missjuli Posted July 14, 2014 Share Posted July 14, 2014 Just sharing my experience here. I got married to a decent guy last June even though I wasn't really in love with him. I wanted security and stability. Well I left him almost 3 months ago and now I don't have security or stability. I was working 2 jobs and doing a musical. Then I hurt my back and now I'm unable to work and I had to drop out of the show. I live with a new boyfriend. He has some financial struggles but I'm in love with him. He's the antithesis of my ex. I know this is sort of skeletal but here it is. Hope some of you can relate. Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted July 14, 2014 Share Posted July 14, 2014 I got married to a decent guy last June even though I wasn't really in love with him. I wanted security and stability. Your priorities back then were security and stability. Now your priority is love. And, what experience is it that you're sharing exactly here? Do you feel better, do old anxieties hold you back...? Maybe your BF will take care of you, maybe he won't. Your ex most certainly won't. Link to post Share on other sites
Dspawn76 Posted July 15, 2014 Share Posted July 15, 2014 "Hope some of you can relate" nope. I think it's only right to marry someone YOU LOVE... and you know what? i'm sure you were telling him that all the time too. You REALLY sound like you got the "I love you but I'm not IN LOVE with you" going on. Can't help but to say this one stinks. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
karnak Posted July 15, 2014 Share Posted July 15, 2014 (edited) I guess I know what you probably want to imply, concerning your experiences. Many guys (I suspect this "need for security + stability" is way more common in women than in men) marry a woman thinking that she's really in love with them. Alas, most times than not, she just thinks he's a decent enough guy, able to support a family and raise kids. And even though she's not "in love with him" she hopes love will come with time. Unfortunately, time passes. Kids come. Sex loses its appeal and still no "true love" in sight. That's when frustration comes in. Then resentment. Sometimes infidelity. And then divorce. I've met some women (about 4 I'd guess - maybe too small a number, who knows) who confessed to me that they felt they were never really in love with their husbands. But they married because they were afraid of being alone, wanted to get out of parental home or afraid they'd be too old to raise a family if they didn't got married. It's sad to say that, in all 4 cases I suspect they never told their ex-husbands the real reasons for divorce. They were ashamed of admiting that despite being married in the church and saying the "love you till death do us part" vows, they were never really in love with them. Edited July 15, 2014 by karnak 7 Link to post Share on other sites
HereNorThere Posted July 23, 2014 Share Posted July 23, 2014 The real question is, why on earth would you jump into a new relationship so soon? Am I the only person who thinks that's odd? 6 Link to post Share on other sites
SammySammy Posted July 23, 2014 Share Posted July 23, 2014 That has to be tough for her ex-husband to deal with. Poor guy. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted July 23, 2014 Share Posted July 23, 2014 Okay, so you left your husband and your marriage for another man (and don't say that you didn't. Because, no one jumps out of the security and stability of a marriage; moves in with another man and claims that she's in love with him all within the span of 90 days. There was something there, you just thought it was going to be better). So, what exactly are you looking for here? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted July 24, 2014 Share Posted July 24, 2014 That has to be tough for her ex-husband to deal with. Poor guy. I feel for the husband too but if the OP didn't love him then the kindest thing she could do was to leave him. Sure he's very hurt now but he will recover and he deserves to be free to find a woman who is madly in love with him. OP I think you need to take a break from men and start making a plan for your life. You need to take steps to become emotionally and financially independent. Once you learn total self reliance you will be much better at choosing a life partner. Link to post Share on other sites
Justanaverageguy Posted July 24, 2014 Share Posted July 24, 2014 (edited) Just sharing my experience here. I got married to a decent guy last June even though I wasn't really in love with him. I wanted security and stability. Well I left him almost 3 months ago and now I don't have security or stability. I was working 2 jobs and doing a musical. Then I hurt my back and now I'm unable to work and I had to drop out of the show. I live with a new boyfriend. He has some financial struggles but I'm in love with him. He's the antithesis of my ex. I know this is sort of skeletal but here it is. Hope some of you can relate. Hi Juli, Without being funny.... you could be my ex wife! No - your personal details are different but your relationship story is almost identical to what happened to me ..... only I was obviously on the receiving end. I find it interesting because after this happened to me ... I did a lot of research into women and the way modern relationships are evolving. This is actually becoming such a common thing these days there is quite a bit of interesting reading on why this is becoming a trend with women. Because your story is so similar to mine can you humor me and answer a few questions honestly ? Sorry this is just for my own personal research. Can I ask what your age is ?? If I may guess I'm thinking somewhere in the region of mid to late 20's to early 30's. (my ex was 28 and I tend to find that is the sweet spot for this kind of thing to happen with women - but you might be a year or two either side.) When you first got together with your husband ... did you love him and then over time feel like you fell out of love with him ? Would you say it felt like you had fallen into an almost brother sister relationship where the "attraction" and "love" had faded but you still felt a strong attachment to him ? I would call this a "security blanket" relationship. Before you left your husband did you start to feel weird about having sex with him ? Did you feel unattracted to him and start actively trying to avoid sex and intimacy with him ? Did it feel like your new partner had awoken your feelings of sexual desire when you met him. Did you then had an affair with the man you are with now and then decide to leave your husband to be with him ? When you got together with your new partner did you experience feelings of love you had never experienced before .... you felt alive again and like he was the type of partner you had always wanted ? Would you say it feels like you have found your "soul mate" ? Sorry if those are random questions but I am genuinely interested in your responses to see how they stack up against my partners and the research I did. Edited July 24, 2014 by Justanaverageguy Link to post Share on other sites
Justanaverageguy Posted July 24, 2014 Share Posted July 24, 2014 (edited) Sorry couple more Q's I thought of - How long were you together with your husband ? (Sweet spot for this is around 4-5 years but can also be a longer) This ones a bit harsh but - Do you to some extent blame your husband for you leaving him to be with this other man ? Would you say their was something in the relationship you decided he wasn't giving you or doing that you needed ? (EG: not attentive enough, worked too much, drinking too much, not helping around the house enougt... you get the idea) Oh and one more completely random question .... did you recently - say in the year leading up to your separation from your husband - either go off your birth control pill or change to a different type of pill ? (Maybe because you had experienced it not working properly, some bad side effects or because your doctor recommended) That's questions is a bit of a long shot... but thought it was worth while including. Edited July 24, 2014 by Justanaverageguy Link to post Share on other sites
SuperGeek Posted July 27, 2014 Share Posted July 27, 2014 (edited) Hi Juli, Without being funny.... you could be my ex wife! No - your personal details are different but your relationship story is almost identical to what happened to me ..... only I was obviously on the receiving end. . Same thing happened to me as well about 3.5 years ago. Thankfully she told me before we had kids or any other permanent plans made. I'm over my ex and have had a few relationships since my ex, but my ability to trust has not fully recovered. I was actually quite in love with my ex, and when she told me it had all been a complete lie, a large nice part of me died. Some of that has been healed, but some has remained dead and is too scared to take that plunge again into marriage or even cohabitation. Perhaps i will feel different one day. Perhaps i'll meet a girl that can somehow tear down my wall of skepticism and distrust that developed from the pain of my first marriage. There is still hope on my end, but it's far more in check with reality than it was in my 20s. I approach relationships with a LOT more caution now than in my past. This same situation has also happened to a few of my high school friends, relatives, and many coworkers. All of them have it much worse than i do (kids, alimony, CS, etc). There is definately a trend going on. SuperGeek Edited July 27, 2014 by SuperGeek Link to post Share on other sites
Poppygoodwill Posted July 27, 2014 Share Posted July 27, 2014 I know it's horrible for her ex husband, but I have to say it's better she left him so early in the marriage, than went on living a lie and letting him believe it for years and years before finally having an affair or dumping him. Or worse: just being an unhappy person who won't leave and making her husband miserable along with her. Yes, it hurts to be dumped, but at least he's out of it and free to make his own way and find osmeone who does love him. It couldn't have been easy for her to leave such a young marriage. surely many people in family and friends would have given her grief for it. So she does deserve some respect for having hte courage to walk away if it wasn't right. Hard to do, but better for her ex in the long run I think. Link to post Share on other sites
mikethemechanic Posted July 28, 2014 Share Posted July 28, 2014 Some people think that the truth can be hidden with make-up and jewelry. But as time goes truth is revealed and what is fake fades away. Including fake people. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
TheBladeRunner Posted July 28, 2014 Share Posted July 28, 2014 The real question is, why on earth would you jump into a new relationship so soon? Am I the only person who thinks that's odd? Lemme' answer this for you: 1. She needs someone else to pay her bills 2. ....Well, she needs someone else to pay her bills; I doubt love has anything to do with it. Link to post Share on other sites
TouchedByViolet Posted July 28, 2014 Share Posted July 28, 2014 The real question is, why on earth would you jump into a new relationship so soon? Am I the only person who thinks that's odd? She wasn't in love. She had no real emotional commitment to her marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted July 28, 2014 Share Posted July 28, 2014 This is far more common than people think. Most of my friends married like that and openly admit it. I feel sadness for them and their husbands. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Justanaverageguy Posted July 29, 2014 Share Posted July 29, 2014 The real question is, why on earth would you jump into a new relationship so soon? Am I the only person who thinks that's odd? Lemme' answer this for you: 1. She needs someone else to pay her bills 2. ....Well, she needs someone else to pay her bills; I doubt love has anything to do with it. I disagree completely - had nothing to do with Money. If she just needed someone to pay her bills she would have stayed with the original partner. She already said he made more money then the new guy who has financial problems. Juli would tell you this is all about love. Its not at all. Its all about sex and the fact she was bored in her old relationship, sex life was probably stale and this new romeo came along and swept her off her feet and her panties off with it. I would place a bet that she did not decide to leave her husband and then meet this guy and jump straight into a new relationship. She had already started the relationship and cheated on her husband with the new guy. She then decided to leave her husband to be with him. I mean she already said - she didn't really love her husband when she got married - but she went through with it. So why now would she just decide to leave 9 months later and have to deal with all the fall out with friends and family and the loss of financial security ?? She did it for love of course. (Vomit) She would say (and at the moment believes) this is love .... but lets be real and call it what it is .... its infatuation and sex plain and simple. Unfortunately for Juli she's in for a rude shock that those powerful emotions she feel for the new guyat the start of a relationship are going to fade pretty quickly and soon enough shes going to be asking herself .... wtf did I do ? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
karnak Posted July 29, 2014 Share Posted July 29, 2014 She would say (and at the moment believes) this is love .... but lets be real and call it what it is .... its infatuation and sex plain and simple. Unfortunately for Juli she's in for a rude shock that those powerful emotions she feel for the new guyat the start of a relationship are going to fade pretty quickly and soon enough shes going to be asking herself .... wtf did I do ? Probably, she wouldn't really be wasting time wondering what went wrong in her relationship. She would just "shrug it" and embark on a new adventure. Some time ago, in another thread, a poster said that most people have an emotional approach to relationships similar to that of a cat. Meaning that most people don't really care much about the effect that their actions have on the emotions and lives of other people. Even though this line of thinking may seem a bit extreme, events in these last years seem to point in that way. 2 friends of mine got divorced last year. When I asked both of them to reflect upon their marriages and the reasons why it had collapsed, both of them seemed to "block". They just didn't manage to reflect upon the past and decide wether their marriage had been a solid and happy one and wether they had learned something with the experience. They seemed like cats, in fact... just living life without really wondering what life is really about. Link to post Share on other sites
SuperGeek Posted July 29, 2014 Share Posted July 29, 2014 (edited) I know it's horrible for her ex husband, but I have to say it's better she left him so early in the marriage, than went on living a lie and letting him believe it for years and years before finally having an affair or dumping him. Or worse: just being an unhappy person who won't leave and making her husband miserable along with her. I completely agree with you. It IS good she left him instead of living a lie for another 5 years like my ex did to me. I can't get those years back and the damage it did to me seems to be hard to get over (trust issues). He probably wouldn't have even noticed either if she had just kept the charade going. I don't know if she deserves credit for leaving, because she never wanted him to begin with. I would even boldly say that she used him and lied (she lied about her lack of feelings toward him). One thing is for certain though, her departure was guaranteed at some point. Perople who hook up with someone they don't like have already thought about the conditions that need to be met in order to leave. What I would like to know is why someone would willingly get married to someone they KNOW beforehand they don't want to be with long term?????? This is a very common thing apparently told to me by numerous divorced coworkers, friends, etc. Why are people willing to roll the dice and make all these permanent decisions with people they really don't even want to be with??? Edit: I do want to say I give Juli credit for ending it after 6 months. That guy has his life back. I'm envious of that guy actually. Edited July 29, 2014 by SuperGeek 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Justanaverageguy Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 What I would like to know is why someone would willingly get married to someone they KNOW beforehand they don't want to be with long term?????? This is a very common thing apparently told to me by numerous divorced coworkers, friends, etc. Why are people willing to roll the dice and make all these permanent decisions with people they really don't even want to be with??? Edit: I do want to say I give Juli credit for ending it after 6 months. That guy has his life back. I'm envious of that guy actually. Don't give her credit for anything. If the new guy hadn't come along she would still be with her ex and using him for financial security waiting for something better to come along. She did not leave to do something honorable .... she did it because she left him to be with another man. My guess is she had absolutely zero regard for her husbands feelings in this action - only thinking about number 1. Also I may be wrong - but honestly I don't think either Juli or your divorced friends were "never" in love with their previous long term partners. That's what they tell themselves after they fall head over heals for some new guy that waltzed into their lives. They feel like they have been struck by lightning and now they know what "real love" is. Its crap ... people just have short memories and they forget in the beginning they had the same feelings for their original partner. 4-5-6-7 years on when the passion is gone from the relationship and they can't remember the lust they had in the beginning - they think they have found gold. These types of people find out eventually that it doesn't last. Link to post Share on other sites
soccerrprp Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 Love it when the original poster disappears! It's hard to take such threads seriously. It sounds sensationalized to me, though not unheard of. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Justanaverageguy Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 Love it when the original poster disappears! It's hard to take such threads seriously. It sounds sensationalized to me, though not unheard of. Yeah I actually wanted to hear back from her .... bit odd to just state that and then not reply. I see her previous posts in other threads she has mentioned this on more then one occasion so it seems legit. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 Nah, she read the thread. Didn't like what she saw, so she probably bolted. No one was telling her, "Aww.. sorry to hear about your situation and what you did to your Ex-husband. But you had to follow your heart!" Nah, she's not coming back. (although, everytime I write that last sentence, they usually come back. So, we'll see!) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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