What does he want from me? Guys opinion would be great too!

[greeneyedgirl23]

Hello everyone! This is my first post, I am hoping to get some advice about a friend of mine, and what his intentions are for me. I also posted this on the friendship page.

 

This guy and i have been best friends since high school (6years now). We have always had a cool relationship. The usual joke around, playful, fun. But we are also really close. He told me that im the best friend he has ever had.

 

Over the past 4 years, things have changed between us. We have grown very emotionally close to one another. We can talk to eachother like we are unable to talk to other people. The conversations at times seem like we are more gf/bf than best friends. At one point we were talking like 8 times a day. Well, we moved to the same college town and started experiencing new people and our new environment. We were fighting a lot during our first year away from home, but the strange thing was when we would fight, he would still find a way to get around me. Either through friends, or he would call my phone from a blocked number. Everyone teases me and calls him my husband. I just brush it off.

 

Well It has been a few years since we have moved away. I actually graduated and moved back home. My last year (i graduated last may) in our college town was great. We were spending a lot of time together. We would meet up at the bars, or just go on drives together. Many times i would pick him up after he was home from the bars and take him to get something to eat, and we would just talk for hours. If I didnt pick him up, he was still calling me when he got home to talk to me. he would tell me that im such a wonderful girl, with a big heart and that i would be an awesome wife and mother someday. He told me i would be the best teacher ever etc.. But often times, he would tell me about the girls out at the bars that he went home with. Sometimes i would believe him, other times i knew he was full of you know what (trying to make me jealous).

 

Well, he and i go through fazes where he will get mad at me and not speak to me for a while, i am always hurt and confused by this. He still manages to contact me though. Like I said earlier, he will call me from blocked numbers and just listen to what i am doing. I know it is him because it only happens when he and i fight. The phone calls are usually 2am after the bars close. anyway, we were getting along really well last fall, and i remember at my christmas party we were talking in my room and he told me that he's never going to find a good girl, and just the way he looks in my eyes drives me crazy! I found him with his hand at my waist when we went out, and sometimes holding my hand when we were going on drives and talking.

 

Not long after we were getting along so well, he got mad at me for no reason. I gave him small gift (nothing major it was a funny book) for his birthday and that night he got all crazy. He threw the book down, dumped beer on it and told me he hated me and i was never his best friend. I didnt understand what was going on so i followed him and tried to understand. He told me that he just needed to get partying out of his system and why couldnt i understand that? I was confused because he and I are friends, and i have never tryed to make him do anything. He said if we were on a playground, he didnt want to play with me right now. it was the wierdest thing. This coming from the guy who is so comfortable with me that he calls me from the shower or the bath. AHH.. He also told me that he felt like he was going through a divorce, and he hoped i never got a divorce. I was crying my eyes out to him trying to understand, but he just needed his space.

 

about a week later he started calling me. One night he saw me talking to some guy in the bars and called me all night (from blocked numbers of course). One time it was like 17 times in a half hour time period and i told him i was turning my phone off that he was going to either talk to me or go to bed. well the next night we hung out he apologized when he saw me. But would never give me an explanation. He didnt want to bring up the past.

 

We got a long for a few months. spending time together etc. One night i was dropping him off at home at about 3am, he got out of the car and when i was driving away, he was standing there with a huge smile on his face. he called me when i got home and mumbled that he loved me. I said it back. I think he tried to cover it up because he said to me "are you like my sister" ? well we were getting along and hanging out like normal, and then one night he and i were driving and he said it again. This time comparing me to his family. he said he loved them and would do anything for them, and he loved me too. Now, I dont know how to take this?? because 8 days later he shows up drunk at my house after I saw him out that night, and picks a huge fight with me and tells me he hates me.

 

I dont know what he is doing???!!!! We didnt talk from april until this past november, and i was going insane. The phone calls were still going on even though he was so mad at me. Finally he came around and apologized. I dont know why he got so upset and pushed away again. I told him that he had no reason to do that, because i am the best friend he will ever have and needs to respect me. When we are together things are great. It feels like its more than friendship. We have never made out or crossed that line, but I love him very much. Im even pretty close to his brother. Over the past few months we have been good. He got jealous when i mentioned this guy to him, but nothing came of it anyway.

 

He calls me when he is out of town on vacations with the boys, and from the bars, and when he gets home. Does he have more than friend feelings for me?? OR am i reading too much into something that i want??? Any advice would be great!!!!!

 

Thank you!

[westernxer]

I hope you're ready for this...

 

He doesn't love you. At least not in a romantic way.

 

If he did, he'd tell you so, without mumbling it or excusing it as a brother/sister thing. He obviously sees you as a good influence, but not as a potential mate.

 

Oh yeah... he's also an unstable type, and he makes you feel sorry for him through frequent displays of self-loathing. You need to get away from this guy as of yesterday. He's only going to drag you down with him.

 

You love him because you feel sorry for him, but he's a lost cause, and a loser on top of it. You're a college grad with a better future ahead of you. Don't waste it on this townie who obviously has an inferiority complex.

 

Get away from him. Now.

[greeneyedgirl23]

Thank you for your advice. Im still confused about his phone calls, and dissapearing acts. Maybe it's like you said, he needs someone to feel sorry for him. He does have his act together with school though, surprisingly he is graduating with a double major in business and econ. Maybe he will grow up and find someone he doesnt like to play games with...... Its so confusing!

[j.carsey]

OK, well you two have been really involved for a long time. call it what you want, you have been in a long term dating relationship. I don't understand why he would get angry all of a sudden etc, us guys are usually not that unstable -- unless you have been unknowingly doing something like being overbearing (is that possible?) or too intrusive in his life. Is he giving you signals that he wants to be left alone, and might you be pestering him? I have no idea but reflect on it and see if it's possible.

 

To me anyway it seems like one of the things you might want to do is cool down your relationship and spend a little less time with him.

 

Or here's another idea. If you're not sure where you two stand, ask him straight up. Guys (usually) don't like games, and it's helpful for everyone to be clear about the situation. Now since you know each other well he should be able to handle a question such as, "I feel like we're more than just friends. Do you feel the same way about me?"

 

If he totally freaks out or can't handle the simple question like a man, then well... maybe you'll never be able to start a real relationship. Also, he might not give you a clear answer right a way and don't worry if that happens. But at least he KNOWS what you are thinking.

[ReluctantRomeo]

I agree he's unstable... I'm not so sure on him not being interested. Some guys are stupid enough to agonise over this, rather than come right out with it.

 

Unstable is not good for a long term relationship. Trust me on this. If he's acting weird because he wants you and isn't getting you, there's a happy solution. Unfortunately, there are plenty of other possibilities - he may just be inherently unstable.

 

I'd go with Carsey. Ask him straight up what's going on. Say you're getting mixed signals and he needs to decide what he wants.

[SuperFantastico]

Well I think the question you should really ask yourself is would you really be happy with this guy. He sounds like he likes you but may be afraid of commitment or someting. The calling you and not saying anything is quite frankly very creepy to me.

Sounds like something from one of those made for TV movies.

 

I know you really have feelings for him, but there comes a time where you have to say enough is enough and look after your well being. And he seems like the kind of person that you cant even go to and say, look do you like me or not because i cant wait around for you anymore. He would probably just go into one of his wierd mood swings.

 

This guy has alot of maturing to do before he could be a suitable partner for you. He probably dosnt know what he wants, actually its quite clear that he dosnt know what he wants. If he truely loved you, he would treat you with respect not take your birthday present, dump beer on it and then say some crazy thing about a play ground.

 

I mean thats just wierd. I dont even know how you would approach this. Because if you cut him off completely he will just do the creepy stalker thing. And if you try to move on with some other guy he will do it too.

 

I personally think you should move on to someone else. Keep him as a friend if you can tollerate his mood swings and late night calling(although i would *69 him, call him back and give him ****) Perhaps he will figure out that he needs to move on too and get a normal life going on.

 

I hope this helps........im gonna go curl up in the fetal position now

 

 

P.S. I think J.carsey has the right idea. Test your guy to see if he would be a suitable mate. Ask him the question. Like he said most guys dont like games and would love if some girl would just straight up ask them if they like them or not. If he cant handle that, then he fails the test. Problem solved.

 

P.S.S. Where can i find a girl that i can act all crazy with and she will love me

God that would be super

[OCGirl]

Okay I have been there and done that! Your friend has issues and I have to agree they must be commitment issues and a compeltely unstable mind at the moment. I am going to assume the late night creepy calls are when he is drunk?

 

I have had to push my best friend away because of these types of issues. Although, our relationship was FWB at times, the jealousy, pure craziness and drama were too much. Um, like 50 million "I love you so much and you don't understand angry phone calls", the almost putting hands on me out of angered jealousy because of me being politely and speaking to a man in his presence, claiming me in public and around his friends so no one else would possibly try to hook-up with me, forcefulness and denial when asked about his issues. Best friend has gone as far to stalk my house to see if I am home.

 

I admit it hurts and even seeing my best friend rarely is still creepy. Seeing him less isn't becomming any better but at least I am free and in control over myself and my feelings.

 

Believe me, finding a phone number in my car sets the friend off until he quickly remembers it isn't his business!!!!! You must remember, if he is acting like this as a friend, why would you ever want him as more? The closer you get the worse it will become. Those are my two cents from going through the same drama.

 

I myself have never been in lvoe but last time I checked, it did not include pain or absolute creepy behavior. Becareful!!

[SuperFantastico]

No way OC!! Thats true love!!

 

And if you have never actually been in love, belive me dont go there. I think love is a form of mind control that the government deals out to sell stuff

 

'cupids arrow' MUST be one of those fancy government code words. I'm putting on my tinfoil and clotheshangers hat right now!!

[greeneyedgirl23]

Thank You everyone, for your replies. I truly appreciate the advice!

[clynn]

It almost seems that he behaves this way out of frustration when he doesn't really know what it is that you want. Like he tells you he loves you then freaks out afterwards. Maybe he is unsure of hwo you feel.

 

Good luck figuring it out.

[angelj]

gosh greeneyed, thats a tough one.

 

i would be really cautious around this guy. you sound like me, you are sure of your feelings for him and although you may think he is, and he may think he is, he obviously is confused about something that has to do with you or else he wouldnt lash out and act the way he does. its like all he wants is you but when it gets close he freaks out and pushes you away. and then when he thinks hes gonna lose you he reels you back in. thats abuse...in another form and that is just not fair!

 

what i have learned in the past 6 months is that no matter what you do and say, you cannot change a person. you cannot change the way they act, the way they think, you can try to change the way they feel but its such a waste of time. what i finally realized was that i was spending so much time working with something that i saw so much potential with...but what for? why should we have to put SO MUCH WORK into something that was just not going anywhere but a vicious cycle?

 

look, i think its almost completely obvious he has feelings for you. but it is always completely obvious that he has so many issues...he might be like the boy in my post. other things are more important to him at the moment (partying...etc..) or maybe he is just completely freaked out at maintaining a relationship wiht you because it might actually be so wonderful. and why would you want to date such a coward? i definitely do think there are feelings. but i also think it is going to be such a struggle...give him space. get away from him. maybe first break things down and tell him what you want from him. that way you have peace within yourself that you got off your chest your needs and expectations and theres NO WAY he can turn that around on you and say he didnt know...etc. therefore, he knows exactly what he needs to do and you can (try to) move on and if he comes around...well there ya go. be careful, you are already pretty wrapped up in this. (crying your eyes out to him, doing whatever he asks when it involves you 2 and feelings...) i've been there. do you think he would do he same for you/your requests?