veryhappy Posted July 18, 2014 Share Posted July 18, 2014 What does it mean to you to be happily married? What does it mean to work on a relationship? How do you diagnose that a relationship is working or not especially after putting in the work? I find these expressions highly and easily overused and I have been always wondering: what do they exactly mean? Do they mean the same to everybody? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted July 18, 2014 Share Posted July 18, 2014 What does it mean to you to be happily married? Marriages are not always meant to be "happy" but I would says some basics 1) You have each others backs - that is you generally look out for each other, protect each other. 2) Your marriage and all that it represents is of utmost value and priority when ever possible. You work at it, treasure it, and do what you can for it when it needs you. 3) You enjoy pleasing your spouse and they you. This translates to sex, but many other things - going to events or activities that the other enjoys you might not. This negates the "I am not in the mood to" and takes a view of "this will bring my spouse joy or pleasure" 4) Shared values - all of the above - including money, raising kids, honesty. 5) That each of you has a value and a key role in the marriage. Your the cook - I am the handywoman, etc...and you respect those roles your spouse has and you work hard at your own roles for the marriage, home and kids. What does it mean to work on a relationship? To do what is needed, put in the effort, or compromise when needed on the things above - and when things look out of balance you put in the effort to get the marriage back on course - or have patience and perseverance to weather the down times. To love - to sacrifice and put the others needs and growth sometimes above your own. More later. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Snowflower Posted July 18, 2014 Share Posted July 18, 2014 What does it mean to you to be happily married? What does it mean to work on a relationship? How do you diagnose that a relationship is working or not especially after putting in the work? I find these expressions highly and easily overused and I have been always wondering: what do they exactly mean? Do they mean the same to everybody? You know these are really good questions. I agree that they are overused expressions and while they do mean different things to everybody, I think a lot of times they are rather cliched. I'd like to address the "work on a relationship" expression. I think a lot of married people give this statement lip service when their marriage is troubled. Sure, they might try for a couple of weeks but then they slip back into whatever old routine that wasn't working for them. Obviously it wasn't working because their marriage has devolved into something that isn't working for one or both spouses. My husband and I went through a long period of where one or both of us would be unhappy and we would talk and say to each other that "we would work on it." The problem was, we had absolutely no defined plan of what "working on it" would mean. It was just lip-service or an under-sized bandaid to our marital problems at that time. Link to post Share on other sites
irtech Posted July 19, 2014 Share Posted July 19, 2014 Quote: Originally Posted by cutedragon What does it mean to you to be happily married? Marriages are not always meant to be "happy" but I would says some basics 1) You have each others backs - that is you generally look out for each other, protect each other. 2) Your marriage and all that it represents is of utmost value and priority when ever possible. You work at it, treasure it, and do what you can for it when it needs you. 3) You enjoy pleasing your spouse and they you. This translates to sex, but many other things - going to events or activities that the other enjoys you might not. This negates the "I am not in the mood to" and takes a view of "this will bring my spouse joy or pleasure" 4) Shared values - all of the above - including money, raising kids, honesty. 5) That each of you has a value and a key role in the marriage. Your the cook - I am the handywoman, etc...and you respect those roles your spouse has and you work hard at your own roles for the marriage, home and kids. What does it mean to work on a relationship? To do what is needed, put in the effort, or compromise when needed on the things above - and when things look out of balance you put in the effort to get the marriage back on course - or have patience and perseverance to weather the down times. To love - to sacrifice and put the others needs and growth sometimes above your own. More later. Hi, that was interesting. I mean I also like to know the answer to OP question. Your view is interesting because when I posted my situation some while backLove or Dependence or both ,Most replies had asked ok you care about each other but where is love ? so when I read your answer I was looking for the word love but in the happily married section nearest thing that I found was "more later", so what actually love means is it sum of all that you said or something extra that is missed in your post ? especially I mean for marriages that are longer than 3 years, so probably there are not much flamming passions that exist in the beginning. Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted July 19, 2014 Share Posted July 19, 2014 (edited) Hi, that was interesting. I mean I also like to know the answer to OP question. Your view is interesting because when I posted my situation some while backLove or Dependence or both ,Most replies had asked ok you care about each other but where is love ? so when I read your answer I was looking for the word love but in the happily married section nearest thing that I found was "more later", so what actually love means is it sum of all that you said or something extra that is missed in your post ? especially I mean for marriages that are longer than 3 years, so probably there are not much flamming passions that exist in the beginning. The traits I listed about a happy marriage was "love". I believe love is not a feeling but an action, a commitment or will to grow the other person. After the initial infatuation feelings of love are over - the real work of love begins. Love is sacrifice and giving when you don't feel like it. More below - I tend to simplify "spiritual growth" to just "growth" in this authors work. The Road Less Traveled: LOVE, it?s not a ?feeling? | Radical Reading's The "more later" from my reply was how to answer the last question How do you diagnose that a relationship is working or not especially after putting in the work? This is harder for me to answer, and I needed time to think about it. Honestly I don't know. My marriage has really been tough, betrayals, issues with values, and low sex. I have put in so much work - years, therapy, and more, and we are still not there yet in that I don't think I am "loved" by my definition. Yet I continue to love by my definition. And there in lies the rub - my wife and I have very different definitions of love and I know both of us at times would think "you don't love me" of the other.... So I still have no answer for this last question other than - were still married. Edited July 19, 2014 by dichotomy Link to post Share on other sites
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