Audrey20 Posted February 22, 2005 Share Posted February 22, 2005 I have read the posts here for almost a year and spent many nights with all of you. I can't tell you how much this site has helped me. I am at the point now that I am wanting feedback about my situation. Any help would be appreciated. Is it really possible to move on when you know that you will not be with the true love of your life? I can not imagine that I could ever be happy with anyone else. If I get asked out, I turn men down because I don't want to hurt anyone and because I keep holding on to the hope that my ex and I will get back together. The only way I can imagine that I could really start to move on is if I learned that my ex was married to someone else, but then I am afraid that I would wait for them to get divorced. This is sooo hard for me. I really can't let go of hope and I am asking if anyone else has felt this way and been able to eventually move on anyway. My ex-boyfriend (of 4 years) moved away almost a year ago, to a different state. We decided that we would give it a year and see how things were between us at that time. This past year has been very hard. We have tried no contact, then we would call. We have seen each other 4 times this past year. We both still love each other very much. Our biggest problem is that he has some addictions he hasn't worked through and deep down he knows he isn't ready for a marriage. I know that until he works through them, it wouldn't be a healthy relationship. Still, I guess he and I are addicted to each other in a way. We can't let each other go but we know it just won't work right now. Our patterns include him maintaining no contact, then missing me and calling. He talks as if he is ready to make some changes and wants to be with me. I believe him every time and then he calls again and says that he isn't good for me and out of love he needs to let me go. I know him inside and out and know, believe in my heart, that eventually he will get his act together. I keep telling him that I love him and I don't want anyone else. I can't play any games. Whenever I act like I will move on, it just seems like such a lie. I wonder if I am sick and playing the martyr role or if this could really, truly be how love is. I have a counselor whom I talk with weekly. I have a good job and keep my mind on it, I have a daughter who I love and do as good a job as anyone can raising. It isn't like I can't function. It is just that I can not get over this man. Even though I function, as soon as I am home I check my caller ID, I am hopeful that he will call or IM. Most recently he called nightly for 3 weeks, and he told me that he was hopeful that we could eventually get back together. We reminded each other of why we love each other so much. Then, he got cold feet again. It doesn't work for me to hate him, he really isn't capable of a relationship at this point. However, I am in that old familiar place of - there he goes again. He doesn't know what he wants, doesn't want to hurt me, I go through the motions of moving on again, but just don't want to let go. This is what I think I want to do. I want to let him figure out himself and date or whatever. I think I just want to work, raise my daughter, garden, grow old and take the chance that the love of my life will come back for me. It seems so much better than dating other men and it not being the one I truly gave my heart to. Now that seems kind of sad to me when I read the above paragraph but I can see that happening. How does one give up hope for the one they love? Audrey20 Link to post Share on other sites
RedTigerNY Posted February 22, 2005 Share Posted February 22, 2005 hi audrey i can very much relate. i guess what i am doin in the meantime is just looking for others w/same qualities that my love has... that might ease it up a little... i dont know what else to say... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Audrey20 Posted February 22, 2005 Author Share Posted February 22, 2005 RedTigerNY, Thanks for your reply. There really isn't a whole lot to say, you are right. You can't make someone change, want to be with you, etc. You can believe in them, love them and let them go. I just miss him very much. I know that I may have been the person to help him so that he can move on to find someone else. The best thing for me to do is to stay out of his mind and focus on me. I wish him well wherever he is tonight. I am sorry that you can relate but am glad you took the time to reply. I have found that I can be hurting but yet be peaceful at times too. I hope you can feel that. Audrey20 Link to post Share on other sites
RedTigerNY Posted February 22, 2005 Share Posted February 22, 2005 oh yes i really can feel that too. i send my prayers your loved one will come back to u too. keep strong audrey. some ppl say its silly to keep havin blind faith in someone but u sound like a good person & i think good will come to u.... Link to post Share on other sites
Sukotto Posted February 22, 2005 Share Posted February 22, 2005 I think everyone keeps a small flame lit for past loves, in the hope that some day they'll realise what they've done. Some people just deal with it better, I still feel like I'm cheating on my ex when I talk to a girl at a bar or get a phone number and usually feel too guilty to do anything. She still rules my life even though we've not spoken in 2 months. As far as I know it takes time for those feelings to fade and dull down, just keep talking to guys as long as you feel guys are interested in you then there is nothing to worry about. Though no doubt when your ready to date again all the guys will disappear. I suspect they have some sort of radar system, once your actually available they lose interest. Same goes for woman. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Audrey20 Posted February 22, 2005 Author Share Posted February 22, 2005 Thanks to both of you for responding. This is an emotional night for me, trying to keep from contacting him. Your advice is valued. Audrey 20 Link to post Share on other sites
Sukotto Posted February 22, 2005 Share Posted February 22, 2005 Best way to remove that temptation is to remember the bad times, it wasnt always good times and I've found that after the end of a relationship most of my friends delude themselves about how good it was. In reality the bad times far outweighed the good times but thats what was focussed on. Link to post Share on other sites
Oriental Posted February 23, 2005 Share Posted February 23, 2005 Hi im another one who can very much relate! i've never personally experienced "unable to move on but ended up doing fine ", but a friend said she went through this, at the time she felt "this is it, am not gonna love again", but eventually she did meet someone she liked very very much and the new guy made her 100% over her ex (she was almost there when they met). it didnt work in the end becoz she moved to another country for work but it at least proves that there might be more than one for everyone. Link to post Share on other sites
ostateclarett13 Posted February 23, 2005 Share Posted February 23, 2005 Audrey, I know exactly how you feel. Certainly you we together longer than my ex and I, but I understand your not wanting to let go. The way that I look at it, is if your heart tells you that you love this person, than you can't give up that chance. I think about the same things, possibly being with someone else, but not wanting to hurt them. It is strange because now all of a sudden I have people coming up to me and wanting to hook me up with their friend, but I can't. The fear of hurting someone else, and knowing how can I be fair to them if I love another? Everyday I wake up and it is like a pain that I cannot live with. Loving someone who you cannot be with. I know it is hard, but...if you can ask yourself if you would do anything in the world for this person (which i feel you would) then do not give up hope. Go with your heart, ask God to guide you through the tough times. I know that he has helped me. Good Luck in your travels Link to post Share on other sites
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