How long did it take you to get over it?

[sylviaguardian]

It's been 7 months since I discovered my H's A, but probably only about 4 since I knew the full extent of it. 7 months down the line I am definitely not 'over' it. I still think about it several times a day. I am no longer a total mess who can't eat, sleep or even believe it's happening.

 

I think I have moved into the 'acceptance' stage. I no longer wake up and think "My God, I can't believe this is happening to me". But with acceptance comes sadness. I have a great bubble of sadness in me that can surface for no real reason. When I talked about it before I never cried. Now as soon as I start the tears are rolling down my cheeks. Wierd, huh?

 

Now I am just hanging in there, hoping for at least some light at the end of the tunnel.

 

I just wondered what stages other people were at, and how they feel now. What was the main thing that helped you move on.

[Owl]

Syl-

 

It's been just over nine months since my "d-day". I've been through the anger (never did the denial thing...kinda hard to deny with the chat logs in my face and my wife ready to leave the state), the negotiation, and into the acceptance phase myself. I haven't cried about it in a good while...but the grief still raises its head occasionally here too.

 

We can talk about it, but it's not always easy. And we have reached a point where we can joke about it some too, and get a laugh from each other about some aspect or another.

 

I think that there were several things that got me to this point. The first was the day she made her REAL choice to be with me. That happened about three weeks after the affair ended. She made it VERY clear that she wanted to work things out with me, that she still loved me, and that she regretted what she did. The next was when she FINALLY, TRULY ended contact with him (and he ended it with her). That happened about a month and a half after the affair was discovered. She was insistent that they could still "just be friends", but of course I wasn't buying any of that. When that contact finally came to an end, I could see the real change in our relationship. Finally, over the last few months of our "healing", I've gotten to the point where I've really pretty much stopped "checking" on her. And then the other day, she ASKED me to put a keylogger back on both machines...because of worries she had over the kid's online activities. She told me "You know I've got nothing to hide, but the kids have started using my computer a lot more, and that's because they know you've stopped tracking me. You need to make it so we can see what they're doing online, just like you'd done with me before.". That became some seriously concrete proof that she's over what happened as well, and wants to avoid anything coming up again. And I have done what she asked...and she's not once asked for passwords or anything to get into the keylogger. She's watched me go through it's log a few times, so she could see what the kids were doing...but I can tell she's not the least bit nervous about what it might contain.

 

I think the other things that have helped have been how she's been a LOT better about setting boundaries with her online/in game friends. She's still not where I'D like her to be, but she's doing a lot better. There was one guy who made one too many flirty comments last nite in game...I had a direct conversation with him about it...polite, but direct. My wife watched the whole thing...and then thanked me for saying something to him before I got TOO angry or upset, and for talking to him about it reasonably. She appreciated me helping her set those boundaries.

 

Sorry for the wordy response friend. But I guess it's not so much time that heals, or specific things either. But it seems to be seeing everything coming together to help know that it's not going to happen again, and that it's all over. As far as getting past the memories, that seems to take a little longer. But I think that it will get easier after the first year passes. Those are my thoughts anyway.

[reservoirdog1]

I learned the truth about my shattered marriage and TBXW's serial infidelity about a year and a half ago. We separated three months later and will be divorced probably within a month.

 

I would say that I reached acceptance (i.e. stopped thinking "I can't believe this is happening to me") a little over a year ago. Which is not to say that I don't think about the whole s***ty mess every day, several times (because I do)... it's just that it doesn't inspire disbelief anymore. The reality of it is there, and it would be hard not to accept it.

 

I've accepted it. It's been probably 8 months since I last wondered if she and I could try again, or thought "maybe things could have been different if only...".

 

I can't really pinpoint the moment in time (i.e. specifically how long ago) when I started being able to move on, beyond just superficially. One factor was the realization, during the fall, that I no longer had anything that I can call positive feelings left for her. This has enabled me to think of her as "just somebody I used to be in a relationship with."

 

Guys don't tend to cry about things. That was true of me... up until a year and a half ago, I don't think I'd cried (beyond getting a bit misty in sad movies) in about 17 years. I cried more between August 2003 and February 2004 than I had in about 20 years. Haven't since then.

 

I still feel negative emotions towards her and towards the situation. Mostly resentment and anger. Fortunately, those emotions can be channelled into something positive, where sadness cannot. Sadness saps your strength. Anger gets your heart pumping and can act as a motivator.

 

There is light at the end of the tunnel... finding it just takes time.

[debs]

Syl,

 

It has been a just over a year since the discision he was leaving me for his 21yr old.

 

I have moved on but at times I do and will still get sad about all of it.

 

I cannot give you a time table for grief has none.

 

Rest assured you will go through the stages and they will pass and the old saying is very true, give it time!

 

You will be ok, you will laugh again and you will find happiness.

 

Hang in there, most of us have been through it and are still stumbling along the way even to this day!

 

Just know your not alone, your not going insane and you will survive this!

[brashgal]

It's been a little over a year and a half for me since I kicked the ex out. I had known about his affairs but thought he was really over them - I realized that day that although the physical part was on hold, he had never abandoned the emotional part and he never would.

 

The first year and every first holiday without him was hard - I faced this year's holiday season with more excitement, not dread. What made it easier was a full week of no contact about 3 months after he left (he went on a trip). Before that trip I was providing him emotional support and I realized it was just screwing me up - he didn't call me at all that week and I realized that I really didn't miss it or him.

 

I no longer think about it every day, maybe just a couple times a week. Ironically it became easier after he moved in with her - I would have thought it would have been harder but it wasn't. I felt like a chapter in my life had ended.

 

Hang in there Sylvia, it will get better.

[ThumbingMyWay]

Originally posted by sylviaguardian

It's been 7 months since I discovered my H's A, but probably only about 4 since I knew the full extent of it. 7 months down the line I am definitely not 'over' it. I still think about it several times a day. I am no longer a total mess who can't eat, sleep or even believe it's happening.

 

I think I have moved into the 'acceptance' stage. I no longer wake up and think "My God, I can't believe this is happening to me". But with acceptance comes sadness. I have a great bubble of sadness in me that can surface for no real reason. When I talked about it before I never cried. Now as soon as I start the tears are rolling down my cheeks. Wierd, huh?

 

Now I am just hanging in there, hoping for at least some light at the end of the tunnel.

 

I just wondered what stages other people were at, and how they feel now. What was the main thing that helped you move on.

 

 

Hello Sylvia.....

 

its been 7 months 4 days for me. And I am not over "IT" yet either. BUT I am a very far from where I was emotionaly. I am in a much better place. And my marriage is in better standing now. There is light at the end Syl....I can see mine....but I still think about what happend...what got us here....I dont think those thoughts will ever go away...I hope they do though.

 

I think I am in the acceptance stage also. I accept what happened...I accept that WE both made mistakes....unfortunately shes the one who strayed....due to selfeshness....but I also understand that I didnt do all the things I should have to keep her here. I am not taking full blame, but I did contribute to it.....but ultimately, shes the one who choose to do what she did. I know she regrets it. And she knows if she ever does this again....its over. I WILL NOT go through this pain again....and she knows that.

 

What helped me move on?.....the LOVE i have for wife, my FAITH IN GOD and my HOPE for our future is what guides me. Those 3 things are what keeps me above water. I still have bad days though...I guess I have to accept that things are what they are.....BUT I choose to do the right thing...I stay on my path...I TRY not to wander....but it is still hard some days.

 

What is bothering me know is that I am starting to have bad thoughts.....I am wondering what if things didnt work out? where would I be now?....what if they dont work out?...waht if I give 100% and then someday she still decided to leave?....my "box of fear" is still very much alive....and its hard somedays.

 

The last few days have been like this.....and its bothering me....I have thoughts of giving up...and it scares me that I am thinking this way. I try not to think this way...but things seem to pop into my mind...but why?.

 

As far as we have come in our recovery....the games are starting to come back. We are both very stubborn individuals.....in the last few months we have been really good at checking ourselves....but lately, we both are not giving in....I try to take the high road....but dammit, its seems like its always ME that has to give in...and I hate it. She just wont break sometimes....and I wish she could just lose some of her false pride and just be humble....

 

SO...I made a decision TODAY that I will go back on my humble path......do not go back to how I was....WE are both on a trend lately....the stubborn trend....but I will not play these games....show her thru my actions....

 

STAY FOCUSED....STAY ON MY PATH....THIS IS A PROCESS.....GOD WILL SHOW ME THE WAY.....repeat to self over and over and over......

[latesleeper]

Sylviaguardian,

Sorry to hear how bad it has been for you. I'm going to a counsellor and she told me that there's no forgive and forget. We may forgive but forgetting doesn't happen (even if you'd rather). Especially when the hurt is deep. And depending on what your particular issue is. My issue is trust and honesty (among other things!). I am particular about honesty in a relationship. I take a long time trusting people (because of my childhood), but when I do, I really trust them. But if I find that trust violated somehow, boy, how do you forget about it?

I think it'd take awhile, and again depending on how you are, a lot of talking over things, figuring yourself, your needs and each other's needs out. Are you seeing a counsellor? It might help.

Take care.

[sylviaguardian]

Wow, what a mixed bag of responses. Owl - I am pleased for you that your wife seems to have taken stock of her behaviour and is trying to change it. That must be a big motivator.

 

For those who made the decision to leave or were left, I can empathise. I also had long relationship in the past and was dumped in a not very nice way. It's here that I am in a position to give some advice. Before it happened I thought it would be the worst thing that could ever happen to me. When it happened I thought it WAS the worst thing that had ever happened to me. When I look back on it now it was the one of the best things that ever happened to me. And I got through it and became a stronger person. I also realise the value of friends through it.

 

Brashgal - I know exactly how you felt about holidays etc. It was very hard to be alone when I had not made that choice myself. The positive thing is that the human brain is forgetful if it is not constantly jogged. If you have complete closure without contact eventually the feelings you have for that person die and your own life comes much more into focus. You need to avoid contact for a long time though. RD - anger can be a powerful thing, you are right. But the opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. As time goes on, I'm sure your anger will fade along with the other feelings.

 

Thumbs, I am sorry that you are having all these feelings about being left. I don't know what the answer is. From my own perspective, being left is not my main concern. I am more concerned about spending the rest of my life in a marriage that is never truly what it could be. I asked my H during one conversation if his A was all to do with ego and he admitted it wasn't. He truly cared about the OW. This prompted me to ask where I fitted into it all. Why he never considered how much he would hurt me if I found out. His answer was that he was working to control it enough so that I never found out.

 

The upshot is, had I never found the first text, this relationship would have gone into year 2 could have run in parallel with our marriage indefinitely. That's a hard thing to deal with it.

 

I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I need to start thinking about myself more and trying to get more out of my own life, instead of letting the A constantly contaminate my brain.

 

Latesleeper - I know exactly where you are coming from on this one. I too have issues with trust stemming from my childhood. When I trust people, I really trust them. I thought my H was 'different', and because he knew about everthing that had happened that he would never hurt me. His A was a real kick in the teeth and like you, I find it hard to get over it. I feel like I am back at square one all over again, trying to re-build my self-esteem, struggling against becoming cynical etc.

 

We have been to counselling only once. I am not convinced that it would be useful as my H told the counsellor the same diluted versions of things that he told me. I am not convinced that he was willing to think about his own behaviour to any great extent. On top of that, I don't live in the U.S.< I live in Britain (The UK or 'England' as most people in the US call it!). Here, we have no health insurance and counselling has to be paid for us. It cost approx $105 per session and to get a sitter for the kids would add more to that. It wasn't really possible to do it over any length of time.

 

Anyway, time for me to go. I wish all of you well wherever you are at. In the words of Billy Ocean "When the going gets tough, the tough get going"!!

 

Syl

[latesleeper]

Latesleeper - I know exactly where you are coming from on this one. I too have issues with trust stemming from my childhood. When I trust people, I really trust them. I thought my H was 'different', and because he knew about everthing that had happened that he would never hurt me. His A was a real kick in the teeth and like you, I find it hard to get over it. I feel like I am back at square one all over again, trying to re-build my self-esteem, struggling against becoming cynical etc.

Syl

 

Hi Syl,

 

Yeah, I thought the same, that he knew all about my past and wouldn't hurt me. In my case, No A happened -- thank goodness -- and you may be wondering what the heck am I so anal about? Well, I found out some things that I wouldn't be told if I didn't find them out myself. He was dishonest -- well, to him he just "chose" not to tell me because he didn't find the things relevant to our relationship. Including keeping in touch with an ex-colleague for over four years that I knew nothing about! It hurts. I don't want to treat him like he actually had an A, but it's just me thinking I knew him and find out I don't really! OUCH!!!!!! And my self being the way I am, I became distrustful, wondering how many things don't I know, etc. It's unfair in some ways to him, and I don't want to ruin the relationship...

 

I think because you are aware that you don't want to become cynical and not trust again, you will succeed. You sound a loving and insightful person, so hang in there!

 

Take care.

[sylviaguardian]

Originally posted by latesleeper

 

you may be wondering what the heck am I so anal about?

 

He was dishonest -- well, to him he just "chose" not to tell me because he didn't find the things relevant to our relationship. Including keeping in touch with an ex-colleague for over four years that I knew nothing about!

Take care.

 

Latesleeper,

 

I don't think that you are being anal to be hurt by this. My H never actually slept with this woman either - the biggest hurt for me is that he kep that part of his life hidden from me for about a year and a half. He really did have two relationships going at the same time, even if there was no sex. Don't think you are over-reacting. You have probably caught things at a good point now - you have identified a weakness without there being any real damage done. The question you need to be addressing is why he thought it was OK to keep this a secret from you. It's not easy though to go from 100% trust to being on guard again is it?

 

Syl

[I Survived]

Being able to trust him - that's one of the toughest things to do. He lied to me, hid things from me, deceived me. And I never saw it coming. I never expected him to do that to me. We had gone through so much together. We had an A, we were both married to other people, we both had kids. And we made the big decision to stay together. It was a very very painful experience. We hurt our spouses, children, our friends. So either one of us having an A again was so totally out of the question. But it did happen and when it did it caught me off guard. I stood back and really looked at him and wondered, who is he and what have I gotten myself into? So after his A, and through lots of talking and counseling, we discovered that we both felt so guilty about what we had done to our first marriages, we didn't feel as though we deserved to be happy in our own. We had been together for 10 years before we married. We were married two years when he ventured off with her. We had never been US. We had been two people, living in the same house, sharing an address and a last name but we were never US. Believe me, we are now, because we COMMUNICATED OUR FEELINGS TO EACH OTHER. It was funny (yes ha ha funny) to hear him say, "I feel..." because I felt the same way. Communication = Connection. Remember the saying "Feel the fear and do it anyway" well, it could also be "Feel the fear and SAY it anyway" There have been many times that I thought to myself "this is crazy, he'll think I so nuts for thinking this" but I say it and 99% of the times, he says "I know what you mean because I feel the same way". Our life together is so much better now. We are an US, a couple. I even got a tree ornament this past Christmas that said "Our First Christmas Together" When we put it on the tree - in a very prominent place, we cried and held each other. I love him so much.

[latesleeper]

Originally posted by sylviaguardian

Latesleeper,

 

I don't think that you are being anal to be hurt by this. My H never actually slept with this woman either - the biggest hurt for me is that he kep that part of his life hidden from me for about a year and a half. He really did have two relationships going at the same time, even if there was no sex. Don't think you are over-reacting. You have probably caught things at a good point now - you have identified a weakness without there being any real damage done. The question you need to be addressing is why he thought it was OK to keep this a secret from you. It's not easy though to go from 100% trust to being on guard again is it?

 

Syl

 

Syl,

 

You understand exactly. Yes, we are working on why he thought it was ok to keep secrets from me. When I asked him first why he didn't tell me about her, he said he knew what I "was like". And I said, you knew what I was like, and still you didn't tell me? How is that going to make it better?

 

Sigh... Yes, I'm so glad I identified something we need to work on that's really important. And yes, I'm not sure how I can let down my guard and trust him 100% again. But I feel I need to, because I want to love him wholly, know what I mean?

 

Sometimes I wonder if I'm making things worse because it doesn't seem a big deal to him and doesn't seem to mean much at all because he really felt that nothing was going on at all. (Then of course I ask, then why didn't you just tell me or mention it? And his response -- see above 1st para.) I wonder if because I'm putting more significance to it, it will become more significant to him although initially it didn't matter in the big scheme of us at all. So many confusing thoughts!

 

I would like to find out more about what happened in your situation. Is there another thread where you spoke more about it?

 

take care and thanks for sharing.

[latesleeper]

Originally posted by Still Hurting

Being able to trust him - that's one of the toughest things to do. He lied to me, hid things from me, deceived me. And I never saw it coming. I never expected him to do that to me. We had gone through so much together. ...<snip> Believe me, we are now, because we COMMUNICATED OUR FEELINGS TO EACH OTHER. It was funny (yes ha ha funny) to hear him say, "I feel..." because I felt the same way. Communication = Connection. Remember the saying "Feel the fear and do it anyway" well, it could also be "Feel the fear and SAY it anyway" There have been many times that I thought to myself "this is crazy, he'll think I so nuts for thinking this" but I say it and 99% of the times, he says "I know what you mean because I feel the same way". Our life together is so much better now. We are an US, a couple. I even got a tree ornament this past Christmas that said "Our First Christmas Together" When we put it on the tree - in a very prominent place, we cried and held each other. I love him so much.

 

Still Hurting,

Yes, trust is so precious. I'm glad to hear that you have opened communication and things are so much better. It must be a relief. What did you do as a couple to open communication, honest communication, besides counselling? My H doesn't believe in counselling and wants to work on it by ourselves. I must say he is trying. So hoping for the best.

[sylviaguardian]

Originally posted by latesleeper

Yes, we are working on why he thought it was ok to keep secrets from me. When I asked him first why he didn't tell me about her, he said he knew what I "was like". And I said, you knew what I was like, and still you didn't tell me? How is that going to make it better?

 

Ha,ha, ha! Heard that one before as well. My H started off telling me that he kept things secret because I was a 'jealous' person. Lately, he's admitted that the 2 women I had a problem with, did not have good intentions. So probably not jealous but 'intuitive'.

 

Sigh... Yes, I'm so glad I identified something we need to work on that's really important. And yes, I'm not sure how I can let down my guard and trust him 100% again. But I feel I need to, because I want to love him wholly, know what I mean?

 

You know, I don't know if you know about marriage builders, but I went there and it said that trusting ANYBODY 100% is wrong because that assumes that they are infallible people, which of course we aren't. I know that I will never trust my H 100% again, but I'm not sure that is a bad thing. There has to be a certain amount of awareness going on.

 

Sometimes I wonder if I'm making things worse because it doesn't seem a big deal to him and doesn't seem to mean much at all because he really felt that nothing was going on at all. (Then of course I ask, then why didn't you just tell me or mention it? And his response -- see above 1st para.) I wonder if because I'm putting more significance to it, it will become more significant to him although initially it didn't matter in the big scheme of us at all. So many confusing thoughts!

 

Wow - been here before as well. I am sorry to say this, but if it doesn't matter you tell your partner. I am not trying to say that it was a huge love affair or anything, but don't think that you are just being crazy. How would he feel if you were doing it?

 

I would like to find out more about what happened in your situation. Is there another thread where you spoke more about it?

 

I have a few threads but my first started something like Really need some help from you guys, in September or thereabouts.

 

 

Take care and hang in there. I know it's all confusing just now but eventually things will become clearer.

 

Syl

[latesleeper]

Hey Syl,

 

Thanks for all the supportive things you said!

 

I asked H a few times if the woman was trying to be "funny". He said no, and give him some credit, he can tell if anyone is trying to be "funny." Well, I said, men are sometimes not as on the ball as women when it comes to feeling the "funnies." But he said nothing was funny. But last week, I thought about the stuff that I wasn't sure about (how they talked a few times for a couple of hours past midnight, for example) and wrote them down for H (sort of under the heading, I'm not crazy, I'm not illogical, my concerns are based on the behaviour that happened). He said he'd answer all my questions, so I'm waiting.

 

As for your H, he said he knew the 2 women did not have good intentions, but why didn't he brush them off then?

 

yes, I went to marriage builders but did not read the article you mentioned. I read about radical honesty (and gave a copy to my H, but I don't know if he read it) and negotiation.

 

How would my H feel if I'm doing it? I asked him that before and he said that if I was still the same to him, the affection and love are still there, and I did not neglect our relationship or was in any way distant or different, he would just trust me. And he always has. He's never questioned, but then of course, I don't go for dinners with other men without telling him, and he knows about all the friends I have, male and female. Well then, I told him, you're more magnanimous than I am! And anyway, I tell him everything, because, I said, I don't want him to even have a chance to suspect anything.

 

Well, I have been writing my H notes about how I feel and my anger and hurt and giving them to him. I also added in notes when I feel grateful that he's being patient and willing to answer my questions.

 

At times I really feel awful when I wonder if there was attraction, affection and closeness. There was no big A, but even then, I feel awful because this is a man I thought I knew 99% and I trusted quite completely and whom I thought would never hurt me. (Ok, maybe it wasn't intentional, or he didn't really think about it, and yet he said he knew what I "was like' and so didn't tell me things.)

 

I feel a wimp, for such a relatively small thing (as compared to a full-blown A) to upset my whole world. I'm not sure how that hole in the middle of my chest and stomach can be healed...

 

Thanks for listening. I'll look for your previous threads. And keep your comments and thoughts coming. Take care!

[Owl]

Latesleeper-

 

You really should start your own thread here friend. List your full story so that you can get the advice and support of everyone. It's hard for most of us to get a "big picture" of what you're dealing with when we're trying to pull it from multiple threads.

[latesleeper]

Hi Owl,

 

Heh, sorry about that folks. I feel like keeping in the background kinda. Having my own thread is like... having a spotlight on myself. And I feel a bit of a wimp when there are so many folks out there dealing with some more difficult issues and problems. I'm learning quite a bit just reading what you people write and how you deal. Full of admiration too. Hence, more of the wimp feeling. But ok, I'll think about it... Meanwhile, can I still just jump in?

[sylviaguardian]

Hi Latesleeper,

 

I can relate to so many of the things you have said, it's just not funnY!

 

 

Originally posted by latesleeper

But last week, I thought about the stuff that I wasn't sure about (how they talked a few times for a couple of hours past midnight, for example) and wrote them down for H (sort of under the heading, I'm not crazy, I'm not illogical, my concerns are based on the behaviour that happened). He said he'd answer all my questions, so I'm waiting.

 

i had to resort to doing exactly the same thing because H thought he'd explained everything and that I was being paranoid. I made him sit down and explain things like 4 texts in quick succession, first thing in the morning, texting at 3am etc.

 

As for your H, he said he knew the 2 women did not have good intentions, but why didn't he brush them off then?

 

OK, the first person I am referring to was nothing much but it was indicative of a pattern. Before we got married, he had a close female friend (who WAS married, but probably not that happily). When I came on the scene, she made it clear that she was not impressed with me taking up all his time (girls, you will know where I am coming from on this one). Anyway, I was not 100% happy about the situation - I had the vibes that her intentions towards US were not good, but I couldn't say too much about it. After all they had been friends before, and she was married. One weekend I went away on a course and I phoned him late at night - he wasn't in. When I came back I asked him where he had been and he said that he had popped out to the shop. I then told him that I had phoned him a couple of times and that the last time was pretty late. he then admitted that she had invited him to her house for dinner and drinks as they 'were both at a loose end'. I went mad and we almost didn't get married because of it.

 

Now, I am not saying that they slept together or anything, but it is obvious to me now that we were playing by different sets of rules - I did what I thought he would like, and he did what he liked! Now we have landed up in this s***ty mess, it's the first time that he has seen that his behaviour was perhaps not right!

 

He's never questioned, but then of course, I don't go for dinners with other men without telling him, and he knows about all the friends I have, male and female. Well then, I told him, you're more magnanimous than I am! And anyway, I tell him everything, because, I said, I don't want him to even have a chance to suspect anything.

This all sounds so familiar to my own situation. I am starting to think that sometimes the person who has less 'power' in the relationship tries so hard not to make the other person suspicious and to be 'good' whereas the person with more power just cannot see anything wrong with what they are doing.

 

Well, I have been writing my H notes about how I feel and my anger and hurt and giving them to him. I also added in notes when I feel grateful that he's being patient and willing to answer my questions.

 

All I would say is make sure that you do get answers!

 

At times I really feel awful when I wonder if there was attraction, affection and closeness. There was no big A, but even then, I feel awful because this is a man I thought I knew 99% and I trusted quite completely and whom I thought would never hurt me. (Ok, maybe it wasn't intentional, or he didn't really think about it, and yet he said he knew what I "was like' and so didn't tell me things.)

 

I feel a wimp, for such a relatively small thing (as compared to a full-blown A) to upset my whole world. I'm not sure how that hole in the middle of my chest and stomach can be healed...

 

Don't worry - you are not alone. In every affair, i think it's the betrayal and the feeling that you don't know this person that hurts. Obviously, the more they do, the worse things are but really it's down to having all your trust blown away.

 

 

All I would say to you latesleeper is trust your instinct, get the answers that you need and don't be apologetic about it. You came here because a part of you has been blown away. Don't feel that you have an 'inferior problem'. Sometimes stuff affects people differently.

 

Take care Hon,

 

Syl

[latesleeper]

Hey Syl,

 

First of all, thanks for being so wise!

Second, I realise I may have inadvertently hijacked part of your thread by posting my own issues, and I'm sorry if I did!

 

About your reply above:

 

How did you make your H sit down and talk to you? Was he tired and defensive and angry at the "interrogation"? How'd you get anything constructive out of it?

 

The first MW incident before you got married to your H -- how did you get over that when you went mad about it at first? Must have been a struggle... I hope your H really see what a great person you are for trusting him and investing so much in your marriage.

 

Thanks for all your encouragement. I'm going to keep some other stuff for PMs, so I won't hijack your thread.

 

Thanks for all your encouraging posts in this site!

 

Take care too! And goes for anyone reading this thread and needing support.

[broken wings]

My h had an affair two years ago and I can't get over it.

She works in the same building and is single. He swears hw doesn't even see her but how is, that possible? I don't know what to do. They have their yearly christmas party which, spouses are not invited. He still attends even

knowing how much it bothers me. What do I do??????

[sylviaguardian]

No wonder you can't get it over it! If he still has to work there, it's the least he can do not to attend.

[whichwayisup]

Tell him if he goes to the party it's over. Trust me, that will have some affect on him.

 

If he chooses to go instead of understanding your thoughts/pain about this, then he is a fool and let him go.

[cranium]

MW's company holiday party is coming up. Her xOM does not work with her company anymore, but chances are pretty good he will show up. I will be there with her. If I wasn't invited, there is no way she goes.

 

Same for your H. If you are not invited, he doesn't go.