I think my depressed husband is in love with my friend

[Charkie]

Hi there

 

My Husband and I have been together for 7 years and married now for 3. We have 2 children (4 & 5 years old).

 

We have been through some VERY tough times together financially, emotionally and physically…

 

About 2 years ago we decided to stop drinking all together because of a very bad incident, while we had been drink free things were going great, eventually last year the drink had slowly creeped its way back in and the last few months have been the worst.

 

Suddenly out of the blue he started taking off on a Friday or Saturday by himself to go drink with friends and comes back trashed or he decides to just go have a drinking weekend with his single buddy…

 

So let me paint the latest of events so that you get the full story…

 

A few weeks ago an old friend (lady) of ours came back into our lives after about 3 years of no communication and we were happy to be friends with her again. We found out that she was busy going through a divorce that she wasn’t taking very well… this is when I found out that she sometimes cuts herself when the stress gets too much for her and we tried to help out where we could.

2 weekends ago my husband decided to take off for the weekend with his single buddy to have a “get drunk weekend” because he is under a lot of stress from work not paying him his salary (cos the company is not doing very well)…

That Sunday morning his friend phones me to tell me that my husband was picked up on Saturday by our lady friend and he spent the night by her. Naturally I was upset and after digging and confronting and talking to witnesses that he hadn’t done that and that his friend was just angry with him because my husband wouldn’t introduce him to our lady friend.

That same day our lady friend cut herself and we helped clean her up and calm her down.

 

Monday – we both went to her house to check on her and her wounds, after we got home we found out she did it again and my husband went to help her.

 

Tuesday - We both went again to her house, everything was fine and we went home

 

Wednesday - She came to us for dinner

 

Thursday - my husband went there to take medicine to her for her chest

 

Friday- he came home that day in a very bad mood and started a fight with me then we had some friends over including our lady friend.

 

Saturday - She came over to have her tattoo done by another friend while laying on my couch with her legs over my husband’s legs and they sat next to each other ALL day. (I also noticed that whenever we visit each other my husband and her are always sitting next to each other while I look like the third wheel)

 

Sunday - My husband went and helped her with something at her house and when he got home he had an argument with his mother and suddenly went into a state of depression, drank and cut himself (which he’s never done) then he ran off, ran to her for help or comfort. She brought him home and he was so depressed that he was suicidal and she gave him some calming pills and we made a plan to get him to a doctor on Monday.

 

Monday - She took him to the doctor and he got anti-depressants and he only started talking to me properly after she dropped him off at home.

 

Amongst all of this he is almost constantly texting her until late at night (which I was never allowed to do with any of my friends.) I honestly don't believe that they have done anything with each other because of how hung up she still is about her ex-husband but I do believe that maybe he is in love with her.

 

He’s been booked off work for a week because of the depression and medication and he still looks very depressed but I feel rejected, jealous that he talks to her and not me… I don’t know what to do. Do I confront him now, about his feelings for her, in the state that he’s in or should I wait? And how?

 

I’m suffering with depression at the moment myself but not as bad as he is (I think). I need to figure out how to fix my marriage .

[Standard-Fare]

This is a total mess. Your "lady friend" sounds unstable and so does your husband.

 

I have no idea why you're tolerating stuff like late-night texting, her legs draped over your husband's legs, etc. They are openly flirting and affectionate right in front of your eyes, and it's insulting to you.

 

Call him out on it directly, tell him you're not comfortable and that things need to change. If I were you, I'd suggest that both of you take a break from the lady friend and give her time to do her own healing. You're not responsible for her mental health, particularly when it's pulling down your own lives.

 

And if you see their relationship progress, tell him he can pursue it only if he wants to break things off with you first. He has to make a choice.

[Mr. Lucky]

We have 2 children (4 & 5 years old).

What are you doing to deal with the alcohol and mental health issues in your marriage so you can provide a stable home for your kids? Do you really want them growing up viewing the behavior you've described?

 

Get help. NOW! And you may need to get out now. Your kids deserve better than this...

 

Mr. Lucky

[darkmoon]

get rid of her...she needs a doctor, refer her to some authority or other, a social worker, you do not want to risk her cutting herself and dying...besides, it will get rid of her, just be careful to act concerned not pissed, but overall phase her out

 

do not be so complicit in her expectations of you, instead, stop socialising with her too much, she has transgressed the rules of being friends with couples...you owe her nothing...she has a long term mental illness, i am well versed in this medical matter, trust me...your husband's cutting was a mere one-off, she has a long-term habit

Edited July 15, 2014 by darkmoon

[MuddyRock]

Its actually already an affair. Its an emotional affair. Sorry but its either going to be your marriage or this friend. Might already be too late as you have zero boundaries and he just goes off on weekend drinking binges. It will be almost impossible to get her out of your lives as he will sneak around. Alcaholism and affairs go hand in hand.