honeyfox Posted July 17, 2014 Share Posted July 17, 2014 I am struggling with my feelings for my father in law. I am 22 & attractive, he is 50 but is in great shape for his age & looks like an older version of my husband. FIL has been teaching me about his business selling coins so I go with him to coin shops which means we spend more time alone together lately. There are times that I can sense he is attracted to me & sometimes I also feel an attraction, but I know this is VERY WRONG & immediately feel guilt. I never flirt with my father in law & when he does flirt with me I get very quiet & awkward till he stops. My own father was always stand offish with me so having my father in law be so "fatherly" & kind to me made me very attached & fond of him. I love my husband very much, I just wish he was more like his father. My husband has a really bad video game addiction & doesn't have the drive or the motivation to provide for us as a family which is why I have been working with my father in law to add to our income. I have tried & begged many times to get my husband to stop playing his video games so much. He just gets angry with me & walks away when I try to talk to him about it. I have gotten angry & threatened to leave & he gets better for a week or so but then goes right back to playing the video games for hours & hours... I also absolutely love & respect my mother in law...she has always treated me like her own daughter & I don't ever want to hurt her or have her think I am disrespecting her by being too close with her husband. So far what I have been doing is making sure that when I am out alone with my father in law, I do not dress up, I wear very little makeup & I try to keep our conversations strictly on the coin business. What are other things I can do to ensure our relationship never crosses the line of "too close" while he teaches me the business until I know it well enough to do it on my own? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 17, 2014 Share Posted July 17, 2014 (edited) You are confusing feelings of attachment and safety to love and attraction. You may be looking for belonging and being cared for because of what you missed in your own family and with your dad. Tell your father in law to stop flirting with you and that you adore him but he has to see you as his daughter not a potential roll in the hay! This man is twice your age and knows better! You are married to his son so SHAME on him to be flirting with you. Fact that you are part of their family and you get along well with your MIL, this is a reason to really go out of your way not to spend so much time with your FIL. Find another job. As for your husband, he needs to grow up. Edited July 17, 2014 by whichwayisup 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Still-I-Rise Posted July 17, 2014 Share Posted July 17, 2014 (edited) I think the last poster hit the nail on the head by saying you might be confusing your feelings. I had a crush on my FIL but it wasn't so much about attraction as it was this is the man my husband could become. It was like seeing the future. So, when my STBExH would play video games and hang out and ignore me and the children, his dad would stop by and spend time with us. He would listen when I spoke and took an interest in things that interested me unlike his son. My father was not a part of my life and I liked the idea of having a dad, finally. However, in the past my FIL was very abusive to my MIL and they divorced when my husband was very young. He was also a former drug addict and alcoholic who'd cleaned up his life and was sober for many years before he died five years ago. I believe he was considerate because he'd matured in life and relationships. It takes some much longer than others. Stay mindful of your feelings and interactions and realize what you are feeling isn't all that uncommon. Remember, too, you don't have to act on every feeling you have. Attractions happen. Let the feelings dissipate over time. Wishing you the best Edited July 17, 2014 by Still-I-Rise Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 17, 2014 Share Posted July 17, 2014 My FIL is also the spitting image of my husband (or is that the other way around). Regardless, there's a resemblance & clearly you have a type. I use positive reinforcement. When my husband does stuff that I like -- especially step away from the stupid computer games -- I make sure to tell him how much I appreciate that. It's really not so much that you are in love with your FIL. You are craving more attention from your husband. Keep trying new idea to lure him away from the games or try to find one that you can both play. When I get really frustrated with the games, I will literally walk up to him, tell him to hit pause & park myself on his lap. It tends to get his attention. lol Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted July 18, 2014 Share Posted July 18, 2014 If i were you, i would slowly and naturally fade from that business you share. Better not to go through him thinking he can make a move. You can also tell your husband that when he grows up he can become more life his father (minus hitting on the dil). You're obviously disillusioned with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Clockwork Posted July 18, 2014 Share Posted July 18, 2014 Put it this way, in my extended family there was a little...............uh...........mishap of epic proportions. An uncle of mine is also a widower. He lost my aunt who was a wonderful woman. He wasn't the most faithful of husbands when she was alive but she stayed with him, forgave him and in their last years together they were happy. However, he hit on my cousin's wife HIS daughter in law. Yes, his SON'S wife. The mother of some of his grandchildren. This had never happened before but he grabbed her and kissed her one day when he popped over to the house and she was alone (again, there was never a reason for that to be a threatening situation). She of course backed off immediately and she refuses to see him since. Christmases are different with that family, graduations, etc. She will never be around them. And imagine my cousin, I mean, his dad hit on his wife and kissed her. Basically you have the image of your dad making a move on your wife and if she had been all for it he'd have had sex with your wife. Your dad. Wow. So I guess what I am saying, is that even a weak moment like that can change the entire culture and structure of a family forever. Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted July 18, 2014 Share Posted July 18, 2014 Bow chika wow wow. Link to post Share on other sites
jackslife Posted July 18, 2014 Share Posted July 18, 2014 All of the above posters have given very good advice so follow it! Otherwise your only alternatives are.. A) Having sex with your FIL or B) Telling your husband you will have sex with his Dad unless he stops playing on his games console. Link to post Share on other sites
HereNorThere Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 Think about your husband having sex with your mother and how that would make you feel? Isn't empathy awesome? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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