5 months after breakup and still just lost

[bubbaganoosh]

After we had sort of separated she talked me into staying the night and I caught her sending some guy naked pics which I am sure she had done a bunch of times. I told her she ruined our entire relationship and I asked how many men she had slept with and she replied "The entire apartment complex" which really took me a while to figure out. More than 100 people lived in the whole complex but when she got mad like that she usually told the truth. I later found out she would do pretty much anything with almost anyone before she met her ex husband from a close friend of mine who knew her since she was very young so then it all kind of made sense. I am guessing 50 but to be honest it could have been more. She admitted to having sex with 3 guys in one day which was a bit off putting. Yes, I need to get tested for STD's I am actually kind of scared she gave me HIV or HEP. The only saving grace is that she was not on birth control so protected sex was a must most of the time although I am sure there were times it wasn't. It really truly hurts my heart that she is so sick. Somewhere in that pretty little person is a truly caring kind human but alas that person is dead as she would say. She told me I murdered that part of her. Or she would refer to the nice self as her friend. I had murdered her friend.

 

Maybe she had protected sex...............most of the time but it only takes one to infect so anything that comes out of her mouth should be taken with a grain of salt.

[Sugarkane]

Why on earth did you stay with this woman?

[Justaguy30]

I had known her for 13 years and never thought she was like that. Other than her being so crazy and hurtful she is a wonderful person and the connection we have is sort of one in a million. She also has two amazing children that I love. IDK she was perfect for me in every way besides the craziness and a part of me thought that if I stuck it out she would change but it just got really really bad.

[DarkKnight1]

WTH Some Of These Women Out Here Are CRAZY!!.. you should have dropped her straight away even if she pulled the suicide card out.. damnn

Edited June 20, 2014 by DarkKnight1
poor vocabulary skills im working on

[kart180]

I had known her for 13 years and never thought she was like that. Other than her being so crazy and hurtful she is a wonderful person and the connection we have is sort of one in a million. She also has two amazing children that I love. IDK she was perfect for me in every way besides the craziness and a part of me thought that if I stuck it out she would change but it just got really really bad.

If you knew her for 13 some yrs then I would think that you would of known she was a sex addict but there is never any signs for that specific type of addiction. She seemed perfect but that crazy about sex is a bit unhealthy. There is more to life than sex

[Justaguy30]

If you knew her for 13 some yrs then I would think that you would of known she was a sex addict but there is never any signs for that specific type of addiction. She seemed perfect but that crazy about sex is a bit unhealthy. There is more to life than sex

 

She is very good at hiding what she does which is why she sleeps with mostly strangers so that no one in her circle of people will find out. Its just really sad. She doesn't screw all these people just because she is horny. It is an addiction like any other and she can't stop. I actually saw her the night before last and she looks like ****. She has aged 2 years in the last 4 months. It sounds like her life is falling apart and that she has lost almost all of her friends and her family no longer goes out of their way to help her. Her path is dark and I assume if she doesn't get help soon she will kill herself. It is very sad

[kart180]

She is very good at hiding what she does which is why she sleeps with mostly strangers so that no one in her circle of people will find out. Its just really sad. She doesn't screw all these people just because she is horny. It is an addiction like any other and she can't stop. I actually saw her the night before last and she looks like ****. She has aged 2 years in the last 4 months. It sounds like her life is falling apart and that she has lost almost all of her friends and her family no longer goes out of their way to help her. Her path is dark and I assume if she doesn't get help soon she will kill herself. It is very sad

Well, It is a very sad state of affairs as you said, She does sound like one of my friends from high school, She was friends with me but after uni and me moving here to America, I lost touch, Just before moving I met up with her for a coffee and she did look like crap, She aged so much due to the sex.

 

Sex addition is an addition like any other, yes indeed.

 

I do hope you find a good women but as you said I do hope she is a good mother to her kids

[SoThatHappened]

Can't say that I've been through as much pain as you after what you've gone through, but man, I can relate. BPD is thrown around a lot, and I'm no psychologist or psychiatrist, but so many things from your story sound so much like my ex and so much like symptoms of what I've read BPD may be. I've been researching... looking for answers

 

My ex is 22, with a 2-year-old. I'm 34. Way too much of an age difference for even the most stable of people I know, but after a lot of research, I don't think women like this can change without recognizing that there may be a problem and actually be able to admit it. Your ex is probably more than a few years older than mine, but she sounds like the same woman.

 

Does any of this ring a bell:

 

- Abandonment as a child (my ex's dad was always gone). She felt unloved by her father.

 

- My ex slept with 30 or so people (that she admitted to) in a matter of about 4 years.

 

- Her own family said she was a bad person... in front of me. Her own sister called me after we broke up to tell me I'm better off.

 

- She goes from "I love you so much", sends unbelievable messages and emails telling you how much she loves you and sees a great future with you, then out of ABSOLUTELY nowhere, admits to or gets caught cheating.

 

- Left someone for you, then left you for someone. When there were NO problems with your relationship.

 

- Has slept with everyone around her, regardless of age, looks, social status, etc.

 

- Would go absolutely dead quiet when you asked her why she's been so promiscuous or asked why she has jumped from guy to guy. Wouldn't try to explain or argue, just went silent.

 

- She's a blast to hang out with and bring around people, which is probably what sucked you in.

 

- Sex was a blast, but after you were done, she acted like she'd just run a marathon and blacked out (that was so weird to me).

 

- Wanted you to be a father-figure, but then got mad when you tried to discipline or take care of her kid(s).

 

- Went from 100 mph to 0... then back, then back again.

 

- Was weirdly comfortable around you way too early. Like admitting to and doing embarrassing bodily stuff long before the honeymoon phase was over.

 

- Had previous partners actually try to warn you about her when you started dating her. Her ex, who I'd met when he found out I was with her, was cool to me and told me I "need" to talk to him before I make the same mistake he did.

 

- Had family members of hers try to warn you or worry about you. Even aunts/uncles who didn't know you but were worried about you.

 

- Was reckless with her life.

 

- Got ugly tattoos, piercings, whatever, just on a whim. Not tattoos that mean anything, at all, but just for the sake of a new tattoo.

 

- Always said that she attracts "bad people" and that was her reason for jumping from guy to guy. Every guy she'd been with was a loser, according to her.

 

- Wanted drama. Even wanted to create it out of nowhere. Even if it involved a girl who liked you. I had a couple of women that would text out of the blue. When I got one of those texts, she'd be very controlling of how I handled it. BUT, if I didn't get one of those texts, she was almost bored, to the point where you could tell she wanted drama.

 

- Would cry during sex sometimes, but not when you broke up.

 

- YOU Could not get through to the real person she was. You know what I mean, when you really connect on a mental level. She was incapable of really mentally connecting or having an in-depth, heart-to-heart.

 

- Would mirror what you did. I'm big on faith. She "left" her religion to try to be in mine (both religions are very similar). Cried at the church I took her to. I like fishing, she wanted to go all the time even though she never liked it before.

 

- Would send amazing cards and messages to your friends and family saying that she was thankful you're in her life.

 

- Would drink, and get so drunk so soon that you had to leave the party/bbq/concert to take care of her.

 

- Would admit to doing disgusting things, even early in the relationship, with other people.

 

- Had no long-term goals or plans, just lived her life by the seat of her pants.

 

There's so much more I can write, but I think you get the gist.

[Justaguy30]

Sort of, she will never admit to having done anything gross sexually or having slept with a ton of people unless she is very angry. We got in a fight one night and I told her to go FFck herself and she replied, I have people for that I don't have to. Best come back ever lol. She never masturbates and considers it gross, I will never date another woman that won't pleasure herself. She goes into rages where she would beat me, for instance she broke my nose one night.... I didn't even touch her. I would accuse her of cheating and she would break things or hit me then start crying and cut herself.

 

Her mother was never around and I think she was left with her grandparents most of her childhood. Her mom always cheated on her father and still does. I am not sure why he puts up with it. She expects all men to be like her father. Just let her screw around with who ever she wants and act cool about it... Her father is the only one in her family that ever warned me about her but no one else seems to know that she is absolutely insane. I mean this woman is CRAZY! No one ever called me to say sorry for her or to tell me I was better off with out her. Her best friend did however say that though.

 

She lies about everything all of the time. For instance she claims to not be seeing anyone or sleeping with anyone which I really don't care about but lying about it just pisses me off. When she lies she always says well "Maybe" I won't have time too tonight because ill eat and fall asleep or so on insert what ever sort of lie you can think of. I am almost certain that she has multiple personalities. For instance she told me that all the things I thought had happened did happen and then seconds later a different sounding voice said I didn't do anything! As if the good person in her was crying out saying it was the bad personalities that had done it.

 

I feel really bad for her and wish that instead of being so upset and mean about what she had done I would have just had the power to walk away. I made her feel absolutely horrible for what she did and I feel bad about that. It wasn't until the last month we were together that I figured out that she has some serious mental health issues besides the cutting. I just thought she was being a bitch. I should add that she is a HUGE CUNTRAG!!!!!! Like the meanest evilest person you have ever met. I have still yet to get my things out of the house. Lucky for me I moved my TV and instruments when I left her and then stupidly went back. She still has a bunch of my stuff. I could not have imagined when our relationship started that it would turn out the way it did. What really amazes me is that she has honestly convinced herself that she was a good person and never did anything wrong. I think that the thought of what she did is so painful that to stop it she has to yell out I didn't do anything!!!!! She told me that every time she thinks about it she cries which I believe.

 

You know in the last month I have come a long long way in recovering. She helped me a lot with that by having contact. One night she came over and said sorry for a bunch of stuff and was really sweet to me. The next time we spoke she wasn't very nice but was very honest about the fact that she never wanted to date me again which helped as I was still really in love with her even though I knew we could never be together again. Today we talked and she was a total bitch and told me about how she had been talking to her current lover what ever he is everyday before we were talking all the time. Would have been nice to know that seeing how as she got a job where he works while we were together. I have gotten over the fact that she screwed everyone behind my back and talked tons of trash on me. I don't miss her everyday anymore. I have sort of gotten over the dream I had to have a family with her although I do miss her kids pretty much everyday. It was really tough adjusting to not having them around and taking care of them everyday. I dressed them, fed them, took them to school and daycare. Loved them every minute like they were my own. She did absolutely nothing for them.

 

She slowly wore me down to less than a person, I was brainwashed and putting up with abuse I can't imagine anyone ever putting up with. It was too the point where I was doing everything for her to try and make her happy because she had made everything my fault which I knew wasn't true but it somehow still had power over me. When I would try and leave her she would threaten suicide which I believed seeing how she is a cutter. I was also very concerned about her children and still am. She can't afford the house she is in by herself... Last we spoke she said she is two months behind on rent which I believe and I gave her a months rent which I sort of owed but did it so she didn't get evicted for the kids. One of these days ill write down the entire story. I have been told it would make a good novel. Its so screwed up its hard to believe its real which is one of the reasons I had such a hard time believing she was doing those things. Like who would sneak men in the house to have sex while I was sleeping in the other room..... Who would go have sex with men before work in the dead of winter in their car... Who would have sex almost everyday after work while her children were waiting for her to get home. Who would be able to come home with a smile on their face after doing all of that for so long without showing any sign of it.... She did towards the end when she realized how many horrible things she had done.

 

She does sound similar but I think my ex is also a sociopath psychopath with multiple personality disorder. One thing that she does is called gaslighting. Say you see her leave in the morning with one pair of under ware on and come home with another. I told her I saw that and she would just deny it until it made you question if you had seen it or not. Just absolutely lie and deny and ill tell you right now it works pretty well because you can't argue with someone that won't admit anything or talk about anything ever. I am sure people thing I am stupid and a fool and crazy reading this but its much more complex when you are in the situation. I knew this person for over a decade and always thought highly of her so when I thought she was doing these things I thought to myself surely she wouldn't do this or that and she would back that up when I would talk to her about it. It at one point had me questioning my own sanity which by the way was in horrible shape by the time I got out of the relationship. I am still messed up in the head and will probably never be the same person again although I am working hard on it. I am too the point where I don't know if I could ever be in a sane relationship again because I fear that I would just think the next girl was doing what she did to me which really happened but ill forever be paranoid that my girlfriend will be cheating on me and lying to me.

 

Another thing that she did is talk to herself, on night I heard her say to herself in the other room " Three guys in one day, what are you trying to do ruin your life" I would hear things like that but just barely and would wonder if that is what I heard because it was unbelievable. So yeah I am stupid and I should have left her way before things got that bad but you live and you learn.

 

I think the lesson here is that you should always trust yourself. Never let someone else make your mind up for you or alter your perception of reality because its a very dangerous game to play. I am surprised that she didn't murder me to be honest.

Edited July 11, 2014 by Justaguy30

[Justaguy30]

I am just lost without my ex, I miss her every single day like it was the first day we broke up. I think I am insane or something, this can't be normal or healthy. Some days I can barely get out of bed and function. She was horrible to me and threw me away like a piece of trash and was instantly dating someone else who she was already seeing while we were together. She beat me, screamed at me, cheated on me with everyone and for some reason I am just losing my mind without her. I loved her so much, what do I do.

[love1336x]

Uhhh that's the problem Love, you're not really trying to do anything to get over her.

 

You won't get over her by simply waking up one morning and feeling better.

 

You have to grieve, yes. Feel sad. Don't fight emotions, but at the same time... you can't simply be pondering and feeling self pity forever... it's not healthy, and won't get you anywhere....

[Justaguy30]

I just don't know how to heal I guess. I am trying to move on with my life and not think about her. I am in a really tough spot. I am stuck in this town and can't leave because I got a DUI and am living with my mother which is not helping at all. I just don't have my life if you know what I mean. I hate my job and am just all around miserable.

[Justaguy30]

I wonder if it feels good to her knowing that without her I am miserable. I was miserable in our relationship though. She was so mean and cold and would never show affection to me and it really messed me up. Now I find myself craving it everyday.

[SoThatHappened]

Actually, man, you're 1,000 times better off now than when you were with that nut job! I don't care if you're living with your mom, hate your job, hate your town, hate your life! You don't have to deal with that PoS anymore!!! Or ever again if you're smart enough to stay away.

 

When you're heartbroken, nothing makes sense and everything sucks. Everything, like what's on TV, who's on the radio, people at work, your shoes with scuff marks, dishes in the sink... everything.

 

Think about it this way: You were released from prison. The worst prison in the world. However, the city that houses the prison is a sh**ty city. But, you are now free. Free to go to the store. Free to sleep in an actual bed whenever you want. Would you rather be in prison where nothing you do matters because you're just another inmate being told when to eat, sleep, piss, etc.?

 

You got another shot at life! And another shot at finding someone WITHOUT all those problems. We are attracted to crazy people like that for some reason, but it's not good for us. Not one bit. The only good thing that can come from being with people like that is self-improvement on our end. Learning to spot red flags and avoid people like that down the road.

 

The head knows it, but the heart is still hurting and in charge right now. You absolutely 100% must cut each and every tie with this woman. Never contact her or allow her to contact you. Run... far far away. You WILL get better and look back and say to yourself, "What the fudge was I thinking?!"

 

You HAVE to work on getting over her. If you fall back into this, you can be destroyed and destroy other lives if you get her pregnant. Please don't do that man...

Edited July 17, 2014 by SoThatHappened

[mightycpa]

So, aren't you at least a little pissed off? Doesn't that help? Every time I was wronged, the anger I felt just washed away any loyalty or lingering emotion. It was the innocent breakups, where there was just a change in feelings that hurt the worst. But if somebody did me wrong, like you describe?

 

Not a second thought. So I'm curious... when you miss her, and you think of all that stuff, do you still actually miss that?

[Justaguy30]

So, aren't you at least a little pissed off? Doesn't that help? Every time I was wronged, the anger I felt just washed away any loyalty or lingering emotion. It was the innocent breakups, where there was just a change in feelings that hurt the worst. But if somebody did me wrong, like you describe?

 

Not a second thought. So I'm curious... when you miss her, and you think of all that stuff, do you still actually miss that?

 

I am past being angry at her. I was so angry for the first two months that I would wake up mad everyday. Being mad at her helps a little but she was EXTREMELY ABUSIVE!!!!!! The lying and screaming and hitting me and then being punished with no affection really wore me down, she tried to convince me I was insane and just crazy. I think the reason I still miss her so much is that she brainwashed me. I constantly crave her affection now because I wanted it so badly and she wouldn't give it to me. I don't miss her treating me like that. I miss the sweet girl I loved and we really loved each other. I miss her touch and how sweet and kind she can be. I miss laying in bed watching TV with her. I just miss her even though she is horrible. The other part of me knows I could never ever be with her again and why would I want too. Its very confusing

[Justaguy30]

Its funny you mentioned sleeping in an actual bed. For the last month of our relationship she was being such a bitch she would throw fits and I would sleep on the floor haha. We didn't have a couch so the floor was my only other option and it was better than laying in bed with that raging whore.

[SoThatHappened]

Dude, you have to buck up and move on! You've even called her every bad thing in the book, and rightly so! Everyone here and anyone with half a brain would be telling you to run!

 

I know the heartache. I know how it is to have her children involved. I know how she made you feel. But there's not a single good trait that outweighs any of her 100 bad (actually disgusting) traits.

 

Really not trying to be a d!ck here man, I know the heartache you're going through, but you have to stop. Stop any contact with her and run the other direction as fast and as far as you can.

 

You're not healthy upstairs either if you're still hoping for reconciliation. Again, not trying to be hurtful but how can you still complain about it and "want/love" her when you and everyone else knows she's toxic? You've realized it but still aren't bolting for the door?!

 

You can only get so much sympathy. If you don't take the correct advice and do what's right, you can only blame yourself. Others on here and in your life will stop feeling sorry for you and will stop being there for you if you continue to go against what they advise.

 

Run.

 

Far.

 

Don't alienate yourself from those in your life by continuing with this woman. Fix yourself and find someone else.

 

Stop polishing the brass on the Titanic... she's going down, man.

[hope2014]

That girl is not in her right mind. You don't deserve her. I think she needs a psychiatrist or therapist.

[Justaguy30]

You are absolutely right, we are not in contact nor do I even want her back. I am just still heart broken. That is all, love sick and lonely. Thank you all for your support. This has been so hard. I am going to man up and just make this work and maybe ill find someone new.

[Simon Phoenix]

I mean, you should consider yourself lucky that you are out of this thing. This is one of the most f--ked, dysfunctional relationships I've ever read about. I mean, this is the male version of a woman who pines after a male who physically abused her. You were basically abused.

 

Right now, you need to get your self-esteem back. You don't love this woman, you aren't heartbroken, this woman just shattered every bit of your self-respect and self-esteem and it doesn't really seem like you are taking the means to get those things back. I'm glad you've stopped talking to her, but the last thing you need is another relationship. That just masks the pain -- you aren't dealing with any of the issues in you which allowed you not only to get absolutely duped and demolished by this woman, but for some reason miss that relationship. You were basically an abused boyfriend.

 

You need to go to a counselor and talk this out. A new girlfriend isn't going to do crap -- if anything, you might draw a similar woman to your ex, because women can sniff out your weakness. I'm not saying this to make you feel bad, but to help give you some direction in where you need to go. What happened to you sucks, but if you don't learn from it and don't evolve from it, it will continue to manifest itself. Your screening process needs work and you need to establish some boundaries.

[Justaguy30]

What is really funny is she always said how I was abusive and justified a lot of the things she did because I was an abuser which is BS. She abused me emotionally and physically. It was ****ed. I feel like such a chump for allowing her to treat me like that. I mean it was just pathetic. I just loved her more than anything and believed that she could be the person she said she was but that was insane. Everyone in her life has pretty much figured out who she really is and that she really is a liar and a thief and a sex crazed maniac. That sort of feels good because I don't look so crazy now. She had everyone thinking I was ****ed in the head which I will admit I am now but only because I went through such a ****ed up situation. What defines abuse is being controlling and I will admit I was a bit controlling at times but only because I was trying to get her to stop cheating. What I have figured out is if someone cheats its over for ever so forget about it . I don't want people to feel sorry for me I just vent on here and like to say exactly what i am feeling because it helps me calm down.

Edited July 17, 2014 by Justaguy30

[Michael 93]

Just read the initial post on this thread.

 

Oh my God man. Did you have it rough!?

 

Please tell me you can see this woman is nothing but bad news!! I've read some stories on here *ah the pains* is a particular highlight but this one is right up there.

 

OP you have to please stay well away from this woman. By the sounds of things she is seriously unstable and will continue to hurt others for a long time untill she gets her own issues in order.

 

You deserve much much better than this. Imagine, if you loved this woman and kids that much then what will it be like when you find the right one? you just have to get back on the horse, Improve yourself and go find her man!!

[Justaguy30]

I find it interesting what happens after a serious trauma. I was physically sick for over a month just full of anxiety and pain and that has passed and then I went through the just being really angry at her stage which has passed and now I am in the missing her stage which is really screwy because I want nothing to do with someone like that. Not just her anyone who is like her. There is something wrong with me and I am trying to work it out but its just ruining my life. I think I have lost my mind lol. I think I got really obsessed with making things work for so long and its all I thought about every single day for months and its really hard to get rid of that feeling and thought process but I am working on it. What was really hard is that I was trying so hard to make our relationship work and she wasn't trying at all. Not even a little bit and that really hurt. Why I couldn't see that at the time is beyond me. She had me thinking I was doing something wrong and it was all my fault which kept me trying to fix it. Last we spoke she said nothing had changed and it really hasn't. She still wants nothing to do with me although at least I am not sitting at home with her kids waiting for her while she is out screwing people.

Edited July 17, 2014 by Justaguy30

[Hoosfoos]

Look man, I'm not claiming to be an expert at relationships because I'm not. But in any case, I was involved with someone very similar 4 years ago. I learned 3 things from the experience:

 

1) It never would have gotten any better. You have found out who she really is.

 

2) People dont change! There's nothing you can do to change her behavior. She does what she does because thats who she is.

 

3)This is not your fault, and dont think she will be any different with the next guy. Theres nothing you could have done to salvage the situation.

 

Every time you pine for her, change your thoughts by remembering incidents when she acted cruelly towards you.

 

This ex of mine ended up marrying some guy and my only thoughts I have about it now is, "Good luck with that, buddy." I can now look at photos of us together back in the day and I am 100% indifferent about it. You'll get there too.

 

This website helped me a lot. Start with the early articles that feel familiar to you:

 

Index | Shrink4Men

 

Your ex is a poster child for BPD. It takes a long time to get over an experience like this.

Edited July 17, 2014 by Hoosfoos