ex coming from an abusive family

[born]

My first girlfriend came from an abusive family... they would hit her , lock her in house , they were very controlling . I loved her with all my heart but after she left the country to study abroad she dumped me after 2 weaks long distance ...we were together 1,5 year and tryed to hurt me on purpose . She became from the best girl in the world to the worst one . She was emotionaly abusing me for 10 months by sending fotos of guys etc...untill i had enough ... will she ever become again the girl i loved? Do you think people who come from abusive families are damaged and will try to hurt you?

[M30USA]

My first girlfriend came from an abusive family... they would hit her , lock her in house , they were very controlling . I loved her with all my heart but after she left the country to study abroad she dumped me after 2 weaks long distance ...we were together 1,5 year and tryed to hurt me on purpose . She became from the best girl in the world to the worst one . She was emotionaly abusing me for 10 months by sending fotos of guys etc...untill i had enough ... will she ever become again the girl i loved? Do you think people who come from abusive families are damaged and will try to hurt you?

 

I think it's well known that abused people abuse other people. I believe the same applies to neglected people and even spoiled people.

[chelsea2011]

It all depends on her core meaning who she truly is on the inside. Some people can come out of situation like that and become the antithesis of that environment. And others don't have the strength or energy to fight it so they become "it." Everyone is different. That doesn't mean you have to "fix" them though. In the end you will find it was always up to them in the first place. It also doesn't mean that you can't still love them from a distance. You can detach with love and compassion and pray they will make choices that truly make them happy. You know...find their own personal peace.

 

I had a friend like you describe. To my face he was as sweet as pie and then would turn into a whole different person in in front of his friends online or in social gatherings. He tried to hide it, but I knew it was him. How? Because he would pick very personal aspects of my being that only he could possbly know about and would make fun of them or exploit them in front of his friends. It was a horrible twisted thing to do, but you know what? That's him and there ain't a thing I can do about it. We all have choices about how we act and it's on us. His choices are on him. It doesn't matter how he spins it, tries to manipulate it; in the end I knew it was him.

 

I often tried to understand it because I'm a compassionate person and cared about him, but for what? So he could do it somemore? No. I finally found the strength to detach with compassion and move on. It's hard untangling yourself from that kind of abuse. Especially when they learn your vulnerabilities and use them to manipulate you. But I did it and I'm not going back. Period.

 

It was an insidious relationship.

 

Definition:

 

In•sid•i•ous

1. intended to entrap or beguile: an insidious plan.

2. stealthily (which he admits) treacherous or deceitful: an insidious enemy.

3. operating or proceeding in an inconspicuous or seemingly harmless way but actually with grave effect: an insidious disease

 

I allowed it and take full responsibility for doing so. He was certainly good at it. That I won't deny. In the end, it was 1, 2 and 3 above. That is all it was.

 

Oh...and he probably planned my exit too. You can't be that obvious without being fully conscious of every single one of your actions. And I have no idea what his environment was like growwing up. It is quite possible that he was just spoiled and felt entitled to treat a person that way. Ya never know. Ya know?

Edited July 18, 2014 by chelsea2011

[spiderowl]

We learn how to treat others from how our family treats us. If her family was abusing her, then she probably won't know how to behave or falls into this kind of behaviour when feeling threatened in some way, whether emotionally or physically.

 

I think if you are waiting for her to return and be the loving girlfriend you'd like:

 

1) It might not happen if she met someone else anyway

2) Any abusive behaviour she exhibited is likely to recur unless she has some help. Even then, it's a lot of conditioning to overcome.

 

I think you'd be better off finding a less damaged person to love.

[todreaminblue]

you cant blame your actions on abuse fro tretign another person that way.....

 

hurt people hurt people i get it....well the whole world is hurt people......everyone who has ever loved has been hurt ....and a lot of people get abused all the time every second of the day....doesnt mean they cant love another......i was abused and i had a fifteen year relationship, i wasnt the oen to walk away ...i actually fought harder than he did which was the issue at hand....i fought for our love...he didnt, he chose to love others..... admittedly i have done therapy and quite a few other things to deal with what abuse i have been through by the hands and hearts of men.....but i can love just as deeply as the next person...and i didnt need therapy to tell me that......some people just suck at love....and it has nothing to do with abuse..

 

damaged people ......shouldnt be avoided or ignored or not given a chance because they have been abused.........the op gave her a chance and she blew it......doesnt mean it has to be about the abuse ...to not continue or to continue it shoudl be about love......not previous abuse...but maybe it is becaue i am damaged i see it this way....a different perspective.,......of maybe she didnt love him enough to continue the relationship.....than the former past of, because she was abused previously at some point in her life the relationship ended......deb