If he ever tries to email me, this is the automatically generated response.

[MissTakes]

Since my xAP and I have a business meeting coming up in August that we will both be at, I decided I wanted to have planned out a response if he tried to get in contact with me before then. I highly recommend this for anyone else who is NC - writing this was incredibly therapeutic!!

 

Dear xAP--

 

You probably aren't expecting this. You've figured out by now that I was quite serious when I said that I never wanted to speak to you again, and you're probably relieved. If I was saying this to your face, you'd try to pretend that you've been worrying about me, that you've been thinking about me a lot. Let me stop you right there: Don't bother. I won't believe you, and even if I did, I wouldn't care. For the record, I'

m

not responding to you now. This is an automatically generated response.

 

I have no illusions about what happened between us anymore. Getting you out of my head and my life has finally helped me see clearly, and see you for what you are: a narcissist. You know what you have going for you, and you use it to take advantage of the respect that beautiful, impressionable young women have for you, as well as the trust that your wife has in you. I was surely not the first to fall for your bull****, and there's absolutely no way I will be the last. You have no concept of boundaries, and seemingly, no sense of morality.

 

You can't explain this away, xAP. I didn't happen to you, and neither did your life, and neither did your wife. You are no one's victim. You can't blame anyone for the choices that you've made to bring you to this point. Frankly, I would be surprised if you would even choose differently, given the chance.

 

Around you, I was someone and something that I hated. Why on earth would you ask me to stay in a situation like that? Because you are selfish. Because no matter how much you try to tell yourself that you cared about me, that you couldn't resist me, the truth is that what you couldn't resist was my awe of you. You were enamored of the secret you got to keep: that a smart, successful, sexy, talented young woman saw something in you. You probably grew up feeling pretty... well, not special. Living in your brother's shadow. You were probably always "his little brother," and you probably blamed the fact that he was older and more attractive. Guess what? That's not what it is. Everyone loves your brother because he is

so

incredibly good that he can't even imagine the kinds of terrible things you do. That's why he never suspected what was going on between us. That is why he casts such a long shadow. My friendship with your brother is the one redeeming piece of my past with you.

 

I will see you in August, in all likelihood. You will probably be busy,

so

maybe it won't be more than in passing. And if that's it, good. Don't make an effort to try to talk with me more than that. There is nothing left to say between us. Oh, and besides my best friend? My coworker, who is coming to that meeting with me, knows everything. And she hates you.

So

my advice? Stay away. Because if you try to pull any bull****, she won't be the only one marching up to your wife to tell her the truth. I'll be right behind her.

 

Get over yourself and stop bothering me,

MissTakes

[sunburned]

That is a great letter. I just cannot help but think you should not send it. I realize it will only trigger if he emails first, but I wonder if it will play right into his narcissistic personality. You have obviously been thinking a lot about him, at least that is how he will take it. I don't know your back story but I think I would just reply if he does email you that all you want is to continue no contact and that your co worker knows the entire story and will have your back.

[jwi71]

I wouldn't send it - so I would say turn that off your auto-reply.

 

Just go silent. I do understand the need to take a parting shot or two - but its just petty.

 

Hold your head high and walk away - this just invites drama imo.

[beach]

I doubt he'd read all of it.

 

I'd think complete silence would send a more pertinent message.

 

I do love what you wrote though - it must have been therapeutic!

[SammySammy]

I agree with the others. I wouldn't send that. Even automatically. That reads like:

 

I'm hurt. I'm hurt. I'm hurt. I'm hurt. I'm hurt. I'm hurt. I'm hurt. I'm hurt. I'm hurt. I'm hurt. I'm hurt. I'm hurt. I'm hurt. I'm hurt. I'm hurt. I'm hurt. I'm hurt. I'm hurt. I'm hurt. I'm hurt. I'm hurt. I'm hurt. I'm hurt. I'm hurt. I'm hurt. I'm hurt. I'm hurt. I'm hurt. I'm hurt. I'm hurt. I'm hurt. I'm hurt. I'm hurt. I'm hurt. I'm hurt. I'm hurt. I'm hurt. I'm hurt. I'm hurt. I'm hurt. I'm hurt. I'm hurt. I'm hurt. I'm hurt. I'm hurt. I'm hurt. I'm hurt. I'm hurt. I'm hurt. I'm hurt. I'm hurt. I'm hurt. I'm hurt. I'm hurt. I'm hurt. I'm hurt. I'm hurt. I'm hurt. I'm hurt. I'm hurt. I'm hurt. I'm hurt. I'm hurt. I'm hurt. I'm hurt. I'm hurt. I'm hurt. I'm hurt. I'm hurt. I'm hurt. I'm hurt. I'm hurt. I'm hurt. I'm hurt. I'm hurt. I'm hurt. I'm hurt. I'm hurt. I'm hurt. I'm hurt.

 

Sincerely,

 

I'm hurt.

[whichwayisup]

Do not send it. Yes it's therapeutic and great to get off your chest what you'd say to him, but it's way too long, too detailed and honestly, since you two are in NC mode it's so pointless to waste such energy and thought into giving him shi.t

 

Sometimes silence says much more than words.

 

He may not contact you at all.

[ChasingHope]

Do not send it. Yes it's therapeutic and great to get off your chest what you'd say to him, but it's way too long, too detailed and honestly, since you two are in NC mode it's so pointless to waste such energy and thought into giving him shi.t

 

Sometimes silence says much more than words.

 

He may not contact you at all.

 

I would have to agree with this--these types of "goodbye" letters are great for articulating how you feel, but I think they should only be used as a therapeutic outlet. By sending a letter like this, you are only showing the exAP that you are still thinking about them, almost to a point where they may consider it obsessive, if only to stroke their own egos. Instead of feeling badly about how they treated the OW/OM, they feel vindicated for throwing out breadcrumbs. They aren't thinking about us, but we are clearly thinking about them.

 

Now imagine how it feels or felt when you reached out to the AP and they didn't respond--it hurt, it was embarrassing, and it made us think they didn't care anymore. I'm sure your silence, should he reach out, would most likely have some of the same effect. But more importantly, it shows that person you are moving on and can't be bothered to reply back.

Edited July 15, 2014 by ChasingHope
Grammer

[SunshineToday]

Honestly, that email. WAY too long.

 

Screams: I'm still hurt.

 

My opinion: do not send it!

Silence and ignore work wonders. Especially done repeatedly.

[Hope Shimmers]

Huge mistake if you send this.

 

Silence is much better.

 

Take it from a decade of learned experience.

[C00kie]

I agree with what's been said above. It was a great therapeutic letter that should be kept for you. Do not send it. He doesn't deserve the attention. And you can walk away with your head up high!

[Shadowburn]

Your letter is too long and overly dramatic, and it will make you look weak.

I am with those who propose to remain silent.

If you absolutely have to respond, short and sweet "F*** off" should suffice.

[MissTakes]

So, I took the advice from all of you on here, and didn't set up the auto-reply. Tempting, but I didn't want to encourage him or give him any ammunition!

 

Unfortunately... it didn't work out so well for me. At our meeting last week, I successfully ignored him for the first day and a half. The second night, though, he got drunk, and started badgering me, whining about the fact that I was being open and kind to all of our other coworkers but ignoring him. I essentially said, "Yup. I told you I never wanted to talk to you again. I'm not going to apologize for following through."

 

The third night, we ran into each other late, both a bit tipsy. I was completely exhausted at the time, and when he saw me, he stopped. "Are you okay?" That was all. I nearly crumbled. I just stood there as he tried to hug me, then turned and walked away. We ended up at the same group of people at the bar, which I couldn't handle, honestly. So I left. Of course, when I left, he followed me out, and I snapped.

 

"I'm exhausted, okay? I am so run down right now I can barely function. And the thing is, being angry with you takes a lot of energy, and right now, I just don't have the energy to expend to be angry with you, which pisses me off even MORE, because I WANT to be angry with you. I AM angry with you."

 

He asked me not to be mad at him. He doesn't want me to be mad at him. But finally, he relented. He said he wouldn't keep bothering me.

 

So why is it that I now feel so wrecked again?

[Mount]

Agree with the group, do not send. Silence is the best reaction.

 

Honestly, that email. WAY too long.

 

Screams: I'm still hurt.

 

My opinion: do not send it!

Silence and ignore work wonders. Especially done repeatedly.

[enya46]

So, I took the advice from all of you on here, and didn't set up the auto-reply. Tempting, but I didn't want to encourage him or give him any ammunition!

 

Unfortunately... it didn't work out so well for me. At our meeting last week, I successfully ignored him for the first day and a half. The second night, though, he got drunk, and started badgering me, whining about the fact that I was being open and kind to all of our other coworkers but ignoring him. I essentially said, "Yup. I told you I never wanted to talk to you again. I'm not going to apologize for following through."

 

The third night, we ran into each other late, both a bit tipsy. I was completely exhausted at the time, and when he saw me, he stopped. "Are you okay?" That was all. I nearly crumbled. I just stood there as he tried to hug me, then turned and walked away. We ended up at the same group of people at the bar, which I couldn't handle, honestly. So I left. Of course, when I left, he followed me out, and I snapped.

 

"I'm exhausted, okay? I am so run down right now I can barely function. And the thing is, being angry with you takes a lot of energy, and right now, I just don't have the energy to expend to be angry with you, which pisses me off even MORE, because I WANT to be angry with you. I AM angry with you."

 

He asked me not to be mad at him. He doesn't want me to be mad at him. But finally, he relented. He said he wouldn't keep bothering me.

 

So why is it that I now feel so wrecked again?

 

MissTakes,

Being tipsy and trying to ignore a persistent xMM whom you obviouly still have feelings for, must be a very hard thing to do.

 

I am sure that, had you ever sent out that automatic reply you had written, the result would have been exactly the same.

 

He only thinks about himself and knows the effect he has on you.

 

What you told him after he walked after you, was clearly indicating him that you ARE NOT as angry as you would like to. You implied that you feeling exhausted had very much to do with him. You made it all about him.

 

His answer was an empty puppy eyes answer. Who wants others to be angry at them? Duh..

I know this very well from my MM. He also says things like: please don't be mad at me, or I don't want to hurt you....

 

MissTakes, you feel wrecked because he brought the feelings up again. You two had this tiny "conversation" and you saw him being "nice", worried about you.

 

Breathe in, get a good night's sleep and start thinking positive again, just like when you wrote that letter. Think about YOURSELF.

 

(((Hugs)))

 

E.

[Survivor12]

So, I took the advice from all of you on here, and didn't set up the auto-reply. Tempting, but I didn't want to encourage him or give him any ammunition!

 

Unfortunately... it didn't work out so well for me. At our meeting last week, I successfully ignored him for the first day and a half. The second night, though, he got drunk, and started badgering me, whining about the fact that I was being open and kind to all of our other coworkers but ignoring him. I essentially said, "Yup. I told you I never wanted to talk to you again. I'm not going to apologize for following through."

 

The third night, we ran into each other late, both a bit tipsy. I was completely exhausted at the time, and when he saw me, he stopped. "Are you okay?" That was all. I nearly crumbled. I just stood there as he tried to hug me, then turned and walked away. We ended up at the same group of people at the bar, which I couldn't handle, honestly. So I left. Of course, when I left, he followed me out, and I snapped.

 

"I'm exhausted, okay? I am so run down right now I can barely function. And the thing is, being angry with you takes a lot of energy, and right now, I just don't have the energy to expend to be angry with you, which pisses me off even MORE, because I WANT to be angry with you. I AM angry with you."

 

He asked me not to be mad at him. He doesn't want me to be mad at him. But finally, he relented. He said he wouldn't keep bothering me.

 

So why is it that I now feel so wrecked again?

 

Honestly, you may as well have said: "...being in love with you and pretending I'm not takes a lot of energy, and right now, I just don't have the energy to expend to pretend that I'm not in love with you, which pisses me off even MORE, because I WANT you to believe that I'm not in love with you, but I AM."

 

Feeling angry or even hatred does not negate the fact that you love him and want him to love you. Trying to pretend that you don't is futile because failure to convince yourself--or him--only exacerbates your frustration. The only way to get past it is to accept how you really feel, stop concerning yourself with what HE thinks and focus on doing what you need to do for yourself.

 

Example: You may love long walks in the woods but have a severe allergy to mosquito bites. The BEST way to prevent getting bit is to stay out of the woods, but instead, you try to convince yourself that since you don't WANT to be allergic, you can take a short hike and avoid being bitten. When that doesn't work, you use some bug repellant and wear dark clothing to convince the Mosquitos to stay away only to find out that the repellant isn't 100% effective--and you get bit. Despite all your efforts and your anger toward both the mosquito and your allergy, the fact remains that the BEST way to avoid having a severe allergic reaction is TO STAY AWAY FROM THE WOODS!

 

I think my analogy is clear, but if not, I will spell it out--Just because you don't WANT to feel as you do about this guy and that it angers you that you do, the truth is that the BEST thing is to STAY AWAY FROM HIM. Stop trying to convince him that you don't care and expecting him to stay away or make you feel better. It's up to you to protect yourself, and the BEST way to do that is to avoid situations where you will encounter him--at least until you have given yourself time to really move on.

[MissTakes]

MissTakes, you feel wrecked because he brought the feelings up again. You two had this tiny "conversation" and you saw him being "nice", worried about you.

 

Breathe in, get a good night's sleep and start thinking positive again, just like when you wrote that letter. Think about YOURSELF.

 

 

Thanks for the reminder, enya. It's a day-to-day process, I guess. I made it through yesterday, I'll make it through today. I AM amazing, and he IS a piece of crap!

 

It's not like I'm trying to give him a chance to get under my skin, either. I knew I was going to see him at this conference, and I did my best to avoid him. When I couldn't, I reiterated that I didn't want to see him. The ONE TIME he catches and I knew my guard was down, I left. I'm not trying to put myself in potentially bad situations here - that is, I'm not trying to convince myself that I'm not allergic to mosquitos so that I can go on a hike anyway. I did everything I could think to do to avoid him, and had to interact with him anyway. Which just sucks.

[sunburned]

I'm sorry you are feeling bad about all this again. I don't think you handled it as poorly as everyone else seems to thing you did. You stuck to your guns about him leaving you alone. You speech on being angry may have been a little too cute and a narcissist could have taken some satisfaction in that, but so what? You didn't hang out with him at the bar, you didn't go back to his room, you didn't get tearful and mushy in the corridors. It would have been great if you didn't speak to him at all, but sounds like it may have been impossible given the setting. From here on, I hope you can go NC.

 

I cannot tell you how many brilliant soliloquies I played in my head for ending my A many months ago. I delivered a couple and they were epic fails. When I was mad enough and serious enough, I chose silence. It worked.

[hello234]

Hey, I'm with others... You sending that long and detailed email just shows that you are still obsessing over him and that he is very important to you..You think him reading that will make you look smart or as if YOU kicked him to the curb, but he won't care.. He might even be reading it and getting amused and who knows, might even laugh at how dramatic It is.. SO yeah, listen to others about the silence, act truly that you don't care...I am doing the same now with mine..I ended it and I didn't even reply to his last email and I never contact him myself... and he ends up coming back.. I don't want him to feel bad though, but I think like, whats the point in me going to him? Its the same cycle over and over.. he eventually goes back to his wife and has a life of his own

 

So I am doing the silence method..BTW why does everyone feel silence is the best way to go? What does it show? What message does it send that a long email or words expressed via email or to AP's face fail to send?

[Donesharing]

So I am doing the silence method..BTW why does everyone feel silence is the best way to go? What does it show? What message does it send that a long email or words expressed via email or to AP's face fail to send?

 

I would like to know the answer to this as well. What does the silence really do to them. Especially, if they make it seem like that want you to go away?

[whatatangledweb]

I would like to know the answer to this as well. What does the silence really do to them. Especially, if they make it seem like that want you to go away?

 

I will tell you what my husband said about the silence. He said it was a relief. That it felt like a huge burden had been lifted off his shoulders.

 

I don't say this to be hurtful. I am only giving you the answer I was given after asking didn't he missed her as he had talked with her every day all day long..either texting , im's, emails,or calls . I explained about missing a good friend of mine (female) that I no longer spoke to after many years of daily contact after a fallout. That I would think he would at least miss some of that. The above was the answer he gave me.

[Donesharing]

I will tell you what my husband said about the silence. He said it was a relief. That it felt like a huge burden had been lifted off his shoulders.

 

I don't say this to be hurtful. I am only giving you the answer I was given after asking didn't he missed her as he had talked with her every day all day long..either texting , im's, emails,or calls . I explained about missing a good friend of mine (female) that I no longer spoke to after many years of daily contact after a fallout. That I would think he would at least miss some of that. The above was the answer he gave me.

 

I can understand him saying that to you if you were the BW. Seems they will tell you what you want to hear. But, the way the silence is described here, isn't for their benefit, it is for the OW/OM, and them being able to pick up the pieces of their own lives.

[MatchStick]

This is a great letter......and perhaps shouldn't be sent. I have learned, especially with guys, less is better. If you MUST write a criticism, keep it to a skeleton minimalist. I did an auto-reply once: it said:

 

 

'recipient is unavailable'.

 

 

What I did was a process of reining it in. You can point out your 2 cents worth, however, it kind of is really too late. If this guy was going to do anything about his psychology, he would have already done so. When you are walking away, he is on his own. Deep breath, chill down, the story is done, you did your very best, he's had your time and energy and now he doesn't deserve another second............

 

 

Take care of you. You are now free, have options, and can explore the path to many other healthy relations, all of whom will appreciate you.

[gettingstronger]

Quote:

Originally Posted by hello234

So I am doing the silence method..BTW why does everyone feel silence is the best way to go? What does it show? What message does it send that a long email or words expressed via email or to AP's face fail to send?

 

 

 

My husband said the same as tangled but I think what's more important is what it does for you. Hopefully it gives you clarity and the start of peace and healing.

[Bootsie]

...

..BTW why does everyone feel silence is the best way to go? What does it show? What message does it send that a long email or words expressed via email or to AP's face fail to send?

 

I would like to know the answer to this as well. What does the silence really do to them. Especially, if they make it seem like that want you to go away?

 

I will tell you what my husband said about the silence. He said it was a relief. That it felt like a huge burden had been lifted off his shoulders.

 

....

 

I can understand him saying that to you if you were the BW. Seems they will tell you what you want to hear. But, the way the silence is described here, isn't for their benefit, it is for the OW/OM, and them being able to pick up the pieces of their own lives.

 

 

My husband said the same as tangled but I think what's more important is what it does for you. .

 

 

No contact (NC) or silence can be instigated by either party to the affair. If the OW instigates it then it's for her own benefit, perhaps as a way of getting herself out of a toxic relationship.

 

 

If the MM instigates it then it's often for the benefit of his marriage. Often it is part of the agreement between the BW and the WH as part of their attempts to reconcile and rebuild their marriage. It can also be seen as his way of getting himself out of a toxic relationship.

 

 

I would guess that it is devastating to the party who doesn't instigate NC to have the other go NC on them. I imagine it is also sometimes difficult for the party that instigates it because often it represents such a change.

 

 

However it isn't always difficult to the party that instigates NC. My WH also felt a sense of relief. He wasn't just saying what he thought I wanted to hear, after all I had heard a lot worse than that.

 

 

His general behaviour after D-day was showing that a huge burden had been lifted from him in no longer feeling he had to juggle 2 women. He admitted (to me after D-day) his aim was to keep both the A and our M going but it had become increasingly difficult with her wanting more. My behaviour of course demonstrated utter devastation and I was totally crushed, no longer wanting to be alive in fact. I imagine his OW was also upset, but she at least had known what she was getting into and must have realised how dishonest he was being.

[MatchStick]

Quote:

Originally Posted by hello234

So I am doing the silence method..BTW why does everyone feel silence is the best way to go? What does it show? What message does it send that a long email or words expressed via email or to AP's face fail to send?

 

 

 

My husband said the same as tangled but I think what's more important is what it does for you. Hopefully it gives you clarity and the start of peace and healing.

 

 

There are many articles about NC on the web. My favorite is from Baggage Reclaim. For me, going NC:

a. My xMM was 'discovered'. We were not physical. However, he and I were interested in each other (I'm married too.....and could have continued low-contact for a long time as I always did strike for just friends). He had been having problems with BS for a long, long time. I think he has personal problems too. He has agreed to reconcile with her, and let me tell you, I hear bull about his 'sudden' awakening to understanding her. Ok, bottom line is that she put it to him: we get on track or get separated. I know he's mollifying her in getting on track. He wanted to keep writing, and in contact. Did call like three months later, and I didn't answer.

b. every contact closed my options. Do you think it would be appropriate for me to attend his son's wedding? (not too long ago). I don't carry around his baggage of marital unhappiness.

c. These guys, or these situations, have a way of getting to you. I've read its easy to get sucked back into the dynamics of the relation. NC helps disconnect.

d. NC helped me to grieve the end of a relation, gain some clarity and sanity, reaffirm that his kind of relation is something, or a relation on these terms, I didn't want.

e. NC is freeing. There was a real downside to this xMM, and his 'stuff' was no longer a concern. Not to be cold, but NC helps you let their emotions and psychologies go. I was a friend, and at the moment of NC, I had done my best and the rest is on them.

f. If I didn't go NC, I'm saying "Walk all over me" and lose all credibility. If he wants to stay with W, fine! But he can't come at me again, ever, with his self-professed great attraction. I don't want to spend time fighting him off or being the bad guy. He needs, and didn't show, being responsible for his own emotions and sexuality. Hell if I'm going to.

g. There is always, and would always be, a third person in this dynamic: W. Didn't sign up for a relation with her. And her, not with me.

 

 

you'll find plenty of good reasons for NC. It really does help to end things that perhaps should end.