Space Ritual Posted July 17, 2014 Share Posted July 17, 2014 I'm currently abroad so the whole argument was conducted via email. She recently sent me a message saying she loves me, misses me, and that her opinion of me hasn't changed, etc. Obviously this isn't a satisfactory resolution so we will have to have a conversation face to face when I return (in two weeks! An eternity.) Except now I feel like I have to walk on eggshells. And that I missed - or rather misused- the window of opportunity to have a rational talk about this issue. How can I bring it up again without making another visit to drama city? Also, Grumpybutfun, I thought "trying to pinpoint why" my internal view of myself is the way it is, was part of the problem? That it made me look weak, and gave her the leverage necessary to turn the tables on me, in order to make this whole thing look like *my* problem instead of ours... Why should you have to walk on eggshells? Go dark on her, enjoy what time you have left abroad and be good to yourself. Her act is as fresh as a Foghat Concert so she will just keep twisting you in knots for another two weeks until you see her. Then when you return you can just tell her your expectations from the relationship. If she agrees, fine. If not , move on. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shimi Posted July 17, 2014 Author Share Posted July 17, 2014 (edited) Re-reading this entire thing from the beginning is painful because it makes it clear just how spineless I've been. She agreed to the talk. I'll take Grumpy's advice on how to approach it. If the talk is not satisfactory then the outcome is obvious. It already is, actually, but I want to give it this one last shot. Despite how stupid/desperate that may seem. I also realised that opening up to her, and apologising as much as I did, means that I essentially rewarded her for her behaviour. It's not just a matter of "there are no consequences if I do this". It's actually a case of, "wow, I do this crappy thing, and I get an unprecedented level of openness, communication and compromise from this guy". Not to mention power and leverage. Hard lessons for the future, I guess. Edited July 17, 2014 by Shimi 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted July 17, 2014 Share Posted July 17, 2014 Re-reading this entire thing from the beginning is painful because it makes it clear just how spineless I've been. She agreed to the talk. I'll take Grumpy's advice on how to approach it. If the talk is not satisfactory then the outcome is obvious. It already is, actually, but I want to give it this one last shot. Despite how stupid/desperate that may seem. I also realised that opening up to her, and apologising as much as I did, means that I essentially rewarded her for her behaviour. It's not just a matter of "there are no consequences if I do this". It's actually a case of, "wow, I do this crappy thing, and I get an unprecedented level of openness, communication and compromise from this guy". Not to mention power and leverage. Hard lessons for the future, I guess. She will treat you the way you allow her to treat you, doing nothing is the same as giving her your approval because your allowing her to decide what your inaction really means. Stop compromising yourself, tell her your boundaries, if she can't agree with them part ways. Why waste anymore time on a bad relationship, it's better to find out now rather than 5 years down the line. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BlueIris Posted July 17, 2014 Share Posted July 17, 2014 It’s good to have a conversation- are you giving her all of your passwords first and asking that she please go through all of your stuff? There might be things that seem innocuous to you and could be viewed as worrisome to her, or to someone who’s looking through fear and jealousy. I’m betting that that what’s different this time. She’s demonstrated her loyalty and commitment to you by being transparent, but you haven’t reciprocated and instead have been critical again. Some people are talking in terms of power and hierarchy here- “she now has power over you.” Know that not all people view relationships hierarchically, and will even end a relationship with someone who is hierarchical. Many view relationships as bonding, committing to be a team. When you see someone say, “now he/she has THE power” keep in mind that that person implicitly believes that hierarchy and power struggle are the/a premise of the relationship. I think we all have to ask ourselves occasionally- am I viewing this as a competition or a team? People who are team players tend to be much more successful in the long term, at everything. The best sports teams don’t have chronic internal power struggles and ego battles consuming the energy of the team. The best businesses don’t. The best relationships (of all kinds) don’t. In the same vein, it’s telling that the divorce rate is lowest in egalitarian marriages. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Elle1975 Posted July 17, 2014 Share Posted July 17, 2014 I can only give you my perspective on it. I don't give my personal info to another man when I am in a relationship - phone number, FB, address, etc.. So, I wouldn't be texting another guy, and that's that. If we had common friends, that's another story, but again the convo would look like "Tell you wife to pick up her dam phone". 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shimi Posted July 17, 2014 Author Share Posted July 17, 2014 (edited) Maybe I should be dating you, then. But, honestly, in my age range - 20s - people like you are outliers. Exclusivity, commitment and privacy mean very different things in the digital age of public narcissism. I'm not implying anything about your age bracket, whatever it is... I'm merely pointing out that attitudes have shifted to the point where young women with your outlook are extremely hard to find. Not giving out contact details to the opposite sex because you're in a relationship - while commendable - would strike many people (particularly selfie-posting Facebook generation weirdos) as ridiculous and archaic. Such a proposal would be met with a scoff and a roll of the eyes. Not to mention that it might get in the way of your career (networking, etc.) I admire your principles, and I wish more people were like you... but I can't set my standards that high. Respecting my boundaries by not flirting online, and generally not breaking my trust - that's all I ask for. It's really not that ****ing hard. And yet, for many people, including my girlfriend, it's too much to ask. --- Anyway yes I'll volunteer all my passwords as part of the talk. It'll be weird and difficult for me, but it's worth a shot. But if we're still at an impasse, then there'll be no other choice but to end it. I really, really wish she can convince me that we have a viable future. A future with no more of this ridiculous, childish ****. Edited July 17, 2014 by Shimi Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted July 18, 2014 Share Posted July 18, 2014 You have a problem here in that you have a girlfriend who has been inappropriate once and enjoys flirting with co workers and other men in ways that come close to the inappropriate line. I think there is a very slippery slope from texting to sexting to affairs with sexually charged or flirty banter. Nothing wrong with it if you are not in a committed relationship, but she could use a little understanding on your needs also and to e it down some. If she wants to only be free to develop any kind of dialogue and relation ships with other me. You two should just break up but it is not your fault completely. When you are in a committed relationship some privacy is given up and some boundaries are to be respected. She violated yours on e and is expecting you to just suck it up and let her do what she wants with no concern. You two need more communication and understanding of what you expect and it can't just be that she flirts with whoever she wants and you accept it Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted July 18, 2014 Share Posted July 18, 2014 I really, really wish she can convince me that we have a viable future. A future with no more of this ridiculous, childish ****. Shimi I see her convincing you....and then when it happens again (which it will) you'll be right back here after discovering yet another person she does it with...perhaps even more than one. Getting Ego strokes from people you are not in relationships with are inherently more satisfying to people than getting the same ego stroke from a known quantity....that known quantity being you. Continue this relationship at your own peril....Good Luck. Link to post Share on other sites
lolablue17 Posted July 18, 2014 Share Posted July 18, 2014 (edited) Your girlfriend is loyal, You're not a scumbag, everything is OK! Every R needs drama from time to time, otherwise it becomes obvious and boring. This drama reminds you two not to take it for granted and remember to be happy that you have each other, by those threats. So basically, she looks fine to me. If I was her advisor I would tell her to flirt with a guy (innocently) every few month, without hiding it from you, in order to prevent you from taking her love for granted. And she should be glad that you sometimes snoop (not too often) because it shows that you care for her and it makes you to be apologetic remorseful. You both will be fine! Edited July 18, 2014 by lolablue17 Link to post Share on other sites
BlueIris Posted July 18, 2014 Share Posted July 18, 2014 (edited) Anyway yes I'll volunteer all my passwords as part of the talk. It'll be weird and difficult for me, but it's worth a shot. But if we're still at an impasse, then there'll be no other choice but to end it. I really, really wish she can convince me that we have a viable future. A future with no more of this ridiculous, childish ****. You know, I'd actually write them out on a piece of paper and give them to her and tell her to please read your stuff. 2 reasons: 1. I don't think you want to... and she has willingly done so for you. I don't think you should be upset about "flirtation" unless and until you are subject to the same scrutiny, whether she exercises it or not. But saying, "do you want mine?" isn't fair. Of course, she doesn't. She has never asked for them. Giving them to her (rather than "offering them", so she would have to be "asking" for them) is an act of trust and vulnerability that I think you're resisting- while not appreciating that she has taken those steps. 2. You have far more privacy than she does, and it is easier to be judgmental when we're not being examined. As I thought about whether I'd want a boyfriend or husband to be able to access my internet activity, I thought, NO! He'd know I have a twisted addiction to posting on LoveShack. But really, if my BF had been given full access to my stuff, and he had not given me full access to his... and he got judgey with me, I'd tell him to buzz off. Edited July 18, 2014 by BlueIris 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted July 18, 2014 Share Posted July 18, 2014 Every R needs drama from time to time, otherwise it becomes obvious and boring. This drama reminds you two not to take it for granted and remember to be happy that you have each other, by those threats. LMFAO Wish I could have come up with that answer in court when I was asked what possessed me to kick the living crap out of the guy I found screwing my fiance in my bed 3 weeks before my wedding and sent his ass to the hospital in Serious condition.... Yeah I would have just walked free..... Link to post Share on other sites
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