Night Confessions of an A going wrong

[love4unme]

Hi LS,

 

It's time for me to confess.

 

I'm mid 40's married with 3 kids 13 and under. I'm having an A plain and simple with a coworker. She works for me one of about 30 people. Mow has 2 kids under 2 and has been married for 9 years.

 

We started our A about 1.5 years ago and its still going...hot and heavy.

 

We have crossed from our time as random A meetings to now future faking.

 

The problem is, mow is now having convo's with her h about how she may not want to be with her. He's starving for intimacy and she's not giving in due to their lack of emotional relationship and of course, our A.

 

I, on the other hand, have a lot of heavy guilt thinking about leaving my w. i feel like she will be lost since she's at homemaker and although she doesn't treat me bad (i get intimate and never get told no) but she doesn't treat me good either. IN fact we have had several spats that have had an impact on our oldest child who has confidence issues and suffers through school partly because of our lack of depth in our relationship. she's very close to her family and has more ongoing convos with them than with me. i grew tired of it to be honest.

 

now here i am smack in the middle of a 1.5 year old A and no signs of stopping. In fact, mow is just waiting to tell her H that they are incompatible and nothing they can do. i do want to be with mow but i have the guilt of my kids that weighs me down along with the guild of my w making a ton of mistakes in life because i've always taken care of her and made all of the decisions financially and for the kids.

 

Does an A have to always end up driving two people to want to leave their spouses for each other? I had an A about 9 years ago and my former mow did the same thing..she was ready to leave her h for me and when he found out about our A, she threatened to leave him if he ever said anything to me about our A or even tried to talk to me.

 

I'm at a loss......I want to be with mow but there are a lot of issues..kids, work, my w and anxiety over her decision making w/o me, blended families etc. It seems that an A can't just stay still...it has to grow and grow and demand more and more. Like a living, breathing child...it keeps eating and eating demanding more and more!

 

Help and thank you.

[daisydook]

Well the reality is, if you actually want to, you will. End of story.

 

The other thing I would like to add... if you wouldn't leave your wife to be single, do not leave your wife for another woman. If you're leaving, do it because you are unhappy in your marriage. If you wouldn't consider being single, instead of with your wife, you shouldn't be doing this.

 

Also, I would tell your wife the truth. See how "devastated" she is by this. She deserves to make an informed decision and you may end up with OW anyway by default. Give it a try. You actually do owe it to your wife.

 

She deserves so much better.

[love4unme]

Well the reality is, if you actually want to, you will. End of story.

 

The other thing I would like to add... if you wouldn't leave your wife to be single, do not leave your wife for another woman. If you're leaving, do it because you are unhappy in your marriage. If you wouldn't consider being single, instead of with your wife, you shouldn't be doing this.

 

Also, I would tell your wife the truth. See how "devastated" she is by this. She deserves to make an informed decision and you may end up with OW anyway by default. Give it a try. You actually do owe it to your wife.

 

She deserves so much better.

 

Ouch

 

I know you're counsel is genuine so thank you

 

I can't tell my wife. She will hate me. Is rather she find someone else but even the thought of her with someone else kills me.

 

I'm the only man my w has known. 18 years of marriage and we have had more lows thank highs. Mow on other hand has has possibly double digit partners before she got married. Mow is 15 years my junior and 10 years her H's junior

 

The torment of not have one or the other is unbearable

 

Thank you

[A.Moscote]

It seems that an A can't just stay still...it has to grow and grow and demand more and more. Like a living, breathing child...it keeps eating and eating demanding more and more!

That's unfortunate, right?

 

I think it's time you start shifting your style. Prepare yourself to take a very difficult path, to face the hardship of leaving either one of the women, or both, righteously.

 

You can't just stay on the easy road anymore. Look what you've done. When you can enjoy being with a new woman, it's just plain and simple for you, you dived into it (affair), and twice already.

 

Keep on seeking advice on how to properly move on and overcome the related issues. Be more empathy and just to your wife (and everyone involved), hold off the relationship while you decide and plan. Try to stop deceiving them any longer. Don't you fear the consequences?

 

Imho though, it doesn't sounds like your wife is a bad person, or your marriage, terrible. In my perspective, it's more like you can't control your desire. Or maybe it's just my misjudgement.

Good luck, and be patient.

[bentleychic]

Well the reality is, if you actually want to, you will. End of story.

 

I agree.

 

I beg, plead with you, if you do not know for certain that you will leave your W, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE stop future faking with your MOW. She genuinely thinks you mean what you say when you future fake. It sounds like she's making her decisions with her M based on that. (Not saying that's right or wrong. It just is.) Stats show women are more likely to leave for their A partner than men. Was she unhappy with her M BEFORE you came along?

 

Only you can decide what you do, long term. All I can say is, this is your one life. Spend it happy, whether that's with your W or MOW, only you can decide that.

[Oberfeldwebel]

The relationship isn’t real it is a fantasy. You do not live together, pay bills, take care of children, etc. All you to do is sneak around and do a little canoodling. This is fun for you as long as you get to eat your cake and have it too. This behavior is that of a spoiled child.

 

What will happen? I foresee the OW demanding more of you and giving less to her husband. Eventually, he will realize she is finding comfort elsewhere and will find out your identity. He will then rat you out to the company and your wife. I don’t know your companies policies, but most don’t like these kind of situations as it is bad for business. Will your wife give you a second chance? Will the OW feel guilty and go back to her husband? You don’t have to be psychic to see this turning out bad. You could lose your job and family, just to fulfil your selfish desires. Stevie Wonder could see this coming.

 

If you are in charge of 30 people, you have to make tough, hard decisions, from time to time. This is one of those times. My best advice is, end one relationship before you start a new one. Your best course of action would be to end the relationship with the other woman and put all your effort into fixing your marriage. I believe that most relationships can be fixed if both parties work to fix the problems. If you do not want to continue your marriage, then be honest with your wife as to what has happened and file for divorce. Either way you need to start my being honest with your wife, OW and yourself.

Edited July 17, 2014 by Oberfeldwebel

[still_an_Angel]

I think you know deep down that its time for you to take control of your situation. You can't maintain both relationships, its tearing you apart. You can't let the things run in all directions.

 

 

You need to decide if separating from your wife will be the best decision for yourself, for your W, specially your kids. Remember your A is not a reality, it never was. Your feelings for you OW may be real, but the rest of it is not. Is it worth breaking up your family over the OW? If you decide that separation is the way to go, your decision shouldn't be based on your desire to be with your OW as the A is in the clouds, and far from the ground that you walk on.

 

 

Please step back and assess your M vs the A, which weighs heavier? Bear in mind the OW breaking up her family might have an impact on your relationship in more ways than you might think it will in the future.

 

 

All the best,

Angel

[IfWishesWereHorses]

After reading your post and your complaints with your wife and your feelings for OW, it occurs to me that you unhappiness, unsettled, unsure, feelings actually are stemming from your own unhappiness. You've had atleast two affairs in you marriage. Perhaps you should get some counseling to solve your own personal issues before you ruin a lot of people's lives. The truth is, no one is going to make you happy long term. That's about you.

[15yearsin]

I completely agree that an A is nothing more than an illusion. Get some counseling for yourself, no need to confess anything without first having the tools and self reflection to handle the decisions you are about to make on any front. Be it leaving, staying, confessing, etc. Get some counseling and guidance to equip yourself for possible future happiness and settling down. You are definitely not settled down yet.

 

It blows my mind how many men don't use their single years to date, have sex, try all the experiments they want before getting married. Getting married is not just a social contract. It's commitment to stay faithful and true, and to not covet thy neighbor. Anyone who deceives their spouse should have waited to get married until they could be completely open and honest with them. Even in transgressions, honesty will heal everything.

 

Get some guidance and find out what you really want and need to be happy with yourself before ruining your children.

[Sub]

Mow has 2 kids under 2 and has been married for 9 years.

 

We started our A about 1.5 years ago and its still going...hot and heavy.

If I'm doing the math correctly, you were possibly involved with her before and/or while she was pregnant. Any concerns about paternity with her?

 

 

I had an A about 9 years ago and my former mow did the same thing..she was ready to leave her h for me and when he found out about our A, she threatened to leave him if he ever said anything to me about our A or even tried to talk to me.

You definitely need to leave your BW. Two A's over the course of your marriage. It sounds like you're using your W's dependence on you not just as a reason to not leave, but as a reason to look elsewhere for what you don't think you're getting at home.

[ichbinmich]

I find it terrible that you're complaining your A has consequences. Most people I've seen posting here at least admit that to themselves and feel bad about it. If all you wanted was no strings attached regular sex then you could have gone to a prostitute and not worried about all these bad side effects of starting a RELATIONSHIP with another person.

 

It's obvious you're not leaving your marriage. Your OW has already shown you she wants commitment. If you don't want to then at least have the courtesy to end things with her before you both destroy her life.

[daisydook]

Ouch

 

I know you're counsel is genuine so thank you

 

I can't tell my wife. She will hate me. Is rather she find someone else but even the thought of her with someone else kills me.

 

I'm the only man my w has known. 18 years of marriage and we have had more lows thank highs. Mow on other hand has has possibly double digit partners before she got married. Mow is 15 years my junior and 10 years her H's junior

 

The torment of not have one or the other is unbearable

 

Thank you

 

Forgive me for my harsh approach. Let us take emotions out of it and look at the facts though. You can see me as your best friend, or your worst enemy. That is entirely up to you. I didn't mean to harm you with anything I said, but I speak the truth. Only the truth. Lol. I really cant handle anymore BS, so I don't sugar coat anything.

 

She may very well hate you. Does SHE not deserve to know? The fact of the matter is, if you want a decision made, tell your wife. Clearly, you have no idea how to make this decision for yourself. Telling her is a sure fire way to have a decision made quickly. I promise you that!

 

I am so far from your worst enemy at the moment, even if on an emotional level, my words are hard to hear. Ouch? Yes. A little. I was a betrayed spouse and I can only hope that if someone cheats on me again, they have the decency to do it with someone they love and care for, and someone who matters to them, and is worth actually leaving me for. Instead, I have a blabbering ex, who I still can no longer look at after 18 months of not speaking to one another, after 9 years together who cheated on me for 6 months with some bimbo who meant nothing to him, 3 months to our wedding day. Had she actually meant something to him, I may have been more understanding. But no, he had no ****ing balls. He just wanted to be a god damn cake eater. He would still take me back in a New York Minute, and I wont even look at him. He made the wrong choice by cheating with someone who didnt love him like she said she did.

 

I don't understand cheating without purpose. It sounds funny, and I don't condone cheating to begin with, but if you are going to do it, make sure you're right when you choose someone to cheat with. Make sure she is leave your wife worthy!!! You are going to be one sorry sap soon if you chose wrong though. If you are in an exit affair and want to be with your OW, fine. Do it though. Don't just prance around screwing two women over who probably care a lot about you. The reality is, you are being horribly selfish and as stated above, I am here to support you. Supporting you means telling you the truth. I promise. I don't hate the OW in my case. She didn't know of me either. She had no idea we were together, let alone trying for a baby and planning our wedding. No clue. Neither of us. I have no ill feelings, towards many people here, and I certainly dont have any negative feelings towards you. I did set out to give an honest answer. I think you have a lot to think about.

 

 

She will hate you. You are right. Shouldnt she hate you though? I mean, look at what you are doing behind her back. I cant see why she wouldnt hate you.

 

Right now, I am stuck with a moron of an ex I cant forgive. I dont want you to be us.

Edited July 17, 2014 by daisydook

[Ladydrib]

Hi LS,

 

It's time for me to confess.

 

I'm mid 40's married with 3 kids 13 and under. I'm having an A plain and simple with a coworker. She works for me one of about 30 people. Mow has 2 kids under 2 and has been married for 9 years.

 

We started our A about 1.5 years ago and its still going...hot and heavy.

 

We have crossed from our time as random A meetings to now future faking.

 

The problem is, mow is now having convo's with her h about how she may not want to be with her. He's starving for intimacy and she's not giving in due to their lack of emotional relationship and of course, our A.

 

I, on the other hand, have a lot of heavy guilt thinking about leaving my w. i feel like she will be lost since she's at homemaker and although she doesn't treat me bad (i get intimate and never get told no) but she doesn't treat me good either. IN fact we have had several spats that have had an impact on our oldest child who has confidence issues and suffers through school partly because of our lack of depth in our relationship. she's very close to her family and has more ongoing convos with them than with me. i grew tired of it to be honest.

 

now here i am smack in the middle of a 1.5 year old A and no signs of stopping. In fact, mow is just waiting to tell her H that they are incompatible and nothing they can do. i do want to be with mow but i have the guilt of my kids that weighs me down along with the guild of my w making a ton of mistakes in life because i've always taken care of her and made all of the decisions financially and for the kids.

 

Does an A have to always end up driving two people to want to leave their spouses for each other? I had an A about 9 years ago and my former mow did the same thing..she was ready to leave her h for me and when he found out about our A, she threatened to leave him if he ever said anything to me about our A or even tried to talk to me.

 

I'm at a loss......I want to be with mow but there are a lot of issues..kids, work, my w and anxiety over her decision making w/o me, blended families etc. It seems that an A can't just stay still...it has to grow and grow and demand more and more. Like a living, breathing child...it keeps eating and eating demanding more and more!

 

Help and thank you.

 

Having an affair is far more damaging to kids than fighting or divorce. You are going to destroy your kids' lives if you stay and continue to live like this. Clearly if this is your second affair, you cannot commit fully to your wife. You should leave.

[anne1707]

You had better stop this now or I can promise there is a broken heart to be. Though not before the ship has sunk or the train has crashed.

[love4unme]

Forgive me for my harsh approach. Let us take emotions out of it and look at the facts though. You can see me as your best friend, or your worst enemy. That is entirely up to you. I didn't mean to harm you with anything I said, but I speak the truth. Only the truth. Lol. I really cant handle anymore BS, so I don't sugar coat anything.

 

She may very well hate you. Does SHE not deserve to know? The fact of the matter is, if you want a decision made, tell your wife. Clearly, you have no idea how to make this decision for yourself. Telling her is a sure fire way to have a decision made quickly. I promise you that!

 

I am so far from your worst enemy at the moment, even if on an emotional level, my words are hard to hear. Ouch? Yes. A little. I was a betrayed spouse and I can only hope that if someone cheats on me again, they have the decency to do it with someone they love and care for, and someone who matters to them, and is worth actually leaving me for. Instead, I have a blabbering ex, who I still can no longer look at after 18 months of not speaking to one another, after 9 years together who cheated on me for 6 months with some bimbo who meant nothing to him, 3 months to our wedding day. Had she actually meant something to him, I may have been more understanding. But no, he had no ****ing balls. He just wanted to be a god damn cake eater. He would still take me back in a New York Minute, and I wont even look at him. He made the wrong choice by cheating with someone who didnt love him like she said she did.

 

I don't understand cheating without purpose. It sounds funny, and I don't condone cheating to begin with, but if you are going to do it, make sure you're right when you choose someone to cheat with. Make sure she is leave your wife worthy!!! You are going to be one sorry sap soon if you chose wrong though. If you are in an exit affair and want to be with your OW, fine. Do it though. Don't just prance around screwing two women over who probably care a lot about you. The reality is, you are being horribly selfish and as stated above, I am here to support you. Supporting you means telling you the truth. I promise. I don't hate the OW in my case. She didn't know of me either. She had no idea we were together, let alone trying for a baby and planning our wedding. No clue. Neither of us. I have no ill feelings, towards many people here, and I certainly dont have any negative feelings towards you. I did set out to give an honest answer. I think you have a lot to think about.

 

 

She will hate you. You are right. Shouldnt she hate you though? I mean, look at what you are doing behind her back. I cant see why she wouldnt hate you.

 

Right now, I am stuck with a moron of an ex I cant forgive. I dont want you to be us.

 

Hi Daisy

 

Thank you and yes you are right on several fronts.

 

I'm really struggling after reading your response and others here. My poor w doesn't know and she deserves better if I decide to vacate

 

The one factor is my kids. I can't handle the thought of the looking at me as if I walked out the door for the last time and no longer share a home with them. There are no words to describe the feeling of letting them down. None. It's just impossible to overcome.

 

I do care and love both now and my w. I think the idea of having both is good but the time each demands is just too much now. It's like I can't spread the peanut butter any more on the bread.

 

Mow did speak with her H and I believe another convo is coming about how she feels about their relationship and the void that she doesn't want him to repair.

 

I was thinking, And correct me if I'm wrong, was to let mow, if so be, decide if she will part ways with her h. Then let her be single and not jump ship with her right away. I assume we both need healing time and I'll need it too if and when that moment comes for me.

 

I don't know what's going to happen. It's too much happening at the moment

[Neith]

I can only echo what other people have said.

 

You said your relationship with your wife isn't great...but you haven't said she's a HORRIBLE person. She doesn't deserve this.

 

No excuse you can give will be a good enough reason not to tell her. You stood infront of her face that day and made your vows. You've disrespected them and her.. so man up and face whatever comes your way.

I get that people get carried away. I get that people make mistakes. But what defines you NOW and for the future is how you deal with your mistakes.

 

You're prolonging the inevitable. Your marriage is done for. Let your wife get on with her life.

[William]

For those members who were moderated, the lesson is to discuss potential/suspected present/past member's identities privately, not publicly, simply by using the 'alert us' button and advising moderation of your concerns. Such public discussion is disallowed and results in immediate moderation, with length of time varying by post content relevant to the transgression. So, with that out of the way, I'll close this up.