Kansas Posted July 16, 2014 Share Posted July 16, 2014 So I exposed an affair ... I did not know the man but an friend knew for a fact that the person on the other side of the affair (his wife) was having an affair. I knew for a fact that he did not know and exposed it. I thought it only fair that he know what was going on. My spouse thinks I've meddled in their affairs. I think that if I was in the spouses shoes I would want to know. What would you do? Would you tell? Even if you did not know the people involved? The spouse was thankful and was completely blindsided and their spouse came clean when they were confronted. Thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
daisydook Posted July 16, 2014 Share Posted July 16, 2014 I would be thankful to anyone who told me. I was cheated and I had the pleasure of finding out by myself. Little did I know, there were people who knew exactly what was going on and NEVER told me a damn thing. People I considered friends. A stranger telling me would have been my best friend at that time, more than any of the crappy people in my life covering it up. In the past, I have actually tried to be the person to tell friends this and it never went well, so I choose to try my hardest to stay out of things, however, I am a realist and will actually listen to people and not blatantly defend a cheater, even if it is my partner. I may not have listened until I saw it with my own two eyes, had this actually happened 18 months ago. It didnt and I discovered it alone... literally all alone. I would want to know. Even now, if my boyfriend was cheating on me, I would rather go through the pain of knowing and being told, than not knowing and finding out on my own, or worse, never finding out. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 16, 2014 Share Posted July 16, 2014 At most, I'd present irrefutable evidence and leave it at that. If a potential BS, same. I'd prefer just the facts in evidence and I'd take care of the rest. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
atreides Posted July 16, 2014 Share Posted July 16, 2014 I would also appreciate to know... those that say otherwise... i wonder what form of cheating whether it is money, work, what have you justifies knowing... many make a delineation for example via money vs infidelity in that "of course if i am cheated out money" funny thing is, at its core, infidelity is the worst kind.... money and transactions pales in comparison to giving one's heart and soul, trust and life long commitment and then have it betrayed... says a lot about what that person expects and sees themselves as in life. Link to post Share on other sites
mrs rubble Posted July 17, 2014 Share Posted July 17, 2014 I would want to know for sure. I've exposed a cheater before- I'd been having a casual FWB thing with an old flame, a very highly sexed guy, he was quite risque and was also picking up men from a gay bar for oral sex too. I found out thru mutual friends he was engaged at the time, so ended the casual sex and told his fiance. Of course she didn't believe a word and went ahead and married him and had a kid with him anyway. Now we'll just wait on the fallout to happen, I'm sure it will. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted July 18, 2014 Share Posted July 18, 2014 You did fine. Your conscience is functioning properly. Other people, not so much. Link to post Share on other sites
SJS Posted July 18, 2014 Share Posted July 18, 2014 If I did not even know the couple, I would not tell as it's not my business. They may have an arrangement of some sort. I don't think it sounds good either--"well I heard from a friend of a friend"...just not a reputable source, unless you're showing proof of some sort. But then you're putting the idea in their head so they can start their own investigating. If it were a couple that I knew, I'm not sure...again, not my business, but I would hate to see one ruining the others life. And I would have to know for sure, not just think there may be an affair going on. Now to flip it, if my spouse was cheating on me, yes I'd want to know even if it's a bit contradictory to my feelings above. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Clockwork Posted July 18, 2014 Share Posted July 18, 2014 I would want to know if my wife was cheating on me. For starters, you have every right to know this because you should know all the facts before making your mind. It is unfair for you to not know all the facts. Secondly, there could be an STD they pick up and pass it on to you. Big issue. Also, it is a respect thing. Do you want to be that person walking around town where everyone knows your better half is screwing around and you don't? As for telling others when I see things happening. Hmmm. That's tough. A close friend, a family member, no doubt I would. Heck, you have to, you can't keep that lid shut. I remember seeing a friend of a friend at a bar once. He was a fun loving guy. I had heard he had gotten engaged to his longtime girlfriend. Then he introduces us to his "girlfriend" at this bar. He'd had a few drinks, but he still calmly told us this was his girlfriend. I told my wife, "Well maybe he broke off the engagement." Not so. A couple weeks later the guy is having his bachelor party. That summer he gets married, not to the girl at the bar, but his normal girlfriend. We told our friends but since he wasn't my friend I left it there. Another time I got an email from a mutual friend I had with one of my buddies. Turns out he was having sex with her, despite being engaged. This is my close, close friend and my girlfriend - at the time - was very close to his fiance. So I told her because she hacked into my emails anyway. She struggled to tell her friend, but eventually she did and boy did my buddy get the riot act read to him. They got married but didn't last 5 years and are divorced now. Figures. But this email I got explained a lot of the escapades they had. Even things like places they went, promises he made to her and such. She even described his penis, no kidding. She wanted to "out" him and was going to call his fiance. Eventually she did and that was the same day my girlfriend told his fiance about what was going on. How you stay with someone after that is beyond me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jackslife Posted July 18, 2014 Share Posted July 18, 2014 Depends on the relationship I had with the affairee. If it was the wife of a mate I'd tell her to fess up and if she didn't I'd tell him. If it was a mate cheating on a wife, I'd give him advice on affairs being disastrous and suggest he sort his marriage out, but wouldn't tell wife. Beyond that it's non of my business what other people do or how they conduct themselves. Telling on virtual strangers seems odd to me. What thrill do you get from taking the moral high ground and getting involved in other peoples relationships? Is it the chance to feel morally superior or does it give you the chance to be self satisfied? If someone shone a torch in your private life and they discovered something you wouldn't want a spouse, friends or family (or the taxman) to know. Would you want a stranger grassing you up? I'm an atheist but "Let he without sin cast the first stone" seems like sound advice. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 18, 2014 Share Posted July 18, 2014 I think most people would want to know but unless I really knew the person well I doubt I'd be the bearer of bad news. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kansas Posted August 6, 2014 Author Share Posted August 6, 2014 Depends on the relationship I had with the affairee. If it was the wife of a mate I'd tell her to fess up and if she didn't I'd tell him. If it was a mate cheating on a wife, I'd give him advice on affairs being disastrous and suggest he sort his marriage out, but wouldn't tell wife. Beyond that it's non of my business what other people do or how they conduct themselves. Telling on virtual strangers seems odd to me. What thrill do you get from taking the moral high ground and getting involved in other peoples relationships? Is it the chance to feel morally superior or does it give you the chance to be self satisfied? If someone shone a torch in your private life and they discovered something you wouldn't want a spouse, friends or family (or the taxman) to know. Would you want a stranger grassing you up? I'm an atheist but "Let he without sin cast the first stone" seems like sound advice. The AP runs in the same circle as my spouse. My spouse was out one night with a group of acquaintances and the AP was going on and on about the wife of the MM and how they were finally out in the open and that a divorce was imminent ... He was planning on proposing ASAP ... He had picked out the ring and went on about how he was happy things were official now and the two of them were finally able to move on with their new life together. They were going to move into their new home (which BS had built and paid for not knowing there was another man) and he couldn't wait to be a dad to the kids (6month old twins and a 3 year old). He went on about how the "schmuck" (BS) didn't even know he was setting things up for their future and he'd be "funding their happiness" together as a family .... The longer he didn't know the better, as this was financially in the AP advantage. The BS travels a lot for work, so AP would move in when BS was out of town and they would play house. Maybe I cast the first stone, and maybe I am a complete stranger but if he' (AP) is screaming it from the rooftops, I figured why shouldn't the BS be in on what's being screamed? He is making it happen after all, at least financially ... He'll be sharing his kids with this man so if he does not know, he should not be a fool to be lied to about how it all started. And if they truly had an arrangement of sorts then my telling him would not phase the BS at all. It would be old news. Turns out he didn't know. She is "reconciling" with her spouse (according to the grapevine) but she's also been seen out looking cozy with AP since so whose to say. I gave the warning. Up to them now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Foxinthesnow Posted August 6, 2014 Share Posted August 6, 2014 I think you did the right thing. If this was going on and one of my friends knew and didn't say anything, I'd be short one friend when it all came out Link to post Share on other sites
jackslife Posted August 6, 2014 Share Posted August 6, 2014 The AP runs in the same circle as my spouse. My spouse was out one night with a group of acquaintances and the AP was going on and on about the wife of the MM and how they were finally out in the open and that a divorce was imminent ... He was planning on proposing ASAP ... He had picked out the ring and went on about how he was happy things were official now and the two of them were finally able to move on with their new life together. They were going to move into their new home (which BS had built and paid for not knowing there was another man) and he couldn't wait to be a dad to the kids (6month old twins and a 3 year old). He went on about how the "schmuck" (BS) didn't even know he was setting things up for their future and he'd be "funding their happiness" together as a family .... The longer he didn't know the better, as this was financially in the AP advantage. The BS travels a lot for work, so AP would move in when BS was out of town and they would play house. Maybe I cast the first stone, and maybe I am a complete stranger but if he' (AP) is screaming it from the rooftops, I figured why shouldn't the BS be in on what's being screamed? He is making it happen after all, at least financially ... He'll be sharing his kids with this man so if he does not know, he should not be a fool to be lied to about how it all started. And if they truly had an arrangement of sorts then my telling him would not phase the BS at all. It would be old news. Turns out he didn't know. She is "reconciling" with her spouse (according to the grapevine) but she's also been seen out looking cozy with AP since so whose to say. I gave the warning. Up to them now. Having heard the full details I think you were right to. There's a thread here somewhere of a chap who was cheated on and most of the WS friends knew. Non of the husbands of those wives gave him the heads up. Link to post Share on other sites
EverySunset Posted August 6, 2014 Share Posted August 6, 2014 I hate the drama it brings, but I always tell. In the rare instance when I cannot prove it, I probably shouldn't know anyway (3rd hand info) or other mitigating circumstances, I throw a warning shot across the cheaters bow and leave it at that. I barely skirted some STDs when my STBXH cheated and was grateful for those who hinted or tried to speak up to me... Always tell. Even if you lose the friend, you can save their life, their fertility... My cousin died from what she got from her POS longtime boyfriend. She couldn't have babies... Started to dig to find out why... so sad. She had @6 weeks to live after she discovered why. Not fair. She was good hearted, faithful and so sweet. All she wanted to do was have a baby. Everyone, inc her POS boyfriend, was devastated. Always tell. Link to post Share on other sites
ForeverTainted Posted August 7, 2014 Share Posted August 7, 2014 I would say when you know the person is not only being cheated on physically but also going to be screwed over financially then yes, it was the good thing to do. After all if you saw a robbery you would report it. Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted August 7, 2014 Share Posted August 7, 2014 I would want to know as heartbroken as I would be. I couldn't stay in a marriage full of infidelity or dishonesty. I would find it too hard to move forward and forgive without wondering if it would keep happening. Link to post Share on other sites
redtail Posted August 7, 2014 Share Posted August 7, 2014 Yes, absolutely, since I firmly believe, ignorance is not bliss. You did good! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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