Why can't I stop looking for BETTER? Cheated on every single guy.

[Lullaby_10]

I'm 23 years old, and I've spoken to several guys on a romantic level - though only been in two serious relationships (one of which I am currently in). Prior to the two serious relationships, I would flirt, dirty-talk, never get physical, but do enough to get the guys interested - and then once I found a better catch. I'd drop the the guy I was initially talking to, acting like nothing ever happened, and move on the to next. Unsurprisingly, I'd keep finding one guy after the either, lead them on, and then leave them once someone new interested me.

 

I thought the cycle ended when I got into my first serious relationship. The relationship lasted for 3 years. However, every time something would go wrong in the relationship, I'd resort to running back to one of my old flames for emotional support. I'd feel this sense of comfort that IF things ended with my boyfriend, I already have a lineup of guys waiting for me who I had previously led on and dumped. Then, things would go back to normal with my boyfriend, and I'd drop the old guys again - reminding myself to be 'loyal' (which I wasn't) to the relationship. Anyways, so throughout my relationship with my ex, I was always looking around for something better. I knew there had to be something better, I couldn't settle for this guy - but I needed him as an emotional crunch before I found someone else.

 

Unsurprisingly, I then met my current boyfriend. He seemed much more smarter, intellectual and attractive than my ex. Due to which, I dumped my ex. This time around I was sure I was in love. I mean, he's perfect. I just needed someone perfect to stop my cycle of looking for something better. Well, things have gotten bad with my current boyfriend, and I've now realized that he isn't perfect. As a result of this, I've started messaging my ex, and contemplating how things were in fact MUCH better with him than with this guy. I feel like I'm either going to run back to my ex (who still likes me) or I'm going to keep this guy around until someone better comes a long.

 

I know my current boyfriend is completely head over heels for me. In fact, most of the guys I've spoken to do fall madly in love with me, but I can't seem to remain loyal to ANY one of them! I feel like if the guy isn't perfect, or exactly how I imagined him to be, then I sort of have a right to go look for better?

 

I'm so confused with myself. I'm a mess, and I know it. I feel like I go around on a heart-breaking spree, and it's so bad. I want to stop it but I can't. I want to remain loyal but I can't. I want to be single but I CAN'T. I don't know what's wrong with me.

[pteromom]

I feel like if the guy isn't perfect, or exactly how I imagined him to be, then I sort of have a right to go look for better?

 

You have a right to do anything you want. But you have a responsibility to be honest with the guys you are with. If you want to look around for better, then don't commit or say you will be faithful and loyal.

 

I want to stop it but I can't.

 

This isn't true. You don't want to stop it. This behavior works for you, because it ensures that you will never be alone.

 

My guess is you are so scared of being left alone, that you actually LOOK for imperfections in your boyfriends, so that you can break it off before they do.

 

Because nobody is "better" and nobody is "perfect". It's just a matter of finding someone who is a good match for you.

 

I want to be single but I CAN'T.

 

This is the crux of your issue. Why is it so scary to be single? Why is it scary to be on your own? Why is it scary to be alone with just yourself? You need to work on figuring that out.

 

Until you learn to be OK single, you are going to continue the behavior that ensures it will never happen.

[Keenly]

I sincerely hope you can diagnose and correct this issue, because this behavior is the absolute worst thing that can happen to a man.

 

 

Its.actually borderline sociopathic behavior , because you are using people and then are completely incapable with empathizong with these guys that you throw away like yesterdays newspaper.

 

 

Please seek therapy.

[Ben Dover]

Kudos for putting yourself out here like this. I know it probably wasn't easy and you're probably gonna hear some stuff that you don't want to. This is a very interesting thread though. I know women that do the same thing as you. It's rruthless really. I was with a woman like you and it was terrible. Should be interesting to see the replies you get. II'm interested in seeing what people have to say about this.

[somedude81]

Lullaby_10, sounds like you may have some personality issues.

 

Have you considered therapy?

[thekid36]

I'm 23 years old, and I've spoken to several guys on a romantic level - though only been in two serious relationships (one of which I am currently in). Prior to the two serious relationships, I would flirt, dirty-talk, never get physical, but do enough to get the guys interested - and then once I found a better catch. I'd drop the the guy I was initially talking to, acting like nothing ever happened, and move on the to next. Unsurprisingly, I'd keep finding one guy after the either, lead them on, and then leave them once someone new interested me.

 

I thought the cycle ended when I got into my first serious relationship. The relationship lasted for 3 years. However, every time something would go wrong in the relationship, I'd resort to running back to one of my old flames for emotional support. I'd feel this sense of comfort that IF things ended with my boyfriend, I already have a lineup of guys waiting for me who I had previously led on and dumped. Then, things would go back to normal with my boyfriend, and I'd drop the old guys again - reminding myself to be 'loyal' (which I wasn't) to the relationship. Anyways, so throughout my relationship with my ex, I was always looking around for something better. I knew there had to be something better, I couldn't settle for this guy - but I needed him as an emotional crunch before I found someone else.

 

Unsurprisingly, I then met my current boyfriend. He seemed much more smarter, intellectual and attractive than my ex. Due to which, I dumped my ex. This time around I was sure I was in love. I mean, he's perfect. I just needed someone perfect to stop my cycle of looking for something better. Well, things have gotten bad with my current boyfriend, and I've now realized that he isn't perfect. As a result of this, I've started messaging my ex, and contemplating how things were in fact MUCH better with him than with this guy. I feel like I'm either going to run back to my ex (who still likes me) or I'm going to keep this guy around until someone better comes a long.

 

I know my current boyfriend is completely head over heels for me. In fact, most of the guys I've spoken to do fall madly in love with me, but I can't seem to remain loyal to ANY one of them! I feel like if the guy isn't perfect, or exactly how I imagined him to be, then I sort of have a right to go look for better?

 

I'm so confused with myself. I'm a mess, and I know it. I feel like I go around on a heart-breaking spree, and it's so bad. I want to stop it but I can't. I want to remain loyal but I can't. I want to be single but I CAN'T. I don't know what's wrong with me.

 

First of all, there is nothing necessarily wrong in theory. Being with someone is something which is most likely really important to you. You want and deserve someone who is extraordinary. It does not sound as if you are maliciously going out and meeting men just to leave them. You are constantly changing because of being so young. Plus, the guys you end up getting with end up not really right for you. So, your intentions of wanting to be as happy as possible are totally good in theory.

 

 

The main issue is that there is always someone else on the other end of things. Always someone who ends up getting hurt as a result of your acute and fleeting actions. When in any kind of relationship, it is always no longer just about you. A kind person would take this into account before rushing into the next relationship.

 

 

One of my main regrets is having rushed into so many relationships when I was younger. Not necessarily in relation to a lack of time. Just a rush to get with someone so as not to exist alone. Not with any malicious kind of intent at all. Yet, it is not our intent which matters as much as how it is all interpreted and experienced on the other end. There are a few women I ended up hurting as a result of my selfish immaturity.

 

 

It may not be the best thing to be having these thoughts about men you have already been with. The thought is that you may also be afraid of being alone. There is no reason to rush from one relationship to the other. The right person is going to be out there and he will come along when you least expect. Thinking before acting is always a good bet.

[changchewsoon]

I know it is not easy for you to post this, but it is a good start because you recognized it and you are reaching out for help.

 

Do you feel very insecure of yourself? Where you have the need to be constantly validated of your self worth?

 

Because the moment you face any issues in your current relationship, you'd resort to running back to familiar grounds and subconsciously line up another guy as a backup in case this relationship doesn't work out. That screams insecurity to me.

 

My ex behaved the exact same as you, only difference is she 28 years old when we broke up, our relationship lasted for almost 2 years. When things got rough with us, she would go out and seek emotional support from guys, and when things are good she would be okay.

 

On top of her cheating, that is the exact same reason why she deserves absolutely nothing from me and I dumped her because to me this is a huge deal breaker.

 

Well, you do know that there will always be a better person out there in this world? Perhaps you might want to learn to be contented with what you have? You do know it will be a never ending chase for a better person.

 

You cannot and I repeat cannot depend on another person to stop your behaviour. Only you yourself can, and you should consider seeking help from a therapist.

[edgygirl]

It seems like you need external validation to feel good about yourself.

 

Learn to love yourself first and only then look for love. The problem is when you're young it's hard to realize that even if someone tells it to your face. Been there, done that. Takes time to see it, to understand it, and to overcome it. I wish you realize it sooner than later as your current situation will only bring grief to yourself.

[Keenly]

I sincerely hope you can diagnose and correct this issue, because this behavior is the absolute worst thing that can happen to a man.

 

 

Its.actually borderline sociopathic behavior , because you are using people and then are completely incapable with empathizong with these guys that you throw away like yesterdays newspaper.

 

 

Please seek therapy.

 

 

Good god. Touchscreen THUMBS.

[CrystalCastles]

This is precisely why I hate dating women.

 

Then date men.

 

Or stay single forever.

 

Not all women are like this, surprise surprise.

[Friskyone4u]

As someone else posted, you have a real problem with needing external validation from men, and if you do not figure it out you will have a real problem in all of your future relationships that may cause you a lot of grief. And if you have children it will be a real mess.

I hope you can afford to get some therapy or beware for any man who gets involved with you.

My guess is you are constantly flirting and putting out all sorts of signs to men that enables you to have this constant stream of attention. Wanting to be attractive to the opposite sex is normal, but you can't ever seem to get enough.

 

I hope you figure it out for your long term benefit

[StumpyNB]

Have you ever considered polyamory? At least then you aren't lying to people about what you are doing, and they aren't being taken advantage of.

[No Limit]

You have lots of insecurities. Just watch out, it'll bite you eventually if you take the "wrong one".

[pteromom]

Have you ever considered polyamory? At least then you aren't lying to people about what you are doing, and they aren't being taken advantage of.

 

I don't think that would work for her, being as she doesn't even want the guy she is dating to have female FRIENDS.

[TigerLilly78]

And this is why most relationships don't work now a days cause everyone thinks "there's always something better" Or "there's plenty of fish in the sea" soon as there is any turmoil in a relationship. I agree OP seek therapy and I hope the guys you string along catch on and dump you would be the best thing that could happen..

[pteromom]

Ignore my last post - wrong poster.

[rewl]

This might seem like an unconventional answer, but you seem very entitled and lack discipline. The main problem is your boyfriend and your ex-boyfriends' behaviour, they are feeding your personality rather than setting you straight. Any guy who dates a girl that runs back to her insecure exes at first opportunity deserves to be treated like this. It's up to the guys to get rid of you. Then you would definitely be single whether you like it or not.

[SammySammy]

Unrealistic expectations.

 

There's no such thing as a perfect person or even a person that is perfect for you.

 

There's no such thing as a relationship that is always good. All relationships have their ups and downs. If these natural ups and downs or indications that a person doesn't match the "perfect" fantasies in your head are excuses to look for somebody else, then you may as well not get into committed relationships. They will always disappoint you and you'll always be searching for something that doesn't exist - that new "perfect" person or relationship.

[Diezel]

The Branch Swinger Prototype here.

I can only imagine the path of destruction you've left behind has to be atrocious.

 

Go back to your ex... and then you'll realize he isn't perfect and you move on to the next one.

 

Here's a suggestion: Why don't you just challenge yourself and stay SINGLE for a year or so?

 

It seems like you have 0 idea of who you really are and ALL that you are in your life is men and the way you can string them along. You better course correct and soon... or else one day you'll be one of those older women I used to serve at a bar asking me, "Where are all the good men? I never found one, they must not exist." without truly realizing how many of them you laid to waste on your perpetual search of the "perfect one".

[changchewsoon]

I think the thread owner has gone MIA.

[Lullaby_10]

Thank you for all the responses, everyone.

 

I know this is absolutely destructive behavior, and I do want to get rid of it. But part of that means for me to identify what exactly is wrong with me, and why I am behaving the way I am.

 

I'm still a student, and therapy is something I cannot currently afford. I was hoping to find a way in which I could perhaps learn to deal with and minimize this sort of behavior on my own.

 

First of all, there is nothing necessarily wrong in theory. Being with someone is something which is most likely really important to you. You want and deserve someone who is extraordinary. It does not sound as if you are maliciously going out and meeting men just to leave them. You are constantly changing because of being so young. Plus, the guys you end up getting with end up not really right for you. So, your intentions of wanting to be as happy as possible are totally good in theory.

 

 

I agree. Part of this does have to do with me not wanting to be alone - but I think that is because I DO want validation from a man, and feel good about myself. So I'm not sure if my intentions are good in theory. Perhaps this could have to do with my age, but I'm worried I'll miss chances with GREAT men due to my current behavior, and regret it when I'm older and apparently more 'mature.'

 

I do expect perfection from men though. If not perfection, I want the men I date to mirror my thoughts, beliefs, opinions and desires. I feel like every time I discover a man who is more closer to my ideal than the previous one, I run to him... only to discover that he ISN'T perfect either.

[Lullaby_10]

I know it is not easy for you to post this, but it is a good start because you recognized it and you are reaching out for help.

 

Do you feel very insecure of yourself? Where you have the need to be constantly validated of your self worth?

 

Because the moment you face any issues in your current relationship, you'd resort to running back to familiar grounds and subconsciously line up another guy as a backup in case this relationship doesn't work out. That screams insecurity to me.

 

Well, you do know that there will always be a better person out there in this world? Perhaps you might want to learn to be contented with what you have? You do know it will be a never ending chase for a better person.

 

You cannot and I repeat cannot depend on another person to stop your behaviour. Only you yourself can, and you should consider seeking help from a therapist.

 

I am insecure. I remember my FIRST 'relationship' was with a man I met online. I was around 14-15 years old at the time. I didn't even meet the man in real life, but I prolonged an 'online' relationship for 3 years (so from when I was 14-17) This man was a complete pedophile, and he made me so uncomfortable. 90% of his conversations with me were about sex - I was innocent, and he exploited me. But at that time, I thought THAT was love. Since I ended that relationship or whatever it was, I have just been jumping from one guy to another. Destroying one after another. Using them to feel emotionally validated, and then jumping to the next after I've emotionally drained the previous one.

 

I am trying to be happy with my current boyfriend, I really am. But at the same time, I have SUCH a weird mindset with him. I'm just using him until I feel like I'll find someone better. I make empty promises, I tell him I love him (I don't), I lie to him compulsively. He's madly in love with me, and wants to marry me, but I'm just waiting to find someone else... and if I don't, it'll be convenient for me to stay with this guy who is already madly in love with me.

[Lullaby_10]

Unrealistic expectations.

 

There's no such thing as a perfect person or even a person that is perfect for you.

 

There's no such thing as a relationship that is always good. All relationships have their ups and downs. If these natural ups and downs or indications that a person doesn't match the "perfect" fantasies in your head are excuses to look for somebody else, then you may as well not get into committed relationships. They will always disappoint you and you'll always be searching for something that doesn't exist - that new "perfect" person or relationship.

 

But then how do I know if I'm settling for less or not? How will I ever FEEL that the relationship I'm in is THE right one?

[JS84]

See a therapist. If you don't figure out what your problem is you're never going to have healthy relationships.

[mickleb]

 

I know this is absolutely destructive behavior, and I do want to get rid of it. But part of that means for me to identify what exactly is wrong with me, and why I am behaving the way I am.

 

I'm still a student, and therapy is something I cannot currently afford. I was hoping to find a way in which I could perhaps learn to deal with and minimize this sort of behavior on my own.

 

 

I'm glad you realise that this is destructive behaviour.

 

Essentially, what others have said is correct: you have low self-esteem so crave validation from men. I found your explanation of your online relationship interesting as I thought it was significant that you are keeping these orbiters by using sex. I think this is where this quest for this unrealistic partner is coming from. You have been 'used' for your sexuality and continue to use this to get attention. You feel the perfect guy would mirror you and see everything you are. You feel you deserve this and don't deserve to be treated as, merely, a sex toy. Of course you are right that you deserve more than to be toyed with. And I think you begin to disrespect the guys you lured in with sex, as this response reminds you of the online creep.

 

So, you need to stop relying on sex to get a guy. You need to stop blaming guys for finding you sexually attractive - once you've fully dealt with this issue, you'll embrace your sexuality again fully and find it fulfilling. You need to stop lying to guys because, on the one hand, you don't respect them and, on the other, you're terrified of losing their attention. And you need to feel confident about what you have to offer men, other than sex.

 

I suggest you end your relationship(s) - if you can, do this honestly and let them know why (if not, just make sure you end them) - and take some time out of dating to learn about yourself. Write down everything that makes you you. What skills/talents do you have? What do you like? What qualities do you possess? Once you feel more sure about the person that exists beyond this all this current drama, take time to really nurture that person. Practise the things about yourself that you enjoy and that make you proud. Build up your portfolio, if you like, of you. Essentially, make an effort...*cheese alert!*... to fall in love with yourself. Because that age-old adage is true about not being able to love someone else unless you do.

 

Once you feel proud of who you are (completely separately to this lying, manipulative, easy character you're currently living through) you'll begin to understand that you don't need the 'perfect guy'. It's true that he doesn't exist. But the fact is, that doesn't matter when you love yourself and that 'self-love' enables you to live a fulfilling life, by yourself. Once you're there, you'll meet guys who compliment your life, not guys you hope will compensate for it. You'll pick the best one of the bunch, eventually, and he'll choose you: Who you really are, not the liar you present.

 

It won't be easy. It won't happen tomorrow. You won't just pick the right guy, first time. You'll probably try a few relationships that turn out not to be a great fit. You'll find making a list of the brilliant things about you trite. You'll find some things you do, in an effort to improve your life, great and others, dull. You'll be tempted to try out your old ways of behaving because you still crave male attention, from time to time. But that will all be because you choose to. You can control your life. You have that ability and that right. You are currently denying the men you are with that right, though, by lying to them. Stop lying to them, and to yourself, and become a real person.

 

You can do it if you want to, and you are brave to post honestly here, so I think you do want to.

 

Good luck. We'll be here to help you when it gets dull or difficult. (Personally, I'm excited for you.)