Struggling with the end...(this one, at least)

[OverIt75]

I am really hoping this post doesn't get transferred to the marriage/infidelity board. I know some of you who post on this board are married. I really need the support of TOW (and TOMs!) right now (married or not!).

 

I am in the 'process' of breaking it off with MM right now. We've been friends for many years (14+) and found ourselves in an A last fall. He is older than me and happens to be my boss. I know; a mess.

 

He is married with adult children; I am married with two younger children (8 and 10). This has been brewing for over a decade. He's just the person who gets me, who I get, who I'm more attracted to than anyone I can remember, who I find mental stimulation with, we laugh together, and physically - there is no comparison. Honestly, it would be easier for me if I never knew how we could be together.

 

I am just posting here for lack of a better thing to do. I am struggling. I told him a few weeks ago that I couldn't do this anymore. He had a D-Day of sorts only 6 weeks into our A, and then another one (that confirmed everything except my identity) 3 months ago. We tried to break it off at our second D-Day, but just couldn't. Since I told him it was over, I have weakened twice. We had another conversation today, and I have no doubt it HAS to be done. At least right now. But I am in love with him, and he with me.

 

This is one of the most painful things I've ever been through - and that reality makes me feel even more like a selfish, terrible person. But I have been in absolute turmoil, misery, depressed, sometimes angry, etc. Yet I can't share my feelings with anyone - I live a different life at home and with him, I keep it inside...because it just never goes away. We can't discuss this 24x7. I live inside deception. My stomach is in knots 90% of the time.

 

Our latest conversation was around me just being so exhausted. He and I both think there could be a future together, after some time. But I almost feel like I have to let this go entirely to be able to heal. I am nothing like myself. I am not typically a weak, emotional disaster. I am strong, happy, fun, carefree. But not now.

 

My H does not know at this time. He senses a difference in me and we've had a couple of conversations. But right now I am choosing not to confess.

 

I just need your support. I want to stay soft towards him, so we can enjoy a friendship and have a potential future. But pulling away gives me emotional distance. I just don't know. I don't know how to handle this anymore. I feel like I'm at a breaking point.

 

Need wisdom...thank you.

[DKT3]

so you still stringing your H along as your backup while trying to get MM to leave huh?

 

You being used and you know it, he has as much as told you.

 

The bottom line is you need to end one of the relationships. Since mr wonderful MM is your everything why not let your husband in on your great love affair so he can have the same chance to find someone who will love him.

 

I'm not sure what kind of support your looking for, but you can't continue like this. Its not good for your physical or emotional health.

 

I wish you the best but you have to decide.

[whichwayisup]

My H does not know at this time. He senses a difference in me and we've had a couple of conversations. But right now I am choosing not to confess.

 

I just need your support. I want to stay soft towards him, so we can enjoy a friendship and have a potential future. But pulling away gives me emotional distance. I just don't know. I don't know how to handle this anymore. I feel like I'm at a breaking point.

If you end it, you gotta walk away for good. To keep a friendship going and hanging onto hope of a future with him will just continue the affair (EA) on some level. you two can't be friends, just ask any OW here who has tried to maintain one...It doesn't work.

 

Counseling will help you sort this out in a healthy way and give you some coping skills as to how to handle the stress and anxiety of this situation.

 

Your husband isn't stupid, he knows something is very off and it's only a matter of time before he figures it out. Also, there's a good chance MM's wife will contact your husband, so you might want to consider being the one who tells him the truth. Your H may know already and be waiting for you to come clean.

 

If you have any respect for your husband, really think about what it is you're doing to him and to your family. This affects everybody not just you.

[OverIt75]

Whichwayisup, thank you. I know in my logical brain that I truly have to walk away, entirely. It's just all complicated by a big loop - if I walk away, I have to quit my job, and if I quit my job, I need to be able to tell my H why, and if I tell my H why, I am either divorcing or this whole thing is over...and I'm not ready, for either at this point.

 

I'm not looking for sympathy in the above comment. Just stating how I feel.

 

I am in counseling now, once a week. Trying to get my act together. I just never knew I could feel polar opposite feelings in the span of 24 hours. It is miserable. I don't wish this on anyone. And of course don't wish it on my H or children.

[OverIt75]

Hello there DKT3...since my other thread got shut down, I didn't know if we'd be talking again.

 

so you still stringing your H along as your backup while trying to get MM to leave huh?

 

I guess I am. I am not doing it intentionally to be harmful to him. It is just that I feel trapped. Or okay, I've been a selfish #itch and a cake eater.

 

You being used and you know it, he has as much as told you.

 

There's more to it than that...but won't bother defending it here.

 

The bottom line is you need to end one of the relationships. Since mr wonderful MM is your everything why not let your husband in on your great love affair so he can have the same chance to find someone who will love him.

 

He is not available right now. If he was, I would probably be closer to a decision. That's why I'm trying to end it and dedicate myself to my H and M. I am hoping by doing so, my feelings will follow. I know all of this would be absolute bs if I was in my H's shoes. I don't know what else to say.

 

I'm not sure what kind of support your looking for, but you can't continue like this. Its not good for your physical or emotional health.

 

The support I am looking for is in telling me, you WILL get over this, you can rebuild your marriage, this too shall pass. If all of those things are lies, then I guess I need the 2x4. In the last few weeks, my hair is suddenly falling out at an accelerated rate...disturbing.

 

I wish you the best but you have to decide.

 

Thank you. I know.

[whatatangledweb]

You can rebuild your marriage if you work at it. You can get over your MM but you need distance. If you don't want to tell your husband the truth then lie about why you are quitting. Stress does effect your health. Please choose one or the other before you get ill.

[DKT3]

I agree, but she has to get over MM before she can work on the marriage.

 

Problem is she isn't going to take the steps. I feel she will float along until it blows up in her face.

 

Ps I think you were talking a lot with lovinDKT and not me.

[Artie Lang]

you know exactly what you have to do.

 

i agree that you're keeping your husband on standby just in case this affair doesn't have the potential you seek. i mean c'mon, you two have already discussed a possible future togther.

 

 

i suggest you end it with your husband since you refuse to do what's necessary to be a truthful and honest wife.

 

your husband and this OM's wife deserve better than what you two are dishing them.

 

 

keep up this charade is not a good way to regain your DIGNITY. honesty is a good start, though.

Edited July 17, 2014 by Artie Lang

[wind willow]

The support I am looking for is in telling me, you WILL get over this, you can rebuild your marriage, this too shall pass.

 

So are you saying you want to rebuild your marriage?

 

First step is to decide what you want.

 

He is not available right now. If he was, I would probably be closer to a decision.

 

If MOM didn't exist, would you want to be with your husband or not?

 

Are you trying to get off one branch but just afraid to let go of it before you've got another firmly in hand or are you holding onto that branch because it's where you want to be?

[OverIt75]

so you still stringing your H along as your backup while trying to get MM to leave huh?

 

You being used and you know it, he has as much as told you.

 

The bottom line is you need to end one of the relationships. Since mr wonderful MM is your everything why not let your husband in on your great love affair so he can have the same chance to find someone who will love him.

 

I'm not sure what kind of support your looking for, but you can't continue like this. Its not good for your physical or emotional health.

 

I wish you the best but you have to decide.

 

Sorry DKT3 - I just meant I recalled you replying to my first thread a few times.

[OverIt75]

So are you saying you want to rebuild your marriage?

 

First step is to decide what you want.

 

 

 

If MOM didn't exist, would you want to be with your husband or not?

 

Are you trying to get off one branch but just afraid to let go of it before you've got another firmly in hand or are you holding onto that branch because it's where you want to be?

 

I honestly don't know if I want my M. But the issue I have is that I did NOT feel this way before MM and I started our A. I was 'fine' before. I keep thinking that leaving my H for my MM is not the healthy reason to end a marriage...that I should want it for other reasons. I feel like I was living in blissful ignorance before, that things were good enough...and now I have all this comparison material in my head and heart, thus now questioning my M. Geez.

[DKT3]

No one here is going to talk you in or out of doing anything, or comfort you. All we can do its give you different ways to think about or veiw it.

 

You a smart woman, and you know that a relationship between you and MM would never work and that is why you hang on to your husband. You want to confess, but you know if you do, you will lose one or both men. I think deep down you know your husband would leave you, but in the process he would likely blow up your affair as well.

 

The fix is clear as day, you know it, we all know it. As I said you can't continue, so many people will be hurt here. The best way to minimize everyones pain is to stop the affair. Sure you will have a hard time, but honestly so what it is your own doing. Quit the job, stop making excuses as to why you can't because you can. You were looking for a job when you found this one. Go NC with the other man for a period of time during that time commit to your family. If at the end of that period MM still dominates your mind then its time to let your husband go. Not to sound harsh but he deserves better then what your giving him. Imagine yourself in his position, knowing that your only with him because you can't have the MM. How would you feel? Like you deserve better?

 

Alast, do something, before its done for you. Its really only a matter of time.

[wind willow]

What you describe is something that happened with me with an ex bf. I didn't see anything wrong with the relationship. But I ended up growing close as friends to another guy which made me realize that my bf didn't make me happy. I started looking at pics from the last few years we were together and noticed how unhappy I looked. I also realized how unhappy he seemed with me and how everything I did seemed to displease him. I realized there were incompatibilities that just couldn't be fixed and we were both hanging on out of convenience. I broke up with him. It was the right decision.

 

Sometimes meeting someone else is just a case of thinking the grass is greener on the other side. Sometimes it's the catalyst to seeing the faults in a relationship that isn't going to work.

 

If you don't know which your situation is and can't decided while the MOM is in the picture, I think for your children's sake, you should take time away from the MOM to figure out if your marriage can work without MOM involved.

Edited July 18, 2014 by wind willow

[Soverysad123]

Hello.

 

I can identify with your situation.

 

I too met a guy and had an affair. Both of us married. I thought he was my everything, I thought about him day and night. Texted, email, talked on the phone all the time. We saw each other every couple of weeks - sometimes weekly. I experienced a different level of connection with him that I had not had before. I felt we were made for each other but I also was married to a great guy (still am) and we have young ish children and I felt guilty and torn all the time. I knew it was so wrong but convinced myself that because what we felt for each other was right it was ok. We broke up a few times but got back together after a few days. Three/four months ago it ended for real and it was really hard, I had some terrible days and the pain was just too much some days but having a great husband and two amazing children has helped. I now have NC with my exMM and finally feel whole again and can enjoy my family. The friend thing really really really does not work, we tried it and my god it messy with your head and you still can't fully be with your family. I hated the feeling of not being whole while in the affair. That has come back. I mostly am pleased that the A has ended but sometimes and only sometimes I have the desire to just hear him or hold him but that's only sometimes. I let myself have those moments and then move on. I remind myself all the time how amazing my family are and that my husband never deserved to be betrayed. He doesn't know of the affair so I don't have the sadness from him to deal with but I know and I will have to carry it with me forever.

 

Stay strong. If you really want out then you need to ride out the pain. It's really hard and so tempting to put a stop to it and get in contact.

 

4 weeks and 3 days and I am still counting ......

[Owl]

Here's the thing.

 

You're 'going nowhere' because you've not picked a direction.

 

You are wanting two seperate things...you're wanting to go in directly opposite directions.

 

Because of that...you're getting nowhere.

 

You need to make a decision.

 

You can either have your husband in your life....you can have OM in your life...of, you can have neither.

 

Your problem is...you want the one thing you can't have, not if you want things to get better.

 

You can't have both.

 

So...first off, as hard as it is...you need to decide a direction. Husband, OM, neither.

 

Once you do that...the rest is relatively simple. (Not easy, but simple). You inform the man you want to keep that you're going to work on rebuilding the relationship with him up into the romantic relationship you need. You inform the other that your relationship...to include friendship...with them is over, and that if you're going to be with (insert name here), then they need to let you go.

 

I don't care who you choose.

 

But that's the only way your situation changes.