FoolishMan Posted July 16, 2014 Share Posted July 16, 2014 I was wondering whether there is any truth in this saying? I don't mean treat them mean as in physical abuse or treating someone with contempt. More like taking a bit longer to reply to messages... making oneself a bit more scarce? I have always found it hard not to be attentive to someone I like. Your thoughts appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 16, 2014 Share Posted July 16, 2014 Like any other tool, results depend on the skill with which it is wielded and the person who's hand is grasping it. Some people are more skillful with tools than others. Some people, when striking a pose with that tool in their hand, are more attractive than others. It depends. I found the cost of the tool to be out of my price range so I only have rented it on rare occasions, and usually not to 'keep 'em keen', if you get my drift. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Candy_Pants Posted July 16, 2014 Share Posted July 16, 2014 What a dumb ****ing thread . (Did that make you want me?) I thought not. This can initially work on some people. And even if you begin a relationship under this context, it has no lasting power. If you are naturally attentive, stay that way. So am I. It might mean more pain in the short term, but long term there will be people out there who love that about you . 10 Link to post Share on other sites
Haydn Posted July 16, 2014 Share Posted July 16, 2014 Be yourself, no games people will see the real you. I was wondering whether there is any truth in this saying? I don't mean treat them mean as in physical abuse or treating someone with contempt. More like taking a bit longer to reply to messages... making oneself a bit more scarce? I have always found it hard not to be attentive to someone I like. Your thoughts appreciated. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted July 16, 2014 Share Posted July 16, 2014 Someone tried to use this on me a few weeks ago. He is still licking his wounds. haha 10 Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted July 16, 2014 Share Posted July 16, 2014 Someone tried to use this on me a few weeks ago. He is still licking his wounds. haha He didn't know you too well, if he thought he could "out-mean" you. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted July 16, 2014 Share Posted July 16, 2014 He didn't know you too well, if he thought he could "out-mean" you. :laugh: that's kinda what disappointed me the most. I thought he was smarter than that 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author FoolishMan Posted July 16, 2014 Author Share Posted July 16, 2014 Lol @ Candy_Pants I am all in for being yourself and I am just not able to "treat them mean" anyway. My situation is that I fell for a friend but friend likes me as a friend. Obviously, it is a hard situation to deal with as I have to either lose my feelings or just lose the friendship, which I find hard to do. Therefore, my instinct was to reduce my contact to give myself time to deal with my emotions. However, since reducing my contact, she has increased her contact with me. Calling me, asking how I am etc... Now, I do like the attention but it is not going to help our friendship in that it does not allow me to adjust to see her as a platonic friend... Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted July 16, 2014 Share Posted July 16, 2014 Now, I do like the attention but it is not going to help our friendship in that it does not allow me to adjust to see her as a platonic friend... That's something different. You may need to cut her out of your life. No because you are 'being mean' but because it's probably not possible to adjust. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Candy_Pants Posted July 16, 2014 Share Posted July 16, 2014 She's hoping you don't disappear or aren't too hurt by the rejection. It's also very normal for people who are close to fill in the gaps when communication suddenly lessens. Tell her you need time to adjust. I've been on both ends of it and honesty, not manipulation, is the best policy. If she doesn't respect your wishes, take a bigger step away. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author FoolishMan Posted July 16, 2014 Author Share Posted July 16, 2014 That's something different. You may need to cut her out of your life. No because you are 'being mean' but because it's probably not possible to adjust. I know but that feels very mean Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted July 16, 2014 Share Posted July 16, 2014 I know but that feels very mean Oh I hear you, with all seriousness I went through something similar recently. I told him, he tried to push me into more contact but I asked him specificly and explicitly not to. It stopped. I'm sure she is a big girl now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Candy_Pants Posted July 16, 2014 Share Posted July 16, 2014 I know but that feels very mean Sweetheart, I know because you try and "do right" by everyone (just guessing at all this, pay no mind if it's crap) you constantly worry about how your actions and words effect those around you, especially people you really care about. But, sometimes you have to "do right" by YOU and stop giving a crap what people think about it. Especially when it involves staying friends with a woman you want more with... Because truth be told, it's okay you can't be friends. And it's wonderful that you're being honest about it instead of trying to be her friend for her and being upset about it. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted July 16, 2014 Share Posted July 16, 2014 Its a dumb thing and only a moron would say something like that... Having said this, it does amaze me how many people(men and women) faithfully stand behind someone that absolutely craps all over them...Its not even rare...Whether it has anything to do with the intent of the statement questioned in the OP, I cant say, but I have observed this quite often.. TFY 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author FoolishMan Posted July 16, 2014 Author Share Posted July 16, 2014 Sweetheart, I know because you try and "do right" by everyone (just guessing at all this, pay no mind if it's crap) you constantly worry about how your actions and words effect those around you, especially people you really care about. But, sometimes you have to "do right" by YOU and stop giving a crap what people think about it. Especially when it involves staying friends with a woman you want more with... Because truth be told, it's okay you can't be friends. And it's wonderful that you're being honest about it instead of trying to be her friend for her and being upset about it. WOW, you can mind read over the web?!?! *big sigh* You are SO SO right but in these situation, I am quite selfless (or idiotic) and really put myself up for emotional turmoil over and over. The bottom line is that as much as I try, I cannot seem to just walk away. I worry about her and I think about her all day long and it is not like want too. I just do. The best I can do is a slow fade... Thanks!! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted July 16, 2014 Share Posted July 16, 2014 The best I can do is a slow fade... Thanks!! No, you need to go cold turkey. Right now. You will be fine after a week. Don't worry about her, she will do just fine too. Link to post Share on other sites
charlo Posted July 16, 2014 Share Posted July 16, 2014 (edited) I agree with Candy_Pants. I think the "treat them mean" strategy (if that's what you wanna call it) can work sometimes in the early stages of a relationship/dating, but when it comes to serious, long term partnerships it's just not appropriate. My ex-boyfriend and I would treat each other "mean" (ie. taking longer to reply to texts, being less available, etc.), and it first it was all fun and games, but when we were together six months later and he still had that sort of mentality, it wasn't nice. Personally, I'm a super affectionate/attentive person, and the majority of the time I wouldn't bother with the "treat them mean, keep them keen" approach, just because that's not me. Although there's a fine line between being attentive and overbearing, which you have to watch out for sometimes. EDIT: In terms of your situation, go cold turkey is my advice! Edited July 16, 2014 by charlo 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author FoolishMan Posted July 16, 2014 Author Share Posted July 16, 2014 Its a dumb thing and only a moron would say something like that... Having said this, it does amaze me how many people(men and women) faithfully stand behind someone that absolutely craps all over them...Its not even rare...Whether it has anything to do with the intent of the statement questioned in the OP, I cant say, but I have observed this quite often.. TFY I have witnessed a few people in my time put up with abusive relationships. They are treated bad but they run back for more! It looks stupid and weak to begin with but as time goes by, it is nothing but absoleutly tragic! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted July 16, 2014 Share Posted July 16, 2014 I have witnessed a few people in my time put up with abusive relationships. They are treated bad but they run back for more! It looks stupid and weak to begin with but as time goes by, it is nothing but absoleutly tragic! I think it's that thing about trying to prove to the person who is treating you badly that you are lovable. Sometimes it comes from childhood, being conditioned that way. It's a natural reaction to try to fix your relationship with someone you have conflict with, the healthy way though is to walk away when it's clear that they are trying to punish and control you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author FoolishMan Posted July 16, 2014 Author Share Posted July 16, 2014 I think it's that thing about trying to prove to the person who is treating you badly that you are lovable. Sometimes it comes from childhood, being conditioned that way. It's a natural reaction to try to fix your relationship with someone you have conflict with, the healthy way though is to walk away when it's clear that they are trying to punish and control you. Ironically, the person I am trying to distance myself from has been a victim in an abusive relationship that has gone on for a years.... I have mentioned to her in the past that I need to reduce contact due to my feelings and her initial reaction was why am I "punishing her"? I know, I need to put myself first.... Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted July 16, 2014 Share Posted July 16, 2014 Ironically, the person I am trying to distance myself from has been a victim in an abusive relationship that has gone on for a years.... I have mentioned to her in the past that I need to reduce contact due to my feelings and her initial reaction was why am I "punishing her"? I know, I need to put myself first.... This is something you need to look out for. It sounds to me that you might attracting the codependent type woman. Ideally, healthy relationships are supposed to be guilt-free. Of course I realise that people hurt each other but it is something that you are supposed to be able to resolve between each other. A friend stating that they need to take time off should not be accused of 'punishing'. You need to be careful with the kind of women you entangle yourself with. Link to post Share on other sites
Author FoolishMan Posted July 16, 2014 Author Share Posted July 16, 2014 This is something you need to look out for. It sounds to me that you might attracting the codependent type woman. Ideally, healthy relationships are supposed to be guilt-free. Of course I realise that people hurt each other but it is something that you are supposed to be able to resolve between each other. A friend stating that they need to take time off should not be accused of 'punishing'. You need to be careful with the kind of women you entangle yourself with. .... Now you are scaring me! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted July 16, 2014 Share Posted July 16, 2014 .... Now you are scaring me! Good. That means you will think about this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author FoolishMan Posted July 16, 2014 Author Share Posted July 16, 2014 Good. That means you will think about this. Yep!! Going to google to see if the profile fits. Her precise words were "why are you punishing me... and yourself?" Thanks Emilia! Link to post Share on other sites
marcjb Posted July 16, 2014 Share Posted July 16, 2014 (edited) I can't get over how many different threads here support the fact that opposite gender friendships do not work (yes, there is a difference between a friend and acquaintance). There must be at least one of these threads that pop up every week. At least one person always has or ends up having feelings. As for the OP's question, never play games. Games are for kids and fake people. Would you like to be with someone that plays games? Edited July 16, 2014 by marcjb Link to post Share on other sites
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