Dating again after abusive relationship

[preraph]

Last night, I asked if he would be patient with me sometimes and didn't go into all the details why. And his response was that he can't stand weakness and it's a turn offf. Not the response I was expecting nor did I know how respond back. It kinda hurt. If he can't be patient with me now, how can we have a relationship?

 

Well, god forbid, he should be turned off. Like others have said, this guy already sounds abusive. His response at minimum should have been "Of course" or "You can talk to me anytime." What you got was "I don't wanna hear it, your problems are not my concern." You need to nip this one in the bud and not waste any more time with him. Sorry.

[Gaeta]

I don't want any man to treat me differently because of my past. I want him to understand why I don't drink anymore. I want him to understand why sometimes I get anxiety.

 

If you are still anxious then you are not ready to be in a relationship.

 

Just like for years I feared to be hit. The first boyfriend I had after my abuser had not a mean bone in him. One day we were playing tickling and he grabbed my wrist for fun, I pulled if out of his hand and I started crying and I mean crying from my soul. You think I was ready to date? No. Did he deserve seance of tears each time he made a sudden movement? no. Was it his job to lick my wounds from my past? no.

[Jadedbyluv]

If you are still anxious then you are not ready to be in a relationship.

 

Just like for years I feared to be hit. The first boyfriend I had after my abuser had not a mean bone in him. One day we were playing tickling and he grabbed my wrist for fun, I pulled if out of his hand and I started crying and I mean crying from my soul. You think I was ready to date? No. Did he deserve seance of tears each time he made a sudden movement? no. Was it his job to lick my wounds from my past? no.

 

It's been 4 years. I may never be ready to date then. But my therapist tells me otherwise....

[Eivuwan]

While I do think there needs to be time to heal when one has been in a bad relationship, there is never a point when someone feels zero anxiety. They need to experience new relationships that are healthier. You can know rationally that not all men are the same, but knowing is different from understanding it on an emotional level. Just two months after my first relationship that happened to be horrible, my therapist encouraged me to date. I have an awareness of what I cannot accept and my second bf was much better. While we didn't work out, I learned from that relationship that people can treat me well. Exposure is the best treatment in the end. Fears and anxieties will follow you for awhile. The point is to not let it sabotage the relationship. The point isn't to be fearless.

[Eivuwan]

It's been 4 years. I may never be ready to date then. But my therapist tells me otherwise....

 

I think you need to focus less right now on your anxieties of being abused and more on whether the guy is a good fit for anyone. People who say that weakness is a turnoff is a turnoff for me. haha

[Gaeta]

It's been 4 years. I may never be ready to date then. But my therapist tells me otherwise....

 

Yes you will sweetie. You've come this far you will overcome the little bit that there is left to overcome. Soon you will look back at this and it will be like looking at another woman's past.

 

I also know you fear being hurt again, but look what you've survived and how you got yourself out of it and in a better place, you won't let anyone hurt you like that anymore. You're a tough cookie! You just don't know it yet. *Big hug*

 

I wish my English was better in moments like these.

[writergal]

Gaeta I respect your opinion, I really do. But I've also had my share of emotionally and physically abusive boyfriends. One was an alcoholic who showed up at my work, slapped me in the face when I told him to leave me alone.

 

I think it's fine that we can disagree b/c this is a discussion and we won't agree on every point. I have to disagree with you that talking about one's past means it's owning you. Not true for me at all.

 

It's a sign of a healthy person who can talk about their past in the context of making their partner aware of where they've been, what issues they have, etc. It is the sign of a weak person in my opinion, who refuses to talk about their past. Why? Because it's dishonest and unfair to the other person who is in the relationship with you. Just like thekid36.

 

And it's totally silly to say "deal with your past" as though it's disposable. It's not. Some people like my cousin have to deal with their past every day, so that they don't relapse. Clearly you've never been in treatment Eau Claire if you believe that the past can be put neatly in a box never to be dealt with again. The past is what makes us who we are. Some people have to deal with their past in the present, to protect their own future. That's called "therapy." Life just isn't black and white. And to dole out advice that dictates that the OP "do this or do that" isn't realistic.

 

And I absolutely agree, but we're not talking an addiction here that could resurface. I don't think it can be compared.

 

 

 

As someone who's been a victim of abuse, and of much more severe abuse as OP, I think my opinion has some value.

 

If you need to talk about your past abuse it's because it's still owning you. It is still shaping who you are today. It means you are not ready to re-embark in a relationship.

 

I don't tell about my abuse because I am not this woman anymore. It would be like telling a man about a woman that is not me, so what purpose would it serve?

 

Another example:

 

I got a phone call from my daughter this morning. Last night she had a date with a real nice man she's been dating. Last night he opened up to her and told my daughter about his abusive childhood. She said some of the things he told her were unbearable to hear, it was heavy, she felt helpless, and this morning she doesn't know how she feels about him and what he told her.

 

A boyfriend-girlfriend is not a shrink, or a priest. These things need to be addressed with a professional.

[Gaeta]

It is the sign of a weak person in my opinion, who refuses to talk about their past. Why? Because it's dishonest and unfair to the other person who is in the relationship with you.

 

Maybe we have a miscommunication here. I don't refuse to talk about my past. If I am asked to talk about it I will be honest.

 

I don't talk about it because I don't feel the need to, contrary to OP who feels the need to share. I don't ever think about my past so it would never even cross my mind to tell a boyfriend about it.

 

Addiction is a totally different thing. My best male friend is a recovering addict-alcoholic, he's been clean for 15 years and he tells each of his girlfriend, he still goes to meetings on weekly basis, I understand his demons will follow him for the rest of his life. Being an ex addict is not the same as being the victim of domestic abuse. It's 2 separate topics.

[thekid36]

Maybe we have a miscommunication here. I don't refuse to talk about my past. If I am asked to talk about it I will be honest.

 

I don't talk about it because I don't feel the need to, contrary to OP who feels the need to share. I don't ever think about my past so it would never even cross my mind to tell a boyfriend about it.

 

Addiction is a totally different thing. My best male friend is a recovering addict-alcoholic, he's been clean for 15 years and he tells each of his girlfriend, he still goes to meetings on weekly basis, I understand his demons will follow him for the rest of his life. Being an ex addict is not the same as being the victim of domestic abuse. It's 2 separate topics.

 

 

I don't think that you wear a sign on your shoulders. Nor, do you need to necessarily bring up past relationships on those initial dates. The right time is definitely different for us all. I just think that if you do not initiate the conversation, then the risk is that your partner will never have a full picture. This partial portrait could lead to multiple misunderstandings going forward.

 

 

Life is a continuous learning experience and none of us are perfect. All of the negative we experience should just be turned into a positive going forward. It does not have to define us. Yet, it is a part of who we are.

 

 

All in life is specific. No one who has not been in your shoes knows specifically what you have gone through. There is still not necessarily a need to distinguish between abuse and addiction. A negative experience in the past is still one which is not positive. All important ones which have shaped you need to be never forgotten. What we can learn to do over time is hopefully forgive.

 

 

Being in a relationship with someone suggests that you are no longer on your own. Someone who fully cares about all of you and not only the sugar coated parts will be sensitive toward important details. Even those which are the more challenging ones to address. Tough communication does not necessarily make it any less important. Nor, something which should be ignored.

Edited July 17, 2014 by thekid36

[writergal]

I don't think that you wear a sign on your shoulders. Nor, do you need to necessarily bring up past relationships on those initial dates. The right time is definitely different for us all. I just think that if you do not initiate the conversation, then the risk is that your partner will never have a full picture. This partial portrait could lead to multiple misunderstandings going forward.

Life is a continuous learning experience and none of us are perfect. All of the negative we experience should just be turned into a positive going forward. It does not have to define us. Yet, it is a part of who we are.

 

All in life is specific. No one who has not been in your shoes knows specifically what you have gone through. There is still not necessarily a need to distinguish between abuse and addiction. A negative experience in the past is still one which is not positive. All important ones which have shaped you need to be never forgotten. What we can learn to do over time is hopefully forgive.

 

Being in a relationship with someone suggests that you are no longer on your own. Someone who fully cares about all of you and not only the sugar coated parts will be sensitive toward important details. Even those which are the more challenging ones to address. Tough communication does not necessarily make it any less important. Nor, something which should be ignored.

 

Excellent post thekid36.

[ja123]

The only thing I’d add is that it sounds like you’re attaching to him too quickly and losing perspective. It already sounds like you’re more worried about what he thinks about you than you are about making sure this guy is a good match for you. Put more time into seeing if he is a good man, and a good match.

 

If you’re clingy, emotionally dependent, putting yourself into a position of pleasing and being accepted, you’re more susceptible to abusive people.

 

One of my best friends used to say, in regard to being with an abuser: “Spineless flexibility has no value, except in a circus.” Hehe Man, isn't that true?

 

 

 

This. ^^^^^

 

 

I would have liked this posted more than once, if that were possible.