atlg8r Posted July 14, 2014 Share Posted July 14, 2014 General thoughts and input desired: I trust my husband very much, and this isn't a question of whether he's done anything wrong. (I don't think he has.) He's never given me reason not to trust him and makes me feel very important, special, loved, etc. pretty much every day through his words and actions. However, we were sitting next to each other on the couch this weekend, and he was scrolling through his Facebook on his phone. He often lets me look with him and never has anything to "hide". But one of his friends had posted a photo of herself from her waist to her neck nude, with just her arm covering her boobs (more like just covering the nipple areas). He obviously can't control what other people post to their Facebook profiles, but it did make me feel awkward. I think what irked me was that he has a female Facebook friend who would post such a picture to begin with. To his credit, I think she may be someone he went to high school with and never talks to, and he immediately said "Yours are better!" (Haha) Just curious what everyone thinks about this type of situation. I explained to him it just made me feel awkward, but that I know he hasn't done anything wrong. I don't really know if there is a "solution" to be found, but it's just one of those ridiculous situations that comes up in life due to silly social media nowadays. And I'm interested what others think. Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted July 14, 2014 Share Posted July 14, 2014 I'm not a fan of FB or Social Media very much because I always see people rise to their level of emotional and intellectual incompetence about 1 minute after looking at a newsfeed.....Seems to be a constant exercise in people attempting to convince themselves and each their their life is not mundane. That being said, if it bugs you that it happened, there is certainly nothing wrong about how you feel. I think at the very least you can have some small sense of relief that you two look at FB together. I am sure you have read enough around here to know how many people attempt to hide stuff form their spouse or S.O. on Social Media when they are acting in a nefarious manner. You told your hubby it bothered you...what was his reaction and what actions were taken by him afterward? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Javelin Posted July 14, 2014 Share Posted July 14, 2014 This may sound like a 'funny' question, but do you have a problem with him watching pornography? Link to post Share on other sites
Author atlg8r Posted July 14, 2014 Author Share Posted July 14, 2014 You told your hubby it bothered you...what was his reaction and what actions were taken by him afterward? At first he was a little frustrated because he also felt like he'd done nothing wrong and that I was upset with him. After I explained I wasn't upset with HIM, he said he was sorry it had upset me but that he doesn't want anyone other than me and hopes that I always remember that. This may sound like a 'funny' question, but do you have a problem with him watching pornography? I don't, as long as it doesn't become an addiction. We have a great sex life, so if he uses that once in awhile to stimulate himself, I don't mind. I did mention to him that the reason this photo bothered me was that it was someone he knew, not just "random porn slut". Don't know if that makes any sense to anyone but me. Link to post Share on other sites
Javelin Posted July 14, 2014 Share Posted July 14, 2014 (edited) I don't, as long as it doesn't become an addiction. We have a great sex life, so if he uses that once in awhile to stimulate himself, I don't mind. I did mention to him that the reason this photo bothered me was that it was someone he knew, not just "random porn slut". Don't know if that makes any sense to anyone but me. Is she local? If not and they're only ever going to chat over Facebook, then she may as well be a pornstar. Let me try an ease the awkwardness a little as well. How do you think he'd feel if a guy posted a crotch shot of his length/girth only covering up the tip? And your response was, ' don't worry honey - your are MUCH bigger!' Do you think such an event would go over well with him? Edited July 14, 2014 by Javelin Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 14, 2014 Share Posted July 14, 2014 I Q the maturity of his friend. I agree it would be awkward but exactly what did your husband do wrong? Did you expect him to immediately unfriend her & jump off the couch denouncing her for all eternity? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author atlg8r Posted July 14, 2014 Author Share Posted July 14, 2014 Is she local? If not and they're only ever going to chat over Facebook, then she may as well be a pornstar. Let me try an ease the awkwardness a little as well. How do you think he'd feel if a guy posted a crotch shot of his length/girth only covering up the tip? And your response was, ' don't worry honey - yours is MUCH bigger...' Do you think such an event would go over well with him? Haha....I don't know. I don't think he'd like it! I think she lives local, but he hasn't seen or talked to her in a long time. I think he has a lot of friends from his "neighborhood" like that on Facebook - people he grew up with and went to school with but isn't necessarily "close" to anymore. He grew up near to where we currently live. Personally, and I haven't told him this ever, but I think a few of his female friends are trashy. But, since he never hangs out with them alone and he's always been good about making our marriage/his feelings for me well known, it wasn't a big deal. I suppose thinking it through now, if a guy friend did that on my Facebook, I'd probably at minimum hide his posts from my feed if not just remove him as a friend, particularly if it was someone I didn't talk to. Heck, I'd do that if I had a girl friend who posted photos like that too. Haha. Link to post Share on other sites
Javelin Posted July 14, 2014 Share Posted July 14, 2014 Did you expect him to immediately unfriend her & jump off the couch denouncing her for all eternity? A tad extreme dontchathink? Although, I wouldn't put it past the insecurity of some this day n' age. I'm going to say she was probably looking for a little disgust from him. (We shall see!) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author atlg8r Posted July 14, 2014 Author Share Posted July 14, 2014 I Q the maturity of his friend. I agree it would be awkward but exactly what did your husband do wrong? Did you expect him to immediately unfriend her & jump off the couch denouncing her for all eternity? Maybe. I have very high standards for most people. So yeah, I guess I would have liked for him to say something like "Geez, what a slut she turned into. Can't believe she'd post that for all her friends to see on Facebook." In his defense, I think it caught him kinda off guard. He "likes" a couple pin-up pages (with old-school models like Betty Page) but I think he was as surprised as me to see an actual person post a photo of that type. Link to post Share on other sites
Potz4prez Posted July 14, 2014 Share Posted July 14, 2014 No man is going to denounce boobs. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Javelin Posted July 14, 2014 Share Posted July 14, 2014 (edited) Can't believe she'd post that for all her friends to see on Facebook." She posted this on her own wall?! You made it sound like she sent a discrete picture to him in hopes of adding some animosity to your marriage. I'm going to say his response was ample difussery for the situation. And honestly if you were my wife I probably would have said the same thing about your boobs too. Edited July 14, 2014 by Javelin Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 14, 2014 Share Posted July 14, 2014 atlg8r -- at least you understand yourself, your motives & your desires. In that case, talk to your husband. Express your dislike of her behavior & find out if his opinion of her changed. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author atlg8r Posted July 14, 2014 Author Share Posted July 14, 2014 She posted this on her own wall?! You made it sound like she sent a discrete picture to him in hopes of adding some animosity to your marriage. I'm going to say his response was ample difussery. (Yes, I just made that word up!) Noooo....if she sent it to him, I'd have been a bit more specific about wanting him to delete her from his friends. No way a woman is going to send my husband risque or partially nude photos privately! That's the thing - he really didn't do anything wrong. And I don't really know that there's an "answer" I'm looking for - I guess I just think it's slutty, and it does bother me a little for my husband to "associate" with a woman like that, but not enough to keep harping on it (this was Saturday, and I haven't brought it up to him again or anything). Link to post Share on other sites
notserene Posted July 14, 2014 Share Posted July 14, 2014 Sounds like she's fishing for likes (trawling for them, really). 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author atlg8r Posted July 14, 2014 Author Share Posted July 14, 2014 atlg8r -- at least you understand yourself, your motives & your desires. In that case, talk to your husband. Express your dislike of her behavior & find out if his opinion of her changed. I may not even bring it up again, unless/until something similar happens again. He may have deleted her on his own or something for all I know. His ex texted him once when we'd first started dating, and I found out later that he'd politely let her know that he didn't want to be friends and then saved her number in his phone as "lying whore". LOL 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Javelin Posted July 14, 2014 Share Posted July 14, 2014 Noooo....if she sent it to him, I'd have been a bit more specific about wanting him to delete her from his friends. No way a woman is going to send my husband risque or partially nude photos privately! That's the thing - he really didn't do anything wrong. And I don't really know that there's an "answer" I'm looking for - I guess I just think it's slutty, and it does bother me a little for my husband to "associate" with a woman like that, but not enough to keep harping on it (this was Saturday, and I haven't brought it up to him again or anything). I know why this is bothering you more than it should. You are concerned that if they ever hang out (even in their group) that she has the potential to make advances on your husband. You already knew he had some 'slutty-ish' friends and this solidifies your initial assessments. How do you feel about strip clubs? Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted July 14, 2014 Share Posted July 14, 2014 This is where our society becomes ridiculous. You have just created a problem where there is none. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted July 14, 2014 Share Posted July 14, 2014 I think my wife would wonder about the caliber of folks I count as my friends. Probably justifiably. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author atlg8r Posted July 14, 2014 Author Share Posted July 14, 2014 I know why this is bothering you more than it should. You are concerned that if they ever hang out (even in their group) that she has the potential to make advances on your husband. You already knew he had some 'slutty-ish' friends and this solidifies your initial assessments. Am I right? I don't think I have to worry about that. He's more of a homebody, and if he goes out much, he likes for me to come with him. But yes, I would be uncomfortable for him to hang out with her without me around. He's a really good guy, and IMO very handsome, and I think he underestimates his level of attraction to women. He also seems very capable of compartmentalizing - if he calls someone a friend, they really are just a friend. He probably would hardly recognize if a girl DID come on to him, unless she flat out threw her naked self at him. LOL It could also be that I'm almost 8 months pregnant, and so MY self-esteem is a bit low (despite him being super complimentary every single day). I'm sure it subconsciously hurts to think he might actually enjoy looking at other females' bodies right now. (Yeah, unrealistic I know, but probably true.) Link to post Share on other sites
Author atlg8r Posted July 14, 2014 Author Share Posted July 14, 2014 This is where our society becomes ridiculous. You have just created a problem where there is none. I'm enjoying the discussion about it - but I didn't " create a problem". We didn't fight or anything. Link to post Share on other sites
notserene Posted July 14, 2014 Share Posted July 14, 2014 I think my wife would wonder about the caliber of folks I count as my friends. Probably justifiably. Yeah...I would wonder about that as well. Does she need to send out half naked pictures of herself for some...job she does? Link to post Share on other sites
Author atlg8r Posted July 14, 2014 Author Share Posted July 14, 2014 Yeah...I would wonder about that as well. Does she need to send out half naked pictures of herself for some...job she does? I think my wife would wonder about the caliber of folks I count as my friends. Probably justifiably. I definitely had this problem with my ex. I always felt like his female friends did not do a good job of respecting boundaries for someone who was in a relationship, and my ex never did a good job of enforcing the boundaries. Never cheated, but allowed what I considered excess flirtation that wasn't respectful of me. (Don't have nearly that situation now at all, thank God.) 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted July 14, 2014 Share Posted July 14, 2014 I'm enjoying the discussion about it - but I didn't " create a problem". We didn't fight or anything. Just because you didn't fight doesn't mean it isn't a problem. Insecurities like this come down to trust, and the fact that it bothered you enough to make a post about it implies that you don't trust your husband. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted July 14, 2014 Share Posted July 14, 2014 Just because you didn't fight doesn't mean it isn't a problem. Insecurities like this come down to trust, and the fact that it bothered you enough to make a post about it implies that you don't trust your husband. Maybe she just thinks it's tacky, akin (if not a little worse) than the other thread around here with the gay wondering why a girl finds his shirtless FB or OLD pics (can't remember which) off-putting. It's sort of tasteless, attention-seeking behavior. Then she might wonder why her husband has folks like this for friends. It's more a matter of taste and judgment than it is about trust. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted July 14, 2014 Share Posted July 14, 2014 Maybe she just thinks it's tacky, akin (if not a little worse) than the other thread around here with the gay wondering why a girl finds his shirtless FB or OLD pics (can't remember which) off-putting. It's sort of tasteless, attention-seeking behavior. Then she might wonder why her husband has folks like this for friends. It's more a matter of taste and judgment than it is about trust. When you start going down the road of saying who you can and can't be friends with on facebook... Well, that's just a door that I wouldn't ever step through. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts