How do I handle this?

[Gloria25]

Hi everyone,

 

I posted awhile back about a guy who is involved with someone and Iace wasn't sure if he was interested in me. Here's a link to the post:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/482835-he-trying-make-play-me

 

Anywho, I kid you not, last weekend...late at nite (I work late and arrive home almost past midnight). I was looking outside (because I had a lot of drama with someone messing with my garden lights a few months ago) and I saw the guy standing across the street staring at my home. He was there playing with some cats and just walked back to his place. He lives a few houses down from me.

 

But he still kinda like plays non-shalant when I see him around the hood. I pass his place like every day and he won't come out and I'm not sure if he's avoiding me?

 

Is this guy gas lighting me or isn't sure about whether or not he wants to get with me?

 

Thanks

[SoleMate]

...[it was] past midnight....outside.....I saw the guy standing across the street staring at my home......playing with some cats and just walked back to his place. He lives a few houses down from me......

Wait, is this dude's name "Dr. Evil" and is the cat a hairless Sphinx?

 

...I had a lot of drama with someone messing with my garden lights a few months ago.....

I have a suspect in mind!

 

Seriously, what a skeeve-ass weirdo. Just ignore him until it's time to file for the restraining order.

[notserene]

Are you sure that the guy is staring *at* you...and not just staring into space?

[Gloria25]

No, no Dr. Evil here....he's quite handsome with a full head of hair.

 

And, the cats belong to another neighbor (which is another reason I'm usually peeking outside, cuz I'm tired of those cats pooping in my garden...lol)

 

And yes, he was staring at my home. I even kept on staring back (through my blinds) to make sure it was him and even watched him walk back to his place.

 

Again, I'm stumped and don't know what to do. Don't think there's anything malicious...I'm leaning more towards gas lighting...I mean, some people do get a kick or ego boost off of messing with people's head.

Edited July 17, 2014 by Gloria25

[DKT3]

I don't know, sounds a little Wild Bill-ish Silence of the Lambs you know. "You want some lotion"

[wind willow]

I still think you're seeing things you want to see.

 

Here's the break down of your entire relationship with this guy including what's in your last thread:

- For awhile, he would say hello to you in passing.

 

- You were upset one day, and he asked why you looked upset.

 

- You talked to him later, and he said that he has a gf and that he didn't remember talking to you before.

 

- You walk past his apartment and wonder why he won't come out. And for some reason, you think it's because he's avoiding you. Huh? Plenty of neighbors walk by my house every day. I usually don't go out to see them. I'm baffled as to why you think he has any idea that you're walking by. I'm more baffled as to why you think your two conversations with him make you important enough to him to spend the energy avoiding. Instead of realizing he doesn't have any interest in you, you've concocted this idea that he's avoiding you because he doesn't know if he wants you. Which makes little sense. If he is avoiding you, my guess is because he picked up on the same vibe you're giving off here and doesn't want anything to do with it.

 

- He was outside around midnight looking in the direction of your apartment. You watched him as he was playing with cats then went home. In this thread, you say "house" which makes it seem more deliberate and directed toward you than if you said apartment since generally there are a lot more things around an apartment he could have been looking at than there are around a house.

 

Maybe he thought he saw something in an apartment near yours. Maybe he saw a bird or raccoon. Maybe he was looking for the cats. Then something caught his eye and he was wondering "Is there somebody in that apartment looking through the blinds? Why is she staring at me?" What do you have to back up your assumption that he was staring at your apartment before you looked out the window?

 

It sounds like somebody has some stalker tendencies, but I don't think it's him. Your skewed description in this thread makes it seem like it's him. But knowing your entire interaction makes it obvious that it's all in your head. -- Unless you're leaving something out like that you two made out or slept together.

 

But if all that's to it is what you've described in these 2 threads, not only is he not gaslighting you, he barely realizes you exist. Stop obsessing over this guy. He's taken and hasn't shown any interest in dating you.

 

I don't intend to be mean or make you feel bad. But I think it's best for you to realize how creepy it is that you've read so much into these few actions. And if there actually is more to the story that you're not telling, please do share.

Edited July 18, 2014 by wind willow

[Gloria25]

I still think you're seeing things you want to see.

 

Here's the break down of your entire relationship with this guy including what's in your last thread:

- For awhile, he would say hello to you in passing.

 

- You were upset one day, and he asked why you looked upset.

 

- You talked to him later, and he said that he has a gf and that he didn't remember talking to you before.

 

- You walk past his apartment and wonder why he won't come out. And for some reason, you think it's because he's avoiding you. Huh? Plenty of neighbors walk by my house every day. I usually don't go out to see them. I'm baffled as to why you think he has any idea that you're walking by. I'm more baffled as to why you think your two conversations with him make you important enough to him to spend the energy avoiding. Instead of realizing he doesn't have any interest in you, you've concocted this idea that he's avoiding you because he doesn't know if he wants you. Which makes little sense. If he is avoiding you, my guess is because he picked up on the same vibe you're giving off here and doesn't want anything to do with it.

 

- He was outside around midnight looking in the direction of your apartment. You watched him as he was playing with cats then went home. In this thread, you say "house" which makes it seem more deliberate and directed toward you than if you said apartment since generally there are a lot more things around an apartment he could have been looking at than there are around a house.

 

Maybe he thought he saw something in an apartment near yours. Maybe he saw a bird or raccoon. Maybe he was looking for the cats. Then something caught his eye and he was wondering "Is there somebody in that apartment looking through the blinds? Why is she staring at me?" What do you have to back up your assumption that he was staring at your apartment before you looked out the window?

 

It sounds like somebody has some stalker tendencies, but I don't think it's him. Your skewed description in this thread makes it seem like it's him. But knowing your entire interaction makes it obvious that it's all in your head. -- Unless you're leaving something out like that you two made out or slept together.

 

But if all that's to it is what you've described in these 2 threads, not only is he not gaslighting you, he barely realizes you exist. Stop obsessing over this guy. He's taken and hasn't shown any interest in dating you.

 

I don't intend to be mean or make you feel bad. But I think it's best for you to realize how creepy it is that you've read so much into these few actions. And if there actually is more to the story that you're not telling, please do share.

 

Wait, who said anything about a "relationship"? I am just detailing some encounters I had with this guy and if I was some psycho-stalker chick I wouldn't be here asking people what their opinion was. Like I said, this situation baffles me and how strange it is why I'm trying to ask people what they think about it.

 

And yes, I initially said "apartment" because I was trying to tell my story without putting in some details because this "is" a public forum.

 

No, I haven't slept with him or anything else. Not sure if I put in more details what I'm saying would make sense.

[wind willow]

Wait, who said anything about a "relationship"?

 

You hinted you were interested in a relationship with him in this post in your last thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/482835-he-trying-make-play-me#post5772297

Yes, it bothered me. I wouldn't want to be someone's gal and getting cheated on. But then again, you never know someone's situation.

 

If not, I don't get why you were thinking about hypothetically being cheated on.

 

I am just detailing some encounters I had with this guy and if I was some psycho-stalker chick I wouldn't be here asking people what their opinion was.

 

It's what you're asking opinions about.

 

Like I said, this situation baffles me and how strange it is why I'm trying to ask people what they think about it.

 

Nothing you've mentioned him doing is that strange. A person who lives nearby being outside after midnight and looking in the direction of your place isn't something so strange it needs to be asked about. There are plenty of possible reasons for why he could have been doing that which have nothing to do with you.

 

If you caught a neighbor repeatedly standing across the street staring at your place, absolutely that's strange enough to ask about. If it happened in combination with other odd behaviors, then yeah it makes sense to ask. (Not coming out of his place when you're around and not remembering a previous conversation with you don't count as odd.) But it's strange to ask other people "Is this guy gas lighting me or isn't sure about whether or not he wants to get with me?" because he happened to be outside late at night and you saw him looking toward your place.

 

From both of your threads, it's clear that you're asking these questions because you hope his actions mean he's interested in you and is so conflicted about his interest that he's doing things that in your mind seem bizarre. But his actions are only bizarre when you spin them to somehow mean he has an interest in you. If you stop trying to spin it, nothing he's done is that out of the ordinary.

 

And yes, I initially said "apartment" because I was trying to tell my story without putting in some details because this "is" a public forum.

 

Uh... So you said you live in an apartment complex earlier because you didn't want the personal detail that you live in a house in a public forum? Huh? Billions of people live in houses. You're not giving anything about by saying you live in a house instead of an apartment. What changed you mind about needing to keep that detail private?

 

No, I haven't slept with him or anything else. Not sure if I put in more details what I'm saying would make sense.

 

I'm not sure it would either. Can you explain why you know for sure he was looking at your place before you looked out the window and not at something else nearby? Is there something that makes you think that he's into you that you haven't mentioned? Have you spoken to him more than the two times you mentioned and the passing hellos?

Edited July 18, 2014 by wind willow

[Livingeachday]

No, no Dr. Evil here....he's quite handsome with a full head of hair.

 

Puh *sigh of relieve* quite handsome dude with full head of hair...than he can't be your next door psychopath - cos those always look terrible and are bold. Maybe it's time for you to watch "American Psycho" if you haven't seen it?

 

Seriously - if that guy is staring at your appartment at times when he might know you come home which is regularly in the middle of the night - that's plain creepy and the last of your worries should be if he is playing you.

[The Way I Am]

Seriously - if that guy is staring at your appartment at times when he might know you come home which is regularly in the middle of the night - that's plain creepy and the last of your worries should be if he is playing you.

 

You'd think from OP's reaction that he was making a habit of it. But if you read closely, OP never mentions that it happened more than once.

 

Where do you get that he even knows when she gets home or that midnight is the usual time she does? OP said she worked late implying that wasn't her normal time for getting home.

 

I don't see anything here other than a guy was outside at night and looking in OP's direction when OP looked out the window. OP hasn't given any reason for why she thinks he was staring at her place vs having just looked that way for a second right before she came to the window. And OP didn't say anything about him making a habit of it or knowing when she gets home. You're jumping to bigger conclusions about the guy than OP is and she's making some big jumps!

 

Guy might have been out for a walk because he couldn't sleep, stopped to play with cats, and saw some animal near her place. Because she's got a crush on him, she's interpreting it as something more meaningful.

 

And she doesn't even seem to realize that the picture she's presenting of him is a creepy one. It seems like in her mind, if he had been standing outside just staring at her house in the middle of the night, it would be flattering. Because all she's interested in knowing is whether or not it means likes her.

 

*That's* scary.

[Gloria25]

You'd think from OP's reaction that he was making a habit of it. But if you read closely, OP never mentions that it happened more than once.

 

Where do you get that he even knows when she gets home or that midnight is the usual time she does? OP said she worked late implying that wasn't her normal time for getting home.

 

I don't see anything here other than a guy was outside at night and looking in OP's direction when OP looked out the window. OP hasn't given any reason for why she thinks he was staring at her place vs having just looked that way for a second right before she came to the window. And OP didn't say anything about him making a habit of it or knowing when she gets home. You're jumping to bigger conclusions about the guy than OP is and she's making some big jumps!

 

Guy might have been out for a walk because he couldn't sleep, stopped to play with cats, and saw some animal near her place. Because she's got a crush on him, she's interpreting it as something more meaningful.

 

And she doesn't even seem to realize that the picture she's presenting of him is a creepy one. It seems like in her mind, if he had been standing outside just staring at her house in the middle of the night, it would be flattering. Because all she's interested in knowing is whether or not it means likes her.

 

*That's* scary.

 

Ok, sorry for not adding more details....again, this is a public forum.

 

Anywho, the guy staring at my house happened twice - that I know of - and I found out last week. And, he didn't just take a glance and walked off. He was there for a few minutes, enough for neighbor's cats to come and purr on him...lol

 

And no, I don't think he's a creep (I hope). I just am not sure what to make of him.

 

Sometimes I wonder if now that I chatted him up the other day he may be noticing me now.

 

And no, I don't expect him or anyone to come outside and greet me cuz I walk by their place. I just find it odd to catch him staring at my home and then when I walk by his place, he won't come out...So, I guess he was just standing across my street at midnight cuz he has nothing better to do and I'm a psycho chick.

[seekingpeaceinlove]

Gloria, I think you're making something out of nothing. Seems like you'll over-analyze everything that he does OR doesn't do at this point. I mean, wondering why he hasn't come out to greet you when you've passed his house? Really?

 

He's involved with someone. Period. You shouldn't be concerned with him at all especially since he hasn't even showed any genuine interest in you.

[Gloria25]

You'd think from OP's reaction that he was making a habit of it. But if you read closely, OP never mentions that it happened more than once.

 

Where do you get that he even knows when she gets home or that midnight is the usual time she does? OP said she worked late implying that wasn't her normal time for getting home.

 

I don't see anything here other than a guy was outside at night and looking in OP's direction when OP looked out the window. OP hasn't given any reason for why she thinks he was staring at her place vs having just looked that way for a second right before she came to the window. And OP didn't say anything about him making a habit of it or knowing when she gets home. You're jumping to bigger conclusions about the guy than OP is and she's making some big jumps!

 

Guy might have been out for a walk because he couldn't sleep, stopped to play with cats, and saw some animal near her place. Because she's got a crush on him, she's interpreting it as something more meaningful.

 

And she doesn't even seem to realize that the picture she's presenting of him is a creepy one. It seems like in her mind, if he had been standing outside just staring at her house in the middle of the night, it would be flattering. Because all she's interested in knowing is whether or not it means likes her.

 

*That's* scary.

 

Gloria, I think you're making something out of nothing. Seems like you'll over-analyze everything that he does OR doesn't do at this point. I mean, wondering why he hasn't come out to greet you when you've passed his house? Really?

 

He's involved with someone. Period. You shouldn't be concerned with him at all especially since he hasn't even showed any genuine interest in you.

 

Ok, what's the point of this "Other Man/Woman" forum if I'm gonna get slammed for having interest in someone who's taken?

[The Way I Am]

Huh uh. You don't get to play the "you're just picking on me because I want a MM" card. I've seen threads where people were slammed for wanting someone who's taken. That's not happening here.

 

I didn't even mention him being taken. I couldn't get past the conclusions you're jumping to. Even if he were single, my response would be the same.

[whichwayisup]

Not sure what it is you're looking for to happen? A friendship? A possible relationship with him (even though you know he's with someone)? Are you creeped out that he is watching you and not really talking to you? I would be.

 

Completely ignore him and go on with your life, don't give this a second thought anymore, or go over to him and either ask him why he's lurking you or tell him to stop. Confront him.

 

You don't know him at all, for all you know he could be a wolf in a sheeps clothing.

[wind willow]

Ok, sorry for not adding more details....again, this is a public forum.

 

Anywho, the guy staring at my house happened twice - that I know of - and I found out last week. And, he didn't just take a glance and walked off. He was there for a few minutes, enough for neighbor's cats to come and purr on him...lol

 

Again why is that, but not the rest of the details, something that needs be kept secret from anonymous strangers? That's a huge detail to exclude without a very good reason for excluding it, so I'm a bit skeptical about whether it's true. But I'm not going to argue with you about if it is or isn't. You know and that's all that matters.

 

So I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and answer with the assumption he has been caught looking toward your home on multiple occasions.

 

And no, I don't think he's a creep (I hope). I just am not sure what to make of him.

 

If he has a habit of staring at your home at night, he does sound like a creep. Seriously. Who does that?

 

Ok, what's the point of this "Other Man/Woman" forum if I'm gonna get slammed for having interest in someone who's taken?

I'm not slamming you for being interested in him. I am a little irked that you're switching up details and being evasive on what exactly it is you want. You say stuff that makes it seem like you want a relationship with him. Then talk like you don't want a relationship. Now you say you're interested in him. Do you want this guy or what? Do you want to date him? Do you want to be FWB? Just be clear about what you want.

 

I'm not going to judge you just for having an interest in a guy with a gf. I don't like to talk much about my situation, but (as much as I hate saying it) I'm an OW. (Tho I've put on the brakes at the moment because my needs and time tables for the end of his relationship were not getting met. ) After 3 years of knowing him, I fell for my neighbor whose relationship has been dysfunctional for many years and is ending. So I have some personal experience with what it's like for a neighbor who's in a bad relationship to develop an interest in you. It's nothing like you've described. And while every situation is different, yours just does not line up. Your interpretation of the guy's actions is hard to track against normal behavior.

 

I'm going to try to make sense of it and go through the possible explanations that have been suggested. Maybe you'll see what I'm talking about or you can explain what it is that you're seeing differently in these scenarios that leads you to a different conclusion.

 

1. He's not interested in you. -- He's not avoiding you. Talking to you or not talking to you just isn't on his mind. There was some other reason he's been looking toward your home at night. #1 is the most straightforward. And if you follow the principle that the simplest answer is the most likely, this is most likely.

 

2. He's interested in you and wants to cheat with you but is happy with his gf. -- This one doesn't fit at all, because if he wanted to cheat with you, he wouldn't be avoiding you.

 

3. He's interested in you but is happy with his gf and conflicted about his interest in you. -- He's avoiding you because he doesn't want to be tempted to cheat. Yet he's so conflicted and drawn to you that he goes out in the middle of the night to stare at your home. This one seems implausible, because if he were happy with his gf, two conversations with some woman isn't going to cause him some kind of monumental internal conflict that leads him to avoid the woman but stare at her place in the middle of the night (assuming he's sane anyway). If you'd known him for months or years and had close conversations with him, shared a kiss, drunkenly slept together, etc. I could see this as a maybe. (Though FB stalking is more likely that in-person stalking.) After only two conversations with you #3 seems absurd.

 

4. He's interested in you and is unhappy with his gf. -- I can't think of a reason he would avoid you in this case. Why wouldn't he just talk to you? If he likes you and has a bad relationship, wouldn't he naturally want to spend more time talking to a person who makes him feel good? He'd be relieved for a bit of escape. Then sooner or later, he'd either end the miserable relationship or cheat to be with you. I also can't think of any reason why a sane person would stare at your home around midnight in this case. Sane people don't do that.

 

5. He's messing with your head. -- I don't see how he would get any kind of kick out of purposely avoiding you then staring at your place at midnight. Unless he's some kind of psychopath.

Edited July 19, 2014 by wind willow

[Gloria25]

Well, I spoke to dude and he wants a hook-up. I had to put him off a while cuz I got some personal stuff I need to take care of this week and am already behind big time (and here I go procrastinating again, by writing on this forum).

 

So, there you go...thanks for your comments.

[notserene]

Well, I spoke to dude and he wants a hook-up. I had to put him off a while cuz I got some personal stuff I need to take care of this week and am already behind big time (and here I go procrastinating again, by writing on this forum).

 

So, there you go...thanks for your comments.

 

So...you might pencil him in if you can find the time?!?

[wind willow]

So what motivated you to just finally ask him? May I ask how you brought up the subject of whether he wants to hook up? Or did he ask?

 

Also, did you ask him if he had been staring at your house at night?

 

I don't care if you want to sleep with someone who has a wife or gf. Doesn't affect me, and I'm not out to save the relationship of every guy who wants to cheat.

 

If you had just said in the first place that you just wanted a hook up with the guy, I'd have just told you to ask him. (I guess that's what you want. You still haven't said.)

 

But I'd have also told you that it's a terrible idea to hook up with people you see often like neighbors, coworkers, etc. especially when they're taken. When it goes bad, you still have to deal with them being around (and their partner when they're taken). I just sold my house which I loved and bought a new one because it was too hard to have to drive by their place, see their cars, and know when either of them was home. Every day it was just a frustrating reminder that he's not willing to man up and just leave without her permission.

 

Not to mention that he's your neighbor and if the gf finds out, she knows exactly where to find you. It wasn't fun to have his wife come to my door to b-tch at me about why they're getting divorced. I would hate to be on the receiving end if the relationship wasn't already in the process of ending and she was unstable and/or blamed me for the end of the affair. (And chances are since they're not married that they're not in the process of splitting up. There's not much process when you're not married.) Someone messing with your garden lights would be the least of your worries.

 

If you just want someone to hook up with, I suggest using the many online options for finding someone. Or the nearest bar/club. There are plenty of hot guys out there to hook up with who don't come with inevitable drama so close to home.

Edited July 20, 2014 by wind willow

[wind willow]

One other thing. I have this nagging feeling that you're not really looking for a hookup.

 

A guy wanting to sleep with you doesn't mean he has any genuine interest in you or any feelings for you. It also doesn't mean he's been pining after you. Agreeing to hook up on the 3rd conversation isn't the path to a relationship. So I hope that's genuinely not what you want.

 

I'm worried for you, because you don't come across like a girl who's all about the hookups. You seem like a person who wants a relationship but is trying to play it cool. If so, don't sweat it. Been there. Done that. Many women have. Don't settle for less than what you want. Don't agree to be some guy's sex toy (single or taken) because you want something more.

 

If you are a hookup type girl and get a thrill from drama, then never mind any of my cautions and congratulations on your score.

Edited July 20, 2014 by wind willow

[Gloria25]

Well, I was finally able to find some time on my schedule for dude and he politely declined.

 

I don't know, I feel relieved, and more embarrassed. But then again, after considering Wind willow's replies to my thread, just like dude, I was also asking myself if I wanted a hook up and/or to be treated like some "warm place to put it".

 

About me being the "hook-up" type? Well, over the years I have had many casual relationships. Now in my 30's I figured out that I won't open myself up to trusting/committed situations because of my broken home/upbringing. But, that doesn't mean I'm running the streets sleeping around. Actually, the last guy I was seeing ended around the end of 2012...so, I'm just going through one of my "droughts".

 

Even before the 2012 thing ended, I was under so much stress that even having a casual thing was difficult - hence me not getting involved with someone else for this period and me giving the cold shoulder to this dude I was crushing on.

 

Again, I'm kinda relieved he declined, but I was kinda looking forward to a nice wild release...and gosh, when he asked if he could come over the other day it was so hard to turn him down, I mean I was busy but without going into the steamy details - I was thinking hard about him all day

 

Anywho, thank you all for your comments.

 

And to answer some more of Wind Willow's questions: I decided to extend him an invite cuz while I'm a busy person, I've been getting more time to tend to hobbies, relaxation, etc. and figured if he was staring at my home the other day, maybe he's interested and I probably need to just invite him over. At first he denied being outside by my place, but then said he just goes there to feed my neighbor's pesky cats....and I was the one who invited him over to my place for a beer and to 'see what happens' and then that's when he said he was interested in doing something racy - but just a one-time racy thing.

Edited July 24, 2014 by Gloria25