I've allowed porn back into our home.

[FolderWife]

My husband was acting like a lunatic for a week (see other thread) and his weird behavior is usually directly linked to porn usage.

 

So I started snooping. I found porn...again.

 

I have been missing porn. I only had a taste of it, before we had to get it out of our house because of his apparent addiction. So I would watch movies with little sex scenes it them, because I missed porn. I had been considering letting porn back into our home, since our relationship has matured somewhat in the past year. However, I was DEATHLY afraid that he'd start up with lies and anger again.

 

Well, when I found the porn, I decided that it's over. There's nothing I can do about it any more. For the first 9 months of our marriage, I tried to live with it, but I couldn't. So for the second 9 months of our marriage, he tried to live without it, and apparently couldn’t.

 

So I decided that our marriage is great *unless he's hiding something* and our sex is better *unless he's hiding something* so since he was being so weird and grouchy because he's lying to me, I snooped around until I found it. Then, I walked right up to him, and handed it to him, and said, "You can keep this." He got angry at me, and told me to quit snooping.

 

I found it, so he’d know that I knew he had it, and didn’t care, so he’d stop being such a jerk.

 

I gave him some time to cool off, and told him that I don't care if he has it, because things have changed. I said, "If you can continue being the good husband that you were before the porn, and you can still have sex with me at least once a week, then I don't care what you do."

 

He said, "What's wrong with you?" I said, "Nothing! I am just trying to let you do what you want to do, and be what you want to be."

 

Then I went to the bedroom, and had a nice cry, because it isn't fair that he mistreats ME when HE'S the one breaking his promises.

 

He sat down, and we talked, and he said, "I'm sorry...I can't help it!" I said, "I understand, honey, because I've been wanting to watch a good porno too, but out of respect for the fact that I didn't want you to, I wouldn't. You had porn for a LONG time before you married me..." He said, "Yeah.." I continued, "So I understand that it's hard for you to give it up."

 

He said, "I can't help it...." I said, "I know." I told him that I didn't want him sneaking out of bed at 3a.m. to watch porn. I told him that I wanted him to still have sex with me at LEAST once a week.

 

So to avoid him lying to me, I'm going to try to get over it. Also, since we no longer have the internet, and access to TONS of porn, it might not be so bad...

 

A lot of stuff came out. He opened a Post Office Box at another post office to have the porn I found in December delivered to him I got MAD when I found that out, because I'm stuck doing all the business, because 'he doesn't have time to' yet he has time to open a Post Office Box, order porn, and pick it up!?!?!

 

that pissed me off. But, I realized that I would probably do the same thing if I wanted something, but he didn't want me to have it...so, we're not very different. I'm trying to realize that, and I'm going to try to get past porn...again. All I can do is try. It's either try something else, or get divorced, right? What we were trying wasn't working.

 

I have done EVERYTHING for him in bed, and he gets off EVERY TIME we have sex, so I know that his desire for porn has nothing to do with me. Also, I'm hot...I know it...so it's not the way I look. So I know that it has nothing to do with me. I have a desire to watch it too, so I understand how he feels.

 

He's been acting GREAT since I said that it's ok for him to watch it. So I'm thinking that his anger towards me wasn't because of the porn princesses, but because he knew that I didn’t approve. Or he was worried about getting caught

 

If his sex drive goes down again, though, I'm going to ask him to watch less porn. In the beginning of our marriage, I wanted sex ALL THE TIME. He didn't. I was po'd that he wouldn't have sex when I wanted, but he'd masterbate all the time. I was jealous.

 

Now, my drive has went down a lot *due to birth control mostly* so I won't want it as much, so I won't feel neglected.

 

I hope.

 

I'm trying to be logical. If I continue to disapprove, then he's going to continue to disappoint me. He's going to do it whether I like it or not, since he's not willing to go to counselling with me for it.

 

So like I said, try something else or leave him. I feel like once you make the committment of marriage, you should exhaust all options before considering divorce. So I'm trying another option. The first day after the 'permission' I was depressed because of all the sneaking and lying he did. But I understand. I dont' like it though. I don't like that my husband, who I am SUPPOSED to be able to trust would be such a sneak. But that's how it is, so live with it, or leave him.

 

I don’t think that I’m going to watch his movies, though, because I think it will add to my anxiety towards it. I’m going to order my own Some geared toward women That way, maybe if I don’t know what he’s watching, it won’t bother me.

[tiki]

Whoa.

 

Maybe the thrill of it all was him hiding it from you. Maybe once you 'legalize it' in your home (per se), then the temptation won't be there.

 

Can you not just compromise on the two of you watching it *together*? I know that when dealing with a serious addict, things are in a much different magnitude.

 

Whatever you decide, I wish you the best. I know you've struggled with it so much.

[FolderWife]

No, we can't watch it together. He likes to watch it alone...I like to watch it alone...we can watch it together once in a while for sex, but I don't want to see him watch it, for my own peace of mind...does that make any sense? I know he's watching it, but for now, I think it's better if I don't know what he's seeing at least until I get used to the idea.

 

He's a freaking retard though he watched it on MY TV!!! I went to my Mom's for the weekend, so I knew without a doubt he'd be jacking off until I got home. I arrived home, and was tired, so I took a two hour nap. When I woke up, I went downstairs to my TV, to watch a show I'd recorded, and my receiver was turned off, and my vcr/dvd player was set to DVD I don't turn my receiver off, because it's set to record certain shows I like, and if it's turned off, then it won't record. So HE turned it off, and HE set my dvd/vcr to DVD so it's not enough that he WATCHES it, but he has to watch it on MY TV!!!

 

But then I realized that he probably jacked off while I was napping, so he went downstairs so as not to have me sneak out of the bedroom and catch him.

 

He got a hard on as soon as I got home...I saw it poking through his pants. I was dressed sexy for him, and he got turned on. But since I was tired, I took a nap, so I guess he took care of himself. Which is fine, because I wasn't in the mood after I found out about the PO box thing

[tiki]

I would have never suspected (or even thought of) the p.o. box. I think that's what pisses me off the most.

 

Does dude not realize has has a SERIOUS addiction?! Has he considered getting inpatient help or something? Surely they have programs for that?!

[FolderWife]

I think he does know that he has a problem, but I think he thinks that if he's not really hurting anyone, that it should be ok. It is a SERIOUS addiction though.

 

The po box was opened in December. He'd gone 8 months without veiwing any hard core porn. So he opened a po box, ordered the porn, and then picked it up, and I found it three days later, because he was acting so grouchy and guilty.

 

This last time, he had a day off, and went to the video store to rent movies. (or to buy porn) while he was there, he went to the back room, and bought porn.

 

It's SO FUNNY, because when I got home, he said, "I rented some movies, come watch them." I said, "From the adult video store!?" he said, "Why did you say that!?" I said, "I don't know..." He said, "What made you say that!?" I said, "I don't know! I was just joking!"

 

He didn't go to the adult video store, but he HAD bought adult videos we both laughed after I found that out...I have some great instincts.

 

Seriously, if he wouldnt' act so weird and grouchy, I would never suspect porn! He acts SO GUILTY, that I know when he's THINKING about getting it!!!

[einahpets]

i have been through the same thing with my live-in bf. it has been a major issue in our relationship, basically the only issue. i love porn and i am ok with it being in our house. i will NOT tolerate lies, like you. if the person who is supposed to love you like no one else in the world lies to you, it is a problem. the internet was a huge issue for a while. we got viruses and we both agreed not to look at it on the comp. he continued to on the sly until our computer crashed. i found out that he has been hiding it (actual videos now) again. well at least it is not the internet. i am fine with him having vids as long as he doesn't lie.

 

i am very open about my porn viewing and masturbating, he is not comfortable with that. so i cleaned out a cabinet in our entertainment center and designated it solely for porn. so if one of us gets a new porn it goes in the cabinet. we can mention a new porn that we got if we want to, but we don't have to. so if he gets a new porn and feels uncomfortable mentioning it, he just puts it in the cabinet and thats it. i won't make him talk about it, i won't even bring it up. i love talking about porn he does not. fine, just don't lie. maybe something like this can work for you?

 

it is weird that even women who enjoy porn have issues in their relationships because of it. i can't understand why all these men would jepordize their sexual relationship with an actual woman to beat off to a woman he will never have.

[FolderWife]

GREAT HELP STEPHANIE!!! That is a magnificent idea. That way, he doesn't have to hide it, but he doesn't have to tell me about it either

 

I asked him not to waste any money on porn for a few months...since he now has 9 DVDs I said, "In September, you can buy some more...one DVD a month."

 

However, I'm thinking that isn't fair to him, because I'm going to buy myself one that's geared toward women, that way I won't be watching his, and getting insecure about his preference in porn.

 

I'm feeling suprisingly ok with this I'd been complaining on here that every time we have sex I feel guilty if I dont' get him off, so now, I don't have to feel guilty. If I want to stop, I can, because he can beat off to a movie

[einahpets]

great! i hope it helps. i was pretty impressed with my idea myself...

it has been working so far *crosses fingers*

i have more porn than he does because i am more open about it. our porn is very different. we have watched a few of each others porns (from the sacred cabinet ) and we really don't even like each others.

 

i think this will actually work for us. when we first started having problems i even bought porn for us. didn't work. offered to buy him the kind of porn he likes. his responce "uhh, i don't know. i'm trying not to look at it anymore". yeah right. told him to buy what ever he wants. continued to lie and hide it. but i figure the best way to have this be an open and honest part of our relationship is: not to pressure him to buy it in an effort to force him to be open about it, just let him buy what he wants at his own pace as long as it is introduced to the cabinet. who knows maybe we will stumble upon a common fetish in the cabinet one day.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Do you think part of the problems that you and he are having may be his perception that you feel you need to be in control of your marriage: including all aspects of his sexuality within the marriage?

 

I'm not saying that you are a control freak, but he may have the perception that you have some control issues and are stepping onto his boundaries as a result: which causes unspoken anger and buried hostility on his part, which in turn may explain his using porn and fantasy as an escape from that. He may see your perception of his "addiction" as nothing more than a label you put on your inability to have control over something you don't like and don't want him to do. Is he actually addicted? He may not see it that way.

 

The situation that stands out most to me is this one:

 

You get dressed sexily for when he comes home.

You note his hardon.

You then decide to take a nap instead.

You become frustrated that he chose to satisify himself.

Which didn't matter because you were angry and wasn't going to have sex with him anyway.

 

You used sex as a weapon. You made it a punishment/reward system - its no wonder its such a sore spot in your marriage. Your husband has turned to self-pleasure (and porn as a stimulus), because its the only way to have sex for just pleasure anymore. Sex with you appears to be a negotiation. A reward for being 'good' or withdrawal of it as punishment for being 'bad'. There are so many factors involved now, that its never a matter of just coming to bed with you for pure pleasure. There's so much more tied up into it now. Why go through an emotional rollercoaster for sexual pleasure, when you have the option of self-pleasure that is neither punishment nor reward but just raw sexual exertion and satisfaction and non-judgemental fantasy?

 

He sounds open to compromise, and you do too - but to some extent it strikes me that you tend to let some jealousy and insecurity issues push you into trying to wrestle control over those things you aren't comfortable with. Have you talked to him about the problems that your behavior causes him in addition to the problems that his behavior causes for you?

 

It sounds like he hides things from you because he probably figures that if he suggests that the problem might be more than just him and what he's doing, you're likely to not react too well to that.

 

I'm not saying you are bad, or wrong, or anything of the sort nor am I trying to minimize his part in this - but... if you want to solve a problem, you have to look at all possibilities and sides of it - even the sides you don't want to look at or realize that you may be a part of. Talk to your husband. Honestly. Don't make it be entirely "his problem" that he needs to "fix". Look at it as an opportunity for you both to work together to fix the issues that cause your problems.

[FolderWife]

You get dressed sexily for when he comes home.

You note his hardon.

You then decide to take a nap instead.

You become frustrated that he chose to satisify himself.

Which didn't matter because you were angry and wasn't going to have sex with him anyway.

 

no no no no no no no no no! I misrepresented myself. I came home from my moms. I slipped out of my dress, down to my underwear. He seemed excited when I came home. He came to the bedroom, where I was taking off my jewelry, and started talking to me. I noticed his hard on, but he didn't seem interested in anything more than talking, because he said, "Come in here!" and kept asking me questions. So I stopped taking off my jewelry, and went to the living room, where he sat on the Recliner (no room for me) and started playing playstation again. He said a race was coming on, and asked me if I wanted to watch with him.

 

I felt like if he was interested in sex, then he could've approached me. I just got home, and was tired, and didn't feel like rubbing up on him, and going down on him (which he pretty much requires to have sex with me if I want it, I have to work for it) I didn't feel like foreplaying him to death. He was the one with an erection...let him come on to me for thirty seconds if he wants sex.

 

But he didn't make any pass at me. The only inkling that he would be interested was the apparent hard on.

 

He wasted so much time on his playstation, and the race, that I got sleepy, even though I was TRYING to make myself available to him. So, I took a nap.

 

I'm too hot to BEG for it.

[FolderWife]

He sounds open to compromise,

 

Where do you see THAT at. I tried comprimising, and he got WAY WORSE, so I told him that I couldn't handle it, and porn had to go. Instead of comforting me, or saying he'd watch it less, or ANYTHING, he said, "Ok, I promise to never look at again," and did it behind my back.

 

Have you talked to him about the problems that your behavior causes him in addition to the problems that his behavior causes for you?

 

Are you kidding?? He said he liked to look at big breasts, so I got implants. He said that I only have sex when I want to, so I started having sex with him whenever, and however he wanted, and if he wanted it, but I was on the rag, I'd go down on him.

 

He always blamed it on me, and I'd change, and he'd find some other reason that it was my fault. This time, he flat out admitted that he can't stop himself.

 

It sounds like he hides things from you because he probably figures that if he suggests that the problem might be more than just him and what he's doing, you're likely to not react too well to that.

 

Again, every time he said that his sneaking and porning was my fault, I changed. It's definately him...I've done everything in my power to be all he needs...I'm just not enough.

 

I'm not saying you are bad, or wrong, or anything of the sort nor am I trying to minimize his part in this - but... if you want to solve a problem, you have to look at all possibilities and sides of it - even the sides you don't want to look at or realize that you may be a part of. Talk to your husband. Honestly. Don't make it be entirely "his problem" that he needs to "fix". Look at it as an opportunity for you both to work together to fix the issues that cause your problems.

 

I would LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE to do that, but read "Mr. Secretive" above...he won't talk to me!

[LucreziaBorgia]

Sorry to hear that.

 

Hopefully over time, things will find some sort of compromise between the two of you.