Does my situation sound optimistic for a second chance ?

[Urban Rubble01]

I posted this in the Coping forum but I thought I'd put it in here as well to get some more advice. If that's a problem for the moderators you can just delete this one.

 

Alright, I'm having a pretty rough day and I thought I'd write a post to get some opinions on my situation. I'll try to keep it somewhat short, if you need to know any details just ask.

 

This girl (Rochelle) and I have known each other since we were about 12 years old (we're both 22 now). Through school we ran with the same crowd and were pretty good friends. In high school we had a fairly obvious mutual crush, though she was a popular cheerleader and I was a dirty skater, nothing really came of it aside from a fairly strong friendship. At the end of her senior year (I had dropped out 2 years earlier) I showed up at the after party for her prom. Her date was a sleaze and she came to me for solace. That night we ended up sleeping together, 4 months later we were telling each other "I love you" and taking vacations together. We were together for 3.5 years after that night.

 

We've always had an exceptional relationship. Being (basically) best friends for years before this helped, but we're just very compatible. Our parents are constantly saying how mature we are in dealing with each other, our friends marvel at how little we fight. I truly feel that we were more stable than the majority of couples our age. We've had a few major fights but we've never considered being apart from each other. People like to say "she was my best friend", but many of them are exagerrating. Not me, she truly was my best friend.

 

As things progressed we went from jokingly talking about marriage to seriously discussing it. We both agreed that we aren't ready, we're too young and too unstable. However it was never doubted that we'd be married sometime in our mid 20's. Now, when I say this stuff I don't want it to be seen as the typical "Two young people in love day dreaming", we are rational people and these were more than casual conversations. We went as far as to seriously discuss whether or not we're going to adopt or conceive children, where we'll live, where we'll get married, serious ****.

 

We're from the same town but for most of our relationship she has lived about an hour away, she goes to University in the city. We've managed to make this work just fine, we saw each nearly every weekend. At first there were some worries on my part about her wanting to live the college life, her wanting to meet other people, things like that, but she always reassured me that I was all she wanted. So we've made it work just fine.

 

Back in September I could tell something was wrong. Nothing major, she wasn't being cold, we were still having great sex, but something was off. Eventually I told her to tell me what was going on. She started crying, she explained that she loves me and that she doesn't ever want to be without me, but at the same time she needs some space and some time to be alone. She said that we need to be apart for this schoolyear so she can focus on graduating and on work, we need "a break".

 

Now, as I've said, I pride myself on being fairly objective. I know that the situation of a girl this age saying she needs space is fairly standard language for a total breakup. I've told her at least 10 times "If you have ever cared about me you have to tell me the truth, do not tell me it'll work out with the intent of softening the blow, if you want to make it easier just tell me the truth". She insists that she loves me, that she wants to live her life with me and that this is only a break.

 

We've agreed that we should see each other every now and then. In the 5 months since we've broken up we've hung out 5 or 6 times. When we see each other everything is like normal. She is affectionate, we hold hands, we have (GREAT) sex, tell each other "I love you". We hung out on Valentine's Day and it was SO good. Again, totally affectionate. When we were talking about our plans for after school she uses terms like "Us" and "we", even going to the extent of asking where "we" should live and telling me that I've got to wait to leave until she graduates. That night we held each other, had sex for hours and generally just seemed like we were still in love.

 

I'm not sure what I'm asking with this post. I have never had a reason not to trust her, and everything she tells me is optimistic. But at the same time I've got to be prepared to lose her, I know that. I guess I just want some opinions on how to conduct myself. I have the urge to talk to her about "us", to ask her if she sees this ending after the schoolyear. But I don't want pressure her, I don't want her to dread talking to me for fear of having to talk about "us". I've done my best to give her space, I haven't done NC but I don't call very often, I even went 4 weeks once without calling. She sounds happy to hear from me when I call but when I ask why she doesn't inititate calls she says it's because she doesn't want to send mixed signals.

 

I know this post isn't making much sense and doesn't have much structure. I don't even really know what I'm asking. I guess I'm just looking for some general opinions. I don't know what to do, I don't know if I should talk to her about all this or just continue to do what I'm doing and hope she comes back. I know without a doubt that she loves me (she'd have to be completely insane and evil to purposely mess with me this much) but I just don't know what to do.

 

Again, sorry for how little sense this all makes. I'm unbelievably stressed and I can hardly type, much less convey what it is I'm actually trying to say. Any comments would be appreciated, and don't hesititate to ask me to clarify on any of this, there are a million details that I'm leacving out, my brain is just too much of a mess to sort them out.

[Broken3112]

I went out with my GF when she was 16, as soon as she hit 21 she did the same thing to me. I can only give you my own opinion. Maybe she needs to know for sure you are the one. You are so young. I know these are miserable words. I know what it feels like. Personally, i think if you found 'the one', i dont see the need to 'be sure', but I guess women are different.

 

Have faith in the fact that the both of you built up a strong base for your relationship. I think if anything, this is your glimmer of hope. Maybe right now she doesn't need a best friend, soulmate and life partner. Maybe she needs to date. I know, it hurts like hell. But your situation seems a lot better than mine. At least she told you she still loves you, I can only hope she means it - you know this girl better than anyone else, figure out if she still does.

 

A lot of people are going to tell you to go into no contact. I think it might be a good idea. Make her miss her best friend. BUT, read through all the posts, you have to balance it and apply it to your own situation. Like I said,you know this girl better than anyone else.

 

My ex cries when she sees me, tells her mom she thinks of me, doesn't contact me, is with someone else, works with my mom, her mom is good friends with my mom, doesn't tell me she loves me, cries and talks to me for 45 mins for valentines, tells me she's sorry.......you can see how some of us have very complicated equations to work out.

 

Let me ask you something else. You're a dirty skater, I come from a similar misfit background - dirty rock band lead singer. She is a cheerleader right? Well, do you guys party together, and do the same things to have fun?

[Urban Rubble01]

A lot of people are going to tell you to go into no contact. I think it might be a good idea. Make her miss her best friend. BUT, read through all the posts, you have to balance it and apply it to your own situation. Like I said,you know this girl better than anyone else.

 

Well, I'm still debating this one. Up until now I've believed that NC is not the way to go, I know she wants to see me and I definitely want to see her. But now I'm starting to reconsider. The longest I've done is 4 weeks NC. To be honest, I think the goal of NC is closure, and I know I'm not going to have any closure until I KNOW what's going on, so NC doesn't seem like the best idea.

 

Let me ask you something else. You're a dirty skater, I come from a similar misfit background - dirty rock band lead singer. She is a cheerleader right? Well, do you guys party together, and do the same things to have fun?

 

Well, let me explain.

 

In middle school and the first year of high school she hung out with all of us, all the skaters and the punks. She was always that "cool chick", always the one that could hang out with the guys and all that. In high school she was a cheerleader, but she never really changed, she wasn't some lame prissy ass girl. Now she's kind of reverted back to her old ways.

 

We are perfect together, we do all the same stuff for fun. To this day she still tells me all the time how "nobody understands her sense of humor" like I do. She always tells me I'm the only one she can be comfortable and laugh with. We like all the same comedy, all the same music. So yeah, we're totally compatible when it comes to that. Like I said in my post, people tell us CONSTANTLY that we're perfect for each other, the first thing everyone says when they hear we're apart is something to the effect of "I thought for sure you guys would always be together, you're too perfect!".

 

At least she told you she still loves you, I can only hope she means it - you know this girl better than anyone else, figure out if she still does.

 

Beyond anything else, I KNOW she means it when she says it. But at the same time she's confused. So I don't know. Thanks for the reply though !

[clynn]

Hmm, I was a cheerleader and had a thing with the "dirty skater" Only I never really thought of him as "Dirty" but perhaps as kind of a bad boy, etc.

It was much much after high school that we finally connected. We haven't really been able to make a go of it though. It is sort of like we have the connection but haven't been able to break out of the high school communication, even though we're adults. So now we just work at being friends.

 

Anyhow that was a selfish digression.

 

 

About you.

 

Sounds like you've got a good strong thing going. She appears to have been very honest with you. If you are attending school adn she is, you really can't understand how demanding and consuming it is. And that she is driven and focused and you give her the space she needs to accomplish her goals and dreams probably gives her more faith than ever that the two of you are right for each other. She doesn't want to be 'held back' and I'm sure that is the last thing in the world you want to do.

 

Sounds like you've been really considerate of her priorities.

 

I bet it'll work out if you can continue to be patient.

[guest1981]

jus personal view but i think she needs to grow alone, to experience things to see what's out there. agree with the person above about "accomplish goals and dreams may give her more faith than the two of you perfect for each other". you are both so young and when people are young they think there are many great things/people ahead and they dont want to spend time wondering about what they'd missed when they are old.

my ex did very similar thing to me but he only said"you have to work on relationships but sometimes you just have to let it go and see what happens.....i love you but i dont know what i want but i know i dont want to be with you now becoz i cant see it working". so at least yours's sure now that she doesnt want to lose you for good. i have to warn you though women do change dramatically when they are young, and i think the fatal problem to a compatible couple is not growing at the same speed towards the same direction. do you know what she wants to become of, and do you think you are going the same way?

 

wish you two the best!

[Urban Rubble01]

Hmm, I was a cheerleader and had a thing with the "dirty skater" Only I never really thought of him as "Dirty" but perhaps as kind of a bad boy, etc.

It was much much after high school that we finally connected. We haven't really been able to make a go of it though. It is sort of like we have the connection but haven't been able to break out of the high school communication, even though we're adults. So now we just work at being friends.

 

Heh, well, give the guy a chance, our kind generally make great boyfriends.

 

Thanks for the post, I appreciate it. And I think you're right. I've just got to cool out for the rest of the school year and see what happens.

 

jus personal view but i think she needs to grow alone, to experience things to see what's out there. agree with the person above about "accomplish goals and dreams may give her more faith than the two of you perfect for each other". you are both so young and when people are young they think there are many great things/people ahead and they dont want to spend time wondering about what they'd missed when they are old.

my ex did very similar thing to me but he only said"you have to work on relationships but sometimes you just have to let it go and see what happens.....i love you but i dont know what i want but i know i dont want to be with you now becoz i cant see it working". so at least yours's sure now that she doesnt want to lose you for good. i have to warn you though women do change dramatically when they are young, and i think the fatal problem to a compatible couple is not growing at the same speed towards the same direction. do you know what she wants to become of, and do you think you are going the same way?

 

Neither of us fully know what we want to do, but we talk about the future alot.

 

I agree with you on the point that growing at different speeds is hard on a relationship. I think we're fairly compatible when it comes to that, we both want the same things.