newdaynewstart Posted February 22, 2005 Share Posted February 22, 2005 What an emotional day! I just need some advice and support! After a long weekend of some soul searching I decided today that I was going to put an end to things with my MM. MM and I email all day at work. So this morning I emailed him and told him that I think that we need to be friends and that I can not handle this situation in my life anymore. I told him that I did not know if we would be better off talking as friends or not at all. He asked me what having no contact was going to accomplish? Here is my dilemma...I have come to the conclusion that I do not want to be the "other girl" in his life...that it just hurts too much and it is not worth me destroying my life nor his life. So...he plays mr. tough at first. He tells me that he wants to do whatever is going to be easier for me because he hates hurting me! I basically tell him that it was never my intention to ruin his marriage nor his life. That I am hurt by all of this but maybe it is my kick in the ass to get out of it all. I wish him the best of luck and tell him that I will miss him. So...he emails back that he hates hurting me and that he will miss me more than I can imagine! That if he was in easier circumstances that he would be with me in a second. So then a little while later...he emails me that is his sick to his stomach...that he feels like he just broke up and lost his best friend. That is when I start CRYING. So here is my question??? I have never tried this so I do not know. All I know is that we have had a very good friendship for a very long time. There have been times that I have been able to put the "feelings" that I have behind and I can strictly be his friend. He asked me if would could continue to email and be friends. I told him that there were going to be no calls, no texts, no seeing each other...that as long as we have it clear where we stand we can email as friends. I know that it is not right for me to be his OW anymore but is it possible for me to be his friend? I think the hardest part for me to accept was no more seeing each other...no more of this secret affair...but at the same time it is a relief! I do not want to lose my friendship with him? I am open to looking for the "man" that is going to give me exactly what I want. I know that my MM can not give me that...but does that mean that I can not have him as my friend? Advice???? Link to post Share on other sites
d'Arthez Posted February 22, 2005 Share Posted February 22, 2005 You can't be friends. Especially not if you had an affair. He is in lust with the benefits you gave him. He is the married person who decided to cheat. Therefore he will prefer having any role in your life, over no role in your life. How small and innocent it may seem. He knows which buttons he needs to push, to get the benefits he had. So if you want to end this affair, it is important to cut all ties, and bring back the professional contact to the absolute minimum, zero if possible. He is playing games with you, to get some sympathy (and some action in the future) from you. Don't give in to him. He is playing you. First Mr. Tough, and then Mr. Hurt. If Mr. Hurt was not succesful you might have met another Mr. Emotional Blackmail. He has not lost his best friend. Why should he have tried to have sex with his best friend if he is married? And if you were a friend, why should not he have told his wife? Secrecy and control is what affairs thrive on. If he wants to marry his so called best friend that is fine. How much do these words mean to you, if he cheated on his wife with his 'best friend.' Sounds like someone who is still thinking too much with his genitals. But wait till you have seen the divorce papers before even considering a relationship with him. I basically tell him that it was never my intention to ruin his marriage nor his life. That I am hurt by all of this but maybe it is my kick in the ass to get out of it all. I wish him the best of luck and tell him that I will miss him. So...he emails back that he hates hurting me and that he will miss me more than I can imagine! That if he was in easier circumstances that he would be with me in a second. Don't blame everything on yourself. You did not take the marriage vows. He did. He is just as much responsible for the damage as you are. Divorcing is easy nowadays. For whatever reasons he prefers to stay in his marriage. Otherwise he would have presented you the divorcepapers. He has not. Right now you probably are in a very low and susceptible state. He will pull every trick in the book, to make you stay in the affair. Friendship will fail, because he will try to pull you back in. He had you for the benefits, and he wants you to keep there. Move on, and find the strength and resolve not to be lured back. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted February 22, 2005 Share Posted February 22, 2005 As long as there are unresolved romantic feelings/intent there can not be any semblance of a genuine friendship. What you will have is something calling itself 'friendship', but what it will be is 'spending time with a person you love but can't truly have under the current circumstances'. You'll have to ask yourself what the intent is: would you two have such a close friendship were you never involved to begin with? Would you two seek out each other's company and companionship were there never, ever any romantic intent? Is it really 'friendship' he wants, or is it what you and he are settling for because it can't be the romantic relationship that you both want? Think about it, before you put your heart through the daily agony of "friendship". You can bet he wants to keep you around. He wants to keep you under whichever circumstances that will cause the least interference with his home life. I have no doubt in my mind, that were you to start seeing a man seriously, that you'd see a marked difference in this 'friendship'. You can be friendly, but I would think carefully before committing to 'friends'. Link to post Share on other sites
I Survived Posted February 22, 2005 Share Posted February 22, 2005 Tell Mr. Hot Britches that you'd love to be his friend and that you'd like to meet his wife. Then you can tell him "don't say anything to me that you wouldn't say in front of her". That should cool him down a bit. What a player! Link to post Share on other sites
Sugaree Posted February 22, 2005 Share Posted February 22, 2005 A"friendship" as you describe it is merely the continuation of the affair by other means. If you want to continue the romance, be my guest. If the affair is over, cut him out of your life. In this context, any "friendship" would simply make the affair that mush easier to jump start. Link to post Share on other sites
aloneinTX Posted February 22, 2005 Share Posted February 22, 2005 When it's over it's over. Leave well enough alone without holding onto a "friendship". Link to post Share on other sites
izzybelle Posted February 22, 2005 Share Posted February 22, 2005 yes it's possible. been there, done that, and still friends over a year later. Link to post Share on other sites
Quilly Posted February 22, 2005 Share Posted February 22, 2005 I've been trying for five months to be friends with MM... it hasn't worked for me. Every day that I talk to him is just another day that I continue to hurt and miss what I can't have with him. It doesn't seem to matter how miserable I am, I still can't make myself give him up. Being friends is just an excuse to prolong the inevitable. If you're strong enough to end all contact with him, then you should do it. You can always be friends again later once you've truly moved on from him. Link to post Share on other sites
Leaf Posted February 22, 2005 Share Posted February 22, 2005 I suppose its possible... but I couldnt do it. It would just be a continuation of love and support on my part. On his part, it would be the same... couldnt talk to me very much on the weekends, can't call between 5-8pm cuz she is home.. what I am saying is that it would be the same bullsh*t I get now but with out the romance. No thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
Sharmaine Posted February 24, 2005 Share Posted February 24, 2005 IMO, if you were 'that' serious about breaking up, you wouldn't want to be his friend. You'd cut ties and move on!! It's impossible for you to remain friends in a situation like this, ie: fresh from a breakup, the temptation is still there to fall back into old ways........but I think you and he both know that, nobody can be that stupid! I'm 'just friends' with a MM, with whom I once had a long relationship (9 years) and before he married!! He recently got back in touch with me after 10 years, yeah he's married, but we are 'friends' and nothing more and the temptation isn't there to be anything other than friends! Leave it ten years, then if you want to be his friend/he wants to be yours, then consider a friendship!! Link to post Share on other sites
CaughtUp Posted February 24, 2005 Share Posted February 24, 2005 But that depends on you. If you really care for this man and he has done nothing to truly hurt you because admit it once you made the decision to stay after you knew he was married you are responsible for yourself and your decisions correct? I'm an OW so I know where you are coming from. If he really needed you would you be there? If his dog died could you comfort him? If, god forbid, one of his family members got really ill or passed away could you comfort him and help him through? If you say yes isn't that a friend? Do you require him to be romantic with you to be there for him? If you say no isn't that a friend? Can you stand YOUR ground and say look I'm here for you to listen and be a shoulder but that is as far as it can go and deal with his pleas for more and still be there? if you say yes then yes you can be his friend. You are a strong person to be the OW no matter what people say we aren't evil we may be wrong, but what person can say they haven't done something wrong? Link to post Share on other sites
sylviaguardian Posted February 24, 2005 Share Posted February 24, 2005 Originally posted by newdaynewstart I am open to looking for the "man" that is going to give me exactly what I want. I know that my MM can not give me that...but does that mean that I can not have him as my friend? Advice???? If you stay friends with this man you will never be 'open to looking for the man who is going to give you exactly what you want'. You will forever be in the shadows, living a half life. Syl Link to post Share on other sites
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