gaius Posted July 16, 2014 Share Posted July 16, 2014 What a dumb ****ing thread . (Did that make you want me?) I thought not. This can initially work on some people. And even if you begin a relationship under this context, it has no lasting power. If you are naturally attentive, stay that way. So am I. It might mean more pain in the short term, but long term there will be people out there who love that about you . Way more attractive when you're mean than when you're attentive. Didn't you just have to spurn your husband for a while recently over something he did? No wonder he came running back. It's a fine line to cross really. I'm not into public humiliation but I definitely enjoy a woman that keeps me on my toes and doesn't make it easy in private. And the meanness has to be solely directed at me. Banging my best friend to be mean doesn't count. Most people I know are similar even if they don't want to admit it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
littleblackheart Posted July 16, 2014 Share Posted July 16, 2014 Treat them mean... and they'll be sure to keep you at arm's length is my personal take on it (based on recent experience) Link to post Share on other sites
TouchedByViolet Posted July 16, 2014 Share Posted July 16, 2014 Does exploiting a person's insecurities count? Link to post Share on other sites
Candy_Pants Posted July 16, 2014 Share Posted July 16, 2014 I have witnessed a few people in my time put up with abusive relationships. They are treated bad but they run back for more! It looks stupid and weak to begin with but as time goes by, it is nothing but absoleutly tragic! Now YOU'RE the mind reader! This is exactly what I'm going through. The difference is, in thebeginning my husband (and most abusers) treated me like gold. He still does most of the time. But during the times he doesn't treat me well I am confused, hurt, angry, and like Emilia said, I want to prove how strong I can be for our marriage by withstanding his behavior. Then after we make up we have a honeymoon phase which is intoxicating, and bonds us deeper than before. Like Stockholm Syndrome. I know you aren't trying to be condescending, but please do some reasearch on the way abuse effects people. Maybe instead of seeming stupid and weak you can see that it's programming and takes on average 7 real attempts to leave an abuser for good. The abused need understanding and support, not more judgements and expectations from others. Link to post Share on other sites
Shepp Posted July 16, 2014 Share Posted July 16, 2014 It's a fine line to cross really. I'm not into public humiliation but I definitely enjoy a woman that keeps me on my toes and doesn't make it easy in private. And the meanness has to be solely directed at me. Banging my best friend to be mean doesn't count. Most people I know are similar even if they don't want to admit it. True! Taking longer to reply to texts etc - I'm just like how childish! I reply as soon as I happen to look at my phone and I expect the same. That said I'm all for a bit of banter! Im sure my fiancée calls me an ideiot 10x as frequently as she says anything nice 1 Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted July 16, 2014 Share Posted July 16, 2014 One thing for sure, treating her like a princess and trying to be a great boyfriend, will not keep a girl around. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 16, 2014 Share Posted July 16, 2014 Classic banter, delivered in the inimitable style of Burton (George) and Taylor (Martha): "George: Did you really think I was going to kill you, Martha? Martha: You, kill me? That's a laugh. George: Well now, I might some day. Martha: Fat chance." I've been Eric to this kind of stuff in real life and all I can say is I simply missed that wiring harness. I couldn't do that kind of banter, and far worse I've heard directly in my lifetime, in my wildest dreams. A parting shot from Martha, a reminder from my M: "Martha: I hope that was an empty bottle, George! You can't afford to waste good liquor, not on YOUR salary!" Happy some folks enjoy it, or it keeps them 'keen'. Me, I'll pass. Link to post Share on other sites
hasaquestion Posted July 16, 2014 Share Posted July 16, 2014 One thing for sure, treating her like a princess and trying to be a great boyfriend, will not keep a girl around. Define "treating her like a princess". Link to post Share on other sites
Taramere Posted July 16, 2014 Share Posted July 16, 2014 I don't think I've ever experienced a sense of enhanced interest in somebody because they delayed in responding to me. I would be more likely to shunt them further down in my own list of priorities. Rather than being an effective relationship building strategy, I would see delaying your responses to somebody as a fairly passive way of letting a relationship/potential relationship fizzle out. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Haydn Posted July 16, 2014 Share Posted July 16, 2014 Some just don`t get that. In earlier versions of myself i did respond less and less to people i found irksome and downright boring, whether newish friends or women who viewed me as `a bit of alright`. Could be considered cowardly but i am not the sort to tell someone, `sorry you have abused the privilege of being ugly`, and you have the thighs of sturdy saplings`. Sometimes my lack of response was mistaken for interest. How? When i am ignored i take it in good grace and accept. I don't think I've ever experienced a sense of enhanced interest in somebody because they delayed in responding to me. I would be more likely to shunt them further down in my own list of priorities. Rather than being an effective relationship building strategy, I would see delaying your responses to somebody as a fairly passive way of letting a relationship/potential relationship fizzle out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Bruce Leigh Posted July 16, 2014 Share Posted July 16, 2014 I would see delaying your responses to somebody as a fairly passive way of letting a relationship/potential relationship fizzle out. Which is a game that some men and women, of all ages, play all the time. And some will continue to play this "game" for many years to come. Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted July 16, 2014 Share Posted July 16, 2014 no guy i date does this, it isnt honest, and its confusing, its like extending a hand and someone ignoring you put it out there.......so you put your hand back at your side and go what did i do .......or someone talking to you and then just walking away.......it is a tool....but its manipulative its main purpose is to make the other person chase you or want you more.......i know when guys do this to me...i am an empath and when i feel mixed feelings from soemone when they say or do something different from what i have felt from the,m before ...i just know its not what they really want to do ......i can feel it... i then wonder who told them to do it ....what they have read about women to make them believe that by being ignorant gets you anywhere.whose advice has led them to treat me in a way less than i deserve to be treated....and if i like them i persist ....not because of them treating me mean , just because i know it isnt who they are and i try and draw that person back...from really ****ty advice, younger guys are more likely to follow advice like this than older more experienced guys who know how to treat a woman, mainly why i dont date younger guys....i loathe ignorance ....i am not into games.............if it is really who they are and they are ignorant it is an immediate turn off..... because not only do you confuse early efforts of getting to know someone , but it causes masses of doubt in the person who is doling out the treat them mean keep them keen policy........honesty and genuine interest in getting to know soemone is far more attractive...a lot easier to keep up to as well because you dotn revert into who you really are......... this sort of behavior causes a lot of people to have issues second guessing what the other person is doing or thinking or following rules that there shouldnt involve guesswork...love isnt about being mean......neither is dating where the end game is about being in a committed partnership with someone......it should be clear cut persistent thoughtful, compromising compassionate and kind in all dealings with someone who you profess to care about otherwise you are just prolonging confusion...you dont move you dont get anywhere with ignorance... all it reminds me of is when i was a girl, and i woudl try and make a friend, they would not even acknowledge me and walk away to talk to soemoen else.......its sad and manipulative gets you nowhere....unless a woman sees something in you other than pig headed behaviors and is in to giving chances.............deb 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Taramere Posted July 16, 2014 Share Posted July 16, 2014 SSometimes my lack of response was mistaken for interest. How? Search me. If I contact somebody and it's ignored I'll think one of three things 1. They intended to respond, but got diverted and then forgot (guilty of this myself at times) 2. They just don't want to talk to me 3. They're annoyed with me about something I've had friendships fizzle out, and then ages later the person will say "how come we lost touch?" and I'll say "I suppose these things just happen" - but usually the truth is more like "I reduced my effort level to the effort you were making." In that situation, their reason for not responding was probably number one (they got diverted). The only one that's likely to bug me is 3. If I think the person might have a reason to be annoyed with me...and that's the only situation in which I might make some effort to get in touch. I suppose in that sense, a guy delaying to respond to a woman who's been mucking him around might induce a sense of "he's annoyed with me, and I suppose I can understand why." Whichever one of the three reasons it is, somebody not responding to you is never going to be a good thing. For somebody to perceive it as a sign of interest is bizarre. They must have been reading up on PUA and thought "he's playing a game to increase my interest, which must mean he's interested in me." Which is a pretty desperate ego-saving device. Even if the truth is that the person is playing a game, people only take the kind of chances those games involve with people they don't really care about missing an opportunity with. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Bruce Leigh Posted July 16, 2014 Share Posted July 16, 2014 As long as the "treat them mean, keep them keen" tactic keeps getting positive results, people will keep using it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Haydn Posted July 16, 2014 Share Posted July 16, 2014 Bit like what José Mourinho does to our boys at Stamford Bridge. As long as the "treat them mean, keep them keen" tactic keeps getting positive results, people will keep using it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ThaWholigan Posted July 16, 2014 Share Posted July 16, 2014 Some people like the perceived challenge. It represents a kind of friction that they seem to want. This can be detrimental though depending on whether the person is happy with it or not. I'm very rarely one to stereotype people into subsets, but if I may indulge, there are two types of people. People who thrive on comfort, and people who thrive on friction, all variables considered. People who respond to the "treat em mean, keep em keen" mode of behavior generally tend to be the latter. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted July 16, 2014 Share Posted July 16, 2014 Some people like the perceived challenge. It represents a kind of friction that they seem to want. This can be detrimental though depending on whether the person is happy with it or not. I'm very rarely one to stereotype people into subsets, but if I may indulge, there are two types of people. People who thrive on comfort, and people who thrive on friction, all variables considered. People who respond to the "treat em mean, keep em keen" mode of behavior generally tend to be the latter. true wholigan,i didnt really think about it like that till i read your post.... i thrive with comfort friction makes me anxious and unsettled......insecure....and confused......probably childhood related...i would understand though just from your post why guys might think i thrive on friction, i dont really, i really loathe friction i have to smooth the waters.... not storm them up ...i thrive when i solve problems and they are finally over..i know i can i alwasy do ...but it turns my hair grey........until i do solve problems...cant sleep cant eat properly, fall over a lot become clumsy....its all empath related...i nearly go insane......i have to learn to not think i can solve everything and everyone when they dont want a bar of my solving them....thats why the treat them mean keep them keen really to me is a cruel way to treat people i am judging on my own preferences which probably isnt fair...ok stopping the thinking now...before i start writing multiple like..deb Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted July 16, 2014 Share Posted July 16, 2014 It doesn't work with the kind of woman I would want to be with. That kind of crap would never fly with my wife and she truly appreciates that I treat her well. It's one of many reasons why she is my wife. A drama addict would probably never get past a few dates with me. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author FoolishMan Posted July 17, 2014 Author Share Posted July 17, 2014 Now YOU'RE the mind reader! This is exactly what I'm going through. The difference is, in thebeginning my husband (and most abusers) treated me like gold. He still does most of the time. But during the times he doesn't treat me well I am confused, hurt, angry, and like Emilia said, I want to prove how strong I can be for our marriage by withstanding his behavior. Then after we make up we have a honeymoon phase which is intoxicating, and bonds us deeper than before. Like Stockholm Syndrome. I know you aren't trying to be condescending, but please do some reasearch on the way abuse effects people. Maybe instead of seeming stupid and weak you can see that it's programming and takes on average 7 real attempts to leave an abuser for good. The abused need understanding and support, not more judgements and expectations from others. Firstly, I am sorry you have had to endure an abusive relationship. I certainly have realised that the abused is desperate to try make things work and that it takes enormous bravery as well as support for them to eventually break themselves free. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hotpotato Posted July 17, 2014 Share Posted July 17, 2014 I dont think its bad advice. It doesnt mean be cruel, it just means have a life outside your partner. Dont be too available. Im guilty of being too available and too giving. This can look weak. Its a good way to be taken advantage of or taken for granted. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted July 17, 2014 Share Posted July 17, 2014 Hmm, so then is it best to be a little mean and cold to your girlfriend/wife to make her addicted to you? I've seen lots of stories on this forum where the guy acted like a total jerk to his GF and she just couldn't get enough of him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TigerLilly78 Posted July 17, 2014 Share Posted July 17, 2014 Hmm, so then is it best to be a little mean and cold to your girlfriend/wife to make her addicted to you? I've seen lots of stories on this forum where the guy acted like a total jerk to his GF and she just couldn't get enough of him. Crack heads cant get enough of crack doesn't mean its a healthy addiction..For them or anyone around them.. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted July 17, 2014 Share Posted July 17, 2014 Crack heads cant get enough of crack doesn't mean its a healthy addiction..For them or anyone around them.. I much rather have a girl addicted to me than thinking that she can find somebody better and dump me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TigerLilly78 Posted July 17, 2014 Share Posted July 17, 2014 I much rather have a girl addicted to me than thinking that she can find somebody better and dump me. You would rather have a unhealthy relationship then none at all? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ThaWholigan Posted July 17, 2014 Share Posted July 17, 2014 Hmm, so then is it best to be a little mean and cold to your girlfriend/wife to make her addicted to you? I've seen lots of stories on this forum where the guy acted like a total jerk to his GF and she just couldn't get enough of him. Depends on the girl - and like I said, comfort/friction. If you get a girl that likes a decent amount of friction then you gotta provide some. Being mean or cold isn't exactly the healthiest expression of this dynamic in a lot of cases. Much like endless drama too. Sometimes it's as simple as differences and areas of dislike where otherwise there lies compatibility. There doesn't have to be an "act like a distant jerk" thing really - it depends on the girl, sure there will be those that go for that as it's the only attractive expression of such friction that they know, but I would advise against it as it's not always the best idea to exploit the weaknesses of somebody in such a way. If you really think you're providing a win-win, then I suppose there's a grey area - I just wouldn't take that chance if I wasn't sure. I'd be the kind of guy to expose the weakness to someone rather than exploit it for myself. Link to post Share on other sites
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