I Got Played and Didn't See Any Signs!

[dancy]

I just ended things with a guy after a two month love affair because I found out the whole time he was pursuing flings on okcupid.

 

I should have know better. Everyone warned me against him. He looks, dresses and acts like trouble but for some reason I thought it was important to give him a chance and believe in him. I also started out with the idea that I just wanted a casual physical relationship. He was so attentive with compliments and affection at first. I'd never felt so wanted or secure in someone's interest. He started getting serious immediately - asking me to be his girlfriend (exclusive). He would say that he loved me, or say "marry me" in a half joking way, in a kind of mocking way. Things got serious, I started wanting to spend all my time with him and avoiding my work. In fact I was using him at first specifically as a form of procrastination for a big anxiety filled paper I had to write.

 

He's 31 works as a dishwasher in a restaurant, plays video games, rides bikes and is committed to partying. He plays music but not very seriously. Obviously, I knew the relationship didn't have a future. My life and accomplishments made him feel inadequate and he would get moody easily. In public and when he would get drunk I was really uncomfortable with his behavior. He was rude, looked at women, treated me like a trophy showing me off. All of those things were enough to tell me it was going nowhere but I actually started to fall for him and make excuses.

 

In the second month, he got distant but I turned up my attention and always stayed over. I knew it was too much time but since I sensed something wrong I thought I could make it better.

 

I went away for a weekend and then a week. When I got back things were definitely different. I had a bad feeling and confronted him about his behavior initiating fights about my "trusting" him which ended in my apologies for overreacting and smothering.

 

Finally we had a few serious relationship conversations (which after two months seems really early) but he continued to say he wanted to work it out and we even talked about moving in together. He was saying he wanted more space but would text me that he was hungry or bored. (I was giving him money and buying him food). Then he went away for the weekend and after he got back didn't contact me for awhile. Things were weird, he was rude. Finally after humiliating myself finding him at the bar with some friends, I looked in his phone.

 

I found multiple messages to girls on okcupid, inviting them to hang out. Messages were even from the beginning of the relationship when he was so sincere. There were three women who accepted while I was away. There were also text messages from anonymous numbers saying "When will I see you again?". Then there were messages from a girl he clearly stayed with while he was away saying, " You were blushing in the shower" with his response "I'll never forget last night".

 

I woke him up confronted him and made him answer all my questions for two hours. He claims that he didn't sleep with any of them just needed to excercise his freedom and feel that he was still "wanted". He complained that he felt smothered and trapped by me. Also that I am so pretty that he couldn't trust me so he had to make sure he had other options. He also said that he was intentionally being a jerk for two weeks hoping that I would break up with him.

 

I am struggling with how stupid I feel. The writing was on the walls. I should have known better! How was I so duped? How did I fall for this loser and believe it could work? Its hard to remember that he clearly has a problem and if he was doing it from the beginning he is simply a liar and a cheat. It's hard to forget how special he made me feel and the hope I had. Even though I broke up with him and have blocked him etc, I want to believe that he didn't sleep with them. I want to believe that he had sincere feelings for me... But I've never been cheated on or been in such an obviously disfunctional relationship.

 

I'd appreciate any insight and advice from others. New to cheaters and inexperienced in love. Thank you for reading this far!

[Zahara]

The title states you got played and didn't see any signs. There were all sorts of signs that this was bad for you.

 

Many lessons to learn from this. I hope you pay attention next time, that when you start to see red flags, exit. Not just the cheating but other hints that he wasn't quite all there.

[No Limit]

I just ended things with a guy after a two month love affair because I found out the whole time he was pursuing flings on okcupid.

 

I should have know better. Everyone warned me against him. He looks, dresses and acts like trouble but for some reason I thought it was important to give him a chance and believe in him. I also started out with the idea that I just wanted a casual physical relationship. He was so attentive with compliments and affection at first. I'd never felt so wanted or secure in someone's interest. He started getting serious immediately - asking me to be his girlfriend (exclusive). He would say that he loved me, or say "marry me" in a half joking way, in a kind of mocking way. Things got serious, I started wanting to spend all my time with him and avoiding my work. In fact I was using him at first specifically as a form of procrastination for a big anxiety filled paper I had to write.

 

He's 31 works as a dishwasher in a restaurant, plays video games, rides bikes and is committed to partying. He plays music but not very seriously. Obviously, I knew the relationship didn't have a future. My life and accomplishments made him feel inadequate and he would get moody easily. In public and when he would get drunk I was really uncomfortable with his behavior. He was rude, looked at women, treated me like a trophy showing me off. All of those things were enough to tell me it was going nowhere but I actually started to fall for him and make excuses.

 

In the second month, he got distant but I turned up my attention and always stayed over. I knew it was too much time but since I sensed something wrong I thought I could make it better.

 

I went away for a weekend and then a week. When I got back things were definitely different. I had a bad feeling and confronted him about his behavior initiating fights about my "trusting" him which ended in my apologies for overreacting and smothering.

 

Finally we had a few serious relationship conversations (which after two months seems really early) but he continued to say he wanted to work it out and we even talked about moving in together. He was saying he wanted more space but would text me that he was hungry or bored. (I was giving him money and buying him food). Then he went away for the weekend and after he got back didn't contact me for awhile. Things were weird, he was rude. Finally after humiliating myself finding him at the bar with some friends, I looked in his phone.

 

I found multiple messages to girls on okcupid, inviting them to hang out. Messages were even from the beginning of the relationship when he was so sincere. ***NO, HE WASN'T. HE NEVER WAS, HE NEVER WILL!*** There were three women who accepted while I was away. There were also text messages from anonymous numbers saying "When will I see you again?". Then there were messages from a girl he clearly stayed with while he was away saying, " You were blushing in the shower" with his response "I'll never forget last night".

 

I woke him up confronted him and made him answer all my questions for two hours. He claims that he didn't sleep with any of them just needed to excercise his freedom and feel that he was still "wanted". He complained that he felt smothered and trapped by me. Also that I am so pretty that he couldn't trust me so he had to make sure he had other options. He also said that he was intentionally being a jerk for two weeks hoping that I would break up with him.

 

I am struggling with how stupid I feel. The writing was on the walls. I should have known better! How was I so duped? How did I fall for this loser and believe it could work? Its hard to remember that he clearly has a problem and if he was doing it from the beginning he is simply a liar and a cheat. It's hard to forget how special he made me feel and the hope I had. Even though I broke up with him and have blocked him etc, I want to believe that he didn't sleep with them. I want to believe that he had sincere feelings for me... But I've never been cheated on or been in such an obviously disfunctional relationship.

 

I'd appreciate any insight and advice from others. New to cheaters and inexperienced in love. Thank you for reading this far!

 

You've had plenty of signs, but ignored them all as love often does to people. Bolded them for you; didn't bold the clothing part though because the punk couple from my old school is truly faithful and better than most "normal" ones.

 

You dated a kid in the body of a grown man, you got burned. Might hurt for a while, but it'll fade away eventually. A man like this isn't really worth your - or anyone's - time anyway.

Edited July 18, 2014 by No Limit