Can you share you're epiphany?

[ChasingHope]

I'm reading all of the signs each of you had. Maybe it is still too soon after ending my A but, other than the fact that our choices were wrong, I do think my XMM is a good person who is trapped in a bad marriage. We're both liars.

 

I don't think MM is a bad person. We both made poor choices and mistakes.

[Sarabi]

Morning

Well my epiphany if you can call it that came a few weeks ago...

We have been NC from last year (can't remember when, June-ish time) and technically still are but I had a disaster with my phone and had to put my SIM back in my retro non-smartphone. ANYWAY...for some silly reason because that phone is full of old ghost numbers, I dialled him without being aware and later he called me back. We spoke briefly (told me some tragic news which I was truly sorry to hear) and he texted afterwards.

Long story short, some nonsense about how the past year without me has been hell (meh...what the f**k ever ) and he wants us to be friends and I have to tell him I accept wanting a friendship so that he can be "truly happy this evening"

 

Jeez I think in that moment I realised I CAN NEVER make him happy...and I am pretty sure his wife can never either if he is relying on one or the other of us to be the source of his happiness.

And for that I do not feel guilty... I do not need the responsibility of bringing happiness to this deadweight, man-shaped thing as a millstone round my neck. Neither does his wife but...I am not sure how she copes with that

 

P.S. I declined the offer of a so called "friendship". I do not need "friends" who I need to be mindful of what I say to them in case they erupt and send harsh, vile, hurtful texts. I also do not need "friends" who need to be ashamed of being my friend or need to sneak around to do it. And I do not need "friends" who most likely need to compromise their relationship with their significant other to be a friend of mine.

[thecharade]

My moment was so simple, so real.

 

I always thought we felt the same, wanted the same. It seemed that we did. I kept feeling like our situation was so horrible and unfair and that we needed to correct it and right the ship. But, he just didn't seem nearly as . . . unhappy. And then one day he said, "Well, yes, this is awful. But it's the best we can do under the circumstances." I replied, "Well, no. We need to bring this into the light of day and leave our spouses, be with each other." He said, so oddly to me, "Oh, no. That would be much worse. That would ruin people's lives." A ton of bricks rained down upon my head. To him, an affair was better than leaving a spouse (the family). To me, getting honest was better than living a lie. Mars/Venus. Then and there. I understood males and females so, so much better then.

 

We were never on the same page. To a man, the affair IS the solution. To the woman, the affair is an ugly, unfortunate situation that will be righted and fixed and legitimized. It feels temporary and uncomfortable, but to the unhappy male, it is joy!

 

Ick.

Done.

Goodbye, MM.

I really had no idea.

I am SO much wiser now.

Is this the case for most MM? Almost universally.

 

Women foolishly think that men value passion and romance like they do. A little, but they REALLY value accomplishment. There is pride there. Even without passion, they love their accomplishments. And the affair is BETTER than jeopardizing all they have done--family, friends, career. Period. Men do not love in the same way we love.

Edited August 6, 2014 by thecharade

[Back2WhatUKnow]

I believe what my epiphany. Was so many years and 8 months ago being told "I am getting the D" then after being told he was going on another family trip with her and the kids for a couple weeks. Like he has done the past 6 years. I spoke up. I said if you do this. I want my key and you to leave me be. He tried to coddle me the week the vacation was coming up. Being attentive. Then the night before I had seen the rent a car website he was looking at for their trip. I snapped. I said so how is the D you said you were getting 8 months ago. He stuttered and said well we fought over it and didn't bring it up. I said are you going on that trip with her. He said..yes i cant hurt my kids. I said yet you can hurt me everyday, all these years. I packed his stuff threw it out. Got my key back. Called him a liar. Deleted his phone number. Sure he is on his trip now. Sure i will be stalked to him trying to come back when he is done. But forever I will remember. Seeing that rent a car website and realizing my place. I know funny but it was a light. It'll be so nice to find someone in the future and not hide things and go on vacations and be truely happy.

[Pinklotus]

Many epiphanies which I chose to overlook...the first one being that having known him for 15 years and knowing his ex wife, that he was already a serial cheater.

 

Second one was when a rumor went around about him and another woman. He denied it, I gave him benefit of doubt.

 

Third, when he made the same promise and broke it again for the umpteenth time, realizing that it's all a line of b.s.

 

Finally, and this was the last straw, when he went MIA for four days without a word or explanation afterwards.

 

There is no end to my embarrassment and shame in admitting this here, but it's good for me.

 

Oh, and one other thing that should have sent me missing for good: he shows up at a party with his wife and comes over to talk to me and rub my shoulder in front of her. The rest of the time he is Mr. Perfect Husband all night. That was icky. And then he texts me that night to apologize that he couldn't get together with me as planned because she was there. All the while acting the part of the attentive husband. Makes a plan to see me the next night and breaks that as well.

 

I just thank god I didn't sleep with him, and I guess that's all I can say to make myself feel better and salvage some shred of dignity here.

[LovelySweet]

While there have been many looking back, the one that takes the cake is the other night I was trying to explain my feelings and understand his, when he stopped me, and asked unabashed, "Would you ever have a threesome with me," !!! The fact I had to scrape my self worth off the cement is a short description. I have been in so much pain in my life and so numb that it is all the same, it just meshes as one. This may prove to be good. All I can do is go up, as being on the bottom of the barrel. This is good and will be breathtaking as I start moving on up.

[Majormisstep]

My moment was so simple, so real.

 

I always thought we felt the same, wanted the same. It seemed that we did. I kept feeling like our situation was so horrible and unfair and that we needed to correct it and right the ship. But, he just didn't seem nearly as . . . unhappy. And then one day he said, "Well, yes, this is awful. But it's the best we can do under the circumstances." I replied, "Well, no. We need to bring this into the light of day and leave our spouses, be with each other." He said, so oddly to me, "Oh, no. That would be much worse. That would ruin people's lives." A ton of bricks rained down upon my head. To him, an affair was better than leaving a spouse (the family). To me, getting honest was better than living a lie. Mars/Venus. Then and there. I understood males and females so, so much better then.

 

We were never on the same page. To a man, the affair IS the solution. To the woman, the affair is an ugly, unfortunate situation that will be righted and fixed and legitimized. It feels temporary and uncomfortable, but to the unhappy male, it is joy!

 

Ick.

Done.

Goodbye, MM.

I really had no idea.

I am SO much wiser now.

Is this the case for most MM? Almost universally.

 

Women foolishly think that men value passion and romance like they do. A little, but they REALLY value accomplishment. There is pride there. Even without passion, they love their accomplishments. And the affair is BETTER than jeopardizing all they have done--family, friends, career. Period. Men do not love in the same way we love.

 

Brilliant. Charade, your post alone is an epiphany. Wow.

[LovelySweet]

Brilliant. Charade, your post alone is an epiphany. Wow.

 

She blue printed the MM in my life. This is exactly how he thinks.

[OWAmy]

Here, here Charade!

 

Especially loved the bit where you say the affair IS the solution to the MM.

 

I've been NC with MM for two months. So nice to have left the 'problem' behind. Guess he's going to have to find another solution now. And the best part of it is, I can genuinely say I don't care any more. No hate. No love. I'm reaching feelings of indifference towards him.

 

Wish I could change my name to fOWAmy!

[Poppy47]

Hi Hope.

 

My epiphany was a few months ago. Things with MM were going very badly.

I sat at the computer to write him about the way I was feeling.

 

It struck me at that moment.... whatever I said or did was not going to change anything in any way. If I stayed where I was, life would be a procession of disappointments and upheavals. It was that moment I decided to end the A forever.

Poppy