New Beginning or Beginning of The End?!

[KaiaMahina]

OK. Eight months on from being dumped by my fiance and I've reached critical mass concerning relationships...or my lack thereof.

 

I'll be honest: it ain't easy for me to find a man. I'm not gorgeous. Catherine Zeta-Jones doesn't lie awake at night, grinding her teeth and plotting a vicious attack on me with a claw hammer, hoping to sufficiently disfigure me so that she can rise ascendent. OK?

 

But I'm tallish, with a classic hourglass figure good enough to get me whistled at, flirted with and picked up on a good day at the beach. Lush, dark hair. Big brown eyes. Hey! I'm being honest, right? But lest I earn myself a spot in hell reserved for the Vain and the Conceited, let's just say that there's nothing repulsive about me, and that, while far from perfect, I have many good physical qualities.

 

I'm also a nice person. Well...niceish. I mean, I don't take any s**t any more, but I make that pretty clear up front. I'm understanding. I make good conversation. I don't nag, whine, demand or pitch fits. I'm not "high maintenance" and am content to allow another human being space and freedom of movement without attaching an electronic monitoring anklet. I don't lecture, give unsolicited advice, or make strong arm ultimatums. I have habits, opinions and interests and don't interefere with another's habits, opinions and interests.

 

I'm also sane and emotionally/socially untroubled. I'm not a crack whore. I don't have an ex-boyfriend only lately released from prison on a manslaughter charge showing up at 2 AM and breaking all the windows in my house. I don't deluge men with phone calls and emails of increasing frequency and craziness, culminating in a threat to commit suicide and/or castrate them with a straight razor. I also have a job and take care of myself financially, totally without assistance from anyone.

 

Despite these facts, I have found myself alone most of my life. Either that, or alone with someone. I attract men who invariably have priorities of greater urgency in their lives than little old me. Men who enjoy having a "bit on the side" but if you're thinking of actually waking up in the same bed with them, or living in the same house, or -- heaven forfend! -- being married to them, you're living in a dream world. I'm a "once every other weekend" woman, apparently. They can see me when they're not working. Or the weekend they don't have the kid(s). Or when they can drive the long distance to my place. Or when they're not attending birthday parties or family reunions or playing gigs. Or when Venus conjuncts Pluto, between 3 and 5 o'clock in the morning, unless the magnetic pole reverses. Then all bets are off!

 

(This doesn't include all the "near misses" -- the guys who say they'll call and then don't. The guys who take you out on a first date, lavish you with attention, call you before you even get home and leave a message about what a great time they had and make a second date -- which they then cancel, postpone, or stand you up on. The guys who all disappear inexplicably and completely with absolutely no warning, explanation or apology. Over and over and over again.)

 

I finally get one of these part time guys after I've spent anywhere from 6 - 14 months alone after being dumped by another one of these part time guys for whatever odd reason flits into the hole-studded organ they call a brain. While 6 months is (at my age) a terrible waste of time, I recognize that it's a necessary period to rebuild yourself emotionally and psychologically after a bad ending to an important relationship. Once it starts edging past the 6 month point, however, it begins getting very old very fast.

 

I've had enough of the part time bulls**t, enough of the sense of being walled up alive in a convent, and enough of the I-really-really-like-you-will-you-go-out-with-me-again-oops-there's-my-spaceship-to-Mars-see-you-later losers. What's wrong with me?! Am I cursed? Am I paying some sort of karmic debt on the installment plan for eternity? Am I destined to be alone (or may as well be alone) for the rest of my natural life? Why do I work with a bevy of women who are (choose one) selfish, annoying, loud-mouthed, stupid, controlling, money-grubbing, frigid, and/or crazy who have husbands who bend over backwards to make them happy while I'm hard pressed to get a guy willing to take me through the drive-thru at McDonald's?!

 

Honestly, I'm at a major crossroads. I've been lying awake at night contemplating simply giving up. Why resist any longer? When I do go out and make myself available for dating, I only subject myself to rude and stupid behavior, being stood up or blown off without explanation, and being generally treated poorly by men who are old enough to know better. If, after months and months of maddening shenanigans, I find someone who actually wants to be in a real relationship and consider me his girlfriend (or in the case of my ex-fiance, actually -- gasp! -- wants to get married), it all ends abruptly and inexplicably with a cowardly phone call telling me my services are no longer required!

 

I had made a plan that on March 21 -- vernal equinox, new beginnings, know what I mean? -- I would start taking steps to meet someone. In preparation, I've been de-cluttering my apartment and redecorating. Working out and getting back into shape after months of dragging around like a dead person. Doing things I want or need to do to make my life better, like looking for a better job, or moving to another city. I figured by March 21, I would be ready. More than ready.

 

But now...I'm so discouraged and so filled with dread that, despite the fact that I'm so lonely I lie in my bed at night and cry, I'm considering putting the last brick in the wall at the convent. I apparently don't have what it takes to attract a decent man who is genuinely looking for a woman to share his life with. And considering how often I get blown off, I'm beginning to think I can't attract any man, period. To me, a real companion is just another mythological creature, like a griffin or a unicorn. They don't exist in the real world that I inhabit. And I don't feel like embarking on another pointless quest for romantic happiness.

 

The alternative is remaining alone and making the best of it. I don't even remotely believe the prevailing wisdom that you can have a happy and fulfilled life alone. It may be true in some circumstances, but it's almost certainly beyond the capabilities and desires of most people. Otherwise, given the frustrating, discouraging, often heartbreaking circumstances of dating, more people would simply opt out. Maybe lasting love is just not in the cards for some of us. And I'm frightened that I'm included in that unlucky group.

 

My apologies for anyone stumbling upon this rambling vent...but at least I've taken the edge off by writing it all down. Maybe I'll sleep a bit better tonight. Or, at least as well as one can sleep alone.

[brashgal]

Noone can wallow in it like you can, Kaia. I especially enjoyed the following:

 

I-really-really-like-you-will-you-go-out-with-me-again-oops-there's-my-spaceship-to-Mars-see-you-later losers. What's wrong with me?! Am I cursed? Am I paying some sort of karmic debt on the installment plan for eternity?

 

It won't make you feel any better but you have sisters out there. We reek from the stench of desperation or something.

 

When you figure out how to overcome this state, let me know - I'm willing to pay real money.

[Leikela]

Shouldn't you be doing all those things for YOURSELF first, before Mr. Right enters the picture? Doing it because you want to meet someone isn't the right way to go about it, in my opinion. Do it for yourself because you want to be a better person for you.

 

I whole heartedly believe that we have to be content with ourselves and with our lives before the right person can enter our lives. Think more about how you want and can be happy ALONE first and then the rest will fall into place. Have more faith in yourself. Take care.

[Screenplay]

..and brothers, dont forget us too

 

I had the very same outlook for most of my life; the one of "Wait, im decent looking, im a good person, why am I alone?". Recently I've just accepted the fact that right now I'm single, and theres no magic magnet I can turn on thatll bring the compatible women clawing at my door like a pack of hyenas. Just as I did that and just lived my own path in life by taking classes and going out with friends I've found oppritunities that look promising. Maybe they'll pan out, maybe they'll never call me back, and just maybe theyll castrate me with a straight razor, but it's on my terms now and even without these oppritunities I'm happy with being single and who I am.

 

Honestly, you sound really cool. Maybe it's just that the right guy hasn't came along yet? Maybe take a radically different idea towards where to find men, if youre into the bar/club scene try going to acting, singing, or any other class that youd enjoy. Its true what they say, you cant actively seek romance and expect to find it, you have to be content with yourself and life your own life and let it flock to you.

 

But then, I'm just a young guy. My advice may or may not be based in the realm of reality Good luck to ya and keep your chin up, it's not a matter of luck before you find a true companion; for the person who is content with themself it is only a matter of time.

[d'Arthez]

Leikela and Screenplay have pointed at the issue at stake. I know it is a rant, born out of frustration. But there are various instances you make it all about your need for a man.

 

The alternative is remaining alone and making the best of it. I don't even remotely believe the prevailing wisdom that you can have a happy and fulfilled life alone. It may be true in some circumstances, but it's almost certainly beyond the capabilities and desires of most people. Otherwise, given the frustrating, discouraging, often heartbreaking circumstances of dating, more people would simply opt out. Maybe lasting love is just not in the cards for some of us. And I'm frightened that I'm included in that unlucky group.

 

The only thing a woman needs a man for is if she wants to procreate. Estimated amounts of time differ . But it is not a lifetime.

 

Don't enter the convent, Kaia. There are men out there who think you'd be perfect for them, even with the frustrations you have now. Most of these men have a hard time to find the woman they look for. Who literally have to rub their eyes to make certain they are not fooled by an illusion.

 

Don't cry your eyes out. You have been married once, have a lot of experience in relationships and your fiance has left you 8 months ago. Probably sleeping next to a man has become so much of a habit for you throughout the years, that you have a hard time facing the possibility there might not be a Mr. KaiaMahina in the near future.

 

However also consider the following:

You can be happy and single. To be alone is not as bad as it looks, especially if you have a highly challenging personal life. If you can get a lot of satisfaction from your professional life, or developing new insights when studying the things you are deeply interested in, you hardly miss any guy. The thing is that you must not occupy yourself with what is lacking in your life.

You should look a bit more positive about things. A lot of people literaly fear to end up alone. A lot of people prefer to be in a bad relationship over not being in a relationship. Are they happier? A lot of people deceive themselves in believing they are happy. Until the bubble bursts.

 

For a lot of women, especially when they are beautiful, and have a profesional life going, it's difficult to find a suitable partner. A lot of men rather not have a woman who has higher earning power, or is more intelligent. Forget about these dumba**es. You would not have been compatible in the first place. Sometimes relationships end, because the man feels he "can't live up to her moral standards!" Of course I would not suggest a woman needs to become a crackw**re. You'd only attract a future Mr. Crackw**re. You don't want that.

 

You want someone real. But that also means you have to work a lot on your self. Each and every day.

[KaiaMahina]

Wait a minute! I'm not needy and desperate!

 

My rant was not at all about NEEDING a man. The current philosophy is that women don't NEED men (and, I assume, men don't NEED women). Unless you want to procreate. I disagree to some extent, and I believe people confuse NEED with STRONG DESIRE.

 

You certainly don't NEED a life companion. You can become a very accomplished person at many things and be quite happy. The fact that you have no one who understands or knows you intimately is a drawback, of course. But who NEEDS someone into whose eyes you can look and see love and acceptance? You can get a dog for that.

 

The fact that you have no one to have sex with -- well, who NEEDS sex, right? You can become quite adept at taking care of your own sexual needs and cuddling yourself afterwards, can't you? You're really in for a treat if you're double-jointed. You can even purchase a blow up doll to snuggle up to on cold winter nights. The fact that it doesn't speak or think or have a personality is beside the point, because you can always talk to yourself.

 

And when you come home at the end of the day, you can always telephone a friend or relative and tell them about your frustrations or your triumphs until they have to get back to other people in their lives who are connected to them more intimately than you are, and you can hang up the phone and sit there, perfectly contented while they get on with their lives with other people.

 

There's a thin line between NEED and DESIRE. Is it really that great a distinction? What makes life worth living for one person is simply crushingly inadequate for someone else. I would never tell a person who desperately desires (NEEDS) to have children and is sadly infertile that they can have a happy and fulfilled life as a childless person. How could I say that?! That person may adopt children, or simply accept that they will have no children, but are they HAPPY? Are they fulfilled? Probably not. At least not to the extent that they would have been, had their desire been fulfilled.

 

Obviously, I don't NEED a man to continue living. Otherwise, at the age of 44, with only 11 years of married life and 33 years of being essentially alone, I would have been dead by now. I have a life of my own, and have done many things in my life for no one but myself. I have left relationships in order to preserve my sense of self, or to accomplish things which my companion didn't want me to do, but which were important goals in my life.

 

But I'm beginning to think this isn't any recipe for attracting anyone to your life. On the contrary, it seems the more independent and mentally sound you are, the less chance you have for being in a healthy relationship. When you actually have something going for you, you seem to become a magnet for the selfish, the self-absorbed, the non-committal and the insane. It's not supposed to work that way, but for too many decent people that I know, that's the way it is.

[EnigmaXOXO]

For a lot of women, especially when they are beautiful, and have a professional life going, it's difficult to find a suitable partner. A lot of men rather not have a woman who has higher earning power, or is more intelligent. Forget about these dumba**es. You would not have been compatible in the first place. Sometimes relationships end, because the man feels he "can't live up to her moral standards!"

 

I would also like to add that some men can feel intimated by strong, intelligent, independent women. Particularly women who are as emotionally and spiritually passionate as you - or women who seem to have their lives almost "too" together. They may not see 'room' for themselves in your life - or any man for that matter, unless you let down your guard and display some sign of openness and/or vulnerability.

 

On the contrary, it seems the more independent and mentally sound you are, the less chance you have for being in a healthy relationship.

 

I think your chances of sustaining a healthy relationship are increased given a partner of equal standing, but it's the ratio of compatible, suitable partners that decrease the more evolved you are as a person and the higher your relationship expectations become. The world is full of idiots and relationship retards. Losers are easy to come by and a dime a dozen. No one need be lonely if they are willing to lower their standards and settle for whatever comes along - and many do, often with disastrous results.

 

When you actually have something going for you, you seem to become a magnet for the selfish, the self-absorbed, the non-committal and the insane.

 

I use to think this way myself, until I finally took responsibility for my own choices and realized that it had more to do with the kind of men *I* was attracted to rather than the kind of people who were attracted to me. Like many women, I use to refer to myself as a "jerk magnet." It wasn't until I raised my bar and became more selective (even stubborn) about my relationship choices that my luck began to turn around. I was no longer a jerk "magnet"… instead, like you, I became a jerk "repellent."

 

You see KaiaMahina …it's all in your perspective. If you have the selfish, self-absorbed, non-committal and insane running scared in the opposite direction, then you're actually doing something RIGHT, my dear!

 

Hang in there. It's highly likely that you will find yourself in another relationship within the next two years. Sooner if you give in and settle for less than you deserve. And always remember to be careful what you ask for, because you just might get it!

[alphamale]

Originally posted by EnigmaXOXO

I would also like to add that some men can feel intimated by strong, intelligent, independent women. Particularly women who are as emotionally and spiritually passionate as you - or women who seem to have their lives almost "too" together. They may not see 'room' for themselves in your life - or any man for that matter, unless you let down your guard and display some sign of openness and/or vulnerability.

 

Hi ENIGMAXOXO, where ya been?

 

I agree with above. I want a woman to need me for something and if they are to perfect or have it too "together" then there is no challenge and no work to be done. Now, how can i elevate a woman who is already on the top floor??? It is also an ego thing. I have known a few women inn this category and almost across the board they say it is hard to find suitable men.

 

I guess this goes the other way also, if a man is too "perfect" then he won't appeal to or will intimidate most women.

 

The world is full of idiots and relationship retards. Losers are easy to come by and a dime a dozen.

 

how true

[alphamale]

Originally posted by KaiaMahina

My apologies for anyone stumbling upon this rambling vent...but at least I've taken the edge off by writing it all down. Maybe I'll sleep a bit better tonight. Or, at least as well as one can sleep alone.

 

Good post KAIAMAHINA. I see two problems here you may want to address:

 

1) you may be choosing wrong dudes

2) be less "nice" and more demanding (aka "bitch"). people that are more demanding tend to get what they want more often.

 

just alpha's $0.02

[Sugaree]

New Beginning or Beginning of The End?!

 

The frustrating, maddening things about erotic/romantic relationships is that they cannot be willed, they cannot be controlled and they cannot be unilateral. What's needed is the co-operative desire of some Other, who has his own agenda,which may not be fathomable to him let alone you.

 

Sarte got it half right when he wrote that "Hell is other people," but, then, so is Heaven. And there's the rub: Relationships are the terror and beauty of everyday life. If we're not in them, we're thinking about them.

 

Loneliness and the loss/lack of intimacy is a tough gig especially over prolonged periods. Lengthy dry spells are a bitch.

 

If I were you, I'd rely less on serendipity to find a full time man and more on structured dating arrangements. It's time for some serious matchmaking at the hands of skilled professionals.

 

Go for it, girl. You've nothing to lose.

 

You have to start somewhere, again.

[Screenplay]

I think your chances of sustaining a healthy relationship are increased given a partner of equal standing, but it's the ratio of compatible, suitable partners that decrease the more evolved you are as a person and the higher your relationship expectations become. The world is full of idiots and relationship retards. Losers are easy to come by and a dime a dozen. No one need be lonely if they are willing to lower their standards and settle for whatever comes along - and many do, often with disastrous results.

 

Ok, I'm writing that down. Well written and completely true.

 

A thought just popped into my head though alongside the same lines my first post and as the previous posters idea; maybe try something like speed-dating? It's not guaranteed to filter out the freaks and idiots, but at the very least it'll have you out and mingling with like-minded individuals at a rapid pace with no strings attached.