Will this work out? FWB now, want more.

[XsilentlyX]

Ok, here's the deal. I've been knowing this guy for almost 2 yrs. When we first met, we were talking like every other day for two weeks. We also hung out twice. At the time I really wasn't in to him, he seemed a little shy and dorky. Well over the time till now we sporadically emailed and hung out two more times. He would tell me when he was seeing someone new and vica-versa. Well fast forward to a month ago. He emails me out of the blue that his gf of 7 months had dumped him and he wants to hang out with friends. So we hung out and then we made plans again. (take in mind over the course of our friendship I started to like him more and more) He is a great nice guy. Anyhow On our third date feelings come out in the open. I know he is not ready for a relationship and that's perfectly fine. Over time we hang out and he always text me telling me how gorgeous I am and blah blah blah. Well last Wednesday we slept together for the first time and things were kind of weird but we got over it and hung out again last night and again, we slept together. We are now more comfortable with each other, and things are cool, but I eventually want more, and I'm pretty sure he knows. Do you guys think it's possible that over time it's possible we'd get into a relationship or do most guys see it as "why buy the cow, when you can get the milk for free" ?

[ReluctantRomeo]

Hmm, IMO this could go either way.

 

On the one hand, sex is a glue. He may become way more interested in you - depends on the type of guy he is. As someone who has recently been dumped, I am very touched by any female expressions of niceness and sympathy, and "benefits" would definitely work

 

On the other hand, you risk being used as a temporary outlet. And he's not really in a fit state right now to judge the kind of things one normally looks for when one starts a relationship. Eg dealbreakers.

[XsilentlyX]

Thanks Romeo. He has said that if he were in a relationship, he would be in one with me, but he could just be being nice or whatever. He knows what I'm about but also knows I don't need ayone to make me happy. In the past it has been I who gives him advice on relationships. I figured I just have to give him time, seeing how he's only been single for almost a month. How long do you think people usually date before they get in a relationship after being in another relaionship? I ask because in my past guys usually ask me right away.

[ReluctantRomeo]

Originally posted by XsilentlyX

Thanks Romeo.

 

My pleasure

 

I figured I just have to give him time, seeing how he's only been single for almost a month. How long do you think people usually date before they get in a relationship after being in another relaionship? I ask because in my past guys usually ask me right away.

 

Depends on the intensity of the relationship. After 7 months, I would probably need a couple of months to get back on an even keel - I tend not to move on that quickly.

 

It sounds like you're taking this seriously and slowly. And if you're the person he has turned to in the past, that's a good sign. But please watch out for the rebound.

[LucreziaBorgia]

If he's content with the current situation, and its working for him he'll see no reason to change it and have no motivation to do so. If you 'wait it out' its likely you'll be waiting a long time. As long as you are hanging around, he will see that you condone the situation and on some level are OK with it - else, you wouldn't be there.

 

So, if its working for him, and he thinks its working for you - then its going to stay the way it is unless he decides on the off chance that he wants to make it a regular relationship (which, if he's already getting all of the benefits of one, but none of the 'hassles' then its not likely he's going to add complications to what he already sees as a good thing).

 

If anyone is going to make the change, it will have to be you. If you want to bump it up to a fully committed romantic relationship, you'll have to let him know on no uncertain terms that it is what you want, and that you are not willing to settle for less. Then you'll have to back off and let him know through words and actions that "FWB" isn't working for you. You can't say that you want it, and accept less by continuing to be around as a "FWB" - because then he will know that he doesn't really have to make any changes, because you'll continue to be there for him in a way that works best for him no matter what it is you say that you want.

 

The kicker to situations like this is that you have to be willing to accept that by going for what you want, you risk losing what you already have. You'll have to decide if your needs for a committed romantic relationship with this guy outweigh your fear of losing what you do have with him.

[karlym3]

I feel the same way.. I hate fwb!!

[sleeplessindallas]

Eh... I think FWB can *definitely* develop into more feelings later. Had one a while ago that finally confessed that he "sometimes wished I was *all* his." That never developed further and we're still friends, but the opportunity presented itself, so these situations are not impossible at all.

 

In this situation, I would definitely still be dating others and not waiting around for this guy to pull himself together, though. It could be days, it could be months, or it might not happen. Enjoy yourself, but keep looking, is my advice.

[XsilentlyX]

Thank you Lucrezia and Sleepless...very good advice.

 

I know if he doesn't make the move then I'm going to have to change the situation, but I think I should give him more time. I don't want to scare him off, with relationship talk. All I can do is wait for now. I don't want to lose him as a friend, but I don't think I can ever go back to just being his friend with nothing else. Well maybe, at least until I meet someone else. Maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic who is in love with love.