WhiskeyJack Posted July 15, 2014 Share Posted July 15, 2014 Ok so I am finally at a point post break up where I feel good with everything that happened, I'm happy to have moved on, and dealt with the issue I had with my last relationship. I'm doing really good in that aspect. What I'm having difficulties is re finding who I am as a person, an individual. From the time I was 17 (I'm 25 now) I have always been in a relationship, minus 2-5 month intervals of being single between relationships. I never really took time for myself while being single because I was distraught over the breakups and how to get them back. Now I just don't know who I am. I feel like in each of those relationships I was someone different every time. If someone where to ask me what I do for fun or what I enjoy doing or what my hobbies are, I wouldn't know what to say. I don't really know. If I get asked my interests are, I'm at a loss for words. How can I fix this? I know I need to find myself again. But I don't know how, or even where to start. I would love to hear any suggestions, or anything at all that might help steer me in the right direction. Thanks! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
littleplanet Posted July 15, 2014 Share Posted July 15, 2014 Ok so I am finally at a point post break up where I feel good with everything that happened, I'm happy to have moved on, and dealt with the issue I had with my last relationship. I'm doing really good in that aspect. What I'm having difficulties is re finding who I am as a person, an individual. From the time I was 17 (I'm 25 now) I have always been in a relationship, minus 2-5 month intervals of being single between relationships. I never really took time for myself while being single because I was distraught over the breakups and how to get them back. Now I just don't know who I am. I feel like in each of those relationships I was someone different every time. If someone where to ask me what I do for fun or what I enjoy doing or what my hobbies are, I wouldn't know what to say. I don't really know. If I get asked my interests are, I'm at a loss for words. How can I fix this? I know I need to find myself again. But I don't know how, or even where to start. I would love to hear any suggestions, or anything at all that might help steer me in the right direction. Thanks! Well, the obvious pattern in your story is that you defined yourself by relationships. And if you've been doing this since you were 17, you've never really had the opportunity to address the world as just yourself. Just to illustrate: when I was a kid, I had tons of interests. Dreams. Goals and aspirations. Inside and outside of relationships, I still pursued those things. If you have never really had the chance to do this - then I guess the starting point is to choose something that actually interests you, whatever that might be. Often, after breakups, people can lose interest in everything. Their heart just isn't in anything - nothing seems to hold the same meaning. It doesn't sound like this is your problem. Here's a thought: There are many ways that one can go about having their personality assessed.......for career aspirations.....social mobility.....life goals, etc. Though some of these are kind of lame, I'm sure there are also places out there that offer reasonably well put together ways and means of assessing a person, and this might give you interesting new ideas about yourself, and what you might be good at, what makes sense to pursue in life. Myself - I grew up in a literary home environoment. This led to a lifetime of academic pursuit, but also a lifetime of involvement in the arts. (Which is the fundamental basis of my social life.) What I'm getting at, is that of course, we define ourselves by the things we're interested in. So the trick of course - is to become interested in something. And here's the good part. Although interests are often what draw people togther, powerful interests are also things we pursue regardless of who we're going to share those interests with......sometimes - it makes no difference at all. And those interests can become an intensely personal experience.....whose byproduct is a powerful yardstick by which we measure ourselves. So to summarize - if you feel the need to find yourself again - perhaps you have never really had the opportunity to do that in the first place. This doesn't mean you've missed the boat. It just means playing a little catch-up. Good luck! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Scorpio Posted July 15, 2014 Share Posted July 15, 2014 The only advice I can offer in regard to how you will find yourself is to emphatically point out that you won't find yourself by asking random strangers online how to find yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
learning_slowly Posted July 15, 2014 Share Posted July 15, 2014 The only advice I can offer in regard to how you will find yourself is to emphatically point out that you won't find yourself by asking random strangers online how to find yourself. I'm not so sure you're giving out good advice here. Obviously by following, you are not doing your own thing. But as littleplanet has offered guidance on how to get to a starting point, I think its definitely useful to WhiskeyJack. However, you could always read your horoscope, lol. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SpiralOut Posted July 16, 2014 Share Posted July 16, 2014 (edited) If someone where to ask me what I do for fun or what I enjoy doing or what my hobbies are, I wouldn't know what to say. I don't really know. If I get asked my interests are, I'm at a loss for words. How can I fix this? I know I need to find myself again. But I don't know how, or even where to start. I would love to hear any suggestions, or anything at all that might help steer me in the right direction. Thanks! Ask yourself what you used to do for fun as a kid. Start doing some of these things again to see if you still like them. That's a good place to start. Make a list of things you've always wanted to try. Think about the hobbies that other people do that pique your interest. Write these down. These are things you can try. Seek out classes to attend or groups to join. The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron has some great exercises designed to help you get to know yourself better. Don't mind the part about creativity, I mean that's good too of course but I found that many of the exercises were about re-finding what makes you happy. ETA: I'm a very visual person, so I started a notebook where I keep track of books I've read and movies I've watched. I write stars next to the authors that I enjoyed, or actresses I liked. I spent many years ignoring popular culture and it created a gap between me and other people, so I've tried to fix that by getting back into it. I got myself netflix, joined a bookclub, and began to visit the library regularly. I find it helpful to keep a written record, otherwise I'd forget it all. Edited July 16, 2014 by SpiralOut 2 Link to post Share on other sites
melodicintention Posted July 16, 2014 Share Posted July 16, 2014 Congrats on taking your first steps down the road of self discovery! A couple of ideas I have include going to Meetup.com and join a bunch of different groups and try out some new hobbies, sports and activities. Another idea is to go back to school. Be it University, trade school, or just take some classes at Hobby lobby, just get yourself into some sort of schooling or trade to help you discover some activities you might be interested in. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Smilecharmer Posted July 16, 2014 Share Posted July 16, 2014 I think you are doing it by thinking about things differently. I'm impressed. The thing that still imprints upon me is that my perception of who I am has changed every five to six years after adulthood. You never stop growing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author WhiskeyJack Posted July 16, 2014 Author Share Posted July 16, 2014 Thank you all for the wonderful suggestions! I'm going to take some time really try and figure this out. Link to post Share on other sites
emotionalMess Posted July 19, 2014 Share Posted July 19, 2014 Kids stuff I liked: * flying kites, rockets, RC boats, fishing, racing electric cars, board games, card games, treasure hunts, metal detectors, waterslides, summer camp vacations. Stuff I always wanted to do but never tried: * singing, musical instruments, acting, writing songs, writing books, helping troubled teens, coaching sports Skills to work on: Leadership Self-acceptance, self-love, self-compassion Better organization / Project Management Link to post Share on other sites
SadNLonley Posted July 19, 2014 Share Posted July 19, 2014 So glad to see Im not the only one trying to actually figure that out. I dont think Ive really ever had an opportunity to make me No. 1 priority. Met my husband at 21, had 2 kids, got divorced and went straight into a 3 year relationship. Now single and alone for 1 year, Im desperately trying to figure out about "me" and self love and trying to get rid of the fear of being alone forever. Its not so easy when you've spent your life taking care of others needs to stop and take care of your own. Thanks for atleast letting me know Im not the only one having a difficult time with it. Link to post Share on other sites
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