d0nnivain Posted July 16, 2014 Share Posted July 16, 2014 A dear friend who is like a sister to me is getting married next year. She's always been "bad" at relationships. She had a good one when we were in our 20s but he moved to Alaska or someplace to work on the oil pipelines & make more money. I was off in grad school at the time. So I never really got the skinny on why they broke up. She had a series of short relationships for the next 20 years, few barely lasting more than 1 year. If they were good, descent guys she got bored & dumped them for the jerky bad boys who came with trouble & drama. She's been with her FI for over 4 years but it's been long distance. She always said she liked it that way because not having to deal with each other on a daily basis helped her to not get bored of him being a nice guy. When they get married it will be in his state --2,000+ miles from here & she'll stay to move in with him. They do see each other more than most LDR couples because he travels for work & when he's in this area for weeks at a time every few months, instead of getting an extended stay hotel with a kitchenette, he uses her house as a base & goes to work from there so they have some experience functioning & working rather than the vacation like dream land un-reality that most LDRs have because you tend to hibernate when you get to be together. I hope she has thought through all the changes that are coming. I know she hasn't addressed many practical issues because I raised them with her last week. I did so because I knew that I was going to get stuck dealing with it all -- like getting her house sold if it doesn't close before the wedding etc. That practical conversation made me worry about whether she is mentally prepared for the adjustments that are coming when they are no longer long distance & just the daily grinds of marriage. I do not want to talk her into or out of anything. I just want to inspire her to plan & anticipate possible obstacles so that she can avoid them. I'm not going to be around the corner to pick up the pieces when things happen; in fact her whole support system will be here. Yes she will have her new husband & his family but I know her & she won't want to show weakness. It will take a while for her to trust them with something as simple as giving her a ride in an emergency. I'm afraid if I raise these issues she will get mad. I'm afraid if I don't, she'll get a divorce within the 1st year of marriage because she will not have expected conflict & will not be prepared to deal with it. She has never been great at compromise. More then anything I'd simply like to assure her that she has a resource in me. So what do you think -- speak up or forever hold my peace (at least unless asked)? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
AnneT1985 Posted July 16, 2014 Share Posted July 16, 2014 This is a tough one Donnivain. I hear you. However I have to go with the latter. Her mess, not yours. Best of luck to you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
thekid36 Posted July 16, 2014 Share Posted July 16, 2014 A dear friend who is like a sister to me is getting married next year. She's always been "bad" at relationships. She had a good one when we were in our 20s but he moved to Alaska or someplace to work on the oil pipelines & make more money. I was off in grad school at the time. So I never really got the skinny on why they broke up. She had a series of short relationships for the next 20 years, few barely lasting more than 1 year. If they were good, descent guys she got bored & dumped them for the jerky bad boys who came with trouble & drama. She's been with her FI for over 4 years but it's been long distance. She always said she liked it that way because not having to deal with each other on a daily basis helped her to not get bored of him being a nice guy. When they get married it will be in his state --2,000+ miles from here & she'll stay to move in with him. They do see each other more than most LDR couples because he travels for work & when he's in this area for weeks at a time every few months, instead of getting an extended stay hotel with a kitchenette, he uses her house as a base & goes to work from there so they have some experience functioning & working rather than the vacation like dream land un-reality that most LDRs have because you tend to hibernate when you get to be together. I hope she has thought through all the changes that are coming. I know she hasn't addressed many practical issues because I raised them with her last week. I did so because I knew that I was going to get stuck dealing with it all -- like getting her house sold if it doesn't close before the wedding etc. That practical conversation made me worry about whether she is mentally prepared for the adjustments that are coming when they are no longer long distance & just the daily grinds of marriage. I do not want to talk her into or out of anything. I just want to inspire her to plan & anticipate possible obstacles so that she can avoid them. I'm not going to be around the corner to pick up the pieces when things happen; in fact her whole support system will be here. Yes she will have her new husband & his family but I know her & she won't want to show weakness. It will take a while for her to trust them with something as simple as giving her a ride in an emergency. I'm afraid if I raise these issues she will get mad. I'm afraid if I don't, she'll get a divorce within the 1st year of marriage because she will not have expected conflict & will not be prepared to deal with it. She has never been great at compromise. More then anything I'd simply like to assure her that she has a resource in me. So what do you think -- speak up or forever hold my peace (at least unless asked)? I think that you should say all that you're wanting to. You are totally in control of this. Let her hear your concerns and respond. The hope is that she will respect you for being open and honest with her. On your end, obviously you hope that she at least is aware of what may await her down the road. There is just no way you can control how she reacts. You care about her and want what's best. All you can do is say your peace and leave the rest to her. You may regret not saying something later on. Best to simply say what is on your mind. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
daisydook Posted July 16, 2014 Share Posted July 16, 2014 Forever hold your peace. It isnt up to you to save her. I know you want to, but in turn, it will only push her away from you, by the sound of things. I dont believe you want that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
loversquarrel Posted July 24, 2014 Share Posted July 24, 2014 It's best to stay out of a couple's relationship, you are not family. Just try to be there for her when they get divorced. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted July 24, 2014 Share Posted July 24, 2014 you can voice your concerns that's what true friends are for not all happy happy joy joy...but ultimately her decision to say i do is hers.........the trust issue is going to be a problem for her a pretty big one......let her knwo whatever she decides you are her friend that wotn change will it?...constancy in what you say and your intentions are just towards her...she will know and feel that....you are a good friend to her...support her in whatever decsion she makes.......hugs....deb 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author d0nnivain Posted July 25, 2014 Author Share Posted July 25, 2014 It's best to stay out of a couple's relationship, you are not family. Just try to be there for her when they get divorced. Technically there are no official legal ties but she's my parents' God Daughter & I am God Mother to her kids. If when her kids were still under 18 something happened to her, I would have gotten the boys. I still hold her POA, which I did remind her has to be switched to her FI / new husband. I don't want her to get divorced I want her to think about the potential problems & come up with solutions to them before they reach critical mass. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted July 25, 2014 Share Posted July 25, 2014 (edited) I definitely understand the feeling of watching a friend walk off a precipice but not knowing how or what to say to them about it... While I've come to realize that people have to make their own mistakes, I do think in some "girl time" like if you invite her over for drinks, dinner, something chill you can bring up marriage and maybe approach it such as "Things I wish I knew Before Getting Married..." or something non-confrontational that simply opens the subject up so that you can share some advice, things to look out for etc and maybe she can share any concerns or have a more in depth convo. That's my approach. I try not to come off preachy or like I know better but usually start by using myself as an example or people I know or bring up "I read that so and so..." and try to bring it up in a less confrontational way that usually makes the person want to talk about it more or where I have laid certain issues on the table as food for thought that they can take or leave without making it seem like I'm telling them what to do. That's all you can do. It may go in one ear and out the other...but at least you did bring it to her awareness, so whatever she does with it is on her. We can't save people from themselves no matter how much we want to unfortunately. So although you don't want her to get divorce...that isn't in your control and all you can do is propose some advice and then it is up to her to make her marriage work or not and if it fails, it's up to her to learn from it too. Edited July 25, 2014 by MissBee 4 Link to post Share on other sites
SolG Posted July 26, 2014 Share Posted July 26, 2014 Maybe you could buy her a good marriage preparation book? And just kind of casually give it to her? 'Oh, and btw I was shopping and saw this on special and thought you might like it seeing as you're getting married and all...' May be less intrusive than trying to force a D&M. Then it's her choice whether to read it or not. Link to post Share on other sites
Author d0nnivain Posted July 26, 2014 Author Share Posted July 26, 2014 The book idea is one I never thought of. Knowing her as well as I do if I start a conversation she doesn't want to have she'll just tell me to shut up & mind my own business & we will immediately resume our regularly scheduled friendship, without blinking an eye. If I got her book . . . that's so much more permanent. She'd freak & it would do more harm then good. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted July 26, 2014 Share Posted July 26, 2014 Well you need to leave her to her own devises then. What doesn't kill her will make her stronger or she will continue doing the same thing over and over until she's sick of it and open to reason. Link to post Share on other sites
TouchedByViolet Posted July 28, 2014 Share Posted July 28, 2014 You shouldn't do anything. She has her own issues which you cannot control. If she gets divorced it is 100% her fault and not yours. Sadly some people will never help themselves. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
travelbug1996 Posted July 28, 2014 Share Posted July 28, 2014 i would stay out of her business and just listen if she needs a friend. now if she asks what you think, go in. lol Link to post Share on other sites
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