H threw my daughter out of the house! Help!

[carissalime]

Long post- Long story-

My husband of 3.5 years threw my daughter (his sd) out of the house a week ago. This time he said she cannot come back. She called the police on him, saying he was verbally abusing her. (the police did nothing) for the record, my daughter told my husband "F - U, you are a F** A** H**" - so, she is no angel.

 

Well, my husband insists that she is not coming back, that she has issues other than she is a high school drop out and can't seem to keep a job. I bought her a shirt to wear for her new job she just started and the **** hit the fan- he said i dont have his back, this is bullcrap and all that. He does overflate everything, assumes too much, and flys off the handle way to easy.

But of course, I and my daughter are in need of counsiling, not him, he doesnt have an anger problem, he says.

 

My daughter was crying on the phone with me right after she got kicked out, and said she just can't take it anymore. How my husband assumes all the time, how he yells over every little thing. He can be verbally abusive, but he will be the first to tell you he doesnt have a problem.

How do I handle this? Do you guys see how I am between a rock and a hard place? My husband doesnt see it. If i have my daughters back, i am against my husband- if I stand up for my husband, then i am not protecting my child. She is 18, will be 19 in november, by the way- she is not a little girl- but she is my child. What do i do?

 

He doesnt want her to come back. He wants to live in some fantasy world where he comes home from work, she is no longer here, she cant make a mess anymore, he cant complain anymore about her, etc. I say this is still my child, and for him to tell me that my child is never coming back is just too much.

 

He also tells me he believes that a while back, she dipped his toothbrush in the toliet or something to that effect. He says because she hates him, she is evil.

 

Please help. I am going out of my frickin mind with stress.

Edited July 15, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fixed title and paragraphs

[Poppygoodwill]

Wow. that is stressful. Everyone is to blame and no one is the problem. And you stuck in the middle.

 

I say this as a stepmother (who gets along well with the kids so far, touch wood): choose your daughter.

 

At 18 I'm sure she can be a royal pain the butt and might deserve a swift kick, but you and she have a life long relationship and you are her anchor in the world. To be cast out by your parents is the most hurtful thing in the world. I don't know if she considered your husband to be her father. Either way, you are the Mum and that's that.

 

This isn't to say you render her blameless. I think you need to be the one who puts down boundaries for your daughter to come home. And you have to enforce them. She has to be respectful, do her fair share, contribute in some way, and understand that she has to get along with your husband, like it or not. He is your husband after all. This is not rocket science; this is common courtesy and learning to live in harmony with others.

 

For your husband's part, you need to set his boundaries too, and make him stick to them. He can be outraged at her behaviour, but he has to mind his manners and also be respectful. And NO way does he have the right to kick your child out of your home. Even as your husband and her step father, I don't believe he has that right.

 

I imagine you're weary from all this, but I think now is the time to gather your strength and sit them both down and read them the riot act.

 

"In this home we treat each other with respect. We don't yell. We say please and thank you. We clean up after ourselves..." etc etc.

 

Tell them that you love them both and they are making YOU miserable....and so they are just going to have to grow up and find a way to get along.

 

BTW, I have found so far as a step mother that the most important person in my relationship with the kids, is my husband. The way he managee conflict and takes charge of them, the way he insists on a certain level of respect from them, and shows his love and caring for all of us, makes it work. I think YOU are the linchpin in the relationship between your husband and your daughter. Get involved. Don't stand back and act like it's between them. it's not. They're there because of you. They both love you. You're in charge.

Edited July 15, 2014 by Poppygoodwill

[whichwayisup]

Your husband (her step father) had no right to kick her out of the house. Especially without talking to you or trying to figure out another solution to the problem.

 

GO do counseling with your daughter. And, rethink your marriage to your H. The way he speaks to her, treats her is probably too because he doesn't view her as his own daughter and hasn't accepted her. Your daughter knows this too!

 

Your kid comes first! Kicking her out when she has no where to go is just going to make everything worse and she may start to make some very bad choices, ones that will mess her up even more.

[whichwayisup]

I went and read your other thread from 2011.

 

DIVORCE your husband. Get your daughter back home and kick your H out of the house.

 

I'm so sorry for all that you've been through. Now is the time to put you and your daughter first.

[GorillaTheater]

Gotta admit, I'm not feeling too sympathetic for your daughter or for your position, so help me out: what are some examples of your husband being verbally abusive?

 

Edit: nevermind. I saw your previous thread. Sorry.

[gaius]

If it's so bad then why is she still hanging around? It was bad in my house, I didn't even wait till I was 18. Gone two weeks before my bday. Would have worked just about anywhere as long as it enabled me to get out of there.

 

Even if your husbands not perfect the end result of your daughter finally being out and responsible for herself is probably something you should embrace. The most loving thing you could do for her is pick your husband.

[bubbaganoosh]

Honestly? Maybe your husband has his issues but be a cold day in hell when some foul mouth drop out starts saying F.U and calling me a f***ing A hole.

 

Seems to me that your daughters has some serious issues and you should have booted her in the ass a few times when she was growing up to control her obnoxious mouth and got a education.

 

Then you should tell your husband that you and her come as a package deal and he knew that when he married you.

 

None of you are right on this deal and I'm going on the assumption that your living at his home because if your were living in your home and he was living with you, this could have been prevented being that it was your home.

 

My advice is for all of you to seek help, and for your daughter to get a GED, go to some kind of school and find a job or your going to be supporting her until your a little old lady.

[MuscleCarFan]

This man is a huge jerk. He has no right to kick out your daughter.

 

This reminds me too much of my now former stepdad. My late mother and stepdad kicked me out over their dog who had recently had surgery. She the dog had stitches but its not like he would hurt himself.

 

after my mom passed away from brain cancer I have had nothing to do with him.

 

Considering your other thread, get rid of this man. You would be better off.

[waterwoman]

Wow!

 

Personally if any man did this to my daughter he'd be history.

[amaysngrace]

What kind of man would throw out your child without first discussing it with you?

 

I agree with your daughter...he does sound like a f****** a**h***

 

But I don't think you're too great of a mom to be introducing a f****** a**h*** into your daughter's life.

 

Pure dysfunction...

[lucy_in_disguise]

Your H is a dcik for kicking her out, and a normal parent would side with her child. I don't believe that at 18, homelessness is the appropriate lesson of tough love under almost any circumstances.

 

In this situation, though, she may be better off alone. Based on your past threads, your husband is a real piece of siht and growing up amongst this dysfunction probably explains half your daughter's issues.

 

Is there a friend or relative you can arrange your daughter to stay with until she gets on her feet? It might be a better option to offer support this way than having her move back in.

[Keenly]

This is where you make a decision that will affect you for the rest of your life. What is more important to you. Your own flesh and bed, or your husband of three and a half years?

 

 

Your H has no right to do what he did, now he is demanding that you follow through with a decision you weren't allowed to have a say in, and he's demanding forsake your daughter and choose him.

 

 

 

If you do not take the side of your daughter, you will alienate her forever from your life and your relationship will never be the same. I speak from personal experience.

[jackslife]

I think he was well within his rights to do what he did.

 

I'm guessing he pays the bills and feels the responsibilities of being the bread winner that fall on his shoulders. This is not a child we are talking about but an 18 year old woman. At that age she should be at university or working. The former she'd be out of the house, the latter paying her keep.

 

I wouldn't tolerate that rudeness from my wife or when he reached that age my son, so a step daughter would have no chance. It's a case of "my house, my rules".

 

He was right to kick her out, and your choice is simple. If she is that rude then you need to talk to her and have her apologise. If you want your daughter back in the house you have to teach her some respect. She's 18! and needs some tough love.

[somedude81]

Wow, some people are actually taking the husbands side

 

Her daughter comes first, pure and simple.

 

Despite what the law says, 18 is still a kid. This girl is obviously not ready to live on her own.

 

Get rid of the husband and take care of your own.

[Keenly]

I think he was well within his rights to do what he did.

 

I'm guessing he pays the bills and feels the responsibilities of being the bread winner that fall on his shoulders. This is not a child we are talking about but an 18 year old woman. At that age she should be at university or working. The former she'd be out of the house, the latter paying her keep.

 

I wouldn't tolerate that rudeness from my wife or when he reached that age my son, so a step daughter would have no chance. It's a case of "my house, my rules".

 

He was right to kick her out, and your choice is simple. If she is that rude then you need to talk to her and have her apologise. If you want your daughter back in the house you have to teach her some respect. She's 18! and needs some tough love.

 

Absolute hogwash.

 

 

If you did this, you would essentially destroy your relationship between mother and daughter.

 

When you show your daughter than step father is more important to you than your own daughter, you completely shatter any kind of trust you have with your parent.

 

 

This happened to me, the circumstances were different, but the outcome was the same.

 

When you marry some one with kids, you marry INTO a family, you don't get to come in and then start changing dynamics and kicking people out. Especially without discussions with the REAL parent.

 

 

To the person I quoted, go ahead and force your wife to abandon her offspring against her will. Go ahead and force her to destroy her relationship with them, since its all about you anyway.

[ASG]

Wow, some people are actually taking the husbands side

 

Her daughter comes first, pure and simple.

 

Despite what the law says, 18 is still a kid. This girl is obviously not ready to live on her own.

 

Get rid of the husband and take care of your own.

 

 

I know, right???

 

Some of the comments on this thread baffle me.

 

I will never understand the mentality of once a person hits 18 they stop being the responsibility of the parents and need to fend for themselves.

 

As for the OP... your husband had no right to throw your daughter out, even if it is his house, specially without speaking to you first.

 

Where is she now? Where is she living? Are you helping her? Have you spoken to your husband???

[pink_sugar]

This actually reminds me of the other Stepparent thread going on: Stepfather invading my privacy. Please take a look at that thread about an 18 year old and her "stepfather" that her mom has been with for just 3 years. Why are you allowing this man to parent your daughter? He's only been married to you 3.5 years. Are you afraid of him hurting you if you speak out? Has he ever been physically abusive to you or your daughter? While your daughter has issues, this man is not helping one bit. You need to put him in his place or divorce him.

[Keenly]

A strong mother protects her offspring.

[beatcuff]

your husband had no right to throw your daughter out, even if it is his house...

 

too many posters are merging two different questions. does he have the right:

let's see his house (we are assuming): check

child is over 18: check

child is high school dropout: check

child was disrespectful: check

child called police: check (oh you have all overlooked this gem).

 

sorry - my house my rules. she gone.

 

NOW for the second question. what should the OP do?

 

i will also assume this has been an ongoing issue (she is a high school dropout). so OP either ignored H prior rants/warnings ("he would never") and/or failed to teach her daughter basic respect ('don't bite the hand that feeds you').

 

and he did overstep his boundary because child is not his and he did not discussed it with you. both are strikes against him.

 

ADVICE - H put a line in concrete. you need to decide which side you chose. choosing child guarantees D. choosing H: its not as cut and dry, best case: it will result in some VERY rough times BUT child may (hopefully) 'grow up'. nothing shocks the system more than being exposed. so she may either apologize and follow the house rules or start on her own life. then in a couple of years appreciate the lesson.

 

OR resent you forever.

 

only you can chose the right course, because you know all the details and will have to live it.

 

good luck.

[sweetjasmine]

This actually reminds me of the other Stepparent thread going on: Stepfather invading my privacy. Please take a look at that thread about an 18 year old and her "stepfather" that her mom has been with for just 3 years. Why are you allowing this man to parent your daughter? He's only been married to you 3.5 years. Are you afraid of him hurting you if you speak out? Has he ever been physically abusive to you or your daughter? While your daughter has issues, this man is not helping one bit. You need to put him in his place or divorce him.

 

From one of her old threads:

Hello all. I have finally started to think that i may need some professional help. I cannot seem to cope with the fact that I was forced to have an abortion by my husband. Last night I cried in the shower. I love my husband, but he is so damn controlling. I feel like i am walking on eggshells most of the time.

If some of you recall my last post (its been a while) I am 40, and last april, I became preg. and i did want to keep the baby, i thought my husband would be happy, but he told me it was him or the baby, that if i wanted to keep it, i would be doing it alone, and that he would cut all ties to the child, and have nothing to do with it or with me. I had a medical abortion, and watched the baby (egg) fall into the toilet. I was devastated. I cannot talk about this now to him, i would not dare too. Last feb. I received a severe beating for talking about our baby we lost in 2009. There are some things that i cannot speak of, and so i dont. Well, i have been thinking that maybe the time has come where i need to find help, like a shrink. What do you guys think? Can someone really help me? And how do you go about spilling your secrets to a stranger?

I need advice. Thanks guys. I know there is always someone here who understands.

 

"F-ing a**hole" is a polite phrase for what this man is.

[pink_sugar]

From one of her old threads:

 

 

"F-ing a**hole" is a polite phrase for what this man is.

 

Jesus...no wonder her daughter has issues...the answer is divorce this man asap!

[pteromom]

God (or the universe, or fate, or whatever you believe in) has been whispering to you for a while. Showing you what a jerk your husband is. Telling you to leave.

 

Now, God is screaming. Will the loss and hurt of your own daughter be enough to give you the strength to walk away from a relationship that has brought you so much pain? Are you NOW ready to stomp those eggshells and demand a better life for you and your child?

 

Your husband is a controlling a$$. He's been controlling to you, and hurting your daughter is just another way to assert control over YOU. He is telling you that HE is the only important thing or person in your life. That you have no choice but to serve HIM. Prove him wrong. Come on. Prove him wrong.

 

Run to your daughter. Start a new life without him in it. Apologize to her for bringing this jerk into her life, and get therapy for you both.

[pink_sugar]

OP, I went back to your old posts and from what I've gathered...he's made you have 2 abortions so far?

[daisydook]

This actually reminds me of the other Stepparent thread going on: Stepfather invading my privacy. Please take a look at that thread about an 18 year old and her "stepfather" that her mom has been with for just 3 years. Why are you allowing this man to parent your daughter? He's only been married to you 3.5 years. Are you afraid of him hurting you if you speak out? Has he ever been physically abusive to you or your daughter? While your daughter has issues, this man is not helping one bit. You need to put him in his place or divorce him.

 

In her thread back in 2011, she said he has been phyisically abusive, and they also had to get rid of their family pets because he didnt want dogs, and that literally anything and everything drove him insane... Dirt on the floor drove this man insane.

[daisydook]

Forgive me for the long post and rant here.... but it will be long and it will be an ass whooping of a rant. I am so angry right now, I could spit. I wont, but I wanna!

 

OP, I am sorry you have found yourself here yet again, yammering off just more of the same stuff you always have.

 

He was like this before you married him, he has been physically abusive, forced abortions (although questionable, I know you felt you didnt have a choice as he probably threatened divorce,) on you or made you feel like you didnt have a choice, made you abandon your animals, has done nothing to help with your daughter failing in school when you met him, and it has only gotten worse because she is now an out of control drop out. She was well on her way to this when you met him.

 

Your daughter is right about your ****ty husband. She does not know how to act like an adult and work in this household, mainly because she has two adults who are ridiculous around her! HER PARENTS DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT FRIGGIN END IS UP, BUT WE EXPECT THIS 18 YEAR OLD TO BE WELL ADJUSTED AND WELL BEHAVED?!?!?!?!?!?!? She was a 15 year old struggling in school and mom didn't care. All mom cared about was marrying her **** head abusive boyfriend. I do not ask myself why this girl is acting out. I would ask why not. WHY WOULDNT HER DAUGHTER BE ACTING THIS WAY!??!?!!?

 

He is a ****ing *******.

 

She does not have the ability, nor is she equipped with the tools not to lash out given her current living arrangements and given the parenting involved.

 

This man beats her mother, and she is supposed to think he is great?!?!?!

 

Makes her mother kill her babies, but she is supposed to think he is just AWESOME!?!?!?! WHAT?

 

How do you grow up in a home with a SP who is beating your mother and NOT call the guy a ****ing ******* every day!?!??!

 

I'm going to take a wild guess at this and say, she started acting out when mom started dating this clown in 2008, but before that, they were close, had a good relationship and as a 12 year old, she was a wonderful kid!?!?! Probs! She would have been about 12/13 in 2008. OP started writing posts in 2010ish... her daughter was well on her way to failing school and dropping out at 15. Now, 3 years later, we are here. Her struggles started in school just after this, if I am reading correctly?!?!?! She was struggling in your posts, and not a drop out by 15. A few years later, she is out of control, using profanities to her SF and now a drop out?

 

I am so sorry for your losses, as I know you would have chosen differently, had you not been with this clown. You will forever feel pained by this, and I wish you had made a different decision. For you. I am pro-choice and I really wish you felt you had a different choice because it sounds as though, had he not had any say in this, you would have had Emma and she would have been a little lady by now. Bless her soul. All of your decisions have been a little off, in my opinion. Why did you even marry this guy!??!? What is done is done, and you need to undo it now.

 

I have read, thoroughly, through not only the controlling husband post, but ALL of your posts.

 

You WILL lose your daughter to this man, if you allow it and if you allow this BS to continue. She NEEDS her mother, and I don't care if she is 18 or 42. This IS an emergency and she needs her mother, more than your husband needs his wife to defend his **** head behaviour.

 

She needs you and you need to step the up and start being a parent. I am so mad reading this and furious with anyone who said this young lady needs tough love. With tough love, we will see OPs daughter here, with the same abusive douche bag a few years from now, if not within months, saying she is pregnant and her 20 year old boyfriend beats the **** out of her daily.

 

OPs daughter will be writing the same threads about an abusive partner, who beats her, who has knocked her up 3 times in 4 years, and someone who is a controlling every move she makes. Oh tough love is great! Isnt it?!?! She needs her god damn mother! FFS! This makes me so angry. Lol. Sorry for the sweary behaviour!

 

Where the hell is your daughter every night? Sleeping under a bridge? Is her best friends mother better to her than her own mother? Is she sleeping at her boyfriends? In a homeless shelter? Where the F is your child?!?!?!?!?!? That little lady needs to be back in her own bed by TONIGHT. Do not let the sun set another day without her back in your home. Your daughter has been struggling for years. I know you are upset about the children you have lost, and didnt get to have with your husband, however, you have a LIVING child who needs her mother desperately. Dear LORD! Please. Please be a mother. You havent been a god damn mother in years. IT IS TIME!

 

I still VERY MUCH needed my parents well into my 20s, and even now, at 30, I still need my mom and dad. Parenting doesnt stop at 18, simply because someone has aged enough to be able to vote. She is old enough to vote. That's it. Her behaviour is that of a child, who needs her mother.

 

Step the hell up, MOM! You are a mother first.