Broken promises, broken hearts, what do I do???

[summone]

Here's the short version of the story.

I've been with my now husband for over 10yrs and recently married a few months & almost throughout the entire time there has been some form of broken promise about porn. I'm not a prude in fact I'd say I'm pretty open minded and have a high sex drive, so this makes it more confusing to me. We've had multiple arguments about it, I've come at him thru every angle, & I know he gets it at the time. But then it'll pop up somewhere else.

Nowadays it is so easy to access some form of porn because of technology. I put a block on his phone so he can't go on any "naughty" sites & I know he threw away all his videos (or so I believe) but then today I discovered that he has searched this porn star on Instagram. Yes it's only pics and nothing more but it's the principal that he made a promise to not look at any form of "porn". How can I trust him?

What should I do, if I confront him we'll prob get into a fight because that's what his initial defense mechanism is & he'll get mad that I'm snooping & always focusing on the bad & we prob won't solve anything. Or I can say we need to go to counseling (we have been in the past a few times but stopped)? Or should I just leave him a note about how I'm fed up that he broke yet another promise about this situation & not come home? (& trust me there's other stuff that has happen to lead me to being this way, it's not just what I've mentioned) I feel like not coming home to teach him a lesson but will I only make things worse? I'm new to this marriage thing & so use to being just a girlfriend that I don't know what the right thing to do is...can someone lend some advice?

[laurelin]

What do you mean by a "broken promise about porn"? Are you saying he has promised not to watch it? Under what circumstances has he done this?

 

While a broken promise can certainly be a flag, I have to question why the promise was made in the first place. You were quick to point out you aren't a "prude" and that you have a high sex drive, so does that mean you don't mind him watching porn -- you just want him to be honest about it or does that mean that, since you're not a prude and you have a high sex drive, he shouldn't need to watch it and, therefore, you've requested that he doesn't?

 

If it's the former, then I'd say there's an issue with him associating shame with pornography. If it's the latter and he is sneaking porn because you've outlawed it, I'd say that there comes a time in marriage when you need to pick your battles. By putting blocks on technology and checking up on him, you're admitting to yourself (and him) that you don't think it's possible for him to monitor himself, nor do you trust him to do so.

 

Personally, I invite conversations about pornography use into my relationship because I understand that it's a resource for men and I don't want my guy to feel like he has to hide that part of his sexuality. Heck, I even ask who his favorites are! Why? Because they're just the fantasy and they're on a screen. He's not touching them or talking to them or getting to know them. If that runs through his mind, fine...but it remains a fantasy. And that's just fine with me. It shouldn't be an insult to you that your guy watches porn. If anything, it means there isn't some other "live" woman around who's playing a starring role in his fantasies.

 

If you accept it and live with it (and you don't fight about it or express your displeasure), he's not going to feel the need to rebel against you and sneak it. The last place you want deception in a marriage is intimacy. Yes, you can set boundaries about what is and isn't acceptable, but those should be made for things that have the potential to do physical or emotional damage.

 

As for the breaking of a promise, well, it's not a terribly realistic promise. The big lesson to learn about marriage is thinking in terms of "we" instead of "I". You both make decisions based upon the good of the marriage...it's not one against the other or one telling the other what to do or how to think. It means being open, discussing, listening and really hearing one another. But, more than anything, it means picking your battles. Don't seek to punish. Seek to understand.

[WhatYouWantToHear]

This is going to be hard for you to do and going to sound like I'm ragging on you, but I'm not: How is him looking at porn a problem?

 

That's rhetorical. We both know the answer--it makes you feel less attractive, makes you question his desire for you, blah blah blah. Again, not judgemental, you're entitled to feel that way. But examine that for a minute--'it makes you feel...'- You control your thoughts and feelings, so this is something you do ultimately have control over. He is choosing to look at porn and but you are choosing to let it emotionally affect you.

 

Look, he's not going to stop looking at porn, history has taught us that. So its either up to you to either accept it or have it be a deal breaker and end your marriage.

[TXGuy]

Per your OP, he has been watching porn and lying to you about it the past 10 years and you have been aware of it the whole time. You knew that before you recently married. Now that you have him locked down with the marriage contract, you want to tighten the screws and bully him into further monitoring and restrictions with the threat of leaving him.

 

While you are at it, you need to forbid him from Jacking off in the shower because it is obvious he would be fantasizing about other women while doing so. You should install a camera in the shower to ensure compliance.

 

Ok, seriously. What is the big deal about your man watching porn? You need to get over it or end the marriage. I don't think you will get over it, so just let go of the marriage. It sounds like it was a mistake.

[summone]

What do you mean by a "broken promise about porn"? Are you saying he has promised not to watch it? Under what circumstances has he done this?

 

While a broken promise can certainly be a flag, I have to question why the promise was made in the first place. You were quick to point out you aren't a "prude" and that you have a high sex drive, so does that mean you don't mind him watching porn -- you just want him to be honest about it or does that mean that, since you're not a prude and you have a high sex drive, he shouldn't need to watch it and, therefore, you've requested that he doesn't?

 

If it's the former, then I'd say there's an issue with him associating shame with pornography. If it's the latter and he is sneaking porn because you've outlawed it, I'd say that there comes a time in marriage when you need to pick your battles. By putting blocks on technology and checking up on him, you're admitting to yourself (and him) that you don't think it's possible for him to monitor himself, nor do you trust him to do so.

 

Personally, I invite conversations about pornography use into my relationship because I understand that it's a resource for men and I don't want my guy to feel like he has to hide that part of his sexuality. Heck, I even ask who his favorites are! Why? Because they're just the fantasy and they're on a screen. He's not touching them or talking to them or getting to know them. If that runs through his mind, fine...but it remains a fantasy. And that's just fine with me. It shouldn't be an insult to you that your guy watches porn. If anything, it means there isn't some other "live" woman around who's playing a starring role in his fantasies.

 

If you accept it and live with it (and you don't fight about it or express your displeasure), he's not going to feel the need to rebel against you and sneak it. The last place you want deception in a marriage is intimacy. Yes, you can set boundaries about what is and isn't acceptable, but those should be made for things that have the potential to do physical or emotional damage.

 

As for the breaking of a promise, well, it's not a terribly realistic promise. The big lesson to learn about marriage is thinking in terms of "we" instead of "I". You both make decisions based upon the good of the marriage...it's not one against the other or one telling the other what to do or how to think. It means being open, discussing, listening and really hearing one another. But, more than anything, it means picking your battles. Don't seek to punish. Seek to understand.

 

Thank you laurelin for your words of wisdom I really appreciate them!

So I guess what I meant by I'm not a prude & have a high sex drive is that I am always ready & willing to have sex and we have explored all sorts of diff things together including watching porn together, making our own, etc.

So I don't fully understand why he needs to continue to do this, maybe I'm taking it too seriously but it does make me feel bad about myself like i'm not enough, or I constantly have to work at changing it up, its exhausting!

 

It was worse before he use to go on online dating sites to try and chat w/ girls & try and skype with them. Had a profile on some other sites making comments on other girls pics. This ended up in a hugh blow out between us & I was ready to walk. Of course he convinced me to stay and thats where the promises began. He def is waaaay better from all that because I know for sure he's not doing all that anymore BUT am I to be thankful that he's not doing things like that & just looking at pics on IG or be upset because it's about the trust, how can I trust him if he keeps making promises not to do something & yes it gets better but then it pops up in a lesser form somewhere else...like when does it die? He has an addictive type personality so is it ever cured or do we need help?

 

Am I seriously overreacting because I feel like he's so sensitive that he would be super hurt & angry if I kept breaking promises to him.

[summone]

This is going to be hard for you to do and going to sound like I'm ragging on you, but I'm not: How is him looking at porn a problem?

 

That's rhetorical. We both know the answer--it makes you feel less attractive, makes you question his desire for you, blah blah blah. Again, not judgemental, you're entitled to feel that way. But examine that for a minute--'it makes you feel...'- You control your thoughts and feelings, so this is something you do ultimately have control over. He is choosing to look at porn and but you are choosing to let it emotionally affect you.

 

Look, he's not going to stop looking at porn, history has taught us that. So its either up to you to either accept it or have it be a deal breaker and end your marriage.

 

Hi Whatyouwanttohear,

You're right it does make me feel less than...not enough...BUT the main issue is that he has done worse things than this I mentioned some in my other reply above & he's stopped alot of it & this is just a small part that's left behind still but I guess I'm upset because I hold so much in a promise because after all the **** that we've been thru & broken trust I need it to be built back again & how can this happen if he can't keep his promises? Big or small? It's like if I can't trust your word in this area then how am I suppose to trust it in others.....?

[summone]

Per your OP, he has been watching porn and lying to you about it the past 10 years and you have been aware of it the whole time. You knew that before you recently married. Now that you have him locked down with the marriage contract, you want to tighten the screws and bully him into further monitoring and restrictions with the threat of leaving him.

 

While you are at it, you need to forbid him from Jacking off in the shower because it is obvious he would be fantasizing about other women while doing so. You should install a camera in the shower to ensure compliance.

 

Ok, seriously. What is the big deal about your man watching porn? You need to get over it or end the marriage. I don't think you will get over it, so just let go of the marriage. It sounds like it was a mistake.

 

Hi TXGuy I see you're being sarcastic but I get what you're saying & I thnk you're wrapping it too much in the porn thing instead of the promise thing.

I think if you're going to make a promise to someone esp if its your spouse then you should keep it no matter what it is. Replace porn in this situation with cigarettes, say we've had many discussions bout it & how I don't like it, it's bad for his health...etc...ok then I find out he smoked a cig & didn't tell me and has prob been smoking cigs everyday maybe not nearly as much as before but still even after promising he would stop...does this change the situation? Would I be too hard on him if I confronted him about smoking cigarettes after he promised he would stop?

[TXGuy]

Hi TXGuy I see you're being sarcastic but I get what you're saying & I thnk you're wrapping it too much in the porn thing instead of the promise thing.

I think if you're going to make a promise to someone esp if its your spouse then you should keep it no matter what it is. Replace porn in this situation with cigarettes, say we've had many discussions bout it & how I don't like it, it's bad for his health...etc...ok then I find out he smoked a cig & didn't tell me and has prob been smoking cigs everyday maybe not nearly as much as before but still even after promising he would stop...does this change the situation? Would I be too hard on him if I confronted him about smoking cigarettes after he promised he would stop?

 

If it is really about the promise as you say, you can easily solve that by releasing him from the silly promise you emotionally bullied him into giving. No stupid promise, no problem.

 

I doubt that is the case though. You don't have a problem with porn (you watched it with him). You seem to have a problem with him having any enjoyment in life that you do not inject yourself into the middle of.

 

Your obsession with control and emotional abuse of your new husband seems troubling.

[laurelin]

So I don't fully understand why he needs to continue to do this, maybe I'm taking it too seriously but it does make me feel bad about myself like i'm not enough, or I constantly have to work at changing it up, its exhausting!

 

It doesn't have anything to do with you or what you're lacking. It's simply a resource/visual aid when all he's doing is looking at photos. However...

 

It was worse before he use to go on online dating sites to try and chat w/ girls & try and skype with them. Had a profile on some other sites making comments on other girls pics.

This is something else entirely and I think you were right not to put up with it. When he's making contact with actual, live human beings (even if it's to skype and/or chat), that's a form of infidelity, in my opinion, and that is emotionally damaging.

 

My ex-husband was on Ashley Madison for nearly a year before I discovered it and, just like you, I forgave him and he promised (on his own) never to utilize such a site again. I trusted his promise so I didn't check up on him or anything like that. When he started playing "poker" on his phone a week later, I didn't even question it. He played that game religiously, morning, noon and night. Three months later, he confessed to me (in front of our therapist) that the poker game was a rouse and it was actually another chat site.

 

Our therapist seemed to believe he was addicted to these sites. Each time he had tried to stop using them or throw away the app, he would fly into these strange, violent rages. Since I knew nothing of his online activity, I just thought he was really moody or that I had done something to set him off -- nope, he was just in withdrawal.

 

If your husband has a history of addiction, doesn't like to tell the truth about anything (or dribbles the truth little bits at a time), won't give straight answers, and spends a majority of his conversations telling you what he thinks you want to hear (rather than meaning what he says), you've got problems.

 

Since you've been with him so long and you made the decision to marry, I'd suggest you talk to him about, maybe, seeking marital counseling with you. You'll be able to get a better sense of his commitment level to the marriage and how often his actions match his words.

 

I'd also recommend that you don't spy on him anymore. It just hurts you and sets you up for being the instigator of an argument. You can't really argue that he has betrayed your trust when you've also betrayed his. If you can iron out the porn issue (i.e. you don't mind if he watches it or looks at photos, but you are not able to tolerate interaction between him and other women) and set a reasonable boundary, that might be all it needs to get back on track.