Shimi Posted July 19, 2014 Share Posted July 19, 2014 Since you're a student, you probably have access to free counselling services, or at the very least, access to counselling at a heavy discount. Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted July 19, 2014 Share Posted July 19, 2014 This might seem like an unconventional answer, but you seem very entitled and lack discipline. The main problem is your boyfriend and your ex-boyfriends' behaviour, they are feeding your personality rather than setting you straight. Any guy who dates a girl that runs back to her insecure exes at first opportunity deserves to be treated like this. It's up to the guys to get rid of you. Then you would definitely be single whether you like it or not. I think girls of her type also attract the guys she needs. Or do you really think an attentive guy with self-respect wouldn't dump her straight away? No offense but the world's full of broken chicks and just as many broken guys who seem to have problems but often don't even approach them. Actually it's far easier to get that type than the stable kind nowadays... Link to post Share on other sites
SmartDude Posted July 19, 2014 Share Posted July 19, 2014 Counseling is not a cure all. That is essentially putting your self-development in the hands of a "professional". You can be your own counselor if you listen deeply enough to your own soul. If you don't correct this soon you might just receive the "perfect lesson". Some one will dump you because they are looking for something better. Then you will understand and it will all make sense. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted July 20, 2014 Share Posted July 20, 2014 You can be your own counselor... Bzzzzzt- wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
notserene Posted July 20, 2014 Share Posted July 20, 2014 As someone else posted, you have a real problem with needing external validation from men, and if you do not figure it out you will have a real problem in all of your future relationships that may cause you a lot of grief. And if you have children it will be a real mess. I hope you can afford to get some therapy or beware for any man who gets involved with you. My guess is you are constantly flirting and putting out all sorts of signs to men that enables you to have this constant stream of attention. Wanting to be attractive to the opposite sex is normal, but you can't ever seem to get enough. I hope you figure it out for your long term benefit At your age it's fine to be playing the field, but you shouldn't constantly be looking over a Guy's shoulder for the "next" one. You need to figure out why you are never satisfied because it's YOUR problem and not something inadequate about your boyfriends. You should get professional help although I'm skeptical about how well it's going to work as I suspect you have a personality disorder. I can see your future and I would advise you to stay out of "exclusive" relationships until you get yourself sorted out. Link to post Share on other sites
Trane Posted July 20, 2014 Share Posted July 20, 2014 Listen. You are 23. Young, raging hormones, and experimenting with sex without putting it altogether emotionally. Mistakes will happen on your journey and you are at an age where many are still discovering themselves sexually too. Never mind about what did and didn't happen in highschool or college. Understand that it can be an amazing experience to be exclusive to one person and share intimacies you don't get from quick flings or ONSs. You don't always need to look for something better when you already have something really good. Why ruin it by starting over with someone new when you haven't given your honest everything to the first person. Good relationships always require time, effort and two brains working together. Enjoy yourself but try not to hurt too many guys on the way. Hopefully you won't have to discover this in reverse because it won't be pretty when the guy you're with leaves you for someone better. Link to post Share on other sites
Justanaverageguy Posted July 20, 2014 Share Posted July 20, 2014 This might seem like an unconventional answer, but you seem very entitled and lack discipline. The main problem is your boyfriend and your ex-boyfriends' behaviour, they are feeding your personality rather than setting you straight. Any guy who dates a girl that runs back to her insecure exes at first opportunity deserves to be treated like this. It's up to the guys to get rid of you. Then you would definitely be single whether you like it or not. Personally I think most serial cheaters suffer from some degree of Narcissism. Essentially thinking they are better then others, having over stated sense of self entitlement, requiring excessive need for admiration and affirmation and normally a lack of empathy for the people the partners they are using and abusing. I'm no shrink but reading the authors comments in this thread is almost like a 101 of Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) symptoms. My advice if you can't afford therapy right now .... at least try taking the basic online Narcissism quiz and answering it honestly and seeing what the result is. Narcissistic Personality Inventory - Psych Central . Been interested to see what results you get. The causes of narcissistic personality disorder are many and varied only a professional could accurately try and diagnose whether you have it and the cause. All I will say is quite often those with these disorders had issues during childhood that caused them "narcissistic injury" and trigger this type of destructive behaviour in later life. Sometimes the person involved is either grossly over or under appreciated by parents ... perhaps you even suffered a great loss from someone close to you who was your "narcissist supplier" at a young age. (A mother or father who spoiled you and then passed away or maybe got divorced .... something like that). Only guessing from my side .... but I really hope having acknowledged the issue you have you do seek professional help. Admitting the problem and being open and honest is the hardest part. Spend the money on therapy it will pay for itself 10 times over during your life. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
jay1983 Posted July 20, 2014 Share Posted July 20, 2014 A large percentage of women are like this, it's just that very few are honest about. I wish the media would spread more awareness of this type of behavior and how common it actually is. I would give the OP advice, but I think everybody's said enough. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lullaby_10 Posted July 21, 2014 Author Share Posted July 21, 2014 I'm glad you realise that this is destructive behaviour. Essentially, what others have said is correct: you have low self-esteem so crave validation from men. I found your explanation of your online relationship interesting as I thought it was significant that you are keeping these orbiters by using sex. I think this is where this quest for this unrealistic partner is coming from. You have been 'used' for your sexuality and continue to use this to get attention. You feel the perfect guy would mirror you and see everything you are. You feel you deserve this and don't deserve to be treated as, merely, a sex toy. Of course you are right that you deserve more than to be toyed with. And I think you begin to disrespect the guys you lured in with sex, as this response reminds you of the online creep. So, you need to stop relying on sex to get a guy. You need to stop blaming guys for finding you sexually attractive - once you've fully dealt with this issue, you'll embrace your sexuality again fully and find it fulfilling. You need to stop lying to guys because, on the one hand, you don't respect them and, on the other, you're terrified of losing their attention. And you need to feel confident about what you have to offer men, other than sex. I suggest you end your relationship(s) - if you can, do this honestly and let them know why (if not, just make sure you end them) - and take some time out of dating to learn about yourself. Write down everything that makes you you. What skills/talents do you have? What do you like? What qualities do you possess? Once you feel more sure about the person that exists beyond this all this current drama, take time to really nurture that person. Practise the things about yourself that you enjoy and that make you proud. Build up your portfolio, if you like, of you. Essentially, make an effort...*cheese alert!*... to fall in love with yourself. Because that age-old adage is true about not being able to love someone else unless you do. Once you feel proud of who you are (completely separately to this lying, manipulative, easy character you're currently living through) you'll begin to understand that you don't need the 'perfect guy'. It's true that he doesn't exist. But the fact is, that doesn't matter when you love yourself and that 'self-love' enables you to live a fulfilling life, by yourself. Once you're there, you'll meet guys who compliment your life, not guys you hope will compensate for it. You'll pick the best one of the bunch, eventually, and he'll choose you: Who you really are, not the liar you present. It won't be easy. It won't happen tomorrow. You won't just pick the right guy, first time. You'll probably try a few relationships that turn out not to be a great fit. You'll find making a list of the brilliant things about you trite. You'll find some things you do, in an effort to improve your life, great and others, dull. You'll be tempted to try out your old ways of behaving because you still crave male attention, from time to time. But that will all be because you choose to. You can control your life. You have that ability and that right. You are currently denying the men you are with that right, though, by lying to them. Stop lying to them, and to yourself, and become a real person. You can do it if you want to, and you are brave to post honestly here, so I think you do want to. Good luck. We'll be here to help you when it gets dull or difficult. (Personally, I'm excited for you.) This was SUCH a helpful post! You put a lot of things in perspective! Thank you so much for making the effort to explain all of this to me. I do agree that I don't respect guys at all, but at the same time I do crave their attention - and feel like I can't live without it. I really don't know how I'm going to end my current relationship(s) because I don't remember ever being alone before the online incident. The thought of being alone really, really, scares me. The only time I DO have the courage to end a relationship is when I know that someone else is already waiting for me to get together with them. I don't know, but I feel like I get some satisfaction out of putting guys through pain and suffering. It makes me feel good about myself. I feel like I have a sense of authority and power when these guys fall madly in love with me, and I use their vulnerability to walk all over them. It's really weird. I enjoy doing it, but I definitely start to feel very crappy down the road when I'm with someone else. I'm going to try to be single but I don't know how successful I'll be, I'm too damaged to be alone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lullaby_10 Posted July 21, 2014 Author Share Posted July 21, 2014 Listen. You are 23. Young, raging hormones, and experimenting with sex without putting it altogether emotionally. Mistakes will happen on your journey and you are at an age where many are still discovering themselves sexually too. Never mind about what did and didn't happen in highschool or college. Understand that it can be an amazing experience to be exclusive to one person and share intimacies you don't get from quick flings or ONSs. You don't always need to look for something better when you already have something really good. Why ruin it by starting over with someone new when you haven't given your honest everything to the first person. Good relationships always require time, effort and two brains working together. Enjoy yourself but try not to hurt too many guys on the way. Hopefully you won't have to discover this in reverse because it won't be pretty when the guy you're with leaves you for someone better. So is this behavior normal for a 23 year old? I sometimes do chalk up my behavior is immaturity... but it seems like I havn't matured AT ALL since I was 14-15 year old. I don't feel like I'm ever learning from my mistakes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lullaby_10 Posted July 21, 2014 Author Share Posted July 21, 2014 Personally I think most serial cheaters suffer from some degree of Narcissism. Essentially thinking they are better then others, having over stated sense of self entitlement, requiring excessive need for admiration and affirmation and normally a lack of empathy for the people the partners they are using and abusing. I'm no shrink but reading the authors comments in this thread is almost like a 101 of Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) symptoms. My advice if you can't afford therapy right now .... at least try taking the basic online Narcissism quiz and answering it honestly and seeing what the result is. Narcissistic Personality Inventory - Psych Central . Been interested to see what results you get. . I tried out the Narcissism quiz, and I scored 29. I am copying and pasting the results here... Your Total: 29 Between 12 and 15 is average. Celebrities often score closer to 18. Narcissists score over 20. Because you scored 18 or higher, you may want to check out the symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder. Here's how you rated on the seven component traits of narcissism: Narcissistic Trait Authority: 5.00 Self-Sufficiency: 3.00 Superiority: 3.00 Exhibitionism: 4.00 Exploitativeness: 5.00 Vanity: 3.00 Entitlement: 6.00 Authority Authority refers to a person's leadership skills and power. People who score higher on authority like to be in charge and gain power, often for power's sake alone. You scored particularly high in authority, suggesting you see yourself as a leader or as someone who values power. Self-Sufficiency This trait refers to how self-sufficient a person is, that is, how much you rely on others versus your own abilities to meet your needs in life. Superiority This trait refers to whether a person feels they are more superior than those around them. You scored particularly high in superiority, suggesting you feel you are superior to most others. Exhibitionism This trait refers to a person's need to be the center of attention, and willingness to ensure they are the center of attention (even at the expense of others' needs). You score particularly high in exhibitionism, suggesting you have a higher need than most to be the center of attention in any group or gathering. Exploitativeness This trait refers to how willing you are to exploit others in order to meet your own needs or goals. You scored particularly high in exploitativeness, suggesting you don't mind exploiting others in order to meet your own needs or goals. Vanity This trait refers to a person's vanity, or their belief in one's own superior abilities and attractiveness compared to others. You scored particularly high in vanity, suggesting you have a strong belief in your own abilities and attractiveness. Entitlement This trait refers to the expectation and amount of entitlement a person has in their lives, that is, unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with one's expectations. People who score higher on this trait generally have a greater expectation of entitlement, while those who score lower expect little from others or life. You scored particularly high on entitlement, suggesting that you may have a higher sense of entitlement than most people. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lullaby_10 Posted July 21, 2014 Author Share Posted July 21, 2014 But how can I be a narcissistic if I have low-self esteem, dislike my appearance, and don't believe I'm worthy of anything? Link to post Share on other sites
Shimi Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 (edited) In some people, narcissism is a compensatory mechanism for a profound lack of self-esteem. These things aren't necessarily mutually exclusive. The only "true" 100% narcissists - if there is such a thing - I would guess, are psychopaths. If you're really interested in unravelling the Gordian knot of your personality, I strongly suggest guidance from a mental health professional. It's a long(er) and hard(er) road otherwise, and you might get a lot of people hurt on the way. The test is kinda crap, but even the good ones are helpful only as a starting point anyway. Without follow-up, self-diagnosis is pretty useless. Edited July 21, 2014 by Shimi Link to post Share on other sites
KatZee Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 Your comment of, "I'm far too damaged to be alone" really bothered me. It is for this reason in itself that you NEED to stay single. You're damaged and you're just creating more damaged people due to your own issues. The world is full of enough garbage, we don't need to add to it. You are INTENTIONALLY hurting people because it makes you feel better. Please, PLEASE get help. I feel so sorry for you, and I feel sorry for anyone who has been, or who will get involved with you in the future. The fact that you enjoy hurting people is so disturbing I really don't even know what to say to that. It's almost as if you hate yourself so much that you want others to feel that way, and to feel horribly too just so you're not alone in your self loathing. There is no one here who can help you. You need a professional at this point. For the record, I scored a SIX on the narcissistic test. :/ 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Shimi Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 Hey I scored a six too! Let's be best friends and talk about how insecure we are! Sorry, off-topic. On topic: crappy test. Don't read too much into it. Binary answers straddling two extremes, from "relatively self-aware" to "psychopath". Not a very nuanced diagnostic tool. But then the OP doesn't really need an online test to come to the conclusion that she needs help. Link to post Share on other sites
KatZee Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 Hey I scored a six too! Let's be best friends and talk about how insecure we are! Sorry, off-topic. On topic: crappy test. Don't read too much into it. Binary answers straddling two extremes, from "relatively self-aware" to "psychopath". Not a very nuanced diagnostic tool. But then the OP doesn't really need an online test to come to the conclusion that she needs help. I am not insecure at all lmao. I think a six is a great thing. I was actually scared I'd get a high number. Phew for these internet quizzes! Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 Just think about the fact that you are indirectly hurting women as well because one of these guys might take it out on a completely innocent woman and the sad and sick cycle that is modern day relationships will continue. If you can't stick to one guy just play the field honestly. Link to post Share on other sites
Justanaverageguy Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 Yeah I agree that the online test was a crappy idea. My bad. I did say she should seek professional help which I still stand by and just to use that as a starting point - Some of the quotes in this thread are just making my head spin. Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 Have you ever let someone in? Ever? Link to post Share on other sites
TheWalkingDead Posted July 26, 2014 Share Posted July 26, 2014 Because of a serial cheater, my new home is in a hopelessly black, impossible to survive universe. I will never get better, never get out, and never trust anyone again. I HATE myself, think I'm completely unlovable, am triggered dozens of times every single day, and wonder each day, fair at least a few minutes, what there is to live for. If you don't enjoy the idea of doing that to someone, then don't be a cheater. Get in therapy and work out your own stuff so you don't make other people have to live what I have to live every single day for the next however long. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted July 26, 2014 Share Posted July 26, 2014 Why don't you seek polygamic relationships? That way you'll get the attention you need. Link to post Share on other sites
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