H threw my daughter out of the house! Help!

[daisydook]

To anyone offended by my post, I am sorry for being so sweary. Lol. This really pulled at my heart strings.

[Keenly]

too many posters are merging two different questions. does he have the right:

let's see his house (we are assuming): check

child is over 18: check

child is high school dropout: check

child was disrespectful: check

child called police: check (oh you have all overlooked this gem).

 

sorry - my house my rules. she gone.

 

NOW for the second question. what should the OP do?

 

i will also assume this has been an ongoing issue (she is a high school dropout). so OP either ignored H prior rants/warnings ("he would never") and/or failed to teach her daughter basic respect ('don't bite the hand that feeds you').

 

and he did overstep his boundary because child is not his and he did not discussed it with you. both are strikes against him.

 

ADVICE - H put a line in concrete. you need to decide which side you chose. choosing child guarantees D. choosing H: its not as cut and dry, best case: it will result in some VERY rough times BUT child may (hopefully) 'grow up'. nothing shocks the system more than being exposed. so she may either apologize and follow the house rules or start on her own life. then in a couple of years appreciate the lesson.

 

OR resent you forever.

 

only you can chose the right course, because you know all the details and will have to live it.

 

good luck.

 

I see.

 

 

Real great step parenting there by choosing abandonment over actually trying to do some parenting and teaching .

[Quiet Storm]

You need counseling. I think you know what to do, but don't feel you have the strength. You do have the strength, you just don't know it yet. You cannot stuff this any longer. This problem is not going away. No matter how good of a wife you are, no matter how much you comply and seek his approval- he will not change. Its time for you to make solid steps toward leaving this man.

 

Our kids need us to protect them. They need us to be their advocate. Your daughter doesn't have that from you. She is now her own advocate. Most young adults are rational and reasonable. They may push their limits but usually turn out OK if they are loved, and if their parent has their best interests at heart. Your daughter sees you putting the interests of this man above hers and your own. She knows this is not right! What do you expect from a girl that has not been shown healthy coping skills, and has no tools for conflict resolution?

 

Does she have a place to stay? Is she OK? How is she coping? Her well being should be your priority, not worrying about what's going to set your husband off next. I think you are so used to stuffing and denying your feelings, that you are emotionally numb now. Its how your mind deals with all this pain (detachment, denial). It helps you cope, but its hell for those that love you. Your daughter needs your love, she needs to know you care.

[pink_sugar]

Forgive me for the long post and rant here.... but it will be long and it will be an ass whooping of a rant. I am so angry right now, I could spit. I wont, but I wanna!

 

OP, I am sorry you have found yourself here yet again, yammering off just more of the same stuff you always have.

 

He was like this before you married him, he has been physically abusive, forced abortions (although questionable, I know you felt you didnt have a choice as he probably threatened divorce,) on you or made you feel like you didnt have a choice, made you abandon your animals, has done nothing to help with your daughter failing in school when you met him, and it has only gotten worse because she is now an out of control drop out. She was well on her way to this when you met him.

 

Your daughter is right about your ****ty husband. She does not know how to act like an adult and work in this household, mainly because she has two adults who are ridiculous around her! HER PARENTS DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT FRIGGIN END IS UP, BUT WE EXPECT THIS 18 YEAR OLD TO BE WELL ADJUSTED AND WELL BEHAVED?!?!?!?!?!?!? She was a 15 year old struggling in school and mom didn't care. All mom cared about was marrying her **** head abusive boyfriend. I do not ask myself why this girl is acting out. I would ask why not. WHY WOULDNT HER DAUGHTER BE ACTING THIS WAY!??!?!!?

 

He is a ****ing *******.

 

She does not have the ability, nor is she equipped with the tools not to lash out given her current living arrangements and given the parenting involved.

 

This man beats her mother, and she is supposed to think he is great?!?!?!

 

Makes her mother kill her babies, but she is supposed to think he is just AWESOME!?!?!?! WHAT?

 

How do you grow up in a home with a SP who is beating your mother and NOT call the guy a ****ing ******* every day!?!??!

 

I'm going to take a wild guess at this and say, she started acting out when mom started dating this clown in 2008, but before that, they were close, had a good relationship and as a 12 year old, she was a wonderful kid!?!?! Probs! She would have been about 12/13 in 2008. OP started writing posts in 2010ish... her daughter was well on her way to failing school and dropping out at 15. Now, 3 years later, we are here. Her struggles started in school just after this, if I am reading correctly?!?!?! She was struggling in your posts, and not a drop out by 15. A few years later, she is out of control, using profanities to her SF and now a drop out?

 

I am so sorry for your losses, as I know you would have chosen differently, had you not been with this clown. You will forever feel pained by this, and I wish you had made a different decision. For you. I am pro-choice and I really wish you felt you had a different choice because it sounds as though, had he not had any say in this, you would have had Emma and she would have been a little lady by now. Bless her soul. All of your decisions have been a little off, in my opinion. Why did you even marry this guy!??!? What is done is done, and you need to undo it now.

 

I have read, thoroughly, through not only the controlling husband post, but ALL of your posts.

 

You WILL lose your daughter to this man, if you allow it and if you allow this BS to continue. She NEEDS her mother, and I don't care if she is 18 or 42. This IS an emergency and she needs her mother, more than your husband needs his wife to defend his **** head behaviour.

 

She needs you and you need to step the up and start being a parent. I am so mad reading this and furious with anyone who said this young lady needs tough love. With tough love, we will see OPs daughter here, with the same abusive douche bag a few years from now, if not within months, saying she is pregnant and her 20 year old boyfriend beats the **** out of her daily.

 

OPs daughter will be writing the same threads about an abusive partner, who beats her, who has knocked her up 3 times in 4 years, and someone who is a controlling every move she makes. Oh tough love is great! Isnt it?!?! She needs her god damn mother! FFS! This makes me so angry. Lol. Sorry for the sweary behaviour!

 

Where the hell is your daughter every night? Sleeping under a bridge? Is her best friends mother better to her than her own mother? Is she sleeping at her boyfriends? In a homeless shelter? Where the F is your child?!?!?!?!?!? That little lady needs to be back in her own bed by TONIGHT. Do not let the sun set another day without her back in your home. Your daughter has been struggling for years. I know you are upset about the children you have lost, and didnt get to have with your husband, however, you have a LIVING child who needs her mother desperately. Dear LORD! Please. Please be a mother. You havent been a god damn mother in years. IT IS TIME!

 

I still VERY MUCH needed my parents well into my 20s, and even now, at 30, I still need my mom and dad. Parenting doesnt stop at 18, simply because someone has aged enough to be able to vote. She is old enough to vote. That's it. Her behaviour is that of a child, who needs her mother.

 

Step the hell up, MOM! You are a mother first.

Thank you!!! Bravo to you! I myself was wondering why she married this man when he has been abusive all along! How did she not see this coming?! Anyways, I agree and I'm shocked this girl didn't get knocked up sooner or run away from home. I wouldn't blame the girl if she was on drugs too!

[todreaminblue]

yeah i have to say i dont agree with disrespect shown from kids towards any adult even if they act pissy as adults........but....in saying that....i was cast out as a teen from my step father after leaving the navy i had nothing again...nothign new for me..... .....i lost my purse and all my luggage .....someone stole them....he refused to let me come home even though i begged and pleaded and told him i would do anything to come back which for me is ultimate in humiliation but i was starving cold and had been raped...i would have licked his boot to get a good night sleep..when i hung up that phone you dont understand how i felt an dno one can.....i remember though ...still remember hwo cold and alone i felt..i just sat down in th ephone box and cried...till i couldnt cry anymore.......i was homeless living on the streets.....he refused...i had no money temp work was few and far between.....so were refuge beds.....so i supported myself the only way i could.....i became a hooker......i couldnt sleep on the streets anymore....sick of being hungry.....tired cold...knew i was open to be raped again...people had started to know me around the streets .......desolate......had no one....i had to survive

my case is extreme and not a pretty picture but its truth

 

take your daughter back make sure she follows the rules that you set if it means keeping a job so be it...support her in that endeavour....do not leave your daughter out there...nineteen or otherwise...if you cant relay on family where do you go? dont let her go there..get yrou husband to read my story before he becomes so resolute...i would say to him if i were to meet him...please reconsider your stand and give it a chance to be better...seek counselling work on it...and that includes yoru daughters attitude and honestly yours too ...a family effort is needed......deb

[daisydook]

Thank you!!! Bravo to you! I myself was wondering why she married this man when he has been abusive all along! How did she not see this coming?! Anyways, I agree and I'm shocked this girl didn't get knocked up sooner or run away from home. I wouldn't blame the girl if she was on drugs too!

 

I guess, at this point, and as a forum of "friends and supporters," I feel we sometimes need a swift kick in the pants. I know I will and probably do now! Lol. I actually had to check in with myself after writing that and make sure I wasnt just in a bad mood. Lol. I guess I feel so angry with a world of parents who are this age who say "OMG! Why are kids so poorly behaved?" UMMMM PARDON? LOOK AT THE GENERATION RAISING THE POOR BASTARDS. Pun kind of intended, however, rude of me. Sorry.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

When I was 19 my stepdad kicked me out of the house. I actually had my own apartment already but my mom asked me if I wanted to stay there for the summer - they had a very large house in the hills with a swimming pool so naturally I said yes.

 

We had a huge argument over who can remember what and he ordered me to leave. It took me a long time before I forgave my mother and to this day it brings tears to her eyes that she allowed that to happen and says she will never forgive herself.

 

As I said, I still had my own place to fall back on so I wasn't kicked out on the streets or anything but the whole thing was very traumatic for me nonetheless. It is likely that your daughter will see you as choosing your husband over her which is never a good thing and in fact very painful.

[contact1]

Sadly I don't think we are going to hear from the OP, all of their posts are just threads started with no replies to them. Hopefully you are reading what is being said here OP in that you have to leave this man, not because of the daughter thing, but from the abusive you have been allowing on yourself all this time.

[daisydook]

He has never made her do anything. Everything she has done is of her own choosing. Going out with this creep, having sex, bringing into him into the same house as her daughter, marrying him, etc.

 

Touché

[jackslife]

Absolute hogwash.

 

 

If you did this, you would essentially destroy your relationship between mother and daughter.

 

When you show your daughter than step father is more important to you than your own daughter, you completely shatter any kind of trust you have with your parent.

 

 

This happened to me, the circumstances were different, but the outcome was the same.

 

When you marry some one with kids, you marry INTO a family, you don't get to come in and then start changing dynamics and kicking people out. Especially without discussions with the REAL parent.

 

 

To the person I quoted, go ahead and force your wife to abandon her offspring against her will. Go ahead and force her to destroy her relationship with them, since its all about you anyway.

 

I hadn't read previous threads by the OP so was unaware she was in an abusive relationship. So my first point is she needs to get out of the M asap.

 

However, that aside, based purely on the information given and for discussion purposes only, I still think he was right to throw the daughter out.

 

We are not talking about a 12 year old here but an 18 year old woman. Legally and responsibly she is an adult, she has chosen to drop out, she has chosen to be disrespectful. Now she has learnt how the world really works. Hopefully she'll grow up and learn some respect.

[Keenly]

I hadn't read previous threads by the OP so was unaware she was in an abusive relationship. So my first point is she needs to get out of the M asap.

 

However, that aside, based purely on the information given and for discussion purposes only, I still think he was right to throw the daughter out.

 

We are not talking about a 12 year old here but an 18 year old woman. Legally and responsibly she is an adult, she has chosen to drop out, she has chosen to be disrespectful. Now she has learnt how the world really works. Hopefully she'll grow up and learn some respect.

 

You truly have absolutely no idea what you are doing if you are in a step parent relationship .

 

 

I've already explained this multiple times, and I LIVED IT.

 

This isn't about her starving to death or something. Its about how the step father has effectivle stepped in between mother and daughter with no concern for their relationship and severed it.

 

Most step parents these days marry the woman and see her children as an inconvienence. None of these selfish people have any idea what kind of effect it has on the kids.

 

 

 

Don't ever marry a woman with kids, you are not cut out for it.

[jackslife]

So a step parent should tolerate endless abuse and grief from another adult in the house? When can he treat her like the rude and abusive adult she is? When she is 19, 21, 25?

 

When the step children are no longer children, he can and should treat them like adults.

 

If a wife had posted on LS that her husband has spoken to her the way the step daughter speaks to the step dad, then the thread would be full of people telling her to kick him out.

 

The step dad in this case is clearly an unpleasant piece of work, but generally speaking I don't see why anyone has to put up with a lazy, foul mouthed, adult stepchild disrespecting them in their own house. This is an 18 year old we are talking about not a child!

[Keenly]

So a step parent should tolerate endless abuse and grief from another adult in the house? When can he treat her like the rude and abusive adult she is? When she is 19, 21, 25?

 

When the step children are no longer children, he can and should treat them like adults.

 

If a wife had posted on LS that her husband has spoken to her the way the step daughter speaks to the step dad, then the thread would be full of people telling her to kick him out.

 

The step dad in this case is clearly an unpleasant piece of work, but generally speaking I don't see why anyone has to put up with a lazy, foul mouthed, adult stepchild disrespecting them in their own house. This is an 18 year old we are talking about not a child!

 

 

You are missing information about this scenario, whether intentionally or unintentionally, and if you were the one in this scenario I would accuse you of playing victim.

 

You keep focusing on the young woman, but what you are white washing the actions of the adult male.

[GorillaTheater]

So a step parent should tolerate endless abuse and grief from another adult in the house? When can he treat her like the rude and abusive adult she is? When she is 19, 21, 25?

 

When the step children are no longer children, he can and should treat them like adults.

 

If a wife had posted on LS that her husband has spoken to her the way the step daughter speaks to the step dad, then the thread would be full of people telling her to kick him out.

 

The step dad in this case is clearly an unpleasant piece of work, but generally speaking I don't see why anyone has to put up with a lazy, foul mouthed, adult stepchild disrespecting them in their own house. This is an 18 year old we are talking about not a child!

 

I agree with this in principle. Our 18-year-old daughter recently and very nearly found herself out on her ear for a simple "screw you!" If she hadn't apologized to my wife, I would've packed her stuff for her. If this incident occurred in isolation, I'd be on board with you.

 

But it didn't. The problems here are much bigger than a messed up kid and an overstepping stepdad. It's an abusive relationship. The stepdad sounds like something of a psycho all the way around and yes, the OP bears some responsibility as well, for a lousy and broken man-picker if nothing else.

[Keenly]

At the end of the day, this situation sounds like its going to end up just like mine did.

 

A divorced mother and an unrepairable relationship between mother / young.

 

Lose lose for everyone, all because mom would not stand up to step father.

[jackslife]

You are missing information about this scenario, whether intentionally or unintentionally, and if you were the one in this scenario I would accuse you of playing victim.

 

You keep focusing on the young woman, but what you are white washing the actions of the adult male.

 

No I'm not. In this particular thread I think the H is a very nasty piece of work and the OP needs to be out of this marriage as soon as possible. In fact she needed to be away from this man after the events in her previous posts.

 

Maybe I hadn't made it clear but I am no longer discussing this particular thread, but a hypothetical situation where an adult step child speaks to their step parent disrespectfully while happily living under and off said step parent. Sooner or later the step parent has to put a stop to it. Why should they have to tolerate it?

[Owl]

Sounds to me like the OP's family is completely dysfunctional at this point.

 

OP needs to make some hard choices, and implement some changes in her life...in what she will accept in her life from others.

 

She needs to decide if she truly wants to keep this man in her life. He doesn't sound like their relationships (hers and his, his and her daughter's) are healthy at all.

 

Seems to me everyone would be best served by seperation/divorce proceedings.

[Keenly]

No I'm not. In this particular thread I think the H is a very nasty piece of work and the OP needs to be out of this marriage as soon as possible. In fact she needed to be away from this man after the events in her previous posts.

 

Maybe I hadn't made it clear but I am no longer discussing this particular thread, but a hypothetical situation where an adult step child speaks to their step parent disrespectfully while happily living under and off said step parent. Sooner or later the step parent has to put a stop to it. Why should they have to tolerate it?

 

Ah, s you are making up a story that has nothing to do with the situation and going with it. I understand now.

[pink_sugar]

I think there are a few people that don't realize that what is going on inside of this household is what is causing this girl to act the way she does. If she lived in a normal family environment, but was acting this way...that would be something else entirely. She clearly has some issues as a result of this environment and needs lots of therapy. Kicking her out is only adding insult to injury.

[daisydook]

So a step parent should tolerate endless abuse and grief from another adult in the house? When can he treat her like the rude and abusive adult she is? When she is 19, 21, 25?

 

When the step children are no longer children, he can and should treat them like adults.

 

If a wife had posted on LS that her husband has spoken to her the way the step daughter speaks to the step dad, then the thread would be full of people telling her to kick him out.

 

The step dad in this case is clearly an unpleasant piece of work, but generally speaking I don't see why anyone has to put up with a lazy, foul mouthed, adult stepchild disrespecting them in their own house. This is an 18 year old we are talking about not a child!

 

Go back and read this womans threads. You are making yourself look really stupid.

[todreaminblue]

So a step parent should tolerate endless abuse and grief from another adult in the house? When can he treat her like the rude and abusive adult she is? When she is 19, 21, 25?

 

When the step children are no longer children, he can and should treat them like adults.

 

If a wife had posted on LS that her husband has spoken to her the way the step daughter speaks to the step dad, then the thread would be full of people telling her to kick him out.

 

The step dad in this case is clearly an unpleasant piece of work, but generally speaking I don't see why anyone has to put up with a lazy, foul mouthed, adult stepchild disrespecting them in their own house. This is an 18 year old we are talking about not a child!

 

 

i don't condone disrespect, but they have married and made a commitment to make this work so they are going to have to work and keep the family together......its not going to be easy and feelings are going to get trampled on but if you are strong and you are committed you can make it work....no one should ever be booted out of a house.....you at least give notice you at least try before you boot someone out...... you at least set rules and guidelines for living in the house that are adhered and followed ...military style if needed but you do so with compassion with that firmness....if it doesnt work out you make sure the 18 year old has soemwhere to go firstly and that somewhere is safe ....you teach them how to look after themselves budget with them, set out a budget or whatever you have to do to make sure they can live outside the parental home......no one has the right to disrespect another but as parents you do have a responsibility to look after your offspring even beyond the age of eighteen.especially when they ring up crying ...who should help them society, the community around them ...no .its parental support they need first and reach out into the community for programs that support the family as a whole not as a participle........

 

 

I read something on another site about everybody wanting to uphold their rights and forgo responsibility in doing so.......it shouldnt be this way ...this thread reminds me of that quote.

 

you in particular, talking about rights and not upholding responsibility..which before rights are even determined, you take on that responsibility, from their birth to your death and that responsibility is called being a parent it doesnt stop once they come of age, the duties lessen thats about it, you are their guide for life..not years ..its a lifetime of support and guiding...it isnt something to discard or throw away, you care for them, make sure they have a safe place to stay, where they can grow into mature thinking responsible adults..if more parents did this...the world might be a better place.......deb

Edited July 17, 2014 by todreaminblue

[jackslife]

Go back and read this womans threads. You are making yourself look really stupid.

 

I must admit I did base my comments only on this threads question, not on the OP's previous threads. Based only on the OP's thread question I stand by my comments.

 

When you take the other threads into account, it is clear she should have high tailed it out of that marriage a long time ago.

[hoping2heal]

What a sad situation.

 

Your daughter's life is worth more than your husband's penis. It is not uncommon for children who have to grow up in abusive homes to have all the problems you mentioned daughter having. No matter how much of a prick your husband is, you are her Mother. Before she was 18 - she was a minor in your care and it was your responsibility to keep her safe and out of the psychological harm and damage that she has endured; and the behavior patterns and issues with school and work that have now manifested as a result.

 

The sad thing about this is that you made the choice to be in an abusive relationship, she didn't get to choose the daily abuse like you did - she just had to have it thrust upon her. I hope this girl meets someone - a friend, a mentor, someone who helps get her turned around in a better direction and some help for what she's had to endure and she doesn't just repeat the cycle of you.