best friend has finally realised who he loves, shes playing cool.

[blueroom]

My best female friend and my best male friend are best friends with each other too, independently of me. We have all been close for about 15 years. My best male friend has been embroiled in a destructive relationship for 10 years, which ended a year ago – its taken him a year to get over it, but he has turned a real corner in the last few months. I have been away since before Christmas, now I am back I have been told by both of them that ‘something happened’ between them while I was away. Effectively, male best friend (MBF) has realised the perfect girl has been in front of him all this time – my female best friend (FBF), told her and she’s dismissed it out of hand.

 

Problem: FBF has had several relationships with other close male friends – all have been disastrous – even resulting in the loss of most of her other friends, MBF and I are the only 2 that have stuck by her after a particularly bad relationship with a married friend who had a child. She makes exceptionally bad decisions with men, to the point I am now starting to think that she is commitment phobic in that she almost courts being treated badly by choosing the most ridiculously unsuitable men – she’s 28 and she’s never told a man she loves him. She goes through the early stages of grim relationships saying this man suits her fine as she doesn’t want a ‘real’ relationship. Then the man treats her badly and she says its fine as he’s her ‘friend’ and friendship comes first – then he treats her worse and worse until she finally snaps and realises he’s taken her for a fool. She then nurses a broken heart for months, goes into the next one saying she doesn’t want a relationship – and starts the cycle again.

 

She’s now met another unsuitable man, he dumped her last night – soooo, it’s a possible chance for MBF. She has been attracted to MBF in the past but she’s now saying he’s missed his chance, that’s not too much of a concern because she has been back to other men over several years at different stages, she keeps hold of things - maybe shes making him wait, she doesnt believe him as his ex was around for so long, she wont give me a straight answer the one time she bought it up. She says she’s wary of another friend relationship – fair enough – but MBF is different, he won’t do the same things the others have done. He’s a nice person – they others have been nasty people. It’s like she’s given the worst of the worst a chance, but wont give the person who would potentially make her happy a chance. She’s stubborn, its none of my business and if I press her, she will dig her heels in and I know better than that.

 

MBF is asking my advice and I am reluctant to get involved in case I give the wrong advice. It’s a very delicate balance and me & MBF don’t know which way he should go. I) she seems to fall for men that don’t call her for weeks and show minimal interest. 2) BUT she said the reason she got involved with married friend was because he pestered her with calls none stop and she finally caved, believing she was special to him – which turned out to be untrue. 3) I don’t know if she’s capable of a balanced relationship, is it another disaster waiting to happen. She says she’s not wanting a relationship, she just wants to be selfish – but then when a wrong ‘un treats her badly, she gets heart broken.

 

I am treading on eggshells, I have 2 dear friends who are both desperately unhappy, I cant ignore what’s happening between them as we talk about relationships. Its their business, but I would love them to be together as I KNOW they could make each other happy, but I want them to do this on their own – if its meant to be it will work out, but I don’t want them to miss this opportunity. Do you think FBF should just be single given her history?

 

I am also interested to get further perspective on her behaviour, as I am astounded she keeps going for the wrong men. I don’t want to ask her whats going on as she gets mildly rebellious when I question her decisions – or even bring it up, and I don’t want her to get stubborn about MBF. I am staying out of it now, but I want to understand the dynamic more.

[sarah12]

blueroom, I understand how this girl is because I believe I am in part, a lot alike this girl.

 

Problem: FBF has had several relationships with other close male friends – all have been disastrous – even resulting in the loss of most of her other friends, MBF and I are the only 2 that have stuck by her after a particularly bad relationship with a married friend who had a child. She makes exceptionally bad decisions with men, to the point I am now starting to think that she is commitment phobic in that she almost courts being treated badly by choosing the most ridiculously unsuitable men – she’s 28 and she’s never told a man she loves him.

 

She's not able to open up her feelings because she's scared that either a) the guy will be obsessive and go crazy after her because she probably had this experience in the past or b) the guy will hurt her if she opens up herself and he doesn't feel the same..I know, these are risks that everyone has to take in life, but when you've been affected by either one of these extremes and ONLY know of either one of these extremes, it's really hard to see yourself in a balanced relationship.

 

. She goes through the early stages of grim relationships saying this man suits her fine as she doesn’t want a ‘real’ relationship. Then the man treats her badly and she says its fine as he’s her ‘friend’ and friendship comes first – then he treats her worse and worse until she finally snaps and realises he’s taken her for a fool.

When she says she doesn't want a real relationship, I believe it, because she probably hasn't given herself enough time from the last one to heal, or she believes that if all guys are going to treat her badly, then what is the point of finding a real relationship now. You might as well just take the companionship for what it is and not risk again putting yourself out there and potentially hurting yourself later on.

 

She has been attracted to MBF in the past but she’s now saying he’s missed his chance, that’s not too much of a concern because she has been back to other men over several years at different stages, she keeps hold of things - maybe shes making him wait, she doesnt believe him as his ex was around for so long, she wont give me a straight answer the one time she bought it up.

 

She lacks self confidence and that's why she doesn't believe him. He has to prove to her, without being over the top, that he is over the ex and wants to be with FBF. He also should tell her that as a friend, he sees her cycle of constantly getting hurt, that it's time to learn something from her relationships and try something new - a guy who could actually treat her right for once, and it's not a bad or scary thing. For a girl like her, it would be a huge shock to be with a guy who actually cares about her, almost like she has to learn a new skill like learning to type or learning how to read. Believe it or not, even though she is 28, she needs a guy who can teach her these things.

 

It’s like she’s given the worst of the worst a chance, but wont give the person who would potentially make her happy a chance. She’s stubborn, its none of my business and if I press her, she will dig her heels in and I know better than that.

THis is because she knows she's better than the worst of the worst, so she'll never be the one to lose out. This time, it's different because she knows MBF is a good guy, and it would be something serious if she were to be with him. It's almost like she's playing the stereotypical male role here - she's afraid to commit, afraid to show feelings, and afraid of the unknown - and she's afraid of all this because she doesn't know how to even begin a balanced relationship.

 

If he is going to pursue her, he has to realize the role he will have to play to nurse her and teach her along the way.

[Blueroom]

Thanks for the reply Sarah - You’ve hit the nail on the head several times over.

 

‘It's almost like she's playing the stereotypical male role here’

 

that amused me no end – I often call her a little boy.

 

Unfortunately the situation has changed dramatically since yesterday.

 

She went on a date on Saturday night with another male friend, who’s not really one of mine & MBF’s friends. It turns out that she was dumped by a different date so went out with him on off chance. Her head has been totally turned by him.

 

‘ She lacks self confidence and that's why she doesn't believe him. He has to prove to her, without being over the top, that he is over the ex and wants to be with FBF. He also should tell her that as a friend, he sees her cycle of constantly getting hurt, that it's time to learn something from her relationships and try something new - a guy who could actually treat her right for once, and it's not a bad or scary thing. For a girl like her, it would be a huge shock to be with a guy who actually cares about her, almost like she has to learn a new skill like learning to type or learning how to read. Believe it or not, even though she is 28, she needs a guy who can teach her these things.’

 

This new date has totally done the above for her – he’s even picked up on the needing to be nursed and told her to practise showing her feelings on him!!! He’s bought her champagne, showered her with affection and offered to take her to Paris this weekend. I do feel this is what she needs so I am glad for her, but the other part of me is saying this guy is wrong for her again, new date was seeing someone else and has just dumped her today for FBF – but personality wise, I do think he’s wrong for her for several reasons but that’s not my decision to make so of course if she wants to be with him, I will be happy for her.

 

Unfortunately, MBF is now feeling this badly, he’s upset and he tried to call FBF (just for s friends chat – nothing heavy) last night and she didn’t pick up, he called me and asked if she was avoiding him, and he was upset – but FBF doesn’t know this. FBF called me this morning with her ‘problem’ – new date asked her to go to Paris but she cant as shes dogsitting for ex – a male friend who treated her SO badly it was ridiculous. I told her to tell ex to put dog in kennels and go to Paris, and ex should be happy for her to do that if he was a real ‘friend’. She told me to stop acting like an agony aunt and she couldn’t as it was too short notice to let ex & dog down.

 

I got v frustrated and told her to stop calling me with silly problems and stop being a martyr to her ex – because she lost all her friends with the affair with a married friend, she now feels she has to pay ‘penance’ and be a good friend to all those left. I shouldn’t have done that, but I was so frustrated that she’s ignoring MBF and causing him distress when she places so much emphasis on friendship as to do this for ex but not give MBF the time of day – she doesn’t believe he feels this way – dismissing his confession of love – not answering his calls etc. I don’t feel I can tell her to stop treating MBF badly as I don’t want to make a big deal of it and mess up his chances for the future. She’s flirted with MBF for years, and when it comes to fruition, she stops taking his calls. But I owe her an apology, and I am not being a true friend to her if I don’t tell her what’s really causing my annoyance at her.

 

I have never once snapped at her in 15 years of friendship – note to all on FWB board – this is what it does to your other friends. I odnt know if i can be honest for fear of causing MBF more harm, but if i dont, i am not being true to FBF.