It's not more important than the SO, in hindsight or from the outside it seems clear that it isn't. When you're in the situation you get caught up, obsessed and do not think you will get caught. You don't see it as a situation of choosing one or the other or risking your relationship. I felt extreme guilt and knew it could/would hurt him and he was more important than that.

 

If we can step back for a minute and think about an addiction-- when people are heavily into drugs, alcohol, gambling, food, whatever it is-- they make very poor decisions that harm those who love them. I think it's a pretty similar thing in terms of love addiction, addiction to attention, or whatever reason a partner has to cheat.

 

It was a dumb thing but doing it was NOT more important than him.

[HermioneG]

I do wonder how any SO could ever again trust someone who blatantly says that their love for new and exciting and passion is /was at the end of the day more important than their SO. I mean the need and desire for new and exciting is likely gonna come back once the dust settles 2, 5, 10 years down the road. Why would the betrayed believe otherwise?

 

Because in the end, it is usually so much more than just "new and exciting". A wayward that does the work on himself/herself finds out the motivation is usually not nearly so simple, and usually has roots in things and thought patterns that existed long before the marital relationship.

 

Not every marriage is worth reconciling. Not every wayward earns trust again. It should never be automatic .

 

But there are waywards that work it out, and find what is really amiss, and those waywards? Are worth a shot.

[marcjb]

So, OP, what would you say the solution is? Would you say these are good guidelines to follow to prevent the "temptation" from even occurring? It's a lot easier to not get burned if you are not playing with fire.

 

The Rules of Opposite Gender Friendships | Foundation Restoration

[nightmare01]

Very gently I want to suggest to OP that you tell your BH of your affair.

 

If he finds out later on his own his trust in you will be utterly destroyed. and your relationship will be beyond repair.

 

If you tell him he will hurt and you will have to work to win his trust back. That work can save your relationship.

 

From what Ive seen rug sweeping a affair or not confessing one often leads to another affair. no matter your good intentions now.

 

If there is anything that will prevent another affair. telling your BH will do that. seeing his pain will cement the affects of cheating into your mind. and I doubt you will ever consider it again because it was so catastrophic.

 

If you dont tell you will not experience any of the consequences. with out consequences is anything learned?

 

And to be clear. IMO not telling a spouse that they have been betrayed is NOT about protecting THEM. Its only about protecting the cheater.

 

Not telling is about control. you dont want to tell him because he might divorce you. so you lie (a lie of omission) and control his actions. basically you enslave him. because without knowing the reality of his life how can he possibly make good and accurate decisions about his future?

 

not telling and controlling your spouse is IMO the ultimate in disrespect. its a horrible thing to do because you are stealing the life from someone else. you are stealing years from him.

 

do the honorable thing and tell.

[hestheone66]

Though not all people are going to want or find themselves cheating. Some people, for whatever reason, are unable to really commit to monogamy. Instead of holding it up as a norm it should be viewed as an ideal for those who want to aspire to. Monogamy is as hard for philanderers as being straight is for gay people. I think it is better to just be honest at all times. If you can't commit to being monogamous then don't. I know I'm more fulfilled in my current relationship that carries no burden of monogamy. Interestingly we are ridiculously attentive and full of desire and love for each other. We choose each other's company over any others because we want each other. We each get a kick out of sharing the minor flirtatious we've engaged with ..ps my reflections are not suitable for those with children. Children deserve to be brought up by parents who are 100% happy that they are in committed relationship

[Giggle]

Kinda funny, I never really questioned why my ex cheated on me. I could see how it would happen.. We'd always been bad at communicating, didn't have high chemistry, we were comfortable, but highly frustrated with each other and he ran into somebody younger that was adoring and wasn't a mom and would go drinking with him and exciting and loads of chemistry. I was really upset but I could understand it. He straight up told me it would happen again.