Carol Posted February 12, 2001 Share Posted February 12, 2001 We are married He has a lady friend who was raped when she was small and regularly leans on him for comfort and support I will only be meeting her on Thursday night I am nervous to be in their company because they have discussed her fear for sex and men He has tried over 5 years to be close to her and show her men are not so bad and tried to hold her hand arm around her and kissing her on forehead taking her away for friendship weekends telling her he loves her He said he knows she needs all this affection I told him I am nervous to be in their company because of how protective he feels over her and even suggested he will ask her one night to sleep over even if I am overseas, on the couch or she can take our bed and he on the couch, providing her with a shower food night gown I felt a little left out He said he will help her whether I liked it or not and would visit or phone her if he wanted to and she is a nice girl Please give me advice on my insecurity It caused two rows already between us when I tried to explain my anxiety of her coming here and he would say I am talking nonsense and I would end up going to bed on my own with him asking me to come back He talks sex (in a joke) to this lady at work and used to post her pornographic material, posting it to her home and work address to make sure she gets it (she asked him for sex 2 years ago) He also used to have this married lady friend who he used to fuss and hug kiss and whispher and she would visit and in my company put her hand on his on his knee and not bother about me We have not seen her since because I walked out of their company leaving them in privacy Any comments? Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted February 12, 2001 Share Posted February 12, 2001 I think your husband is extremely disrepectful to you and his marriage. This thing with his friend who got raped has gone way overboard. After five years, he has become a codependent in this situation and is not serving her well at all. She needs counselling or pyschotherapy...not for your husband to be kissing and hugging all over her. That's just plain nuts. I think his involvement with the lady who was raped and all the others goes way beyond friendship. If your guy was this way before you got married, then you accepted this and will have to somehow work to modify it. If he became this way after you got married and he says he's unwilling to change, I strongly suggest you find another husband. Having a lady, any lady who is not a relative of his, stay at your home overnight while you are out of the country, is way out of line. You have real grounds to be upset about this. This is a pretty sick situation. Were there any details you left out of your post that we should know about? Link to post Share on other sites
ashesmum Posted February 13, 2001 Share Posted February 13, 2001 No respect! This dog has no respect for you. If you meant anything he would understand where you're coming from. And I think you have a right to feel the way you are. I had a friend in almost a same situation, everyone told her he was foolin around, but she was stupid and ignored it. They split up after another year. He was married the next year to this "good" friend. Tell him no cootchy coo and no flirtin and foolin around with other women. It makes you look stupid when he does it. And if you really think something is going on, why not set up a camera in the bedroom and living room where he can't see them. Say you're going out of town for a while for something, find out what happens. Just start standing up for yourself otherwise you deserve to being shoved down. Good luck. We are married He has a lady friend who was raped when she was small and regularly leans on him for comfort and support I will only be meeting her on Thursday night I am nervous to be in their company because they have discussed her fear for sex and men He has tried over 5 years to be close to her and show her men are not so bad and tried to hold her hand arm around her and kissing her on forehead taking her away for friendship weekends telling her he loves her He said he knows she needs all this affection I told him I am nervous to be in their company because of how protective he feels over her and even suggested he will ask her one night to sleep over even if I am overseas, on the couch or she can take our bed and he on the couch, providing her with a shower food night gown I felt a little left out He said he will help her whether I liked it or not and would visit or phone her if he wanted to and she is a nice girl Please give me advice on my insecurity It caused two rows already between us when I tried to explain my anxiety of her coming here and he would say I am talking nonsense and I would end up going to bed on my own with him asking me to come back He talks sex (in a joke) to this lady at work and used to post her pornographic material, posting it to her home and work address to make sure she gets it (she asked him for sex 2 years ago) He also used to have this married lady friend who he used to fuss and hug kiss and whispher and she would visit and in my company put her hand on his on his knee and not bother about me We have not seen her since because I walked out of their company leaving them in privacy Any comments? Link to post Share on other sites
Carol Posted February 13, 2001 Share Posted February 13, 2001 Thanks for your support I really appreciate it He even shouted at me (not too loudly) about her sleeping over and now says SHE NEVER HAS AND NEVER WILL Yes I feel it is way out of line Ever since I have been here (3 months now) we met on the internet and spoke for 4 months she was only here with the wedding (it is almost as if she is hiding something or is shy to be friends in front of me) I tried to tell him of my insecure feelings but all he says is I do not understand it It is his behaviour with her he has spoken about and I cannot understand his fierce defending behaviour even if I mention her name He gets extremely defensive and says I will help her whether you like it or not I really feel left out He had a lady friend also and he used to play with her when he leaves her house eg kissing on the neck hugging if it was not for your husband I would marry you and mmmmwwwwoooaaa audible kissing pushing her with his stomach in the passage trapping her at the front door (this is when I was still newly here) and the first time she visited he said to me don't be jealous I am going to give her a big kiss Apparently she used to sit with him and hold his hand and I do not know what else and her husband did nothing about it(he always said if it is not sex it is ok) My husband told me how he jokes with this lady at work saying Oh your hair is ruffled you could not have slept alone last night come on and he talks sex with her and tells me it is just fun This very lady asked him for sex 2 years ago He always says "she is too old for me" He mentioned her name last night and I wanted to say to him why don;t you invite her around but I do not know if my willingness to test their relationship and having them both in front of me will be a good idea I felt it would because she could get to see and hear me and he could also and perhaps he and her would have more respect for me Thanks for hearing me out I wish I could get him to see my view of things Perhaps this girl who was raped coming here on thursday night will be a changed relationship because I am present and I hope he will not put me down a little by fussing all over her like he has described his need to Thanks once again I think your husband is extremely disrepectful to you and his marriage. This thing with his friend who got raped has gone way overboard. After five years, he has become a codependent in this situation and is not serving her well at all. She needs counselling or pyschotherapy...not for your husband to be kissing and hugging all over her. That's just plain nuts. I think his involvement with the lady who was raped and all the others goes way beyond friendship. If your guy was this way before you got married, then you accepted this and will have to somehow work to modify it. If he became this way after you got married and he says he's unwilling to change, I strongly suggest you find another husband. Having a lady, any lady who is not a relative of his, stay at your home overnight while you are out of the country, is way out of line. You have real grounds to be upset about this. This is a pretty sick situation. Were there any details you left out of your post that we should know about? Link to post Share on other sites
Carol Posted February 13, 2001 Share Posted February 13, 2001 I agree I feel that he should have more respect for me Perhaps when she visits on thursday night their intense attraction will change because I am present It will be the first time that I see them together because she was only with the wedding It sounds like she was codependent on him This will certainly change while I am around He talks sex talk to this woman at work and teases her and I am thinking of asking him to invite her around so that she can meet me and I can see her face to face and him and her in my company and he can perhaps get a different feeling about the relationship between him and her He seems to think when there is no sex between him and a lady he can do almost anything Thanks for supporting me I really need it No respect! This dog has no respect for you. If you meant anything he would understand where you're coming from. And I think you have a right to feel the way you are. I had a friend in almost a same situation, everyone told her he was foolin around, but she was stupid and ignored it. They split up after another year. He was married the next year to this "good" friend. Tell him no cootchy coo and no flirtin and foolin around with other women. It makes you look stupid when he does it. And if you really think something is going on, why not set up a camera in the bedroom and living room where he can't see them. Say you're going out of town for a while for something, find out what happens. Just start standing up for yourself otherwise you deserve to being shoved down. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Carol Posted February 13, 2001 Share Posted February 13, 2001 He knew this lady way long before me Tony, why would he go with her away on a weekend to a virtually deserted beach and share a house with her Do you think he perhaps had hopes of her forgetting everything and perhaps sharing herself with him He said that they had seperate showers and beds and if she did not want sex OK for him He seems so fiercely protective over her and I cannot even mention her name and he sees red Thanks for your support I hope you will write again I think your husband is extremely disrepectful to you and his marriage. This thing with his friend who got raped has gone way overboard. After five years, he has become a codependent in this situation and is not serving her well at all. She needs counselling or pyschotherapy...not for your husband to be kissing and hugging all over her. That's just plain nuts. I think his involvement with the lady who was raped and all the others goes way beyond friendship. If your guy was this way before you got married, then you accepted this and will have to somehow work to modify it. If he became this way after you got married and he says he's unwilling to change, I strongly suggest you find another husband. Having a lady, any lady who is not a relative of his, stay at your home overnight while you are out of the country, is way out of line. You have real grounds to be upset about this. This is a pretty sick situation. Were there any details you left out of your post that we should know about? Link to post Share on other sites
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